The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper
#8 in our series by J. Fenimore Cooper

Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check
the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!!

Please take a look at the important information in this header.
We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an
electronic path open for the next readers.

Please do not remove this.

This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book.
Do not change or edit it without written permission.  The words
are carefully chosen to provide users with the information they
need about what they can legally do with the texts.


**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts**

**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971**

*****These Etexts Are Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!*****

Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and
further information is included below, including for donations.

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3)
organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541



Title: Title

Author: J. Fenimore Cooper

Release Date: May, 2003 [Etext #4092]
[Yes, we are about one year ahead of schedule]
[The actual date this file first posted = 11/24/01]

Edition: 10

Language: English

The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper
********This file should be named mnkns10.txt or mnkns10.zip******

Corrected EDITIONS of our etexts get a new NUMBER, mnkns11.txt
VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, mnkns10a.txt

This etext was produced by Charles Franks 
        and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team

Project Gutenberg Etexts are usually created from multiple editions,
all of which are in the Public Domain in the United States, unless a
copyright notice is included.  Therefore, we usually do NOT keep any
of these books in compliance with any particular paper edition.

We are now trying to release all our books one year in advance
of the official release dates, leaving time for better editing.
Please be encouraged to send us error messages even years after
the official publication date.

Please note neither this listing nor its contents are final til
midnight of the last day of the month of any such announcement.
The official release date of all Project Gutenberg Etexts is at
Midnight, Central Time, of the last day of the stated month.  A
preliminary version may often be posted for suggestion, comment
and editing by those who wish to do so.

Most people start at our sites at:
http://gutenberg.net
http://promo.net/pg


Those of you who want to download any Etext before announcement
can surf to them as follows, and just download by date; this is
also a good way to get them instantly upon announcement, as the
indexes our cataloguers produce obviously take a while after an
announcement goes out in the Project Gutenberg Newsletter.

http://www.ibiblio.org/gutenberg/etext03
or
ftp://ftp.ibiblio.org/pub/docs/books/gutenberg/etext03

Or /etext02, 01, 00, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90

Just search by the first five letters of the filename you want,
as it appears in our Newsletters.


Information about Project Gutenberg (one page)

We produce about two million dollars for each hour we work.  The
time it takes us, a rather conservative estimate, is fifty hours
to get any etext selected, entered, proofread, edited, copyright
searched and analyzed, the copyright letters written, etc.  This
projected audience is one hundred million readers.  If our value
per text is nominally estimated at one dollar then we produce $2
million dollars per hour this year as we release fifty new Etext
files per month, or 500 more Etexts in 2000 for a total of 3000+
If they reach just 1-2% of the world's population then the total
should reach over 300 billion Etexts given away by year's end.

The Goal of Project Gutenberg is to Give Away One Trillion Etext
Files by December 31, 2001.  [10,000 x 100,000,000 = 1 Trillion]
This is ten thousand titles each to one hundred million readers,
which is only about 4% of the present number of computer users.

At our revised rates of production, we will reach only one-third
of that goal by the end of 2001, or about 4,000 Etexts unless we
manage to get some real funding.

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation has been created
to secure a future for Project Gutenberg into the next millennium.

We need your donations more than ever!

As of July 12, 2001 contributions are only being solicited from people in:
Arkansas, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho,
Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota,
Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North
Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina*, South Dakota,
Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia,
Wisconsin, and Wyoming.

*In Progress

We have filed in about 45 states now, but these are the only ones
that have responded.

As the requirements for other states are met,
additions to this list will be made and fund raising
will begin in the additional states.  Please feel
free to ask to check the status of your state.

In answer to various questions we have received on this:

We are constantly working on finishing the paperwork
to legally request donations in all 50 states.  If
your state is not listed and you would like to know
if we have added it since the list you have, just ask.

While we cannot solicit donations from people in
states where we are not yet registered, we know
of no prohibition against accepting donations
from donors in these states who approach us with
an offer to donate.


International donations are accepted,
but we don't know ANYTHING about how
to make them tax-deductible, or
even if they CAN be made deductible,
and don't have the staff to handle it
even if there are ways.

All donations should be made to:

Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
PMB 113
1739 University Ave.
Oxford, MS 38655-4109


The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a 501(c)(3)
organization with EIN [Employee Identification Number] 64-6221541,
and has been approved as a 501(c)(3) organization by the US Internal
Revenue Service (IRS).  Donations are tax-deductible to the maximum
extent permitted by law.  As the requirements for other states are met,
additions to this list will be made and fund raising will begin in the
additional states.

We need your donations more than ever!

You can get up to date donation information at:

http://www.gutenberg.net/donation.html


***

If you can't reach Project Gutenberg,
you can always email directly to:

Michael S. Hart <hart@pobox.com>

hart@pobox.com forwards to hart@prairienet.org and archive.org
if your mail bounces from archive.org, I will still see it, if
it bounces from prairienet.org, better resend later on. . . .

Prof. Hart will answer or forward your message.

We would prefer to send you information by email.


***


Example command-line FTP session:

ftp ftp.ibiblio.org
login: anonymous
password: your@login
cd pub/docs/books/gutenberg
cd etext90 through etext99 or etext00 through etext02, etc.
dir [to see files]
get or mget [to get files. . .set bin for zip files]
GET GUTINDEX.??  [to get a year's listing of books, e.g., GUTINDEX.99]
GET GUTINDEX.ALL [to get a listing of ALL books]


**The Legal Small Print**


(Three Pages)

***START**THE SMALL PRINT!**FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS**START***
Why is this "Small Print!" statement here?  You know: lawyers.
They tell us you might sue us if there is something wrong with
your copy of this etext, even if you got it for free from
someone other than us, and even if what's wrong is not our
fault.  So, among other things, this "Small Print!" statement
disclaims most of our liability to you.  It also tells you how
you may distribute copies of this etext if you want to.

*BEFORE!* YOU USE OR READ THIS ETEXT
By using or reading any part of this PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm
etext, you indicate that you understand, agree to and accept
this "Small Print!" statement.  If you do not, you can receive
a refund of the money (if any) you paid for this etext by
sending a request within 30 days of receiving it to the person
you got it from.  If you received this etext on a physical
medium (such as a disk), you must return it with your request.

ABOUT PROJECT GUTENBERG-TM ETEXTS
This PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext, like most PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etexts,
is a "public domain" work distributed by Professor Michael S. Hart
through the Project Gutenberg Association (the "Project").
Among other things, this means that no one owns a United States copyright
on or for this work, so the Project (and you!) can copy and
distribute it in the United States without permission and
without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules, set forth
below, apply if you wish to copy and distribute this etext
under the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark.

Please do not use the "PROJECT GUTENBERG" trademark to market
any commercial products without permission.

To create these etexts, the Project expends considerable
efforts to identify, transcribe and proofread public domain
works.  Despite these efforts, the Project's etexts and any
medium they may be on may contain "Defects".  Among other
things, Defects may take the form of incomplete, inaccurate or
corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged
disk or other etext medium, a computer virus, or computer
codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment.

LIMITED WARRANTY; DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES
But for the "Right of Replacement or Refund" described below,
[1] Michael Hart and the Foundation (and any other party you may
receive this etext from as a PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm etext) disclaims
all liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including
legal fees, and [2] YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE OR
UNDER STRICT LIABILITY, OR FOR BREACH OF WARRANTY OR CONTRACT,
INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE
OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES, EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE
POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGES.

If you discover a Defect in this etext within 90 days of
receiving it, you can receive a refund of the money (if any)
you paid for it by sending an explanatory note within that
time to the person you received it from.  If you received it
on a physical medium, you must return it with your note, and
such person may choose to alternatively give you a replacement
copy.  If you received it electronically, such person may
choose to alternatively give you a second opportunity to
receive it electronically.

THIS ETEXT IS OTHERWISE PROVIDED TO YOU "AS-IS".  NO OTHER
WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, ARE MADE TO YOU AS
TO THE ETEXT OR ANY MEDIUM IT MAY BE ON, INCLUDING BUT NOT
LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A
PARTICULAR PURPOSE.

Some states do not allow disclaimers of implied warranties or
the exclusion or limitation of consequential damages, so the
above disclaimers and exclusions may not apply to you, and you
may have other legal rights.

INDEMNITY
You will indemnify and hold Michael Hart, the Foundation,
and its trustees and agents, and any volunteers associated
with the production and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm
texts harmless, from all liability, cost and expense, including
legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of the
following that you do or cause:  [1] distribution of this etext,
[2] alteration, modification, or addition to the etext,
or [3] any Defect.

DISTRIBUTION UNDER "PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm"
You may distribute copies of this etext electronically, or by
disk, book or any other medium if you either delete this
"Small Print!" and all other references to Project Gutenberg,
or:

[1]  Only give exact copies of it.  Among other things, this
     requires that you do not remove, alter or modify the
     etext or this "small print!" statement.  You may however,
     if you wish, distribute this etext in machine readable
     binary, compressed, mark-up, or proprietary form,
     including any form resulting from conversion by word
     processing or hypertext software, but only so long as
     *EITHER*:

     [*]  The etext, when displayed, is clearly readable, and
          does *not* contain characters other than those
          intended by the author of the work, although tilde
          (~), asterisk (*) and underline (_) characters may
          be used to convey punctuation intended by the
          author, and additional characters may be used to
          indicate hypertext links; OR

     [*]  The etext may be readily converted by the reader at
          no expense into plain ASCII, EBCDIC or equivalent
          form by the program that displays the etext (as is
          the case, for instance, with most word processors);
          OR

     [*]  You provide, or agree to also provide on request at
          no additional cost, fee or expense, a copy of the
          etext in its original plain ASCII form (or in EBCDIC
          or other equivalent proprietary form).

[2]  Honor the etext refund and replacement provisions of this
     "Small Print!" statement.

[3]  Pay a trademark license fee to the Foundation of 20% of the
     gross profits you derive calculated using the method you
     already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  If you
     don't derive profits, no royalty is due.  Royalties are
     payable to "Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation"
     the 60 days following each date you prepare (or were
     legally required to prepare) your annual (or equivalent
     periodic) tax return.  Please contact us beforehand to
     let us know your plans and to work out the details.

WHAT IF YOU *WANT* TO SEND MONEY EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO?
Project Gutenberg is dedicated to increasing the number of
public domain and licensed works that can be freely distributed
in machine readable form.

The Project gratefully accepts contributions of money, time,
public domain materials, or royalty free copyright licenses.
Money should be paid to the:
"Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."

If you are interested in contributing scanning equipment or
software or other items, please contact Michael Hart at:
hart@pobox.com

[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael S. Hart
and may be reprinted only when these Etexts are free of all fees.]
[Project Gutenberg is a TradeMark and may not be used in any sales
of Project Gutenberg Etexts or other materials be they hardware or
software or any other related product without express permission.]

*END THE SMALL PRINT! FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.10/04/01*END*





This etext was produced by Charles Franks 
        and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team





THE MONIKINS

BY

J. FENIMORE COOPER




INTRODUCTION.

It is not improbable that some of those who read this book, may feel
a wish to know in what manner I became possessed of the manuscript.
Such a desire is too just and natural to be thwarted, and the tale
shall be told as briefly as possible.

During the summer of 1828, while travelling among those valleys of
Switzerland which lie between the two great ranges of the Alps, and
in which both the Rhone and the Rhine take their rise, I had passed
from the sources of the latter to those of the former river, and had
reached that basin in the mountains that is so celebrated for
containing the glacier of the Rhone, when chance gave me one of
those rare moments of sublimity and solitude, which are the more
precious in the other hemisphere from their infrequency. On every
side the view was bounded by high and ragged mountains, their peaks
glittering near the sun, while directly before me, and on a level
with the eye, lay that miraculous frozen sea, out of whose drippings
the Rhone starts a foaming river, to glance away to the distant
Mediterranean. For the first time, during a pilgrimage of years, I
felt alone with nature in Europe. Alas! the enjoyment, as all such
enjoyments necessarily are amid the throngs of the old world, was
short and treacherous. A party came round the angle of a rock, along
the narrow bridle-path, in single file; two ladies on horseback,
followed by as many gentlemen on foot, and preceded by the usual
guide. It was but small courtesy to rise and salute the dove-like
eyes and blooming cheeks of the former, as they passed. They were
English, and the gentlemen appeared to recognize me as a countryman.
One of the latter stopped, and politely inquired if the passage of
the Furca was obstructed by snow. He was told not, and in return for
the information said that I would find the Grimsel a little
ticklish; "but," he added, smiling, "the ladies succeeded in
crossing, and you will scarcely hesitate." I thought I might get
over a difficulty that his fair companions had conquered. He then
told me Sir Herbert Taylor was made adjutant-general, and wished me
good morning.

I sat reflecting on the character, hopes, pursuits, and interests of
man, for an hour, concluding that the stranger was a soldier, who
let some of the ordinary workings of his thoughts overflow in this
brief and casual interview. To resume my solitary journey, cross the
Rhone, and toil my way up the rugged side of the Grimsel, consumed
two more hours, and glad was I to come in view of the little chill-
looking sheet of water on its summit, which is called the Lake of
the Dead. The path was filled with snow, at a most critical point,
where, indeed, a misplaced footstep might betray the incautious to
their destruction. A large party on the other side appeared fully
aware of the difficulty, for it had halted, and was in earnest
discussion with the guide, touching the practicability of passing.
It was decided to attempt the enterprise. First came a female of one
of the sweetest, serenest countenances I had ever seen. She, too,
was English; and though she trembled, and blushed, and laughed at
herself, she came on with spirit, and would have reached my side in
safety, had not an unlucky stone turned beneath a foot that was much
too pretty for those wild hills. I sprang forward, and was so happy
as to save her from destruction. She felt the extent of the
obligation, and expressed her thanks modestly but with fervor. In a
minute we were joined by her husband, who grasped my hand with warm
feeling, or rather with the emotion one ought to feel who had
witnessed the risk he had just run of losing an angel. The lady
seemed satisfied at leaving us together.

"You are an Englishman?" said the stranger.

"An American."

"An American! This is singular--will you pardon a question?--You
have more than saved my life--you have probably saved my reason--
will you pardon a question?--Can money serve you?"

I smiled, and told him, odd as it might appear to him, that though
an American, I was a gentleman. He appeared embarrassed, and his
fine face worked, until I began to pity him, for it was evident he
wished to show me in some way, how much he felt he was my debtor,
and yet he did not know exactly what to propose.

"We may meet again," I said, squeezing his hand.

"Will you receive my card?"

"Most willingly."

He put "Viscount Householder" into my hand, and in return I gave him
my own humble appellation.

He looked from the card to me, and from me to the card, and some
agreeable idea appeared to flash upon his mind.

"Shall you visit Geneva this summer?" he asked, earnestly.

"Within a month."

"Your address--"

"Hotel de l'Ecu."

"You shall hear from me. Adieu."

We parted, he, his lovely wife, and his guides descending to the
Rhone, while I pursued my way to the Hospice of the Grimsel. Within
the month I received a large packet at l'Ecu. It contained a
valuable diamond ring, with a request that I would wear it, as a
memorial of Lady Householder, and a fairly written manuscript. The
following short note explained the wishes of the writer:

"Providence brought us together for more purposes than were at first
apparent. I have long hesitated about publishing the accompanying
narrative, for in England there is a disposition to cavil at
extraordinary facts, but the distance of America from my place of
residence will completely save me from ridicule. The world must have
the truth, and I see no better means than by resorting to your
agency. All I ask is, that you will have the book fairly printed,
and that you will send one copy to my address, Householder Hall,
Dorsetshire, Eng., and another to Captain Noah Poke, Stonington,
Conn., in your own country. My Anna prays for you, and is ever your
friend. Do not forget us.

"Yours, most faithfully,"

"HOUSEHOLDER."

I have rigidly complied with this request, and having sent the two
copies according to direction, the rest of the edition is at the
disposal of any one who may feel an inclination to pay for it. In
return for the copy sent to Stonington, I received the following
letter:

"ON BOARD THE DERBY AND DOLLY,
"STONNIN'TUN, April 1st, 1835.

"AUTHOR OF THE SPY, ESQUIRE:

"Dear Sir:--Your favor is come to hand, and found me in good health,
as I hope these few lines will have the same advantage with you. I
have read the book, and must say there is some truth in it, which, I
suppose, is as much as befalls any book, the Bible, the Almanac, and
the State Laws excepted. I remember Sir John well, and shall gainsay
nothing he testifies to, for the reason that friends should not
contradict each other. I was also acquainted with the four Monikins
he speaks of, though I knew them by different names. Miss Poke says
she wonders if it's all true, which I wunt tell her, seeing that a
little unsartainty makes a woman rational. As to my navigating
without geometry, thats a matter that wasn't worth booking, for it's
no curiosity in these parts, bating a look at the compass once or
twice a day, and so I take my leave of you, with offers to do any
commission for you among the Sealing Islands, for which I sail to-
morrow, wind and weather permitting.

"Yours to sarve, NOAH POKE."

"To the Author of THE SPY, Esquire,
---town,------county, York state.

"P. S.--I always told Sir John to steer clear of too much
journalizing, but he did nothing but write, night and day, for a
week; and as you brew, so you must bake. The wind has chopped, and
we shall take our anchor this tide; so no more at present.

"N. B.--Sir John is a little out about my eating the monkey, which I
did, four years before I fell in with him, down on the Spanish Main.
It was not bad food to the taste, but was wonderful narvous to the
eye. I r'ally thought I had got hold of Miss Poke's youngest born."




THE MONIKINS.




CHAPTER I.

THE AUTHOR'S PEDIGREE,--ALSO THAT OF HIS FATHER.


The philosopher who broaches a new theory is bound to furnish, at
least, some elementary proofs of the reasonableness of his
positions, and the historian who ventures to record marvels that
have hitherto been hid from human knowledge, owes it to a decent
regard to the opinions of others, to produce some credible testimony
in favor of his veracity. I am peculiarly placed in regard to these
two great essentials having little more than its plausibility to
offer in favor of my philosophy, and no other witness than myself to
establish the important facts that are now about to be laid before
the reading world for the first time. In this dilemma, I fully feel
the weight of responsibility under which I stand; for there are
truths of so little apparent probability as to appear fictitious,
and fictions so like the truth that the ordinary observer is very
apt to affirm that he was an eye-witness to their existence: two
facts that all our historians would do well to bear in mind, since a
knowledge of the circumstances might spare them the mortification of
having testimony that cost a deal of trouble, discredited in the one
case, and save a vast deal of painful and unnecessary labor, in the
other. Thrown upon myself, therefore, for what the French call les
pieces justificatives of my theories, as well as of my facts, I see
no better way to prepare the reader to believe me, than by giving an
unvarnished the result of the orange-woman's application; for had my
worthy ancestor been subjected to the happy accidents and generous
caprices of voluntary charity, it is more than probable I should be
driven to throw a veil over those important years of his life that
were notoriously passed in the work-house, but which, in consequence
of that occurrence, are now easily authenticated by valid minutes
and documentary evidence. Thus it is that there exists no void in
the annals of our family, even that period which is usually
remembered through gossiping and idle tales in the lives of most
men, being matter of legal record in that of my progenitor, and so
continued to be down to the day of his presumed majority, since he
was indebted to a careful master the moment the parish could with
any legality, putting decency quite out of the question, get rid of
him. I ought to have said, that the orange-woman, taking a hint from
the sign of a butcher opposite to whose door my ancestor was found,
had very cleverly given him the name of Thomas Goldencalf.

This second important transition in the affairs of my father, might
be deemed a presage of his future fortunes. He was bound apprentice
to a trader in fancy articles, or a shopkeeper who dealt in such
objects as are usually purchased by those who do not well know what
to do with their money. This trade was of immense advantage to the
future prosperity of the young adventurer; for, in addition to the
known fact that they who amuse are much better paid than they who
instruct their fellow-creatures, his situation enabled him to study
those caprices of men, which, properly improved, are of themselves a
mine of wealth, as well as to gain a knowledge of the important
truth that the greatest events of this life are much oftener the
result of impulse than of calculation.

I have it by a direct tradition, orally conveyed from the lips of my
ancestor, that no one could be more lucky than himself in the
character of his master. This personage, who came, in time, to be my
maternal grandfather, was one of those wary traders who encourage
others in their follies, with a view to his own advantage, and the
experience of fifty years had rendered him so expert in the
practices of his calling, that it was seldom he struck out a new
vein in his mine, without finding himself rewarded for the
enterprise, by a success that was fully equal to his expectations,

"Tom," he said one day to his apprentice, when time had produced
confidence and awakened sympathies between them, "thou art a lucky
youth, or the parish officer would never have brought thee to my
door. Thou little knowest the wealth that is in store for thee, or
the treasures that are at thy command, if thou provest diligent, and
in particular faithful to my interests." My provident grandfather
never missed an occasion to throw in a useful moral, notwithstanding
the general character of veracity that distinguished his commerce.
"Now, what dost think, lad, may be the amount of my capital?"

My ancestor in the male line hesitated to reply, for, hitherto, his
ideas had been confined to the profits; never having dared to lift
his thoughts as high as that source from which he could not but see
they flowed in a very ample stream; but thrown upon himself by so
unexpected a question, and being quick at figures, after adding ten
per cent. to the sum which he knew the last year had given as the
net avail of their joint ingenuity, he named the amount, in answered
to the interrogatory.

My maternal grandfather laughed in the face of my direct lineal
ancestor.

"Thou judgest, Tom," he said, when his mirth was a little abated,
"by what thou thinkest is the cost of the actual stock before thine
eyes, when thou shouldst take into the account that which I term our
floating capital."

Tom pondered a moment, for while he knew that his master had money
in the funds, he did not account that as any portion of the
available means connected with his ordinary business; and as for a
floating capital, he did not well see how it could be of much
account, since the disproportion between the cost and the selling
prices of the different articles in which they dealt was so great,
that there was no particular use in such an investment. As his
master, however, rarely paid for anything until he was in possession
of returns from it that exceeded the debt some seven-fold, he began
to think the old man was alluding to the advantages he obtained in
the way of credit, and after a little more cogitation, he ventured
to say as much.

Again my maternal grandfather indulged in a hearty fit of laughter.

"Thou art clever in thy way, Tom," he said, "and I like the
minuteness of thy calculations, for they show an aptitude for trade;
but there is genius in our calling as well as cleverness. Come
hither, boy," he added, drawing Tom to a window whence they could
see the neighbors on their way to church, for it was on a Sunday
that my two provident progenitors indulged in this moral view of
humanity, as best fitted the day, "come hither, boy, and thou shalt
see some small portion of that capital which thou seemest to think
hid, stalking abroad by daylight, and in the open streets. Here,
thou seest the wife of our neighbor, the pastry-cook; with what an
air she tosses her head and displays the bauble thou sold'st her
yesterday: well, even that slattern, idle and vain, and little
worthy of trust as she is, carries about with her a portion of my
capital!"

My worthy ancestor stared, for he never knew the other to be guilty
of so great an indiscretion as to trust a woman whom they both knew
bought more than her husband was willing to pay for.

"She gave me a guinea, master, for that which did not cost a seven-
shilling piece!"

"She did, indeed, Tom, and it was her vanity that urged her to it. I
trade upon her folly, younker, and upon that of all mankind; now
dost thou see with what a capital I carry on affairs? There--there
is the maid, carrying the idle hussy's patterns in the rear; I drew
upon my stock in that wench's possession, no later than the last
week, for half-a-crown!"

Tom reflected a long time on these allusions of his provident
master, and although he understood them about as well as they will
be understood by the owners of half the soft humid eyes and
sprouting whiskers among my readers, by dint of cogitation he came
at last to a practical understanding of the subject, which before he
was thirty he had, to use a French term, pretty well exploite.

I learn by unquestionable tradition, received also from the mouths
of his contemporaries, that the opinions of my ancestor underwent
some material changes between the ages of ten and forty, a
circumstance that has often led me to reflect that people might do
well not to be too confident of the principles, during the pliable
period of life, when the mind, like the tender shoot, is easily bent
aside and subjected to the action of surrounding causes.

During the earlier years of the plastic age, my ancestor was
observed to betray strong feelings of compassion at the sight of
charity-children, nor was he ever known to pass a child, especially
a boy that was still in petticoats, who was crying with hunger in
the streets, without sharing his own crust with him. Indeed, his
practice on this head was said to be steady and uniform, whenever
the rencontre took place after my worthy father had had his own
sympathies quickened by a good dinner; a fact that maybe imputed to
a keener sense of the pleasure he was about to confer.

After sixteen, he was known to converse occasionally on the subject
of politics, a topic on which he came to be both expert and eloquent
before twenty. His usual theme was justice and the sacred rights of
man, concerning which he sometimes uttered very pretty sentiments,
and such as were altogether becoming in one who was at the bottom of
the great social pot that was then, as now, actively boiling, and
where he was made to feel most, the heat that kept it in
ebullition. I am assured that on the subject of taxation, and on
that of the wrongs of America and Ireland, there were few youths in
the parish who could discourse with more zeal and unction. About
this time, too, he was heard shouting "Wilkes and liberty!" in the
public streets.

But, as is the case with all men of rare capacities, there was a
concentration of powers in the mind of my ancestor, which soon
brought all his errant sympathies, the mere exuberance of acute and
overflowing feelings, into a proper and useful subjection, centring
all in the one absorbing and capacious receptacle of self. I do not
claim for my father any peculiar quality in this respect, for I have
often observed that many of those who (like giddy-headed horsemen
that raise a great dust, and scamper as if the highway were too
narrow for their eccentric courses, before they are fairly seated in
the saddle, but who afterward drive as directly at their goals as
the arrow parting from the bow), most indulge their sympathies at
the commencement of their careers, are the most apt toward the close
to get a proper command of their feelings, and to reduce them within
the bounds of common sense and prudence. Before five-and-twenty, my
father was as exemplary and as constant a devotee of Plutus as was
then to be found between Ratcliffe Highway and Bridge Street:--I
name these places in particular, as all the rest of the great
capital in which he was born is known to be more indifferent to the
subject of money.

My ancestor was just thirty, when his master, who like himself was a
bachelor, very unexpectedly, and a good deal to the scandal of the
neighborhood, introduced a new inmate into his frugal abode, in the
person of an infant female child. It would seem that some one had
been speculating on his stock of weakness too, for this poor,
little, defenceless, and dependent being was thrown upon his care,
like Tom himself, through the vigilance of the parish officers.
There were many good-natured jokes practised on the prosperous
fancy-dealer, by the more witty of his neighbors, at this sudden
turn of good fortune, and not a few ill-natured sneers were given
behind his back; most of the knowing ones of the vicinity finding a
stronger likeness between the little girl and all the other
unmarried men of the eight or ten adjoining streets, than to the
worthy housekeeper who had been selected to pay for her support. I
have been much disposed to admit the opinions of these amiable
observers as authority in my own pedigree, since it would be
reaching the obscurity in which all ancient lines take root, a
generation earlier, than by allowing the presumption that little
Betsey was my direct male ancestor's master's daughter; but, on
reflection, I have determined to adhere to the less popular but more
simple version of the affair, because it is connected with the
transmission of no small part of our estate, a circumstance of
itself that at once gives dignity and importance to a genealogy.

Whatever may have been the real opinion of the reputed father
touching his rights to the honors of that respectable title, he soon
became as strongly attached to the child, as if it really owed its
existence to himself. The little girl was carefully nursed,
abundantly fed, and throve accordingly. She had reached her third
year, when the fancy-dealer took the smallpox from his little pet,
who was just recovering from the same disease, and died at the
expiration of the tenth day.

This was an unlooked-for and stunning blow to my ancestor, who was
then in his thirty-fifth year and the head shopman of the
establishment, which had continued to grow with the growing follies
and vanities of the age. On examining his master's will, it was
found that my father, who had certainly aided materially of late in
the acquisition of the money, was left the good-will of the shop,
the command of all the stock at cost, and the sole executorship of
the estate. He was also intrusted with the exclusive guardianship of
little Betsey, to whom his master had affectionately devised every
farthing of his property. An ordinary reader may be surprised that a
man who had so long practised on the foibles of his species, should
have so much confidence in a mere shopman, as to leave his whole
estate so completely in his power; but, it must be remembered, that
human ingenuity has not yet devised any means by which we can carry
our personal effects into the other world; that "what cannot be
cured must be endured"; that he must of necessity have confided this
important trust to some fellow-creature, and that it was better to
commit the keeping of his money to one who, knowing the secret by
which it had been accumulated, had less inducement to be dishonest,
than one who was exposed to the temptation of covetousness, without
having a knowledge of any direct and legal means of gratifying his
longings. It has been conjectured, therefore, that the testator
thought, by giving up his trade to a man who was as keenly alive as
my ancestor to all its perfections, moral and pecuniary, he provided
a sufficient protection against his falling into the sin of
peculation, by so amply supplying him with simpler means of
enriching himself. Besides, it is fair to presume that the long
acquaintance had begotten sufficient confidence to weaken the effect
of that saying which some wit has put into the mouth of a wag, "Make
me your executor, father; I care not to whom you leave the estate."
Let all this be as it might, nothing can be more certain than that
my worthy ancestor executed his trust with the scrupulous fidelity
of a man whose integrity had been severely schooled in the ethics of
trade. Little Betsey was properly educated for one in her condition
of life; her health was as carefully watched over as if she had been
the only daughter of the sovereign instead of the only daughter of a
fancy-dealer; her morals were superintended by a superannuated old
maid; her mind left to its original purity; her person jealously
protected against the designs of greedy fortune-hunters; and, to
complete the catalogue of his paternal attentions and solicitudes,
my vigilant and faithful ancestor, to prevent accidents, and to
counteract the chances of life, so far as it might be done by human
foresight, saw that she was legally married, the day she reached her
nineteenth year, to the person whom, there is every reason to think,
he believed to be the most unexceptionable man of his acquaintance--
in other words, to himself. Settlements were unnecessary between
parties who had so long been known to each other, and, thanks to the
liberality of his late master's will in more ways than one, a long
minority, and the industry of the ci-devant head shopman, the
nuptial benediction was no sooner pronounced, than our family
stepped into the undisputed possession of four hundred thousand
pounds. One less scrupulous on the subject of religion and the law,
might not have thought it necessary to give the orphan heiress a
settlement so satisfactory, at the termination of her wardship.

I was the fifth of the children who were the fruits of this union,
and the only one of them all that passed the first year of its life.
My poor mother did not survive my birth, and I can only record her
qualities through the medium of that great agent in the archives of
the family, tradition. By all that I have heard, she must have been
a meek, quiet, domestic woman; who, by temperament and attainments,
was admirably qualified to second the prudent plans of my father for
her welfare. If she had causes of complaint, (and that she had,
there is too much reason to think, for who has ever escaped them?)
they were concealed, with female fidelity, in the sacred repository
of her own heart; and if truant imagination sometimes dimly drew an
outline of married happiness different from the fact that stood in
dull reality before her eyes, the picture was merely commented on by
a sigh, and consigned to a cabinet whose key none ever touched but
herself, and she seldom.

Of this subdued and unobtrusive sorrow, for I fear it sometimes
reached that intensity of feeling, my excellent and indefatigable
ancestor appeared to have no suspicion. He pursued his ordinary
occupations with his ordinary single-minded devotion, and the last
thing that would have crossed his brain was the suspicion that he
had not punctiliously done his duty by his ward. Had he acted
otherwise, none surely would have suffered more by his delinquency
than her husband, and none would have a better right to complain.
Now, as her husband never dreamt of making such an accusation, it is
not at all surprising that my ancestor remained in ignorance of his
wife's feelings at the hour of his death.

It has been said that the opinions of the successor of the fancy-
dealer underwent some essential changes between the ages of ten and
forty. After he had reached his twenty-second year, or, in other
words, the moment he began to earn money for himself, as well as for
his master, he ceased to cry "Wilkes and liberty!" He was not heard
to breathe a syllable concerning the obligations of society toward
the weak and unfortunate, for the five years that succeeded his
majority; he touched lightly on Christian duties in general, after
he got to be worth fifty pounds of his own; and as for railing at
human follies, it would have been rank ingratitude in one who so
very unequivocally got his bread by them. About this time, his
remarks on the subject of taxation, however, were singularly
caustic, and well applied. He railed at the public debt, as a public
curse, and ominously predicted the dissolution of society, in
consequence of the burdens and incumbrances it was hourly
accumulating on the already overloaded shoulders of the trader.

The period of his marriage and his succession to the hoardings of
his former master, may be dated as the second epocha in the opinions
of my ancestor. From this moment his ambition expanded, his views
enlarged in proportion to his means, and his contemplations on the
subject of his great floating capital became more profound and
philosophical. A man of my ancestor's native sagacity, whose whole
soul was absorbed in the pursuit of gain, who had so long been
forming his mind, by dealing as it were with the elements of human
weaknesses, and who already possessed four hundred thousand pounds,
was very likely to strike out for himself some higher road to
eminence, than that in which he had been laboriously journeying,
during the years of painful probation. The property of my mother had
been chiefly invested in good bonds and mortgages; her protector,
patron, benefactor, and legalized father, having an unconquerable
repugnance to confiding in that soulless, conventional, nondescript
body corporate, the public. The first indication that was given by
my ancestor of a change of purpose in the direction of his energies,
was by calling in the whole of his outstanding debts, and adopting
the Napoleon plan of operations, by concentrating his forces on a
particular point, in order that he might operate in masses. About
this time, too, he suddenly ceased railing at taxation. This change
may be likened to that which occurs in the language of the
ministerial journals, when they cease abusing any foreign state with
whom the nation has been carrying on a war, that it is, at length,
believed politic to terminate; and for much the same reason, as it
was the intention of my thrifty ancestor to make an ally of a power
that he had hitherto always treated as an enemy. The whole of the
four hundred thousand pounds were liberally intrusted to the
country, the former fancy-dealer's apprentice entering the arena of
virtuous and patriotic speculation, as a bull; and, if with more
caution, with at least some portion of the energy and obstinacy of
the desperate animal that gives title to this class of adventurers.
Success crowned his laudable efforts; gold rolled in upon him like
water on a flood, buoying him up, soul and body, to that enviable
height, where, as it would seem, just views can alone be taken of
society in its innumerable phases. All his former views of life,
which, in common with others of a similar origin and similar
political sentiments, he had imbibed in early years, and which might
with propriety be called near views, were now completely obscured by
the sublimer and broader prospect that was spread before him.

I am afraid the truth will compel me to admit, that my ancestor was
never charitable in the vulgar acceptation of the term; but then, he
always maintained that his interest in his fellow-creatures was of a
more elevated cast, taking a comprehensive glance at all the
bearings of good and evil--being of the sort of love which induces
the parent to correct the child, that the lesson of present
suffering may produce the blessings of future respectability and
usefulness. Acting on these principles, he gradually grew more
estranged from his species in appearance, a sacrifice that was
probably exacted by the severity of his practical reproofs for their
growing wickedness, and the austere policy that was necessary to
enforce them. By this time, my ancestor was also thoroughly
impressed with what is called the value of money; a sentiment which,
I believe, gives its possessor a livelier perception than common of
the dangers of the precious metals, as well as of their privileges
and uses. He expatiated occasionally on the guaranties that it was
necessary to give to society, for its own security; never even voted
for a parish officer unless he were a warm substantial citizen; and
began to be a subscriber to the patriotic fund, and to the other
similar little moral and pecuniary buttresses of the government,
whose common and commendable object was, to protect our country, our
altars, and our firesides.

The death-bed of my mother has been described to me as a touching
and melancholy scene. It appears that as this meek and retired woman
was extricated from the coil of mortality, her intellect grew
brighter, her powers of discernment stronger, and her character in
every respect more elevated and commanding. Although she had said
much less about our firesides and altars than her husband, I see no
reason to doubt that she had ever been quite as faithful as he could
be to the one, and as much devoted to the other. I shall describe
the important event of her passage from this to a better world, as I
have often had it repeated from the lips of one who was present, and
who has had an important agency in since making me the man I am.
This person was the clergyman of the parish, a pious divine, a
learned man, and a gentleman in feeling as well as by extraction.

My mother, though long conscious that she was drawing near to her
last great account, had steadily refused to draw her husband from
his absorbing pursuits, by permitting him to be made acquainted with
her situation. He knew that she was ill; very ill, as he had reason
to think; but, as he not only allowed her, but even volunteered to
order her all the advice and relief that money could command (my
ancestor was not a miser in the vulgar meaning of the word), he
thought that he had done all that man could do, in a case of life
and death--interests over which he professed to have no control. He
saw Dr. Etherington, the rector, come and go daily, for a month,
without uneasiness or apprehension, for he thought his discourse had
a tendency to tranquillize my mother, and he had a strong affection
for all that left him undisturbed, to the enjoyment of the
occupation in which his whole energies were now completely centred.
The physician got his guinea at each visit, with scrupulous
punctuality; the nurses were well received and were well satisfied,
for no one interfered with their acts but the doctor; and every
ordinary duty of commission was as regularly discharged by my
ancestor, as if the sinking and resigned creature from whom he was
about to be forever separated had been the spontaneous choice of his
young and fresh affections.

When, therefore, a servant entered to say that Dr. Etherington
desired a private interview, my worthy ancestor, who had no
consciousness of having neglected any obligation that became a
friend of church and state, was in no small measure surprised.

"I come, Mr. Goldencalf, on a melancholy duty," said the pious
rector, entering the private cabinet to which his application had
for the first time obtained his admission; "the fatal secret can no
longer be concealed from you, and your wife at length consents that
I shall be the instrument of revealing it."

The Doctor paused; for on such occasions it is perhaps as well to
let the party that is about to be shocked receive a little of the
blow through his own imagination; and busily enough was that of my
poor father said to be exercised on this painful occasion. He grew
pale, opened his eyes until they again filled the sockets into which
they had gradually been sinking for twenty years, and looked a
hundred questions that his tongue refused to put.

"It cannot be, Doctor," he at length querulously said, "that a woman
like Betsey has got an inkling into any of the events connected with
the last great secret expedition, and which have escaped my jealousy
and experience?"

"I am afraid, dear sir, that Mrs. Goldencalf has obtained glimpses
of the last great and secret expedition on which we must all, sooner
or later, embark, that have entirely escaped your vigilance. But of
this I will speak some other time. At present it is my painful duty
to inform you it is the opinion of the physician that your excellent
wife cannot outlive the day, if, indeed, she do the hour."

My father was struck with this intelligence, and for more than a
minute he remained silent and without motion. Casting his eyes
toward the papers on which he had lately been employed, and which
contained some very important calculations connected with the next
settling day, he at length resumed:

"If this be really so, Doctor, it may be well for me to go to her,
since one in the situation of the poor woman may indeed have
something of importance to communicate."

"It is with this object that I have now come to tell you the truth,"
quietly answered the divine, who knew that nothing was to be gained
by contending with the besetting weakness of such a man, at such a
moment.

My father bent his head in assent, and, first carefully enclosing
the open papers in a secretary, he followed his companion to the
bedside of his dying wife.




CHAPTER II.

TOUCHING MYSELF AND TEN THOUSAND POUNDS.


Although my ancestor was much too wise to refuse to look back upon
his origin in a worldly point of view, he never threw his
retrospective glances so far as to reach the sublime mystery of his
moral existence; and while his thoughts might be said to be ever on
the stretch to attain glimpses into the future, they were by far too
earthly to extend beyond any other settling day than those which
were regulated by the ordinances of the stock exchange. With him, to
be born was but the commencement of a speculation, and to die was to
determine the general balance of profit and loss. A man who had so
rarely meditated on the grave changes of mortality, therefore, was
consequently so much the less prepared to gaze upon the visible
solemnities of a death-bed. Although he had never truly loved my
mother, for love was a sentiment much too pure and elevated for one
whose imagination dwelt habitually on the beauties of the stock-
books, he had ever been kind to her, and of late he was even much
disposed, as has already been stated, to contribute as much to her
temporal comforts as comported with his pursuits and habits. On the
other hand, the quiet temperament of my mother required some more
exciting cause than the affections of her husband, to quicken those
germs of deep, placid, womanly love, that certainly lay dormant in
her heart, like seed withering with the ungenial cold of winter. The
last meeting of such a pair was not likely to be attended with any
violent outpourings of grief.

My ancestor, notwithstanding, was deeply struck with the physical
changes in the appearance of his wife.

"Thou art much emaciated, Betsey," he said, taking her hand kindly,
after a long and solemn pause; "much more so than I had thought, or
could have believed! Dost nurse give thee comforting soups and
generous nourishment?"

My mother smiled the ghastly smile of death; but waved her hand,
with loathing, at his suggestion.

"All this is now too late, Mr. Goldencalf," she answered, speaking
with a distinctness and an energy for which she had long been
reserving her strength. "Food and raiment are no longer among my
wants."

"Well, well, Betsey, one that is in want of neither food nor
raiment, cannot be said to be in great suffering, after all; and I
am glad that thou art so much at ease. Dr. Etherington tells me thou
art far from being well bodily, however, and I am come expressly to
see if I can order anything that will help to make thee more easy."

"Mr. Goldencalf, you can. My wants for this life are nearly over; a
short hour or two will remove me beyond the world, its cares, its
vanities, its--" My poor mother probably meant to add, its
heartlessness or its selfishness; but she rebuked herself, and
paused: "By the mercy of our blessed Redeemer, and through the
benevolent agency of this excellent man," she resumed, glancing her
eye upwards at first with holy reverence, and then at the divine
with meek gratitude, "I quit you without alarm, and were it not for
one thing, I might say without care."

"And what is there to distress thee, in particular, Betsey?" asked
my father, blowing his nose, and speaking with unusual tenderness;
"if it be in my power to set thy heart at ease on this, or on any
other point, name it, and I will give orders to have it immediately
performed. Thou hast been a good pious woman, and canst have little
to reproach thyself with."

My mother looked earnestly and wistfully at her husband. Never
before had he betrayed so strong an interest in her happiness, and
had it not, alas! been too late, this glimmering of kindness might
have lighted the matrimonial torch into a brighter flame than had
ever yet glowed upon the past.

"Mr. Goldencalf, we have an only son--"

"We have, Betsey, and it may gladden thee to hear that the physician
thinks the boy more likely to live than either of his poor brothers
and sisters."

I cannot explain the holy and mysterious principle of maternal
nature that caused my mother to clasp her hands, to raise her eyes
to heaven, and, while a gleam flitted athwart her glassy eyes and
wan cheeks, to murmur her thanks to God for the boon. She was
herself hastening away to the eternal bliss of the pure of mind and
the redeemed, and her imagination, quiet and simple as it was, had
drawn pictures in which she and her departed babes were standing
before the throne of the Most High, chanting his glory, and shining
amid the stars--and yet was she now rejoicing that the last and the
most cherished of all her offsprings was likely to be left exposed
to the evils, the vices, nay, to the enormities, of the state of
being that she herself so willingly resigned.

"It is of our boy that I wish now to speak, Mr. Goldencalf," replied
my mother, when her secret devotion was ended. "The child will have
need of instruction and care; in short, of both mother and father."

"Betsey, thou forgettest that he will still have the latter."

"You are much wrapped up in your business, Mr. Goldencalf, and are
not, in other respects, qualified to educate a boy born to the curse
and to the temptations of immense riches."

My excellent ancestor looked as if he thought his dying consort had
in sooth finally taken leave of her senses.

"There are public schools, Betsey; I promise thee the child shall
not be forgotten: I will have him well taught, though it cost me a
thousand a year!"

His wife reached forth her emaciated hand to that of my father, and
pressed the latter with as much force as a dying mother could use.
For a fleet moment she even appeared to have gotten rid of her
latest care. But the knowledge of character that had been acquired
by the hard experience of thirty years, was not to be unsettled by
the gratitude of a moment.

"I wish, Mr. Goldencalf," she anxiously resumed, "to receive your
solemn promise to commit the education of our boy to Dr.
Etherington--you know his worth, and must have full confidence in
such a man."

"Nothing would give me greater satisfaction, my dear Betsey; and if
Dr. Etherington will consent to receive him, I will send Jack to his
house this very evening; for, to own the truth, I am but little
qualified to take charge of a child under a year old. A hundred a
year, more or less, shall not spoil so good a bargain."

The divine was a gentleman, and he looked grave at this speech,
though, meeting the anxious eyes of my mother, his own lost their
displeasure in a glance of reassurance and pity.

"The charges of his education will be easily settled, Mr.
Goldencalf," added my mother; "but the Doctor has consented with
difficulty to take the responsibility of my poor babe, and that only
under two conditions."

The stock-dealer required an explanation with his eyes.

"One is, that the child shall be left solely to his own care, after
he has reached his fourth year; and the other is, that you make an
endowment for the support of two poor scholars, at one of the
principal schools."

As my mother got out the last words, she fell back on her pillow,
whence her interest in the subject had enabled her to lift her head
a little, and she fairly gasped for breath, in the intensity of her
anxiety to hear the answer. My ancestor contracted his brow, like
one who saw it was a subject that required reflection.

"Thou dost not know perhaps, Betsey, that these endowments swallow
up a great deal of money--a great deal--and often very uselessly."

"Ten thousand pounds is the sum that has been agreed upon between
Mrs. Goldencalf and me," steadily remarked the Doctor, who, in my
soul, I believe had hoped that his condition would be rejected,
having yielded to the importunities of a dying woman, rather than to
his own sense of that which might be either very desirable or very
useful.

"Ten thousand pounds!"

My mother could not speak, though she succeeded in making an
imploring sign of assent.

"Ten thousand pounds is a great deal of money, my dear Betsey--a
very great deal!"

The color of my mother changed to the hue of death, and by her
breathing she appeared to be in the agony.

"Well, well, Betsey," said my father a little hastily, for he was
frightened at her pallid countenance and extreme distress, "have it
thine own way--the money, yes, yes--it shall be given as thou
wishest--now set thy kind heart at rest."

The revulsion of feeling was too great for one whose system had been
wound up to a state of excitement like that which had sustained my
mother, who, an hour before, had seemed scarcely able to speak. She
extended her hand toward her husband, smiled benignantly in his
face, whispered the word "Thanks," and then, losing all her powers
of body, sank into the last sleep, as tranquilly as the infant drops
its head on the bosom of the nurse. This was, after all, a sudden,
and, in one sense, an unexpected death: all who witnessed it were
struck with awe. My father gazed for a whole minute intently on the
placid features of his wife, and left the room in silence. He was
followed by Dr. Etherington, who accompanied him to the private
apartment where they had first met that night, neither uttering a
syllable until both were seated.

"She was a good woman, Dr. Etherington!" said the widowed man,
shaking his foot with agitation.

"She was a good woman, Mr. Goldencalf."

"And a good wife, Dr. Etherington."

"I have always believed her to be a good wife, sir."

"Faithful, obedient, and frugal."

"Three qualities that are of much practical use in the affairs of
this world."

"I shall never marry again, sir."

The divine bowed.

"Nay, I never could find such another match!"

Again the divine inclined his head, though the assent was
accompanied by slight smile.

"Well, she has left me an heir."

"And brought something that he might inherit," observed the Doctor,
dryly.

My ancestor looked up inquiringly at his companion, but apparently
most of the sarcasm was thrown away,

"I resign the child to your care, Dr. Etherington, conformably to
the dying request of my beloved Betsey."

"I accept the charge, Mr. Goldencalf, comformably to my promise to
the deceased; but you will remember that there was a condition
coupled with that promise which must be faithfully and promptly
fulfilled."

My ancestor was too much accustomed to respect the punctilios of
trade, whose code admits of frauds only in certain categories, which
are sufficiently explained in its conventional rules of honor; a
sort of specified morality, that is bottomed more on the convenience
of its votaries than on the general law of right. He respected the
letter of his promise while his soul yearned to avoid its spirit;
and his wits were already actively seeking the means of doing that
which he so much desired.

"I did make a promise to poor Betsey, certainly," he answered, in
the way of one who pondered, "and it was a promise, too, made under
very solemn circumstances."

"The promises made to the dead are doubly binding; since, by their
departure to the world of spirits, it may be said they leave the
performance to the exclusive superintendence of the Being who cannot
lie."

My ancestor quailed; his whole frame shuddered, and his purpose was
shaken.

"Poor Betsey left you as her representative in this case, however,
Doctor," he observed, after the delay of more than a minute, casting
his eyes wistfully towards the divine.

"In one sense, she certainly did, sir."

"And a representative with full powers is legally a principal under
a different name. I think this matter might be arranged to our
mutual satisfaction, Dr. Etherington, and the intention of poor
Betsey most completely executed; she, poor woman, knew little of
business, as was best for her sex; and when women undertake affairs
of magnitude, they are very apt to make awkward work of it."

"So that the intention of the deceased be completely fulfilled, you
will not find me exacting, Mr. Goldencalf."

"I thought as much--I knew there could be no difficulty between two
men of sense, who were met with honest views to settle a matter of
this nature. The intention of poor Betsey, Doctor, was to place her
child under your care, with the expectation--and I do not deny its
justice--that the boy would receive more benefit from your knowledge
than he possibly could from mine."

Dr. Etherington was too honest to deny these premises, and too
polite to admit them without an inclination of acknowledgment.

"As we are quite of the same mind, good sir, concerning the
preliminaries," continued my ancestor, "we will enter a little
nearer into the details. It appears to me to be no more than strict
justice, that he who does the work should receive the reward. This
is a principle in which I have been educated, Dr. Etherington; it is
one in which I could wish to have my son educated; and it is one on
which I hope always to practise."

Another inclination of the body conveyed the silent assent of the
divine.

"Now, poor Betsey, Heaven bless her!--for she was a meek and
tranquil companion, and richly deserves to be rewarded in a future
state--but, poor Betsey had little knowledge of business. She
fancied that, in bestowing these ten thousand pounds on a charity,
she was acting well; whereas she was in fact committing injustice.
If you are to have the trouble and care of bringing up little Jack,
who but you should reap the reward?"

"I shall expect, Mr. Goldencalf, that you will furnish the means to
provide for the child's wants."

"Of that, sir, it is unnecessary to speak," interrupted my ancestor,
both promptly and proudly. "I am a wary man, and a prudent man, and
am one who knows the value of money, I trust; but I am no miser, to
stint my own flesh and blood. Jack shall never want for anything,
while it is in my power to give it. I am by no means as rich, sir,
as the neighborhood supposes; but then I am no beggar. I dare say,
if all my assets were fairly counted, it might be found that I am
worth a plum."

"You are said to have received a much larger sum than that with the
late Mrs. Goldencalf," the divine observed, not without reproof in
his voice.

"Ah, dear sir, I need not tell you what vulgar rumor is--but I shall
not undermine my own credit; and we will change the subject. My
object, Dr. Etherington, was merely to do justice. Poor Betsey
desired that ten thousand pounds might be given to found a
scholarship or two: now, what have these scholars done, or what are
they likely to do, for me or mine? The case is different with you,
sir; you will have trouble--much trouble, I make no doubt; and it is
proper that you should have a sufficient compensation. I was about
to propose, therefore, that you should consent to receive my check
for three, or four, or even for five thousand pounds," continued my
ancestor, raising the offer as he saw the frown on the brow of the
Doctor deepen. "Yes, sir, I will even say the latter sum, which
possibly will not be too much for your trouble and care; and we will
forget the womanish plan of poor Betsey in relation to the two
scholarships and the charity. Five thousand pounds down, Doctor, for
yourself, and the subject of the charity forgotten forever."

When my father had thus distinctly put his proposition, he awaited
its effect with the confidence of a man who had long dealt with
cupidity. For a novelty, his calculation failed. The face of Dr.
Etherington flushed, then paled, and finally settled into a look of
melancholy reprehension. He arose and paced the room for several
minutes in silence; during which time his companion believed he was
debating with himself on the chances of obtaining a higher bid for
his consent, when he suddenly stopped and addressed my ancestor in a
mild but steady tone.

"I feel it to be a duty, Mr. Goldencalf," he said, "to admonish you
of the precipice over which you hang. The love of money, which is
the root of all evil, which caused Judas to betray even his Saviour
and God, has taken deep root in your soul. You are no longer young,
and although still proud in your strength and prosperity, are much
nearer to your great account than you may be willing to believe. It
is not an hour since you witnessed the departure of a penitent soul
for the presence of her God; since you heard the dying request from
her lips; and since, in such a presence and in such a scene, you
gave a pledge to respect her wishes, and, now, with the accursed
spirit of gain upper-most, you would trifle with these most sacred
obligations, in order to keep a little worthless gold in a hand that
is already full to overflowing. Fancy that the pure spirit of thy
confiding and single-minded wife were present at this conversation;
fancy it mourning over thy weakness and violated faith--nay, I know
not that such is not the fact; for there is no reason to believe
that the happy spirits are not permitted to watch near, and mourn
over us, until we are released from this mass of sin and depravity
in which we dwell--and, then, reflect what must be her sorrow at
hearing how soon her parting request is forgotten, how useless has
been the example of her holy end, how rooted and fearful are thine
own infirmities!"

My father was more rebuked by the manner than by the words of the
divine. He passed his hand across his brow, as if to shut out the
view of his wife's spirit; turned, drew his writing materials
nearer, wrote a check for the ten thousand pounds, and handed it to
the Doctor with the subdued air of a corrected boy.

"Jack shall be at your disposal, good sir," he said, as the paper
was delivered, "whenever it may be your pleasure to send for him."

They parted in silence; the divine too much displeased, and my
ancestor too much grieved, to indulge in words of ceremony.

When my father found himself alone, he gazed furtively about the
room, to assure himself that the rebuking spirit of his wife had not
taken a shape less questionable than air, and then, he mused for at
least an hour, very painfully, on all the principal occurrences of
the night. It is said that occupation is a certain solace for grief,
and so it proved to be in the present case; for luckily my father
had made up that very day his private account of the sum total of
his fortune. Sitting down, therefore, to the agreeable task, he went
through the simple process of subtracting from it the amount for
which he had just drawn, and, finding that he was still master of
seven hundred and eighty-two thousand three hundred and eleven
pounds odd shillings and even pence, he found a very natural
consolation for the magnitude of the sum he had just given away, by
comparing it with the magnitude of that which was left.




CHAPTER III.

OPINIONS OF OUR AUTHOR'S ANCESTOR, TOGETHER WITH SOME OF HIS OWN,
AND SOME OF OTHER PEOPLE'S.


Dr. Etherington was both a pious man and a gentleman. The second son
of a baronet of ancient lineage, he had been educated in most of the
opinions of his caste, and possibly he was not entirely above its
prejudices; but, this much admitted, few divines were more willing
to defer to the ethics and principles of the Bible than himself. His
humility had, of course, a decent regard to station; his charity was
judiciously regulated by the articles of faith; and his philanthropy
was of the discriminating character that became a warm supporter of
church and state.

In accepting the trust which he was now obliged to assume, he had
yielded purely to a benevolent wish to smooth the dying pillow of my
mother. Acquainted with the character of her husband, he had
committed a sort of pious fraud, in attaching the condition of the
endowment to his consent; for, notwithstanding the becoming language
of his own rebuke, the promise, and all the other little attendant
circumstances of the night, it might be questioned which felt the
most surprise after the draft was presented and duly honored, he who
found himself in possession, or he who found himself deprived, of
the sum of ten thousand pounds sterling. Still Dr. Etherington acted
with the most scrupulous integrity in the whole affair; and although
I am aware that a writer who has so many wonders to relate, as must
of necessity adorn the succeeding pages of this manuscript, should
observe a guarded discretion in drawing on the credulity of his
readers, truth compels me to add, that every farthing of the money
was duly invested with a single eye to the wishes of the dying
Christian, who, under Providence, had been the means of bestowing so
much gold on the poor and unlettered. As to the manner in which the
charity was finally improved, I shall say nothing, since no inquiry
on my part has ever enabled me to obtain such information as would
justify my speaking with authority.

As for myself, I shall have little more to add touching the events
of the succeeding twenty years. I was baptized, nursed, breeched,
schooled, horsed, confirmed, sent to the university, and graduated,
much as befalls all gentlemen of the established church in the
united kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland, or, in other words, of
the land of my ancestor. During these pregnant years, Dr.
Etherington acquitted himself of a duty that, judging by a very
predominant feeling of human nature (which, singularly enough,
renders us uniformly averse to being troubled with other people's
affairs), I think he must have found sufficiently vexatious, quite
as well as my good mother had any right to expect. Most of my
vacations were spent at his rectory; for he had first married, then
become a father, next a widower, and had exchanged his town living
for one in the country, between the periods of my mother's death and
that on my going to Eton; and, after I quitted Oxford, much more of
my time was passed beneath his friendly roof than beneath that of my
own parent. Indeed, I saw little of the latter. He paid my bills,
furnished me with pocket-money, and professed an intention to let me
travel after I should reach my majority. But, satisfied with these
proofs of paternal care, he appeared willing to let me pursue my own
course very much in my own way.

My ancestor was an eloquent example of the truth of that political
dogma which teaches the efficacy of the division of labor. No
manufacturer of the head of a pin ever attained greater dexterity in
his single-minded vocation than was reached by my father in the one
pursuit to which he devoted, as far as human ken could reach, both
soul and body. As any sense is known to increase in acuteness by
constant exercise, or any passion by indulgence, so did his ardor in
favor of the great object of his affections grow with its growth,
and become more manifest as an ordinary observer would be apt to
think the motive of its existence at all had nearly ceased. This is
a moral phenomenon that I have often had occasion to observe, and
which, there is some reason to think, depends on a principle of
attraction that has hitherto escaped the sagacity of the
philosophers, but which is as active in the immaterial, as is that
of gravitation in the material world. Talents like his, so
incessantly and unweariedly employed, produced the usual fruits. He
grew richer hourly, and at the time of which I speak he was pretty
generally known to the initiated to be the warmest man who had
anything to do with the stock exchange.

I do not think that the opinions of my ancestor underwent as many
material changes between the ages of fifty and seventy as they had
undergone between the ages of ten and forty. During the latter
period the tree of life usually gets deep root, its inclination is
fixed, whether obtained by bending to the storms, or by drawing
toward the light; and it probably yields more in fruits of its own,
than it gains by tillage and manuring. Still my ancestor was not
exactly the same man the day he kept his seventieth birthday as he
had been the day he kept his fiftieth. In the first place, he was
worth thrice the money at the former period that he had been worth
at the latter. Of course his moral system had undergone all the
mutations that are known to be dependent on a change of this
important character. Beyond a question, during the last five-and-
twenty years of the life of my ancestor, his political bias, too,
was in favor of exclusive privileges and exclusive benefits. I do
not mean that he was an aristocrat in the vulgar acceptation. To
him, feudality was a blank; he had probably never heard the word.
Portcullises rose and fell, flanking towers lifted their heads, and
embattled walls swept around their fabrics in vain, so far as his
imagination was concerned. He cared not for the days of courts leet
and courts baron; nor for the barons themselves; nor for the honors
of a pedigree (why should he?--no prince in the land could more
clearly trace his family into obscurity than himself), nor for the
vanities of a court, nor for those of society; nor for aught else of
the same nature that is apt to have charms for the weak-minded, the
imaginative, or the conceited. His political prepossessions showed
themselves in a very different manner. Throughout the whole of the
five lustres I have named, he was never heard to whisper a censure
against government, let its measures, or the character of its
administration, be what it would. It was enough for him that it was
government. Even taxation no longer excited his ire, nor aroused his
eloquence. He conceived it to be necessary to order, and especially
to the protection of property, a branch of political science that he
had so studied as to succeed in protecting his own estate, in a
measure, against even this great ally itself. After he became worth
a million, it was observed that all his opinions grew less favorable
to mankind in general, and that he was much disposed to exaggerate
the amount and quality of the few boons which Providence has
bestowed on the poor. The report of a meeting of the Whigs generally
had an effect on his appetite; a resolution that was suspected of
emanating from Brookes's commonly robbed him of a dinner, and the
Radicals never seriously moved that he did not spend a sleepless
night, and pass a large portion of the next day in uttering words
that it would be hardly moral to repeat. I may without impropriety
add, however, that on such occasions he did not spare allusions to
the gallows; Sir Francis Burdett, in particular, was a target for a
good deal of billingsgate; and men as upright and as respectable
even as my lords Grey, Landsdowne, and Holland, were treated as if
they were no better than they should be. But on these little details
it is unnecessary to dwell, for it must be a subject of common
remark, that the more elevated and refined men become in their
political ethics, the more they are accustomed to throw dirt upon
their neighbors. I will just state, however, that most of what I
have here related has been transmitted to me by direct oral
traditions, for I seldom saw my ancestor, and when we did meet, it
was only to settle accounts, to eat a leg of mutton together, and to
part like those who, at least, have never quarrelled.

Not so with Dr. Etherington. Habit (to say nothing of my own merits)
had attached him to one who owed so much to his care, and his doors
were always as open to me as if I had been his own son.

It has been said that most of my idle time (omitting the part
misspent in the schools) was passed at the rectory.

The excellent divine had married a lovely woman, a year or two after
the death of my mother, who had left him a widower, and the father
of a little image of herself, before the expiration of a
twelvemonth. Owing to the strength of his affections for the
deceased, or for his daughter, or because he could not please
himself in a second marriage as well as it had been his good fortune
to do in the first, Dr. Etherington had never spoken of forming
another connection. He appeared content to discharge his duties, as
a Christian and a gentleman, without increasing them by creating any
new relations with society.

Anna Etherington was of course my constant companion during many
long and delightful visits at the rectory. Three years my junior,
the friendship on my part had commenced by a hundred acts of boyish
kindness. Between the ages of seven and twelve, I dragged her about
in a garden-chair, pushed her on the swing, and wiped her eyes and
uttered words of friendly consolation when any transient cloud
obscured the sunny brightness of her childhood. From twelve to
fourteen, I told her stories; astonished her with narratives of my
own exploits at Eton, and caused her serene blue eyes to open in
admiration at the marvels of London. At fourteen, I began to pick up
her pocket-handkerchief, hunt for her thimble, accompany her in
duets, and to read poetry to her, as she occupied herself with the
little lady-like employments of the needle. About the age of
seventeen I began to compare cousin Anna, as I was permitted to call
her, with the other young girls of my acquaintance, and the
comparison was generally much in her favor. It was also about this
time that, as my admiration grew more warm and manifest, she became
less confiding and less frank; I perceived too that, for a novelty,
she now had some secrets that she did not choose to communicate to
me, that she was more with her governess, and less in my society
than formerly, and on one occasion (bitterly did I feel the slight)
she actually recounted to her father the amusing incidents of a
little birthday fete at which she had been present, and which was
given by a gentleman of the vicinity, before she even dropped a hint
to me, touching the delight she had experienced on the occasion. I
was, however, a good deal compensated for the slight by her saying,
kindly, as she ended her playful and humorous account of the affair:

"It would have made you laugh heartily, Jack, to see the droll
manner in which the servants acted their parts" (there had been a
sort of mystified masque), "more particularly the fat old butler, of
whom they had made a Cupid, as Dick Griffin said, in order to show
that love becomes drowsy and dull by good eating and drinking--I DO
wish you COULD have been there, Jack."

Anna was a gentle feminine girl, with a most lovely and winning
countenance, and I did inherently like to hear her pronounce the
word "Jack"--it was so different from the boisterous screech of the
Eton boys, or the swaggering call of my boon companions at Oxford!

"I should have liked it excessively myself, Anna," I answered; "more
particularly as you seem to have so much enjoyed the fun."

"Yes, but that COULD NOT BE" interrupted Miss-Mrs. Norton, the
governess. "For Sir Harry Griffin is very difficult about his
associates, and you know, my dear, that Mr. Goldencalf, though a
very respectable young man himself, could not expect one of the
oldest baronets of the county to go out of his way to invite the son
of a stock-jobber to be present at a fete given to his own heir."

Luckily for Miss-Mrs. Norton, Dr. Etherington had walked away the
moment his daughter ended her recital, or she might have met with a
disagreeable commentary on her notions concerning the fitness of
associations. Anna herself looked earnestly at her governess, and I
saw a flush mantle over her sweet face that reminded me of the
ruddiness of morn. Her soft eyes then fell to the floor, and it was
some time before she spoke.

The next day I was arranging some fishing-tackle under a window of
the library, where my person was concealed by the shrubbery, when I
heard the melodious voice of Anna wishing the rector good morning.
My heart beat quicker as she approached the casement, tenderly
inquiring of her parent how he had passed the night. The answers
were as affectionate as the questions, and then there was a little
pause.

"What is a stock-jobber, father?" suddenly resumed Anna, whom I
heard rustling the leaves above my head.

"A stock-jobber, my dear, is one who buys and sells in the public
funds, with a view to profit."

"And is it thought a PARTICULARLY disgraceful employment?"

"Why, that depends on circumstances. On 'Change it seems to be well
enough--among merchants and bankers there is some odium attached to
it, I believe."

"And can you say why, father?"

"I believe," said Dr. Etherington, laughing, "for no other reason
than that it is an uncertain calling--one that is liable to sudden
reverses--what is termed gambling--and whatever renders property
insecure is sure to obtain odium among those whose principal concern
is its accumulation; those who consider the responsibility of others
of essential importance to themselves."

"But is it a dishonest pursuit, father?"

"As the times go, not necessarily, my dear; though it may readily
become so."

"And is it disreputable, generally, with the world?"

"That depends on circumstances, Anna. When the stock-jobber loses,
he is very apt to be condemned; but I rather think his character
rises in proportion to his gains. But why do you ask these singular
questions, love?"

I thought I heard Anna breathe harder than usual, and it is certain
that she leaned far out of the window to pluck a rose.

"Why, Mrs. Norton said Jack was not invited to Sir Harry Griffin's
because his father was a stock-jobber. Do you think she was right,
sir?"

"Very likely, my dear," returned the divine, who I fancied was
smiling at the question. "Sir Harry has the advantages of birth, and
he probably did not forget that our friend Jack was not so
fortunate--and, moreover, Sir Harry, while he values himself on his
wealth, is not as rich as Jack's father by a million or two--in
other words, as they say on 'Change, Jack's father could buy ten of
him. This motive was perhaps more likely to influence him than the
first. In addition, Sir Harry is suspected of gambling himself in
the funds through the aid of agents; and a gentleman who resorts to
such means to increase his fortune is a little apt to exaggerate his
social advantages by way of a set-off to the humiliation."

"And GENTLEMEN do really become stock-jobbers, father?"

"Anna, the world has undergone great changes in my time. Ancient
opinions have been shaken, and governments themselves are getting to
be little better than political establishments to add facilities to
the accumulation of money. This is a subject, however, you cannot
very well understand, nor do I pretend to be very profound in it
myself."

"But is Jack's father really so very, very rich?" asked Anna, whose
thoughts had been wandering from the thread of those pursued by her
father.

"He is believed to be so."

"And Jack is his heir."

"Certainly--he has no other child; though it is not easy to say what
so singular a being may do with his money."

"I hope he will disinherit Jack!"

"You surprise me, Anna! You, who are so mild and reasonable, to wish
such a misfortune to befall our young friend John Goldencalf!" I
gazed upward in astonishment at this extraordinary speech of Anna,
and at the moment I would have given all my interest in the fortune
in question to have seen her face (most of her body was out of the
window, for I heard her again rustling the bush above my head), in
order to judge of her motive by its expression; but an envious rose
grew exactly in the only spot where it was possible to get a
glimpse.

"Why do you wish so cruel a thing?" resumed Dr. Etherington, a
little earnestly.

"Because I hate stock-jobbing and its riches, father. Were Jack
poorer, it seems to me he would be better esteemed."

As this was uttered the dear girl drew back, and I then perceived
that I had mistaken her cheek for one of the largest and most
blooming of the flowers. Dr. Etherington laughed, and I distinctly
heard him kiss the blushing face of his daughter. I think I would
have given up my hopes in another million to have been the rector at
Tenthpig at that instant.

"If that be all, child," he answered, "set thy heart at rest. Jack's
money will never bring him into contempt unless through the use he
may make of it. Alas! Anna, we live in an age of corruption and
cupidity! Generous motives appear to be lost sight of in the general
desire of gain; and he who would manifest a disposition to a pure
and disinterested philanthropy is either distrusted as a hypocrite
or derided as a fool. The accursed revolution among our neighbors
the French has quite unsettled opinions, and religion itself has
tottered in the wild anarchy of theories to which it has given rise.
There is no worldly advantage that has been more austerely denounced
by the divine writers than riches, and yet it is fast rising to be
the god of the ascendant. To say nothing of an hereafter, society is
getting to be corrupted by it to the core, and even respect for
birth is yielding to the mercenary feeling."

"And do you not think pride of birth, father, a mistaken prejudice
as well as pride of riches?"

"Pride of any sort, my love, cannot exactly be defended on
evangelical principles; but surely some distinctions among men are
necessary, even for quiet. Were the levelling principle
acknowledged, the lettered and the accomplished must descend to an
equality with the ignorant and vulgar, since all men cannot rise to
the attainments of the former class, and the world would retrograde
to barbarism. The character of a Christian gentleman is much too
precious to trifle with in order to carry out an impracticable
theory."

Anna was silent. Probably she was confused between the opinions
which she most liked to cherish and the faint glimmerings of truth
to which we are reduced by the ordinary relations of life. As for
the good rector himself, I had no difficulty in understanding his
bias, though neither his premises nor his conclusions possessed the
logical clearness that used to render his sermons so delightful,
more especially when he preached about the higher qualities of the
Saviour's dispensation, such as charity, love of our fellows, and,
in particular, the imperative duty of humbling ourselves before God.

A month after this accidental dialogue, chance made me auditor of
what passed between my ancestor and Sir Joseph Job, another
celebrated dealer in the funds, in an interview that took place in
the house of the former in Cheapside. As the difference was so
PATENT, as the French express it, I shall furnish the substance of
what passed.

"This is a serious and a most alarming movement, Mr. Goldencalf,"
observed Sir Joseph, "and calls for union and cordiality among the
holders of property. Should these damnable opinions get fairly
abroad among the people, what would become of us? I ask, Mr.
Goldencalf, what would become of us?"

"I agree with you, Sir Joseph, it is very alarming!--frightfully
alarming!"

"We shall have agrarian laws, sir. Your money, sir, and mine--our
hard earnings--will become the prey of political robbers, and our
children will be beggared to satisfy the envious longings of some
pitiful scoundrel without a six-pence!"

"'Tis a sad state of things, Sir Joseph; and government is very
culpable that it don't raise at least ten new regiments."

"The worst of it is, good Mr. Goldencalf, that there are some jack-
a-napeses of the aristocracy who lead the rascals on and lend them
the sanction of their names. It is a great mistake, sir, that we
give so much importance to birth in this island, by which means
proud beggars set unwashed blackguards in motion, and the
substantial subjects are the sufferers. Property, sir, is in danger,
and property is the only true basis of society."

"I am sure, Sir Joseph, I never could see the smallest use in
birth."

"It is of no use but to beget pensioners, Mr. Goldencalf. Now with
property it is a different thing--money is the parent of money, and
by money a state becomes powerful and prosperous. But this accursed
revolution among our neighbors the French has quite unsettled
opinions, and, alas! property is in perpetual danger!"

"Sorry am I to say, I feel it to be so in every nerve of my body,
Sir Joseph."

"We must unite and defend ourselves, Mr. Goldencalf, else both you
and I, men warm enough and substantial enough at present, will be in
the ditch. Do you not see that we are in actual danger of a division
of property?"

"God forbid!"

"Yes, sir, our sacred property is in danger!"

Here Sir Joseph shook my father cordially by the hand and withdrew.
I find, by a memorandum among the papers of my deceased ancestor,
that he paid the broker of Sir Joseph, that day month, sixty-two
thousand seven hundred and twelve pounds difference (as bull and
bear), owing to the fact of the knight having got some secret
information through a clerk in one of the offices; an advantage that
enabled him, in this instance, at least, to make a better bargain
than one who was generally allowed to be among the shrewdest
speculators on 'Change.

My mind was of a nature to be considerably exercised (as the pious
purists express it), by becoming the depository of sentiments so
diametrically opposed to each other as those of Dr. Etherington and
those of Sir Joseph Job. On the one side, I was taught the
degradation of birth; on the other, the dangers of property. Anna
was usually my confidant, but on this subject I was tongue-tied, for
I dared not confess that I had overheard the discourse with her
father, and I was compelled to digest the contradictory doctrines by
myself in the best manner I could.




CHAPTER IV.

SHOWING THE UPS AND DOWNS, THE HOPES AND FEARS, AND THE VAGARIES OF
LOVE, SOME VIEWS OF DEATH, AND AN ACCOUNT OF AN INHERITANCE.


From my twentieth to my twenty-third year no event occurred of any
great moment. The day I became of age my father settled on me a
regular allowance of a thousand a year, and I make no doubt I should
have spent my time much as other young men had it not been for the
peculiarity of my birth, which I now began to see was wanting in a
few of the requisites to carry me successfully through a struggle
for place with a certain portion of what is called the great world.
While most were anxious to trace themselves into obscurity, there
was a singular reluctance to effecting the object as clearly and as
distinctly as it was in my power to do. From all which, as well as
from much other testimony, I have been led to infer that the doses
of mystification which appear to be necessary to the happiness of
the human race require to be mixed with an experienced and a
delicate hand. Our organs, both physically and morally, are so
fearfully constituted that they require to be protected from
realities. As the physical eye has need of clouded glass to look
steadily at the sun so it would seem the mind's eye has also need of
something smoky to look steadily at truth. But, while I avoided
laying open the secret of my heart to Anna, I sought various
opportunities to converse with Dr. Etherington and my father on
those points which gave me the most concern. From the first, I heard
principles which went to show that society was of necessity divided
into orders; that it was not only impolitic but wicked to weaken the
barriers by which they were separated; that Heaven had its seraphs
and cherubs, its archangels and angels, its saints and its merely
happy, and that, by obvious induction, this world ought to have its
kings, lords, and commons. The usual winding-up of all the Doctor's
essays was a lamentation on the confusion in classes that was
visiting England as a judgment. My ancestor, on the other hand,
cared little for social classification, or for any other
conservatory expedient but force. On this topic he would talk all
day, regiments and bayonets glittering in every sentence. When most
eloquent on this theme he would cry (like Mr. Manners Sutton),
"ORDER--order!" nor can I recall a single disquisition that did not
end with, "Alas, Jack, property is in danger!"

I shall not say that my mind entirely escaped confusion among these
conflicting opinions, although I luckily got a glimpse of one
important truth, for both the commentators cordially agreed in
fearing and, of necessity, in hating the mass of their fellow-
creatures. My own natural disposition was inclining to philanthropy,
and as I was unwilling to admit the truth of theories that arrayed
me in open hostility against so large a portion of mankind, I soon
determined to set up one of my own, which, while it avoided the
faults, should include the excellences of both the others. It was,
of course, no great affair merely to form such a resolution; but I
shall have occasion to say a word hereafter on the manner in which I
attempted to carry it out in practice.

Time moved on, and Anna became each day more beautiful. I thought
that she had lost some of her frankness and girlish gayety, it is
true, after the dialogue with her father; but this I attributed to
the reserve and discretion that became the expanding reason and
greater feeling of propriety that adorn young womanhood. With me she
was always ingenuous and simple, and were I to live a thousand years
the angelic serenity of countenance with which she invariably
listened to the theories of my busy brain would not be erased from
recollection.

We were talking of these things one morning quite alone. Anna heard
me when I was most sedate with manifest pleasure, and she smiled
mournfully when the thread of my argument was entangled by a vagary
of the imagination. I felt at my heart's core what a blessing such a
mentor would be, and how fortunate would be my lot could I succeed
in securing her for life. Still I did not, could not, summon courage
to lay bare my inmost thoughts, and to beg a boon that in these
moments of transient humility I feared I never should be worthy to
possess.

"I have even thought of marrying," I continued--so occupied with my
own theories as not to weigh, with the accuracy that becomes the
frankness and superior advantages which man possesses over the
gentler sex, the full import of my words; "could I find one, Anna,
as gentle, as good, as beautiful, and as wise as yourself who would
consent to be mine, I should not wait a minute; but, unhappily, I
fear this is not likely to be my blessed lot. I am not the grandson
of a baronet, and your father expects to unite you with one who can
at least show that the 'bloody hand' has once been born on his
shield; and, on the other side, my father talks of nothing but
millions." During the first part of this speech the amiable girl
looked kindly up at me, and with a seeming desire to soothe me; but
at its close her eyes dropped upon her work and she remained silent.
"Your father says that every man who has an interest in the state
should give it pledges"--here Anna smiled, but so covertly that her
sweet mouth scarce betrayed the impulse--"and that none others can
ever control it to advantage. I have thought of asking my father to
buy a borough and a baronetcy, for with the first, and the influence
that his money gives, he need not long wish for the last; but I
never open my lips on any matter of the sort that he does not answer
'Fol lol der rol, Jack, with your knighthoods, and social order, and
bishoprics, and boroughs--property is in danger!--loans and
regiments, if thou wilt--give us more order "ORDER--order"--bayonets
are what we want, boy, and good wholesome taxes, to accustom the
nation to contribute to its own wants and to maintain its credit.
Why, youngster, if the interest on the debt were to remain unpaid
twenty-four hours, your body corporate, as you call it, would die a
natural death; and what would then become of your knights--barro-
knights?--and barren enough some of them are getting to be by their
wastefulness and extravagance. Get thee married, Jack, and settle
prudently. There is neighbor Silverpenny has an only daughter of a
suitable age; and a good hussy is she in the bargain. The only
daughter of Oliver Silverpenny will be a suitable wife for the only
son of Thomas Goldencalf; though I give thee notice, boy, that thou
wilt be cut off with a competency; so keep thy head clear of
extravagant castle-building, learn economy in season, and, above
all, make no debts.' "Anna laughed as I humorously imitated the
well-known intonations of Mr. Speaker Sutton, but a cloud darkened
her bright features when I concluded.

"Yesterday I mentioned the subject to your father," I resumed, "and
he thought with me that the idea of the borough and the baronetcy
was a good one. 'You would be the second of your line, Jack,' he
said, 'and that is always better than being the first; for there is
no security for a man's being a good member of society like that of
his having presented to his eyes the examples of those who have gone
before him, and who have been distinguished by their services or
their virtues. If your father would consent to come into parliament
and sustain government at this critical moment, his origin would be
overlooked, and you would have pride in looking back on his acts. As
it is, I fear his whole soul is occupied with the unworthy and
debasing passion of mere gain. Money is a necessary auxiliary to
rank, and without rank there can be no order, and without order no
liberty; but when the love of money gets to occupy the place of
respect for descent and past actions, a community loses the very
sentiment on which all its noble exploits are bottomed.' So you see,
dear Anna, that our parents hold very different opinions on a very
grave question, and between natural affection and acquired
veneration I scarcely know which to receive. If I could find one
sweet, and wise, and beautiful as thou, and who could pity me, I
would marry to-morrow, and cast all the future on the happiness that
is to be found with such a companion."

As usual, Anna heard me in silence. That she did not, however, view
matrimony with exactly the same eyes as myself was clearly proved
the very next day, for young Sir Harry Griffin (the father was dead)
offered in form and was very decidedly refused.

Although I was always happy at the rectory, I could not help feeling
rather than seeing that, as the French express it, I occupied a
false position in society. Known to be the expectant of great
wealth, it was not easy to be overlooked altogether in a country
whose government is based on a representation of property, and in
which boroughs are openly in market; and yet they who had obtained
the accidental advantage of having their fortunes made by their
grandfathers were constantly convincing me that mine, vast as it was
thought to be, was made by my father. Ten thousand times did I wish
(as it has since been expressed by the great captain of the age),
that I had been my own grandson; for notwithstanding the probability
that he who is nearest to the founder of a fortune is the most
likely to share the largest in its accumulations, as he who is
nearest in descent to the progenitor who has illustrated his race is
the most likely to feel the influence of his character, I was not
long in perceiving that in highly refined and intellectual
communities the public sentiment, as it is connected with the
respect and influence that are the meed of both, directly refutes
the inferences of all reasonable conjectures on the subject. I was
out of my place, uneasy, ashamed, proud, and resentful; in short I
occupied a FALSE POSITION, and unluckily one from which I saw no
plausible retreat except by falling back on Lombard street or by
cutting my throat. Anna alone--kind, gentle, serene-eyed Anna--
entered into all my joys, sympathized in my mortifications, and
appeared to view me as I was; neither dazzled by my wealth nor
repelled by my origin. The day she refused young Sir Harry Griffin I
could have kneeled at her feet and called her blessed!

It is said that no moral disease is ever benefited by its study. I
was a living proof of the truth of the opinion that brooding over
one's wrongs or infirmities seldom does much more than aggravate the
evil. I greatly fear it is in the nature of man to depreciate the
advantages he actually enjoys and to exaggerate those which are
denied him. Fifty times during the six months that succeeded the
repulse of the young baronet did I resolve to take heart and to
throw myself at the feet of Anna, and as often was I deterred by the
apprehension that I had nothing to render me worthy of one so
excellent, and especially of one who was the granddaughter of the
seventh English baronet. I do not pretend to explain the connection
between cause and effect, for I am neither physician nor
metaphysician; but the tumult of spirits that resulted from so many
doubts, hopes, fears, resolutions, and breakings of resolutions,
began to affect my health, and I was just about to yield to the
advice of my friends (among whom Anna was the most earnest and the
most sorrowful), to travel, when an unexpected call to attend the
death-bed of my ancestor was received. I tore myself from the
rectory and hurried up to town with the diligence and assiduity of
an only son and heir summoned on an occasion so solemn.

I found my ancestor still in the possession of his senses, though
given over by the physicians; a circumstance that proved a degree of
disinterestedness and singleness of purpose on their part that was
scarcely to be expected towards a patient who it was commonly
believed was worth more than a million. My reception by the servants
and by the two or three friends who had assembled on this melancholy
occasion, too, was sympathizing, warm, and of a character to show
their solicitude and forethought.

My reception by the sick man was less marked. The total abstraction
of his faculties in the one great pursuit of his life; a certain
sternness of purpose which is apt to get the ascendant with those
who are resolute to gain, and which usually communicates itself to
the manners; and an absence of those kinder ties that are developed
by the exercise of the more familiar charities of our existence had
opened a breach between us that was not to be filled by the simple
unaided fact of natural affinity. I say of natural affinity, for
notwithstanding the doubts that cast their shadows on that branch of
my genealogical tree by which I was connected with my maternal
grandfather, the title of the king to his crown is not more apparent
than was my direct lineal descent from my father. I always believed
him to be my ancestor de jure as well as de facto, and could fain
have loved him and honored him as such had my natural yearnings been
met with more lively bowels of sympathy on his side.

Notwithstanding the long and unnatural estrangement that had thus
existed between the father and son, the meeting on the present
occasion was not entirely without some manifestations of feeling.

"Thou art come at last, Jack," said my ancestor; "I was afraid, boy,
thou might'st be too late."

The difficult breathing, haggard countenance, and broken utterance
of my father struck me with awe. This was the first death-bed by
which I had ever stood; and the admonishing picture of time passing
into eternity was indelibly stamped on my memory. It was not only a
death-bed scene, but it was a family death-bed scene. I know not how
it was, but I thought my ancestor looked more like the Goldencalfs
than I had ever seen him look before.

"Thou hast come at last, Jack," he repeated, "and I'm glad of it.
Thou art the only being in whom I have now any concern. It might
have been better, perhaps, had I lived more with my kind--but thou
wilt be the gainer. Ah! Jack, we are but miserable mortals after
all! To be called away so suddenly and so young!"

My ancestor had seen his seventy-fifth birthday; but unhappily he
had not settled all his accounts with the world, although he had
given the physician his last fee and sent the parson away with a
donation to the poor of the parish that would make even a beggar
merry for a whole life.

"Thou art come at last, Jack! Well, my loss will be thy gain, boy!
Send the nurse from the room."

I did as commanded, and we were left to ourselves.

"Take this key," handing me one from beneath his pillow, "and open
the upper drawer of my secretary. Bring me the packet which is
addressed to thyself."

I silently obeyed; when my ancestor, first gazing at it with a
sadness that I cannot well describe--for it was neither worldly nor
quite of an ethereal character, but a singular and fearful compound
of both--put the papers into my hand, relinquishing his hold slowly
and with reluctance.

"Thou wilt wait till I am out of thy sight, Jack?"

A tear burst from out its source and fell upon the emaciated hand of
my father. He looked at me wistfully, and I felt a slight pressure
that denoted affection.

"It might have been better, Jack, had we known more of each other.
But Providence made me fatherless, and I have lived childless by my
own folly. Thy mother was a saint, I believe; but I fear I learned
it too late. Well, a blessing often comes at the eleventh hour!"

As my ancestor now manifested a desire not to be disturbed, I called
the nurse and quitted the room, retiring to my own modest chamber,
where the packet, a large bundle of papers sealed and directed to
myself in the handwriting of the dying man, was carefully secured
under a good lock. I did not meet my father again but once under
circumstances which admitted of intelligible communion. From the
time of our first interview he gradually grew worse, his reason
tottered, and, like the sinful cardinal of Shakespeare, "he died and
gave no sign."

Three days after my arrival, however, I was left alone with him, and
he suddenly revived from a state approaching to stupor. It was the
only time since the first interview in which he had seemed even to
know me.

"Thou art come at last!" he said, in a tone that was already
sepulchral. "Canst tell me, boy, why they had golden rods to measure
the city?" His nurse had been reading to him a chapter of the
Revelations which had been selected by himself. "Thou seest, lad,
the wall itself was of jasper and the city was of pure gold--I shall
not need money in my new habitation--ha! it will not be wanted
there!--I am not crazed, Jack--would I had loved gold less and my
kind more. The city itself is of pure gold and the walls of jasper--
precious abode!--ha! Jack, thou hearest, boy--I am happy--too happy,
Jack!--gold--gold!"

The final words were uttered with a shout. They were the last that
ever came from the lips of Thomas Goldencalf. The noise brought in
the attendants, who found him dead. I ordered the room to be cleared
as soon as the melancholy truth was fairly established, and remained
several minutes alone with the body. The countenance was set in
death. The eyes, still open, had that revolting glare of frenzied
delight with which the spirit had departed, and the whole face
presented the dread picture of a hopeless end. I knelt and, though a
Protestant, prayed fervently for the soul of the deceased. I then
took my leave of the first and the last of all my ancestors.

To this scene succeeded the usual period of outward sorrow, the
interment, and the betrayal of the expectations of the survivors. I
observed that the house was much frequented by many who rarely or
never had crossed its threshold during the life of its late owner.
There was much cornering, much talking in an undertone, and looking
at me that I did not understand, and gradually the number of regular
visitors increased until it amounted to about twenty. Among them
were the parson of the parish, the trustees of several notorious
charities, three attorneys, four or five well-known dealers of the
stock exchange, foremost among whom was Sir Joseph Job, and three of
the professionally benevolent, or of those whose sole occupation
appears to be that of quickening the latent charities of their
neighbors.

The day after my ancestor was finally removed from our sight, the
house was more than usually crowded. The secret conferences
increased both in earnestness and in frequency, and finally I was
summoned to meet these ill-timed guests in the room which had been
the sanctum sanctorum of the late owner of the dwelling. As I
entered among twenty strange faces, wondering why I, who had
hitherto passed through life so little heeded, should be
unseasonably importuned, Sir Joseph Job presented himself as the
spokesman of the party.

"We have sent for you, Mr. Goldencalf," the knight commenced,
decently wiping his eyes, "because we think that respect for our
late much-esteemed, most excellent, and very respectable friend
requires that we no longer neglect his final pleasure, but that we
should proceed at once to open his will, in order that we may take
prompt measures for its execution. It would have been more regular
had we done this before he was interred, for we cannot have foreseen
his pleasure concerning his venerable remains; but it is fully my
determination to have everything done as he has ordered, even though
we may be compelled to disinter the body."

I am habitually quiescent, and possibly credulous, but nature has
not denied me a proper spirit. What Sir Joseph Job, or any one but
myself, had to do with the will of my ancestor did not strike me at
first sight; and I took care to express as much, in terms it was not
easy to misunderstand.

"The only child and, indeed, the only known relative of the
deceased," I said, "I do not well see, gentlemen, how this subject
should interest in this lively manner so many strangers!"

"Very spirited and proper, no doubt, sir," returned Sir Joseph,
smiling; "but you ought to know, young gentleman, that if there are
such things as heirs there are also such things as executors!"

This I did know already, and I had also somewhere imbibed an opinion
that the latter was commonly the most lucrative situation.

"Have you any reason to suppose, Sir Joseph Job, that my late father
has selected you to fulfil this trust?"

"That will be better known in the end, young gentleman. Your late
father is known to have died rich, very rich--not that he has left
as much by half a million as vulgar report will have it--but what I
should term comfortably off; and it is unreasonable to suppose that
a man of his great caution and prudence should suffer his money to
go to the heir-at-law, that heir being a youth only in his twenty-
third year, ignorant of business, not over-gifted with experience,
and having the propensities of all his years in this ill-behaving
and extravagant age, without certain trusts and provisions which
will leave his hard earnings for some time to come under the care of
men who like himself know the full value of money."

"No, never!--'tis quite impossible--'tis more than impossible!"
exclaimed the bystanders, all shaking their heads.

"And the late Mr. Goldencalf, too, intimate with most of the
substantial names on 'Change, and particularly with Sir Joseph Job!"
added another.

Sir Joseph Job nodded his head, smiled, stroked his chin, and stood
waiting for my reply.

"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph," I said, ironically; "but it
matters not. If there is a will, it is as much my interest to know
it as it can possibly be yours; and I am quite willing that a search
be made on the spot."

Sir Joseph looked daggers at me; but being a man of business he took
me at my word, and, receiving the keys I offered, a proper person
was immediately set to work to open the drawers. The search was
continued for four hours without success. Every private drawer was
rummaged, every paper opened, and many a curious glance was cast at
the contents of the latter, in order to get some clew to the
probable amount of the assets of the deceased. Consternation and
uneasiness very evidently increased among most of the spectators as
the fruitless examination proceeded; and when the notary ended,
declaring that no will was to be found, nor any evidence of credits,
every eye was fastened on me as if I were suspected of stealing that
which in the order of nature was likely to be my own without the
necessity of crime.

"There must be a secret repository of papers somewhere," said Sir
Joseph Job, as if he suspected more than he wished just then to
express; "Mr. Goldencalf is largely a creditor on the public books,
and yet here is not so much as a scrip for a pound!"

I left the room and soon returned, bringing with me the bundle that
had been committed to me by my father.

"Here, gentlemen," I said, "is a large packet of papers that were
given to me by the deceased on his death-bed with his own hands. It
is, as you see, sealed with his seal and especially addressed to me
in his own handwriting, and it is not violent to suppose that the
contents concern me only. Still, as you take so great an interest in
the affairs of the deceased, it shall now be opened, and those
contents, so far as you can have any right to know them, shall not
be hid from you."

I thought Sir Joseph looked grave when he saw the packet and had
examined the handwriting of the envelope. All, however, expressed
their satisfaction that the search was now most probably ended. I
broke the seals and exposed the contents of the envelope. Within it
there were several smaller packets, each sealed with the seal of the
deceased, and each addressed to me in his own handwriting like the
external covering. Each of these smaller packets, too, had a
separate indorsement of its contents. Taking them as they lay, I
read aloud the nature of each before I proceeded to the next. They
were also numbered.

"No. 1," I commenced. "Certificates of public stock held by Tho.
Goldencalf, June 12th, 1815." We were now at June 29th of the same
year. As I laid aside this packet I observed that the sum indorsed
on its back greatly exceeded a million. "No. 2. Certificates of Bank
of England stock." This sum was several hundred thousands of pounds.
"No. 3. South Sea Annuities." Nearly three hundred thousand pounds.
"No. 4. Bonds and mortgages." Four hundred and thirty thousand
pounds. "No. 5. The bond of Sir Joseph Job for sixty-three thousand
pounds."

I laid down the paper and involuntarily exclaimed, "Property is in
danger!" Sir Joseph turned pale, but he beckoned to me to proceed,
saying, "We shall soon come to the will, sir."

"No. 6.--" I hesitated; for it was an assignment to myself, which
from its very nature I perceived was an abortive attempt to escape
the payment of the legacy duty.

"Well, sir, No. 6?" inquired Sir Joseph, with tremulous exultation.

"Is an instrument affecting myself, and with which you have no
concern, sir."

"We shall see, sir, we shall see, sir--if you refuse to exhibit the
paper there are laws to compel you."

"To do what, Sir Joseph Job? To exhibit to my father's debtors'
papers that are exclusively addressed to me and which can affect me
only? But here is the paper, gentlemen, that you so much desire to
see. 'No. 7. The last will and testament of Tho. Goldencalf, dated
June 17th, 1816.'" (He died June the 24th of the same year.)

"Ah! the precious instrument!" exclaimed Sir Joseph Job, eagerly
extending his hand as if expecting to receive the will.

"This paper, as you perceive, gentlemen," I said, holding it up in a
manner that all present might see it, "is especially addressed to
myself, and it shall not quit my hands until I learn that some other
has a better right to it."

I confess my heart failed me as I broke the seals, for I had seen
but little of my father and I knew that he had been a man of very
peculiar opinions as well as habits. The will was all in his own
handwriting, and it was very short. Summoning courage I read it
aloud in the following words:

"In the name of God--Amen: I, Tho. Goldencalf, of the parish of Bow,
in the city of London, do publish and declare this instrument to be
my last will and testament:

"That is to say; I bequeath to my only child and much-beloved son,
John Goldencalf, all my real estate in the parish of Bow and city of
London, aforesaid, to be held in free-simple by him, his heirs, and
assigns, forever.

"I bequeath to my said only child and much-beloved son, John
Goldencalf, all my personal property of every sort and description
whatever of which I may die possessed, including bonds and
mortgages, public debt, bank stock, notes of hand, goods and
chattels, and all others of my effects, to him, his heirs, or
assigns.

"I nominate and appoint my said much-beloved son, John Goldencalf,
to be the sole executor of this my last will and testament,
counselling him not to confide in any of those who may profess to
have been my friends; and particularly to turn a deaf ear to all the
pretensions and solicitations of Sir Joseph Job, Knight. In witness
whereof," etc., etc.

This will was duly executed, and it was witnessed by the nurse, his
confidential clerk, and the housemaid.

"Property is in danger, Sir Joseph!" I dryly remarked, as I gathered
together the papers in order to secure them.

"This will may be set aside, gentlemen!" cried the knight in a fury.
"It contains a libel!"

"And for whose benefit, Sir Joseph?" I quietly inquired. "With or
without the will my title to my father's assets would seem to be
equally valid."

This was so evidently true that the more prudent retired in silence;
and even Sir Joseph after a short delay, during which he appeared to
be strangely agitated, withdrew. The next week his failure was
announced, in consequence of some extravagant risks on 'Change, and
eventually I received but three shillings and fourpence in the pound
for my bond of sixty-three thousand.

When the money was paid I could not help exclaiming mentally,
"Property is in danger!"

The following morning Sir Joseph Job balanced his account with the
world by cutting his throat.




CHAPTER V.

ABOUT THE SOCIAL-STAKE SYSTEM, THE DANGERS OF CONCENTRATION, AND
OTHER MORAL AND IMMORAL CURIOSITIES.


The affairs of my father were almost as easy of settlement as those
of a pauper. In twenty-four hours I was completely master of them,
and found myself if not the richest, certainly one of the richest
subjects of Europe. I say subjects, for sovereigns frequently have a
way of appropriating the effects of others that would render a
pretension to rivalry ridiculous. Debts there were none: and if
there had been, ready money was not wanting; the balance in cash in
my favor at the bank amounted in itself to a fortune.

The reader may now suppose that I was perfectly happy. Without a
solitary claim on either my time or my estate, I was in the
enjoyment of an income that materially exceeded the revenues of many
reigning princes. I had not an ex-pensive nor a vicious habit of any
sort. Of houses, horses, hounds, packs, and menials, there were none
to vex or perplex me. In every particular save one I was completely
my own master. That one was the near, dear, cherished sentiment that
rendered Anna in my eyes an angel (and truly she was little short of
it in those of other people), and made her the polar star to which
every wish pointed. How gladly would I have paid half a million just
then to be the grandson of a baronet with precedency from the
seventeenth century!

There was, however, another and a present cause for un-easiness that
gave me even more concern than the fact that my family reached the
dark ages with so much embarrassing facility. In witnessing the
dying agony of my ancestor I had got a dread lesson on the vanity,
the hopeless character, the dangers, and the delusions of wealth
that time can never eradicate. The history of its accumulation was
ever present to mar the pleasure of its possession. I do not mean
that I suspected what by the world's convention is deemed
dishonesty--of that there had been no necessity--but simply that the
heartless and estranged existence, the waste of energies, the
blunted charities, and the isolated and distrustful habits of my
father appeared to me to be but poorly requited by the joyless
ownership of its millions. I would have given largely to be directed
in such a way as while escaping the wastefulness of the shoals of
Scylla I might in my own case steer clear of the miserly rocks of
Charybdis.

When I drove from between the smoky lines of the London houses into
the green fields and amid the blossoming hedges, this earth looked
beautiful and as if it were made to be loved. I saw in it the
workmanship of a divine and beneficent Creator, and it was not
difficult to persuade myself that he who dwelt in the confusion of a
town in order to transfer gold from the pocket of his neighbor to
his own had mistaken the objects of his being. My poor ancestor who
had never quitted London stood before me with his dying regrets; and
my first resolution was to live in open communion with my kind. So
intense, indeed, did my anxiety to execute this purpose become that
it might have led even to frenzy had not a fortunate circumstance
interposed to save me from so dire a calamity.

The coach in which I had taken passage (for I purposely avoided the
parade and trouble of post-chaise and servants), passed through a
market town of known loyalty on the eve of a contested election.
This appeal to the intelligence and patriotism of the constituency
had occurred in consequence of the late incumbent having taken
office. The new minister, for he was a member of the cabinet, had
just ended his canvass, and he was about to address his fellow-
subjects from a window of the tavern in which he lodged. Fatigued,
but ready to seek mental relief by any means, I threw myself from
the coach, secured a room, and made one of the multitude.

The favorite candidate occupied a large balcony surrounded by his
principal friends, among whom it was delightful to see earls, lords
John, baronets, dignitaries of the church, tradesmen of influence in
the borough, and even a mechanic or two, all squeezed together in
the agreeable amalgamation of political affinity. Here then, thought
I, is an example of the heavenly charities I The candidate himself,
the son and heir of a peer, feels that he is truly of the same flesh
and blood as his constituents; how amiably he smiles!--how bland are
his manners!--and with what cordiality does he shake hands with the
greasiest and the worst! There must be a corrective to human pride,
a stimulus to the charities, a never-ending lesson of benevolence in
this part of our excellent system, and I will look farther into it.
The candidate appeared and his harangue commenced.

Memory would fail me were I to attempt recording the precise
language of the orator, but his opinions and precepts are so deeply
graven on my recollection that I do not fear misrepresenting them.
He commenced with a very proper and eloquent eulogium on the
constitution, which he fearlessly pronounced to be in its way the
very perfection of human reason; in proof of which he adduced the
well-ascertained fact that it had always been known throughout the
vicissitudes and trials of so many centuries to accommodate itself
to circumstances, abhorring change. "Yes, my friends," he exclaimed,
in a burst of patriotic and constitutional fervor, "whether under
the roses or the lilies--the Tudors, the Stuarts, or the illustrious
house of Brunswick, this glorious structure has resisted the storms
of faction, has been able to receive under its sheltering roof the
most opposite elements of domestic strife, affording protection,
warmth, aye, and food and raiment"-(here the orator happily laid his
hand on the shoulder of a butcher, who wore a frieze overcoat that
made him look not unlike a stall-fed beast)--"yes, food and raiment,
victuals and drink, to the meanest subject in the realm. Nor is this
all; it is a constitution peculiarly English: and who is there so
base, so vile, so untrue to himself, to his fathers, to his
descendants, as to turn his back on a constitution that is
thoroughly and inherently English, a constitution that he has
inherited from his ancestors, and which by every obligation both
human and divine he is bound to transmit unchanged to posterity";--
here the orator, who continued to speak, however, was deafened by
shouts of applause, and that part of the subject might very fairly
be considered as definitively settled.

From the constitution as a whole the candidate next proceeded to
extol the particular feature of it that was known as the borough of
Householder. According to his account of this portion of the
government, its dwellers were animated by the noblest spirit of
independence, the most rooted determination to uphold the ministry
of which he was the least worthy member, and were distinguished by
what in an ecstasy of political eloquence he happily termed the most
freeborn understanding of its rights and privileges. This loyal and
judicious borough had never been known to waste its favors on those
who had not a stake in the community. It understood that fundamental
principle of good government which lays down the axiom that none
were to be trusted but those who had a visible and an extended
interest in the country; for without these pledges of honesty and
independence what had the elector to expect but bribery and
corruption--a traffic in his dearest rights, and a bargaining that
might destroy the glorious institutions under which he dwelt. This
part of the harangue was listened to in respectful silence, and
shortly after the orator concluded; when the electors dispersed,
with, no doubt, a better opinion of themselves and the constitution
than it had probably been their good fortune to entertain since the
previous election.

Accident placed me at dinner (the house being crowded) at the same
table with an attorney who had been very active the whole morning
among the Householders, and who I soon learned, from himself, was
the especial agent of the owner of the independent borough in
question. He told me that he had came down with the expectation of
disposing of the whole property to Lord Pledge, the ministerial
candidate named; but the means had not been forthcoming as he had
been led to hope, and the bargain was unluckily broken off at the
very moment when it was of the utmost importance to know to whom the
independent electors rightfully belonged.

"His lordship, however," continued the attorney, winking, "has done
what is handsome; and there can be no more doubt of his election
than there would be of yours did you happen to own the borough."

"And is the property now open for sale?" I asked.

"Certainly-my principal can hold out no longer. The price is
settled, and I have his power of attorney to make the preliminary
bargain. 'Tis a thousand pities that the public mind should be left
in this undecided state on the eve of an election."

"Then, sir, I will be the purchaser."

My companion looked at me with astonishment and doubt. He had
transacted too much business of this nature, however, not to feel
his way before he was either off or on.

"The price of the estate is three hundred and twenty-five thousand
pounds, sir, and the rental is only six!"

"Be it so. My name is Goldencalf: by accompanying me to town you
shall receive the money."

"Goldencalf! What, sir, the only son and heir of the late Thomas
Goldencalf of Cheapside?"

"The same. My father has not been dead a month."

"Pardon me, sir--convince me of your identity--we must be particular
in matters of this sort--and you shall have possession of the
property in season to secure your own election or that of any of
your friends. I will return Lord Pledge his small advances, and
another time he will know better than to fail of keeping his
promises. What is a borough good for if a nobleman's word is not
sacred? You will find the electors, in particular, every way worthy
of your favor. They are as frank, loyal, and straightforward a
constituency as any in England. No skulking behind the ballot for
them!--and in all respects they are fearless Englishmen who will do
what they say, and say whatever their landlord shall please to
require of them."

As I had sundry letters and other documents about me, nothing was
easier than to convince the attorney of my identity. He called for
pen and ink; drew out of his pocket the contract that had been
prepared for Lord Pledge; gave it to me to read; filled the blanks;
and affixing his name, called the waiters as witnesses, and
presented me the paper with a promptitude and respect that I found
really delightful. So much, thought I, for having given pledges to
society by the purchase of a borough. I drew on my bankers for three
hundred and twenty-five thousand pounds, and arose from table
virtually the owner of the estate of Householder and of the
political consciences of its tenantry.

A fact so important could not long be unknown; and in a few minutes
all eyes in the coffee-room were upon me. The landlord presented
himself and begged I would do him the honor to take possession of
his family parlor, there being no other at his disposal. I was
hardly installed before a servant in a handsome livery presented the
following note.

"DEAR MR. GOLDENCALF:

"I have this moment heard of your being in town, and am exceedingly
rejoiced to learn it. A long intimacy with your late excellent and
most loyal father justifies my claiming you for a friend, and I
waive all ceremony (official, of course, is meant, there being no
reason for any other between us), and beg to be admitted for half an
hour.

"Dear Mr. Goldencalf,"

"Yours very faithfully and sincerely,"

"PLEDGE."

"--GOLDENCALF, Esquire."

" Monday evening."

I begged that the noble visitor might not be made to wait a moment.
Lord Pledge met me like an old and intimate friend. He made a
hundred handsome inquiries after my dead ancestor; spoke feelingly
of his regret at not having been summoned to attend his death-bed;
and then very ingenuously and warmly congratulated me on my
succession to so large a property.

"I hear, too, you have bought this borough, my dear sir. I could not
make it convenient just at this particular moment to conclude my own
arrangement--but it is a good thing. Three hundred and twenty
thousand, I suppose, as was mentioned between me and the other
party?"

"Three hundred and twenty-five thousand, Lord Pledge."

I perceived by the countenance of the noble candidate that I had
paid the odd five thousand as a fine--a circumstance which accounted
for the promptitude of the attorney in the transaction, he most
probably pocketing the difference himself.

"You mean to sit, of course?"

"I do, my lord, as one of the members, at the next general election;
but at present I shall be most happy to aid your return."

"My dear Mr. Goldencalf--"

"Really, without presuming to compliment, Lord Pledge, the noble
sentiments I heard you express this morning were so very proper, so
exceedingly statesmanlike, so truly English, that I shall feel
infinitely more satisfaction in knowing that you fill the vacant
seat than if it were in my own possession."

"I honor your public spirit, Mr. Goldencalf, and only wish to God
there was more of it in the world. But you can count on our
friendship, sir. What you have just remarked is true, very true,
only too true, true to a hair-a-a-a--I mean, my dear Mr. Goldencalf,
most especially those sentiments of mine which-a-a-a-I say it,
before God, without vanity--but which, as you have so very ably
intimated, are so truly proper and English."

"I sincerely think so, Lord Pledge, or I should not have said it. I
am peculiarly situated myself. With an immense fortune, without
rank, name, or connections, nothing is easier than for one of my
years to be led astray; and it is my ardent desire to hit upon some
expedient that may connect me properly with society."

"Marry, my dear young friend--select a wife from among the fair and
virtuous of this happy isle--unluckily I can propose nothing in this
way myself--for both my own sisters are disposed of."

"I have made choice, already, I thank you a thousand times, my dear
Lord Pledge; although I scarcely dare execute my own wishes. There
are objections--if I were only the child, now, of a baronet's second
son, or--"

"Become a baronet yourself," once more interrupted my noble friend,
with an evident relief from suspense; for I verily believe he
thought I was about to ask for something better. "Your affair shall
be arranged by the end of the week--and if there is anything else I
can do for you, I beg you to name it without reserve."

"If I could hear a few more of those remarkable sentiments of yours,
concerning the stake we should all have in society, I think it would
relieve my mind."

My companion looked at me a moment with a very awkward sort of an
intensity, drew his hand across his brows, reflected, and then
obligingly complied.

"You attach too much importance, Mr. Goldencalf, to a few certainly
very just but very ill-arranged ideas. That a man without a proper
stake in society is little better than the beasts of the fields, I
hold to be so obvious that it is unnecessary to dwell on the point.
Reason as you will, forward or backward, you arrive at the same
result--he that hath nothing is usually treated by mankind little
better than a dog, and he that is little better than a dog usually
has nothing. Again. What distinguishes the savage from the civilized
man? Why, civilization to be sure. Now, what is civilization? The
arts of life. What feeds, nourishes, sustains the arts of life?
Money or property. By consequence, civilization is property, and
property is civilization. If the control of a country is in the
hands of those who possess the property, the government is a
civilized government; but, on the other hand, if it is in the hands
of those who have no property, the government is necessarily an
uncivilized government. It is quite impossible that any one should
become a safe statesman who does not possess a direct property
interest in society. You know there is not a tyro of our political
sect who does not fully admit the truth of this axiom."

"Mr. Pitt?"

"Why, Pitt was certainly an exception in one way; but then, you will
recollect, he was the immediate representative of the tories, who
own most of the property of England."

"Mr. Fox?"

"Fox represented the whigs, who own all the rest, you know. No, my
dear Goldencalf, reason as you will, we shall always arrive at the
same results. You will, of course, as you have just said, take one
of the seats yourself at the next general election?"

"I shall be too proud of being your colleague to hesitate."

This speech sealed our friendship; for it was a pledge to my noble
acquaintance of his future connection with the borough. He was much
too high-bred to express his thanks in vulgar phrases (though high-
breeding rarely exhibits all its finer qualities pending an
election), but--a man of the world, and one of a class whose main
business it is to put the suaviter in modo, as the French have it en
evidence,--the reader may be sure that when we parted that night I
was in perfect good humor with myself and, as a matter of course,
with my new acquaintance.

The next day the canvass was renewed, and we had another convincing
speech on the subject of the virtue of "a stake in society"; for
Lord Pledge was tactician enough to attack the citadel, once assured
of its weak point, rather than expend his efforts on the outworks of
the place. That night the attorney arrived from town with the title-
deeds all properly executed (they had been some time in preparation
for Lord Pledge), and the following morning early the tenants were
served with the usual notices, with a handsomely expressed sentiment
on my part in favor of "a stake in society." About noon Lord Pledge
walked over the course, as it is expressed at Newmarket and
Doncaster. After dinner we separated, my noble friend returning to
town, while I pursued my way to the rectory.

Anna never appeared more fresh, more serene, more elevated above
mortality, than when we met, a week after I had quitted Householder,
in the breakfast-parlor of her father's abode.

"You are beginning to look like yourself again, Jack," she said,
extending her hand with the simple cordiality of an Englishwoman;
"and I hope we shall find you more rational."

"Ah, Anna, if I could only presume to throw myself at your feet, and
tell you how much and what I feel, I should be the happiest fellow
in all England."

"As it is you are the most miserable!" the laughing girl answered
as, crimsoned to the temples, she drew away the hand I was foolishly
pressing against my heart. "Let us go to breakfast, Mr. Goldencalf--
my father has ridden across the country to visit Dr. Liturgy."

"Anna," I said, after seating myself and taking a cup of tea from
fingers that were rosy as the morn, "I fear you are the greatest
enemy that I have on earth."

"John Goldencalf!" exclaimed the startled girl, turning pale and
then flushing violently. "Pray explain yourself."

"I love you to my heart's core--could marry you, and then, I fear,
worship you, as man never before worshipped woman."

Anna laughed faintly.

"And you feel in danger of the sin of idolatry?" she at length
succeeded in saying.

"No, I am in danger of narrowing my sympathies--of losing a broad
and safe hold of life--of losing my proper stake in society--of--in
short, of becoming as useless to my fellows as my poor, poor father,
and of making an end as miserable. Oh! Anna, could you have
witnessed the hopelessness of that death-bed, you could never wish
me a fate like his!"

My pen is unequal to convey an adequate idea of the expression with
which Anna regarded me. Wonder, doubt, apprehension, affection, and
anguish were all beaming in her eyes; but the unnatural brightness
of these conflicting sentiments was tempered by a softness that
resembled the pearly lustre of an Italian sky.

"If I yield to my fondness, Anna, in what will my condition differ
from that of my miserable father's? He concentrated his feelings in
the love of money, and I--yes, I feel it here, I know it is here--I
should love you so intensely as to shut out every generous sentiment
in favor of others. I have a fearful responsibility on my shoulders-
-wealth, gold; gold beyond limits; and to save my very soul I must
extend not narrow my interest in my fellow-creatures. Were there a
hundred such Annas I might press you all to my heart--but, one!--no-
-no--'twould be misery--'twould be perdition! The very excess of
such a passion would render me a heartless miser, unworthy of the
confidence of my fellow-men!"

The radiant and yet serene eyes of Anna seemed to read my soul; and
when I had done speaking she arose, stole timidly to my side of the
table, as woman approaches when she feels most, placed her velvet-
like hand on my burning forehead, pressed its throbbing pulses
gently to her heart, burst into tears, and fled.

We dined alone, nor did we meet again until the dinner hour. The
manner of Anna was soothing, gentle, even affectionate; but she
carefully avoided the subject of the morning. As for myself, I was
constantly brooding over the danger of concentrating interests, and
of the excellence of the social-stake system. "Your spirits will be
better, Jack, in a day or two," said Anna, when we had taken wine
after the soup. "Country air and old friends will restore your
freshness and color."

"If there were a thousand Annas I could be happy as man was never
happy before! But I must not, dare not, lessen my hold on society."

"All of which proves my insufficiency to render you happy. But here
comes Francis with yesterday morning's paper--let us see what
society is about in London."

After a few moments of intense occupation with the journal, an
exclamation of pleasure and surprise escaped the sweet girl. On
raising my eyes I saw her gazing (as I fancied) fondly at myself.

"Read what you have that seems to give you so much pleasure."

She complied, reading with an eager and tremulous voice the
following paragraph:

"His majesty has been most graciously pleased to raise John
Goldencalf of Householder Hall, in the county of Dorset, and of
Cheapside, Esquire, to the dignity of a baronet of the united
kingdoms of Great Britain and Ireland."

"Sir John Goldencalf, I have the honor to drink to your health and
happiness!" cried the delighted girl, brightening like the dawn, and
wetting her pouting lip with liquor less ruby than itself. "Here,
Francis, fill a bumper and drink to the new baronet."

The gray-headed butler did as ordered with a very good grace, and
then hurried into the servants' hall to communicate the news.

"Here at least, Jack, is a new hold that society has on you,
whatever hold you may have on society."

I was pleased because she was pleased, and because it showed that
Lord Pledge had some sense of gratitude (although he afterward took
occasion to intimate that I owed the favor chiefly to HOPE), and I
believe my eyes never expressed more fondness.

"Lady Goldencalf would not have an awkward sound after all, dearest
Anna."

"As applied to one, Sir John, it might possibly do; but not as
applied to a hundred." Anna laughed, blushed, burst into tears once
more, and again fled.

What right have I to trifle with the feelings of this single-hearted
and excellent girl, said I to myself; it is evident that the subject
distresses her--she is unequal to its discussion, and it is unmanly
and improper in me to treat it in this manner. I must be true to my
character as a gentleman and a man--aye, and, under present
circumstances, as a baronet; and--I will never speak of it again as
long as I live.

The following day I took leave of Dr. Etherington and his daughter,
with the avowed intention of travelling for a year or two. The good
rector gave me much friendly advice, flattered me with expressions
of confidence in my discretion, and, squeezing me warmly by the
hand, begged me to recollect that I had always a home at the
rectory. When I had made my adieus to the father, I went, with a
sorrowful heart, in quest of the daughter. She was still in the
little breakfast-parlor--that parlor so loved! I found her pale,
timid, sensitive, bland, but serene. Little could ever disturb that
heavenly quality in the dear girl; if she laughed, it was with a
restrained and moderated joy; if she wept, it was like rain falling
from a sky that still shone with the lustre of the sun. It was only
when feeling and nature were unutterably big within her, that some
irresistible impulse of her sex betrayed her into emotions like
those I had twice witnessed so lately.

"You are about to leave us, Jack," she said, holding out her hand
kindly and without the affectation of an indifference she did not
feel; "you will see many strange faces, but you will see none who--"

I waited for the completion of the sentence, but, although she
struggled hard for self-possession, it was never finished.

"At my age, Anna, and with my means, it would be unbecoming to
remain at home, when, if I may so express it, 'human nature is
abroad.' I go to quicken my sympathies, to open my heart to my kind,
and to avoid the cruel regrets that tortured the death-bed of my
father."

"Well--well," interrupted the sobbing girl, "we will talk of it no
more. It is best that you should travel; and so adieu, with a
thousand--nay, millions of good wishes for your happiness and safe
return. You will come back to us, Jack, when tired of other scenes."

This was said with gentle earnestness and a sincerity so winning
that it came near upsetting all my philosophy; but I could not marry
the whole sex, and to bind down my affections in one would have been
giving the death-blow to the development of that sublime principle
on which I was bent, and which I had already decided was to make me
worthy of my fortune and the ornament of my species. Had I been
offered a kingdom, however, I could not speak. I took the
unresisting girl in my arms, folded her to my heart, pressed a
burning kiss on her cheek, and withdrew.

"You will come back to us, Jack?" she half whispered, as her hand
was reluctantly drawn through my own.

Oh! Anna, it was indeed painful to abandon thy frank and gentle
confidence, thy radiant beauty, thy serene affections, and all thy
womanly virtues, in order to practise my newly-discovered theory!
Long did thy presence haunt me--nay, never did it entirely desert
me--putting my constancy to a severe proof, and threatening at each
remove to contract the lengthening chain that still bound me to
thee, thy fireside, and thy altars! But I triumphed, and went abroad
upon the earth with a heart expanding towards all the creatures of
God, though thy image was still enshrined in its inmost core,
shining in womanly glory, pure, radiant, and without spot, like the
floating prism that forms the lustre of the diamond.




CHAPTER VI.

A THEORY OF PALPABLE SUBLIMITY--SOME PRACTICAL IDEAS, AND THE
COMMENCEMENT OF ADVENTURES.


The recollection of the intense feelings of that important period of
my life has, in some measure, disturbed the connection of the
narrative, and may possibly have left some little obscurity in the
mind of the reader on the subject of the new sources of happiness
that had broken on my own intelligence. A word here in the way of
elucidation, therefore, may not be misapplied, although it is my
purpose to refer more to my acts, and to the wonderful incidents it
will shortly be my duty to lay before the world, for a just
understanding of my views, than to mere verbal explanations.

Happiness--happiness, here and hereafter, was my goal. I aimed at a
life of useful and active benevolence, a deathbed of hope and joy,
and an eternity of fruition. With such an object before me, my
thoughts, from the moment that I witnessed the dying regrets of my
father, had been intensely brooding over the means of attainment.
Surprising as, no doubt, it will appear to vulgar minds, I obtained
the clew to this sublime mystery at the late election for the
borough of Householder, and from the lips of my Lord Pledge. Like
other important discoveries, it is very simple when understood,
being easily rendered intelligible to the dullest capacities, as,
indeed, in equity, ought to be the case with every principle that is
so intimately connected with the well-being of man.

It is a universally admitted truth that happiness is the only
legitimate object of all human associations. The ruled concede a
certain portion of their natural rights for the benefits of peace,
security, and order, with the understanding that they are to enjoy
the remainder as their own proper indefeasible estate. It is true
that there exist in different nations some material differences of
opinion on the subject of the quantities to be bestowed and
retained; but these aberrations from a just medium are no more than
so many caprices of the human judgment, and in no manner do they
affect the principle. I found also that all the wisest and best of
the species, or what is much the same thing, the most responsible,
uniformly maintain that he who has the largest stake in society is,
in the nature of things, the most qualified to administer its
affairs. By a stake in society is meant, agreeable to universal
convention, a multiplication of those interests which occupy us in
our daily concerns--or what is vulgarly called property. This
principle works by exciting us to do right through those heavy
investments of our own which would inevitably suffer were we to do
wrong. The proposition is now clear, nor can the premises readily be
mistaken. Happiness is the aim of society; and property, or a vested
interest in that society, is the best pledge of our
disinterestedness and justice, and the best qualification for its
proper control. It follows as a legitimate corollary that a
multiplication of those interests will increase the stake, and
render us more and more worthy of the trust by elevating us as near
as may be to the pure and ethereal condition of the angels. One of
those happy accidents which sometimes make men emperors and kings,
had made me, perhaps, the richest subject of Europe. With this polar
star of theory shining before my eyes, and with practical means so
ample, it would have been clearly my own fault had I not steered my
bark into the right haven. If he who had the heaviest investments
was the most likely to love his fellows, there could be no great
difficulty for one in my situation to take the lead in philanthropy.
It is true that with superficial observers the instance of my own
immediate ancestor might be supposed to form an exception, or rather
an objection, to the theory. So far from this being the case,
however, it proves the very reverse. My father in a great measure
had concentrated all his investments in the national debt! Now,
beyond all cavil, he loved the funds intensely; grew violent when
they were assailed; cried out for bayonets when the mass declaimed
against taxation; eulogized the gallows when there were menaces of
revolt, and in a hundred other ways prove that "where the treasure
is, there will the heart be also." The instance of my father,
therefore, like all exceptions, only went to prove the excellence of
the rule. He had merely fallen into the error of contraction, when
the only safe course was that of expansion. I resolved to expand; to
do that which probably no political economist had ever yet thought
of doing--in short, to carry out the principle of the social stake
in such a way as should cause me to love all things, and
consequently to become worthy of being intrusted with the care of
all things.

On reaching town my earliest visit was one of thanks to my Lord
Pledge. At first I had felt some doubts whether the baronetcy would
or would not aid the system of philanthropy; for by raising me above
a large portion of my kind, it was in so much at least a removal
from philanthropical sympathies; but by the time the patent was
received and the fees were paid, I found that it might fairly be
considered a pecuniary investment, and that it was consequently
brought within the rule I had prescribed for my own government.

The next thing was to employ suitable agents to aid in making the
purchases that were necessary to attach me to mankind. A month was
diligently occupied in this way. As ready money was not wanting, and
I was not very particular on the subject of prices, at the end of
that time I began to have certain incipient sentiments which went to
prove the triumphant success of the experiment. In other words I
owned much, and was beginning to take a lively interest in all I
owned.

I made purchases of estates in England, Scotland, Ireland, and
Wales. This division of real property was meant to equalize my
sentiments justly between the different portions of my native
country. Not satisfied with this, however, I extended the system to
the colonies. I had East India shares, a running ship, Canada land,
a plantation in Jamaica, sheep at the Cape and at New South Wales,
an indigo concern at Bengal, an establishment for the collection of
antiques in the Ionian Isles, and a connection with a shipping house
for the general supply of our various dependencies with beer, bacon,
cheese, broadcloths, and ironmongery. From the British empire my
interests were soon extended into other countries. On the Garonne
and Xeres I bought vineyards. In Germany I took some shares in
different salt and coal mines; the same in South America in the
precious metals; in Russia I dipped deeply into tallow; in
Switzerland I set up an extensive manufactory of watches, and bought
all the horses for a voiturier on a large scale. I had silkworms in
Lombardy, olives and hats in Tuscany, a bath in Lucca, and a
maccaroni establishment at Naples. To Sicily I sent funds for the
purchase of wheat, and at Rome I kept a connoisseur to conduct a
general agency in the supply of British articles, such as mustard,
porter, pickles, and corned beef, as well as for the forwarding of
pictures and statues to the lovers of the arts and of VIRTU.

By the time all this was effected I found my hands full of business.
Method, suitable agents, and a resolution to succeed smoothed the
way, however, and I began to look about me and to take breath. By
way of relaxation I now descended into details; and for a few days I
frequented the meetings of those who are called "the Saints," in
order to see if something might be done towards the attainment of my
object through their instrumentality. I cannot say that this
experiment met with all the success I had anticipated. I heard a
great deal of subtle discussion, found that manner was of more
account than matter, and had unreasonable and ceaseless appeals to
my pocket. So near a view of charity had a tendency to expose its
blemishes, as the brilliancy of the sun is known to exhibit defects
on the face of beauty, which escape the eye when seen through the
medium of that artificial light for which they are best adapted; and
I soon contented myself with sending my contributions at proper
intervals, keeping aloof in person. This experiment gave me occasion
to perceive that human virtues, like little candles, shine best in
the dark, and that their radiance is chiefly owing to the atmosphere
of a "naughty world." From speculating I returned to facts.

The question of slavery had agitated the benevolent for some years,
and finding a singular apathy in ray own bosom on this important
subject, I bought five hundred of each sex to stimulate my
sympathies. This led me nearer to the United States of America, a
country that I had endeavored to blot out of my recollection; for
while thus encouraging a love for the species, I had scarcely
thought it necessary to go so far from home. As no rule exists
without an exception, I confess I was a good deal disposed to
believe that a Yankee might very fairly be an omission in an
Englishman's philanthropy. But "in for a penny in for a pound." The
negroes led me to the banks of the Mississippi, where I was soon the
owner of both a sugar and a cotton plantation. In addition to these
purchases I took shares in divers South-Seamen, owned a coral and
pearl fishery of my own, and sent an agent with a proposition to
King Tamamamaah to create a monopoly of sandalwood in our joint
behalf.

The earth and all it contained assumed new glories in my eyes. I had
fulfilled the essential condition of the political economists, the
jurists, the constitution-mongers, and all the "talents and
decency," and had stakes in half the societies of the world. I was
fit to govern, I was fit to advise, to dictate to most of the people
of Christendom; for I had taken a direct interest in their welfares
by making them my own. Twenty times was I about to jump into a post-
chaise, and to gallop down to the rectory in order to lay my newborn
alliance with the species, and all its attendant felicity, at the
feet of Anna, but the terrible thought of monogamy, and of its
sympathy-withering consequences, as often stayed my course. I wrote
to her weekly, however, making her the participator of a portion of
my happiness, though I never had the satisfaction of receiving a
single line in reply.

Fairly emancipated from selfishness, and pledged to the species, I
now quitted England on a tour of philanthropical inspection. I shall
not weary the reader with an account of my journeys over the beaten
tracks of the continent, but transport him and myself at once to
Paris, in which city I arrived on the 17th of May, Anno Domini
1819. I had seen much, fancied myself improved, and, by constant
dwelling on my system, saw its excellences as plainly as Napoleon
saw the celebrated star which defied the duller vision of his uncle
the cardinal. At the same time, as usually happens with those who
direct all their energies to a given point, the opinions originally
formed of certain portions of my theory began to undergo mutations,
as nearer and more practical views pointed out inconsistencies and
exposed defects. As regards Anna in particular, the quiet, gentle,
unobtrusive, and yet distinct picture of womanly loveliness that was
rarely absent from my mind, had for the past twelvemonth haunted me
with a constancy of argument that might have unsettled the Newtonian
scheme of philosophy itself. I already more than questioned whether
the benefit to be derived from the support of one so affectionate
and true would not fully counterbalance the disadvantage of a
concentration of interest, so far as the sex was concerned. This
growing opinion was fast getting to be conviction, when I
encountered on the boulevards one day an old country neighbor of the
rector's, who gave me the best account of the family, adding, after
descanting on the beauty and excellence of Anna herself, that the
dear girl had quite lately actually refused a peer of the realm, who
enjoyed all the acknowledged advantages of youth, riches, birth,
rank, and a good name, and who had selected her from a deep
conviction of her worth, and of her ability to make any sensible man
happy. As to my own power over the heart of Anna I never entertained
a doubt. She had betrayed it in a thousand ways and on a hundred
occasions; nor had I been at all backward in letting her understand
how highly I valued her dear self, although I had never yet screwed
up my resolution so high as distinctly to propose for her hand. But
all my unsettled purposes became concentrated on hearing this
welcome intelligence; and, taking an abrupt leave of my old
acquaintance, I hurried home and wrote the following letter:

Dear--very dear, nay--dearest ANNA:

"I met your old neighbor--this morning on the boulevards, and during
an interview of an hour we did little else but talk of thee.
Although it has been my most ardent and most predominant wish to
open my heart to the whole species, yet, Anna, I fear I have loved
thee alone! Absence, so far from expanding, appears to contract my
affections, too many of which centre in thy sweet form and excellent
virtues. The remedy I proposed is insufficient, and I begin to think
that matrimony alone can leave me master of sufficient freedom of
thought and action to turn the attention I ought to the rest of the
human race. Thou hast been with me in idea in the four corners of
the earth, by sea and by land, in dangers and in safety, in all
seasons, regions, and situations, and there is no sufficient reason
why those who are ever present in the spirit should be materially
separated. Thou hast only to say a word, to whisper a hope, to
breathe a wish, and I will throw myself a repentant truant at thy
feet and implore thy pity. When united, however, we will not lose
ourselves in the sordid and narrow paths of selfishness, but come
forth again in company to acquire a new and still more powerful hold
on this beautiful creation, of which, by this act, I acknowledge
thee to be the most divine portion.

"Dearest, dearest Anna, thine and the species',

"Forever,

"JOHN GOLDENCALF.

"TO MISS ETHERINGTON."

If there was ever a happy fellow on earth it was myself when this
letter was written, sealed, and fairly despatched. The die was cast,
and I walked into the air a regenerated and an elastic being! Let
what might happen, I was sure of Anna. Her gentleness would calm my
irritability; her prudence temper my energies; her bland but
enduring affections soothe my soul. I felt at peace with all around
me, myself included, and I found a sweet assurance of the wisdom of
the step I had just taken in the expanding sentiment. If such were
my sensations now that every thought centred in Anna, what would
they not become when these personal transports were cooled by habit,
and nature was left to the action of the ordinary impulses! I began
to doubt of the infallibility of that part of my system which had
given me so much pain, and to incline to the new doctrine that by
concentration on particular parts we come most to love the whole. On
examination there was reason to question whether it was not on this
principle even that, as an especial landholder, I attained so great
an interest in my native island; for while I certainly did not own
the whole of Great Britain, I felt that I had a profound respect for
everything in it that was in any, even the most remote manner,
connected with my own particular possessions.

A week flew by in delightful anticipations. The happiness of this
short but heavenly period became so exciting, so exquisite, that I
was on the point of giving birth to an improvement on my theory (or
rather on the theory of the political economists and constitution-
mongers, for it is in fact theirs and not mine), when the answer of
Anna was received. If anticipation be a state of so much happiness--
happiness being the great pursuit of man--why not invent a purely
probationary condition of society?--why not change its elementary
features from positive to anticipating interests, which would give
more zest to life, and bestow felicity unimpaired by the dross of
realities? I had determined to carry out this principle in practice
by an experiment, and left the hotel to order an agent to advertise,
and to enter into a treaty or two, for some new investments (without
the smallest intention of bringing them to a conclusion), when the
porter delivered me the ardently expected letter. I never knew what
would be the effect of taking a stake in society by anticipation,
therefore; the contents of Anna's missive driving every subject that
was not immediately connected with the dear writer, and with sad
realities, completely out of my head. It is not improbable, however,
that the new theory would have proved to be faulty, for I have often
had occasion to remark that heirs (in remainder, for instance),
manifest an hostility to the estate, by carrying out the principle
of anticipation, rather than any of that prudent respect for social
consequences to which the legislator looks with so much anxiety.

The letter of Anna was in the following words:

"Good--nay, Dear JOHN:

"Thy letter was put into my hands yesterday. This is the fifth
answer I have commenced, and you will therefore see that I do not
write without reflection. I know thy excellent heart, John, better
than it is known to thyself. It has either led thee to the discovery
of a secret of the last importance to thy fellow-creatures, or it
has led thee cruelly astray. An experiment so noble and so
praiseworthy ought not to be abandoned on account of a few momentary
misgivings concerning the result. Do not stay thy eagle flight at
the instant thou art soaring so near the sun! Should we both judge
it for our mutual happiness, I can become thy wife at a future day.
We are still young, and there is no urgency for an immediate union.
In the mean time, I will endeavor to prepare myself to be the
companion of a philanthropist by practising on thy theory, and, by
expanding my own affections, render myself worthy to be the wife of
one who has so large a stake in society, and who loves so many and
so truly.

"Thine imitator and friend,

"Without change,

"ANNA ETHERINGTON.

"To Sir JOHN GOLDENCALF, Bart.

"P.S.--You may perceive that I am in a state of improvement, for I
have just refused the hand of Lord M'Dee, because I found I loved
all his neighbors quite as well as I loved the young peer himself."

Ten thousand furies took possession of my soul, in the shape of so
many demons of jealousy. Anna expanding her affections! Anna taking
any other stake in society than that I made sure she would accept
through me! Anna teaching herself to love more than one, and that
one myself! The thought was madness. I did not believe in the
sincerity of her refusal of Lord M'Dee. I ran for a copy of the
Peerage (for since my own elevation in life I regularly bought both
that work and the Baronetage), and turned to the page that contained
his name. He was a Scottish viscount who had just been created a
baron of the united kingdom, and his age was precisely that of my
own. Here was a rival to excite distrust. By a singular
contradiction in sentiments, the more I dreaded his power to injure
me, the more I undervalued his means. While I fancied Anna was
merely playing with me, and had in secret made up her mind to be a
peeress, I had no doubt that the subject of her choice was both ill-
favored and awkward, and had cheek-bones like a Tartar. While
reading of the great antiquity of his family (which reached
obscurity in the thirteenth century), I set it down as established
that the first of his unknown predecessors was a bare-legged thief,
and, at the very moment that I imagined Anna was smiling on him, and
retracting her coquettish denial, I could have sworn that he spoke
with an unintelligible border accent, and that he had red hair!

The torment of such pictures grew to be intolerable, and I rushed
into the open air for relief. How long or whither I wandered I know
not; but on the morning of the following day I found I was seated in
a guinguette near the base of Montmartre, eagerly devouring a roll
and refreshing myself with sour wine. When a little recovered from
the shock of discovering myself in a situation so novel (for having
no investment in guinguettes, I had not taken sufficient interest in
these popular establishments ever to enter one before), I had
leisure to look about and survey the company. Some fifty Frenchmen
of the laboring classes were drinking on every side, and talking
with a vehemence of gesticulation and a clamor that completely
annihilated thought. This then, thought I, is a scene of popular
happiness. These creatures are excellent fellows, enjoying
themselves on liquor that has not paid the city duty, and perhaps I
may seize upon some point that favors my system among spirits so
frank and clamorous. Doubtless if any one among them is in
possession of any important social secret it will not fail to escape
him here. From meditations of this philosophical character I was
suddenly aroused by a violent blow before me, accompanied with an
exclamation in very tolerable English of the word,

"King!"

On the centre of the board which did the office of a table, and
directly beneath my eyes, lay a clenched fist of fearful dimensions,
that in color and protuberances bore a good deal of resemblance to a
freshly unearthed Jerusalem artichoke. Its sinews seemed to be
cracking with tension, and the whole knob was so expressive of
intense pugnacity that my eyes involuntarily sought its owner's
face. I had unconsciously taken my seat directly opposite a man
whose stature was nearly double that of the compact, bustling
sputtering, and sturdy little fellows who were bawling on every side
of us, and whose skinny lips, instead of joining in the noise, were
so firmly compressed as to render the crevice of the mouth no more
strongly marked than a wrinkle in the brow of a man of sixty. His
complexion was naturally fair, but exposure had tanned the skin of
his face to the color of the crackle of a roasted pig; those parts
which a painter would be apt to term the "high lights" being
indicated by touches of red, nearly as bright as fourth-proof
brandy. His eyes were small, stern, fiery, and very gray; and just
at the instant they met my admiring look they resembled two stray
coals that by some means had got separated from the body of adjacent
heat in the face. He had a prominent, well-shaped nose, athwart
which the skin was stretched like leather in the process of being
rubbed down on the currier's bench, and his ropy black hair was
carefully smoothed over his temples and brows, in a way to show that
he was abroad on a holiday excursion.

When our eyes met, this singular-looking being gave me a nod of
friendly recognition, for no better reason that I could discover
than the fact that I did not appear to be a Frenchman. "Did mortal
man ever listen to such fools, captain?" he observed, as if certain
we must think alike on the subject.

"Really I did not attend to what was said; there certainly is much
noise."

"I don't pretend to understand a word of what they are saying
myself; but it SOUNDS like thorough nonsense."

"My ear is not yet sufficiently acute to distinguish sense from
nonsense by mere intonation and sound--but it would seem, sir, that
you speak English only."

"Therein you are mistaken; for, being a great traveller, I have been
compelled to look about me, and as a nat'ral consequence I speak a
little of all languages. I do not say that I use the foreign parts
of speech always fundamentally, but then I worry through an idee so
as to make it legible and of use, especially in the way of eating
and drinking. As to French, now, I can say 'don-nez-me some van,'
and 'don-nez-vous some pan,' as well as the best of them; but when
there are a dozen throats bawling at once, as is the case with these
here chaps, why one might as well go on the top of Ape's Hill and
hold a conversation with the people he will meet with there, as to
pretend to hold a rational or a discussional discourse. For my part,
where there is to be a conversation, I like every one to have his
turn, keeping up the talk, as it might be, watch and watch; but
among these Frenchmen it is pretty much as if their idees had been
caged, and the door being suddenly opened, they fly out in a flock,
just for the pleasure of saying they are at liberty."

I now perceived that my companion was a reflecting being, his
ratiocination being connected by regular links, and that he did not
boost his philosophy on the leaping-staff of impulse, like most of
those who were sputtering, and arguing, and wrangling, with untiring
lungs, in all corners of the guinguette. I frankly proposed,
therefore, that we should quit the place and walk into the road,
where our discourse would be less disturbed, and consequently more
satisfactory. The proposal was well received, and we left the
brawlers, walking by the outer boulevards towards my hotel in the
Rue de Rivoli, by the way of the Champs Elysees.




CHAPTER VII.

TOUCHING AN AMPHIBIOUS ANIMAL, A SPECIAL INTRODUCTION, AND ITS
CONSEQUENCES.


I soon took an interest in my new acquaintance. He was
communicative, shrewd, and peculiar; and though apt to express
himself quaintly, it was always with the pith of one who had seen a
great deal of at least one portion of his fellow-creatures. The
conversation, under such circumstances, did not flag; on the
contrary, it soon grew more interesting by the stranger's beginning
to touch on his private interests. He told me that he was a mariner
who had been cast ashore by one of the accidents of his calling,
and, by way of cutting in a word in his own favor, he gave me to
understand that he had seen a great deal, more especially of that
castle of his fellow-creatures who like himself live by frequenting
the mighty deep.

"I am very happy," I said, "to have met with a stranger who can give
me information touching an entire class of human beings with whom I
have as yet had but little communion. In order that we may improve
the occasion to the utmost, I propose that we introduce ourselves to
each other at once, and swear an eternal friendship, or, at least,
until we may find it convenient to dispense with the obligation."

"For my part, I am one who likes the friendship of a dog better than
his enmity," returned my companion, with a singleness of purpose
that left him no disposition to waste his breath in idle
compliments. "I accept the offer, therefore, with all my heart; and
this the more readily because you are the only one I have met for a
week who can ask me how I do without saying, 'Come on, cong portez-
vous.' Being used to meet with squalls, however, I shall accept your
offer under the last condition named."

I liked the stranger's caution. It denoted a proper care of
character, and furnished a proof of responsibility. The condition
was therefore accepted on my part as frankly as it had been urged on
his.

"And now, sir," I added, when we had shaken each other very
cordially by the hand, "may I presume to ask your name?"

"I am called Noah, and I don't care who knows it. I am not ashamed
of either of my names, whatever else I may be ashamed of."

"Noah--?"

"Poke, at your service." He pronounced the word slowly and very
distinctly, as if what he had just said of his self-confidence were
true. As I had afterward occasion to take his signature, I shall at
once give it in the proper form--"Capt. Noah Poke."

"Of what part of England are you a native, Mr. Poke?"

"I believe I may say of the new parts."

"I do not know that any portion of the island was so designated.
Will you have the good-nature to explain yourself?"

"I'm a native of Stunin'tun, in the State of Connecticut, in old New
England. My parents being dead, I was sent to sea a four-year-old,
and here I am, walking about the kingdom of France without a cent in
my pocket, a shipwrecked mariner. Hard as my lot is, to say the
truth, I'd about as leave starve as live by speaking their d--d
lingo."

"Shipwrecked--a mariner--starving--and a Yankee!"

"All that, and maybe more, too; though, by your leave, commodore,
we'll drop the last title. I'm proud enough to call myself a Yankee,
but my back is apt to get up when I hear an Englishman use the word.
We are yet friends, and it may be well enough to continue so until
some good comes of it to one or other of the parties."

"I ask your pardon, Mr. Poke, and will not offend again. Have you
circumnavigated the globe?"

Captain Poke snapped his fingers, in pure contempt of the simplicity
of the question.

"Has the moon ever sailed round the 'arth! Look here, a moment,
commodore"--he took from his pocket an apple, of which he had been
munching half a-dozen during the walk, and held it up to view--"draw
your lines which way you will on this sphere; crosswise or
lengthwise, up or down, zigzag or parpendic'lar, and you will not
find more traverses than I've worked about the old ball!"

"By land as well as by sea?"

"Why, as to the land, I've had my share of that, too; for it has
been my hard fortune to run upon it, when a softer bed would have
given a more quiet nap. This is just the present difficulty with me,
for I am now tacking about among these Frenchmen in order to get
afloat again, like an alligator floundering in the mud. I lost my
schooner on the northeast coast of Russia--somewhere hereabouts,"
pointing to the precise spot on the apple; "we were up there trading
in skins-and finding no means of reaching home by the road I'd come,
and smelling salt water down hereaway, I've been shaping my course
westward for the last eighteen months, steering as near as might be
directly athwart Europe and Asia; and here I am at last within two
days' run of Havre, which is, if I can get good Yankee planks
beneath me once more, within some eighteen or twenty days' run of
home."

"You allow me, then, to call the planks Yankee?"

"Call 'em what you please, commodore; though I should prefar to call
'em the 'Debby and Dolly of Stunin'tun,' to anything else, for that
was the name of the craft I lost. Well, the best of us are but
frail, and the longest-winded man is no dolphin to swim with his
head under water!"

"Pray, Mr. Poke, permit me to ask where you learned to speak the
English language with so much purity?"

"Stunin'tun--I never had a mouthful of schooling but what I got at
home. It's all homespun. I make no boast of scholarship; but as for
navigating, or for finding my way about the 'arth, I'll turn my back
on no man, unless it be to leave him behind. Now we have people with
us that think a great deal of their geometry and astronomies, but I
hold to no such slender threads. My way is, when there is occasion
to go anywhere, to settle it well in my mind as to the place, and
then to make as straight a wake as natur' will allow, taking little
account of charts, which are as apt to put you wrong as right; and
when they do get you into a scrape it's a smasher! Depend on
yourself and human natur', is my rule; though I admit there is some
accommodation in a compass, particularly in cold weather."

"Cold weather! I do not well comprehend the distinction."

"Why, I rather conclude that one's scent gets to be dullish in a
frost; but this may be no more than a conceit after all, for the two
times I've been wrecked were in summer, and both the accidents
happened by sheer dint of hard blowing, and in broad daylight, when
nothing human short of a change of wind could have saved us."

"And you prefer this peculiar sort of navigation?"

"To all others, especially in the sealing business, which is my raal
occupation. It's the very best way in the world to discover islands;
and everybody knows that we sealers are always on the lookout for
su'thin' of that sort."

"Will you suffer me to inquire, Captain Poke, how many times you
have doubled Cape Horn?"

My navigator threw a quick, jealous glance at me, as if he
distrusted the nature of the question.

"Why, that is neither here nor there; perhaps I don't double either
of the capes, perhaps I do. I get into the South Sea with my craft,
and it's of no great moment how it's done. A skin is worth just as
much in the market, though the furrier may not happen to have a
glossary of the road it has travelled."

"A glossary?"

"What matters a signification, commodore, when people understand
each other? This overland journey has put me to my wits, for you
will understand that I've had to travel among natives that cannot
speak a syllable of the homespun; so I brought the schooner's
dictionary with me as a sort of terrestrial almanac, and I fancied
that, as they spoke gibberish to me, the best way was to give it to
them back again as near as might be in their own coin, hoping I
might hit on su'thin' to their liking. By this means I've come to be
rather more voluble than formerly."

"The idea was happy."

"No doubt it was, as is just evinced. But having given you a pretty
clear insight into my natur' and occupation, it is time that I ask a
few questions of you. This is a business, you must know, at which we
do a good deal at Stunin'tun, and at which we are commonly thought
to be handy,"

"Put your questions, Captain Poke; I hope the answers will be
satisfactory."

"Your name?"

"John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, Sir John Goldencalf,
Baronet." '

"Sir John Goldencalf--by the favor of his majesty, a baronet! Is
baronet a calling? or what sort of a crittur or thing is it?"

"It is my rank in the kingdom to which I belong."

"I begin to understand what you mean. Among your nation mankind is
what we call stationed, like a ship's people that are called to go
about; you have a certain berth in that kingdom of yours, much as I
should have in a sealing schooner."

"Exactly so; and I presume you will allow that order, and propriety,
and safety result from this method among mariners?"

"No doubt--no doubt, we station anew, however, each v'yage,
according to experience; I'm not so sure that it would do to take
even the cook from father to son, or we might have a pretty mess of
it."

Here the sealer commenced a series of questions, which he put with a
vigor and perseverance that I fear left me without a single fact of
my life unrevealed, except those connected with the sacred sentiment
that bound me to Anna, and which were far too hallowed to escape me
even under the ordeal of a Stunin'tun inquisitor. In short, finding
that I was nearly helpless in such hands, I made a merit of
necessity, and yielded up my secrets as wood in a vice discharges
its moisture. It was scarcely possible that a mind like mine,
subjected to the action of such a pair of moral screws, should not
yield some hints touching its besetting propensities. The Captain
seized this clew, and he went at the theory like a bulldog at the
muzzle of an ox.

To oblige him, therefore, I entered at some length into an
explanation of my system. After the general remarks that were
necessary to give a stranger an insight into its leading principles,
I gave him to understand that I had long been looking for one like
him, for a purpose that shall now be explained to the reader. I had
entertained some negotiations with Tamahamaah, and had certain
investments in the pearl and whale fisheries, it is true; but on the
whole my relations with all that portion of mankind who inhabit the
islands of the Pacific, the northwest coast of America, and the
northeast coast of the old continent, were rather loose, and
generally in an unsettled and vague condition; and it appeared to me
that I had been singularly favored in having a man so well adapted
to their regeneration thrown as it were by Providence, and in a
manner so unusual, directly in my way. I now frankly proposed,
therefore, to fit out an expedition, that should be partly of trade
and partly of discovery, in order to expand my interests in this new
direction, and to place my new acquaintance at its head. Ten minutes
of earnest explanation on my part sufficed to put my companion in
possession of the leading features of the plan. When I had ended
this direct appeal to his love of enterprise, I was answered by the
favorite exclamation of--

"King!"

"I do not wonder, Captain Poke, that your admiration breaks out in
this manner; for I believe few men fairly enter into the beauty of
this benevolent system who are not struck equally with its grandeur
and its simplicity. May I count on your assistance?"

"This is a new idee, Sir Goldencalf--"

"Sir John Goldencalf, if you please, sir."

"A new idee, Sir John Goldencalf, and it needs circumspection.
Circumspection in a bargain is the certain way to steer clear of
misunderstandings. You wish a navigator to take your craft, let her
be what she will, into unknown seas, and I wish, naturally, to make
a straight course for Stunin'tun. You see the bargain is in apogee,
from the start."

"Money is no consideration with me, Captain Poke."

"Well, this is an idee that has brought many a more difficult
contract at once into perigee, Sir John Goldencalf. Money is always
a considerable consideration with me, and I may say, also, just now
it is rather more so than usual. But when a gentleman clears the way
as handsomely as you have now done, any bargain may be counted as a
good deal more than half made."

A few explicit explanations disposed of this part of the subject,
and Captain Poke accepted of my terms in the spirit of frankness
with which they were made. Perhaps his decision was quickened by an
offer of twenty Napoleons, which I did not neglect making on the
spot. Amicable and in some respects confidential relations were now
established between my new acquaintance and myself; and we pursued
our walk, discussing the details necessary to the execution of our
project. After an hour or two passed in this manner, I invited my
companion to go to my hotel, meaning that he should partake of my
board until we could both depart for England, where it was my
intention to purchase without delay a vessel for the contemplated
voyage, in which I also had decided to embark in person.

We were obliged to make our way through the throng that usually
frequents the lower part of the Champs Elysees during the season of
good weather and towards the close of the day. This task was nearly
over when my attention was particularly drawn to a group that was
just entering the place of general resort, apparently with the
design of adding to the scene of thoughtlessness and amusement. But
as I am now approaching the most material part of this extraordinary
work, it will be proper to reserve the opening for a new chapter.




CHAPTER VIII.

AN INTRODUCTION TO FOUR NEW CHARACTERS, SOME TOUCHES OF PHILOSOPHY,
AND A FEW CAPITAL THOUGHTS ON POLITICAL ECONOMY.


The group which drew my attention was composed of six individuals,
two of which were animals of the genus homo, or what is vulgarly
termed man; and the remainder were of the order primates, and of the
class mammalia; or what in common parlance are called monkeys.

 The first were Savoyards, and may be generally described as being
unwashed, ragged, and carnivorous; in color swarthy; in lineaments
and expression avaricious and shrewd; and in appetites voracious.
The latter were of the common species, of the usual size, and of
approved gravity. There were two of each sex; being very equally
paired as to years and external advantages.

The monkeys were all habited with more or less of the ordinary
attire of our modern European civilization; but peculiar care had
been taken with the toilet of the senior of the two males. This
individual had on the coat of a hussar, a cut that would have given
a particular part of his body a more military contour than comported
with his real character were it not for a red petticoat that was
made shorter than common; less, however, with a view to show a
pretty foot and ankle than to leave the nether limbs at liberty to
go through with certain extravagant efforts which the Savoyards were
unmercifully exacting from his natural agility. He wore a Spanish
hat, decorated with a few bedraggled feathers, a white cockade, and
a wooden sword. In addition to the latter, he carried in his hand a
small broom.

Observing that my attention was strongly attracted to this party,
the ill-favored Savoyards immediately commenced a series of
experiments in saltation, with the sole view, beyond a question, to
profit by my curiosity. The inoffensive victims of this act of
brutal tyranny submitted with a patience worthy of the profoundest
philosophy, meeting the wishes of their masters with a readiness and
dexterity that was beyond all praise. One swept the earth, another
leaped on the back of a dog, a third threw himself head-over-heels
again and again without a murmur, and the fourth moved gracefully to
and fro, like a young girl in a quadrille. All this might have
passed without calling for particular remark (since, alas! the
spectacle is only too common), were it not for certain eloquent
appeals that were made to me through the eyes by the individual in
the hussar jacket. His look was rarely averted from my face for a
moment, and in this way a silent communion was soon established
between us. I observed that his gravity was indomitable. Nothing
could elicit a smile or a change of countenance. Obedient to the
whip of his brutal master, he never refused the required leap; for
minutes at a time his legs and petticoat described confused circles
in the air, appearing to have taken a final leave of the earth; but,
the effort ended, he invariably descended to the ground with a quiet
dignity and composure that showed how little the inward monkey
partook of the antics of the outward animal. Drawing my companion a
little aside, I ventured to suggest a few thoughts to him on the
subject.

"Really, Captain Poke, it appears to me there is great injustice in
the treatment of these poor creatures!" I said. "What right have
these two foul-looking blackguards to seize upon beings much more
interesting to the eye and, I dare say, far more intellectual than
themselves, and cause them to throw their legs about in this
extravagant manner, under the penalty of stripes, and without regard
to their feelings or their convenience? I say, sir, the measure
appears to me intolerably oppressive, and it calls for prompt
redress."

"King!"

"King or subject, it does not alter the moral deformity of the act.
What have these innocent beings done that they should be subjected
to this disgrace? Are they not flesh and blood like ourselves--do
they not approach nearer to our form and, for aught we know to the
contrary, to our reason, than any other animal? and is it tolerable
that our nearest imitations, our very cousins, should be thus dealt
by? Are they dogs that they are treated like dogs?"

"Why, to my notion, Sir John, there isn't a dog on 'arth that can
take such a summerset. Their flapjacks are quite extraor'nary!"

"Yes, sir, and more than extraordinary; they are oppressive. Place
yourself, Mr. Poke, for a single instant, in the situation of one of
these persons; fancy that you had a hussar jacket squeezed upon your
brawny shoulders, a petticoat placed over your lower extremities, a
Spanish hat with bedraggled feathers set upon your head, a wooden
sword stuck at your side, and a broom put into your hand; and that
these two Savoyards were to menace you with stripes unless you
consented to throw summersets for the amusement of strangers--I only
ask you to make the case your own sir, and then say what course you
would take and what you would do?"

"I would lick both of these young blackguards, Sir John, without
remorse, break the sword and broom over their heads, kick their
sensibilities till they couldn't see, and take my course for
Stunin'tun, where I belong."

"Yes, sir, this might do with the Savoyards, who are young and
feeble--"

"'Twouldn't alter the case much if two of these Frenchmen were in
their places," put in the Captain, glaring wolfishly about him. "To
be plain with you, Sir John Goldencalf, being human, I'd submit to
no such monkey tricks."

"Do not use the term reproachfully, Mr. Poke, I entreat of you. We
call these animals monkeys, it is true; but we do not know what they
call themselves. Man is merely an animal, and you must very well
know--"

"Harkee, Sir John," interrupted the Captain, "I'm no botanist, and
do not pretend to more schooling than a sealer has need of for
finding his way about the 'arth; but as for a man's being an animal,
I just wish to ask you, now, if in your judgment a hog is also an
animal?"

"Beyond a doubt--and fleas, and toads, and sea-serpents, and
lizards, and water-devils--we are all neither more nor less than
animals."

"Well, if a hog is an animal, I am willing to allow the
relationship; for in the course of my experience, which is not
small, I have met with men that you might have mistaken for hogs, in
everything but the bristles, the snout, and the tail. I'll never
deny what I've seen with my own eyes, though I suffer for it; and
therefore I admit that, hogs being animals, it is more than likely
that some men must be animals too."

"We call these interesting beings monkeys; but how do we know that
they do not return the compliment, and call us, in their own
particular dialect, something quite as offensive? It would become
our species to manifest a more equitable and philosophical spirit,
and to consider these interesting strangers as an unfortunate family
which has fallen into the hands of brutes, and which is in every way
entitled to our commiseration and our active interference. Hitherto
I have never sufficiently stimulated my sympathies for the animal
world by any investment in quadrupeds; but it is my intention to
write to-morrow to my English agent to purchase a pack of hounds and
a suitable stud of horses; and by way of quickening so laudable a
resolution, I shall forthwith make propositions to the Savoyards for
the speedy emancipation of this family of amiable foreigners. The
slave-trade is an innocent pastime compared to the cruel oppression
that the gentleman in the Spanish hat, in particular, is compelled
to endure."

"King!"

"He may be a king, sure enough, in his own country, Captain Poke; a
fact that would add tenfold agony to his unmerited sufferings."

Hereupon I proceeded without more ado to open a negotiation with the
Savoyards. The judicious application of a few Napoleons soon brought
about a happy understanding between the contracting parties, when
the Savoyards transferred to my hands the strings which confined
their vassals, as the formal and usual acknowledgment of the right
of ownership. Committing the three others to the keeping of Mr.
Poke, I led the individual in the hussar jacket a little on one
side, and raising my hat to show that I was superior to the vulgar
feelings of feudal superiority, I addressed him briefly in the
following words:

"Although I have ostensibly bought the right which these Savoyards
professed to have in your person and services, I seize an early
occasion to inform you that virtually you are now free. As we are
among a people accustomed to see your race in subjection, however,
it may not be prudent to proclaim the nature of the present
transaction, lest there might be some further conspiracies against
your natural rights. We will retire to my hotel forthwith,
therefore, where your future happiness shall be the subject of our
more mature and of our united deliberations."

The respectable stranger in the hussar jacket heard me with
inimitable gravity and self-command until, in the warmth of feeling,
I raised an arm in earnest gesticulation, when, most probably
overcome by the emotions of delight that were naturally awakened in
his bosom by this sudden change in his fortune, he threw three
summersets, or flapjacks, as Captain Poke had quaintly designated
his evolutions, in such rapid succession as to render it for a
moment a matter of doubt whether nature had placed his head or his
heels uppermost.

Making a sign for Captain Poke to follow, I now took my way directly
to the Rue de Rivoli. We were attended by a constantly increasing
crowd until the gate of the hotel was fairly entered; and glad was I
to see my charge safely housed, for there were abundant indications
of another design upon their rights in the taunts and ridicule of
the living mass that rolled up as it were upon our heels. On
reaching my own apartments, a courier who had been waiting my
return, and who had just arrived express from England, put a packet
into my hands, stating that it came from my principal English agent.
Hasty orders were given to attend to the comfort and wants of
Captain Poke and the strangers (orders that were in no danger of
being neglected, since Sir John Goldencalf, with the reputed annual
revenue of three millions of francs, had unlimited credit with all
the inhabitants of the hotel); and I hurried into my cabinet and sat
down to the eager perusal of the different communications.

Alas! there was not a line from Anna! The obdurate girl still
trifled with my misery; and in revenge I entertained a momentary
resolution of adopting the notions of Mahmoud, in order to qualify
myself to set up a harem.

The letters were from a variety of correspondents, embracing many of
those who were entrusted with the care of my interests in very
opposite quarters of the world. Half an hour before I had been dying
to open more intimate relations with the interesting strangers; but
my thoughts instantly took a new direction, and I soon found that
the painful sentiments I had entertained touching their welfare and
happiness were quite lost in the newly awakened interests that lay
before me. It is in this simple manner, no doubt, that the system to
which I am a convert effects no small part of its own great
purposes. No sooner does any one interest grow painful by excess
than a new claim arises to divert the thoughts, a new demand is made
on the sensibilities; and by lowering our affections from the
intensity of selfishness to the more bland and equable feeling of
impartiality, forms that just and generous condition of the mind at
which the political economists aim when they dilate on the glories
and advantages of their favorite theory of the social stake.

In this happy frame of mind I fell to reading the letters with
avidity and with the godlike determination to reverence Providence
and to do justice. Fiat justitia ruat coelum!

The first epistle was from the agent of the principal West India
estate. He acquainted me with the fact that all hopes from the
expected crop were destroyed by a hurricane, and he begged that I
would furnish the means necessary to carry on the affairs of the
plantation until another season might repair the loss. Priding
myself on punctuality as a man of business, before I broke another
seal a letter was written to a banker in London requesting him to
supply the necessary credits, and to notify the agents in the West
Indies of the circumstance. As he was a member of parliament, I
seized the occasion also to press upon him the necessity of
government's introducing some early measure for the protection of
the sugar-growers, a most meritorious class of his fellow-subjects,
and one whose exposures and actual losses called loudly for relief
of this nature. As I closed the letter I could not help dwelling
with complacency on the zeal and promptitude with which I had acted-
-the certain proof of the usefulness of the theory of investments.

The second communication was from the manager of an East India
property, that very happily came with its offering to fill the
vacuum left by the failure of the crops just mentioned. Sugar was
likely to be a drug in the peninsula, and my correspondent stated
that the cost of transportation being so much greater than from the
other colonies, this advantage would be entirely lost unless
government did something to restore the East Indian to his natural
equality. I enclosed this letter in one to my Lord Say and Do, who
was in the ministry, asking him in the most laconic and pointed
terms whether it were possible for the empire to prosper when one
portion of it was left in possession of exclusive advantages, to the
prejudice of all the others? As this question was put with a truly
British spirit, I hope it had some tendency to open the eyes of his
majesty's ministers; for much was shortly after said, both in the
journals and in parliament, on the necessity of protecting our East
Indian fellow-subjects, and of doing natural justice by establishing
the national prosperity on the only firm basis, that of free trade.

The next letter was from the acting partner of a large manufacturing
house to which I had advanced quite half the capital, in order to
enter into a sympathetic communion with the cotton-spinners. The
writer complained heavily of the import duty on the raw material,
made some poignant allusions to the increasing competition on the
continent and in America, and pretty clearly intimated that the lord
of the manor of Householder ought to make himself felt by the
administration in a question of so much magnitude to the nation. On
this hint I spake. I sat down on the spot and wrote a long letter to
my friend Lord Pledge, in which I pointed out to him the danger that
threatened our political economy; that we were imitating the false
theories of the Americans (the countrymen of Captain Poke), that
trade was clearly never so prosperous as when it was the most
successful, that success depended on effort, and effort was the most
efficient when the least encumbered, and in short that as it was
self-evident a man would jump farther without being in foot-irons,
or strike harder without being hand-cuffed, so it was equally
apparent that a merchant would make a better bargain for himself
when he could have things all his own way than when his enterprise
and industry were shackled by the impertinent and selfish
interposition of the interests of others. In conclusion there was an
eloquent description of the demoralizing consequences of smuggling,
and a pungent attack on the tendencies of taxation in general. I
have written and said some good things in my time, as several of my
dependents have sworn to me in a way that even my natural modesty
cannot repudiate; but I shall be excused for the weakness if I now
add that I believe this letter to Lord Pledge contained some as
clever points as anything I remember in their way; the last
paragraph in particular being positively the neatest and the best
turned moral I ever produced.

Letter fourth was from the steward of the Householder estate. He
spoke of the difficulty of getting the rents; a difficulty that he
imputed altogether to the low price of corn. He said that it would
soon be necessary to relet certain farms; and he feared that the
unthinking cry against the corn-laws would affect the conditions. It
was incumbent on the landed interest to keep an eye on the popular
tendencies as respected this subject, for any material variation
from the present system would lower the rental of all the grain-
growing counties in England thirty per cent, at least at a blow. He
concluded with a very hard rap at the agrarians, a party that was
just coming a little into notice in Great Britain, and by a very
ingenious turn, in which he completely demonstrated that the
protection of the landlord and the support of the Protestant
religion were indissolubly connected. There was also a vigorous
appeal to the common sense of the subject on the danger to be
apprehended by the people from themselves; which he treated in a way
that, a little more expanded, would have made a delightful homily on
the rights of man.

I believe I meditated on the contents of this letter fully an hour.
Its writer, John Dobbs, was as worthy and upright a fellow as ever
breathed; and I could not but admire the surprising knowledge of men
which shone through every line he had indited. Something must be
done it was clear; and at length I determined to take the bull by
the horns and to address Mr. Huskisson at once, as the shortest way
of coming at the evil. He was the political sponsor for all the new
notions on the subject of our foreign mercantile policy; and by
laying before him in a strong point of view the fatal consequences
of carrying his system to extremes, I hoped something might yet be
done for the owners of real estate, the bones and sinews of the
land.

I shall just add in this place that Mr. Huskisson sent me a very
polite and a very statesman-like reply, in which he disclaimed any
intention of meddling improperly with British interests in any way;
that taxation was necessary to our system, and of course every
nation was the best judge of its own means and resources; but that
he merely aimed at the establishment of just and generous
principles, by which nations that had no occasion for British
measures should not unhandsomely resort to them; and that certain
external truths should stand, like so many well-constructed tubs,
each on its own bottom. I must say I was pleased with this attention
from a man generally reputed as clever as Mr. Huskisson, and from
that time I became a convert to most of his opinions.

The next communication that I opened was from the overseer of the
estate in Louisiana, who informed me that the general aspect of
things in that quarter of the world was favorable, but the smallpox
had found its way among the negroes, and the business of the
plantation would immediately require the services of fifteen able-
bodied men, with the usual sprinkling of women and children. He
added that the laws of America prohibited the further importation of
blacks from any country without the limits of the Union, but that
there was a very pretty and profitable internal trade in the
article, and that the supply might be obtained in sufficient season
either from the Carolinas, Virginia, or Maryland. He admitted,
however, that there was some choice between the different stocks of
these several States, and that some discretion might be necessary in
making the selection. The negro of the Carolinas was the most used
to the cotton-field, had less occasion for clothes, and it had been
proved by experiment could be fattened on red herrings; while, on
the other hand, the negro farther north had the highest instinct,
could sometimes reason, and that he had even been known to preach
when he had got as high up as Philadelphia. He much affected, also,
bacon and poultry. Perhaps it might be well to purchase samples of
lots from all the different stocks in market.

In reply I assented to the latter idea, suggesting the expediency of
getting one or two of the higher castes from the north; I had no
objection to preaching provided they preached work; but I cautioned
the overseer particularly against schismatics. Preaching, in the
abstract, could do no harm; all depending on doctrine.

This advice was given as the result of much earnest observation.
Those European states that had the most obstinately resisted the
introduction of letters, I had recently had occasion to remark were
changing their systems, and were about to act on the principle of
causing "fire to fight fire." They were fast having recourse to
school-books, using no other precaution than the simple expedient of
writing them themselves. By this ingenious invention poison was
converted into food, and truths of all classes were at once put
above the dangers of disputations and heresies.

Having disposed of the Louisianian, I very gladly turned to the
opening of the sixth seal. The letter was from the efficient trustee
of a company to whose funds I had largely contributed by way of
making an investment in charity. It had struck me, a short time
previously to quitting home, that interests positive as most of
those I had embarked in had a tendency to render the spirit worldly;
and I saw no other check to such an evil than by seeking for some
association with the saints, in order to set up a balance against
the dangerous propensity. A lucky occasion offered through the wants
of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-labor Society, whose
meritorious efforts were about to cease for the want of the great
charity-power--gold. A draft for five thousand pounds had obtained
me the honor of being advertised as a shareholder and a patron; and,
I know not why!--but it certainly caused me to inquire into the
results with far more interest than I had ever before felt in any
similar institution. Perhaps this benevolent anxiety arose from that
principle in our nature which induces us to look after whatever has
been our own as long as any part of it can be seen.

The principal trustee of the Philo-African-anti-compulsion-free-
labor Society now wrote to state that some of the speculations which
had gone pari passu with the charity had been successful, and that
the shareholders were, by the fundamental provisions of the
association, entitled to a dividend, but--how often that awkward
word stands between the cup and the lip!--BUT that he was of opinion
the establishment of a new factory near a point where the slavers
most resorted, and where gold-dust and palm-oil were also to be had
in the greatest quantities, and consequently at the lowest prices,
would equally benefit trade and philanthropy; that by a judicious
application of our means these two interests might be made to see-
saw very cleverly, as cause and effect, effect and cause; that the
black man would be spared an incalculable amount of misery, the
white man a grievous burden of sin, and the particular agents of so
manifest a good might quite reasonably calculate on making at the
very least forty per cent. per annum on their money besides having
all their souls saved in the bargain. Of course I assented to a
proposition so reasonable in itself, and which offered benefits so
plausible!

The next epistle was from the head of a great commercial house in
Spain in which I had taken some shares, and whose interests had been
temporarily deranged by the throes of the people in their efforts to
obtain redress for real or imaginary wrongs. My correspondent showed
a proper indignation on the occasion, and was not sparing in his
language whenever he was called to speak of popular tumults. "What
do the wretches wish?" he asked with much point--"Our lives as well
as our property? Ah! my dear sir, this bitter fact impresses us all
(by us he meant the mercantile interests) with the importance of
strong executives. Where should we have been but for the bayonets of
the king? or what would have become of our altars, our firesides,
and our persons, had it not pleased God to grant us a monarch
indomitable in will, brave in spirit, and quick in action?" I wrote
a proper answer of congratulation and turned to the next epistle,
which was the last of the communications.

The eighth letter was from the acting head of another commercial
house in New York, United States of America, or the country of
Captain Poke, where it would seem the president by a decided
exercise of his authority had drawn upon himself the execrations of
a large portion of the commercial interests of the country; since
the effect of the measure, right or wrong, as a legitimate
consequence or not, by hook or by crook, had been to render money
scarce. There is no man so keen in his philippics, so acute in
discovering and so prompt in analyzing facts, so animated in his
philosophy, and so eloquent in his complaints, as your debtor when
money unexpectedly gets to be scarce. Credit, comfort, bones,
sinews, marrow and all appear to depend on the result; and it is no
wonder that, under so lively impressions, men who have hitherto been
content to jog on in the regular and quiet habits of barter, should
suddenly start up into logicians, politicians, aye, or even into
magicians. Such had been the case with my present correspondent, who
seemed to know and to care as little in general of the polity of his
own country as if he had never been in it, but who now was ready to
split hairs with a metaphysician, and who could not have written
more complacently of the constitution if he had even read it. My
limits will not allow an insertion of the whole letter, but one or
two of its sentences shall be given. "Is it tolerable, my dear sir,"
he went on to say, "that the executive of ANY country, I will not
say merely of our own, should possess, or exercise, even admitting
that he does possess them, such unheard of powers? Our condition is
worse than that of the Mussulmans, who in losing their money usually
lose their heads, and are left in a happy insensibility to their
sufferings: but, alas! there is an end of the much boasted liberty
of America! The executive has swallowed up all the other branches of
the government, and the next thing will be to swallow up us. Our
altars, our firesides, and our persons will shortly be invaded; and
I much fear that my next letter will be received by you long after
all correspondence shall be prohibited, every means of communication
cut off, and we ourselves shall be precluded from writing, by being
chained like beasts of burden to the car of a bloody tyrant." Then
followed as pretty a string of epithets as I remember to have heard
from the mouth of the veriest shrew at Billingsgate.

I could not but admire the virtue of the "social-stake system,"
which kept men so sensibly alive to all their rights, let them live
where they would, or under what form of government, which was so
admirably suited to sustain truth and render us just. In reply I
sent back epithet for epithet, echoed all the groans of my
correspondent, and railed as became a man who was connected with a
losing concern.

This closed my correspondence for the present, and I arose wearied
with my labors, and yet greatly rejoicing in their fruits. It was
now late, but excitement prevented sleep; and before retiring for
the night I could not help looking in upon my guests. Captain Poke
had gone to a room in another part of the hotel, but the family of
amiable strangers were fast asleep in the antechamber. They had
supped heartily as I was assured, and were now indulging in a happy
but temporary oblivion--to use an improved expression--of all their
wrongs. Satisfied with this state of things, I now sought my own
pillow, or, according to a favorite phrase of Mr. Noah Poke, I also
"turned in."




CHAPTER IX.

THE COMMENCEMENT OF WONDERS, WHICH ARE THE MORE EXTRAORDINARY ON
ACCOUNT OF THEIR TRUTH.


I dare say my head had been on the pillow fully an hour before sleep
closed my eyes. During this time I had abundant occasion to
understand the activity of what are called the "busy thoughts." Mine
were feverish, glowing, and restless. They wandered over a wild
field; one that included Anna, with her beauty, her mild truth, her
womanly softness, and her womanly cruelty; Captain Poke and his
peculiar opinions; the amiable family of quadrupeds and their
wounded sensibilities; the excellences of the social-stake system;
and, in short, most of that which I had seen and heard during the
last four-and-twenty hours. When sleep did tardily arrive, it
overtook me at the very moment that I had inwardly vowed to forget
my heartless mistress, and to devote the remainder of my life to the
promulgation of the doctrine of the expansive-super-human-
generalized-affection-principle, to the utter exclusion of all
narrow and selfish views, and in which I resolved to associate
myself with Mr. Poke, as with one who had seen a great deal of this
earth and its inhabitants, without narrowing down his sympathies in
favor of any one place or person in particular, Stunin'tun and
himself very properly excepted.

It was broad daylight when I awoke on the following morning. My
spirits were calmed by rest, and my nerves had been soothed by the
balmy freshness of the atmosphere. It appeared that my valet had
entered and admitted the morning air, and then had withdrawn as
usual to await the signal of the bell before he presumed to
reappear. I lay many minutes in delicious repose, enjoying the
periodical return of life and reason, bringing with it the pleasures
of thought and its ten thousand agreeable associations. The
delightful reverie into which I was insensibly dropping was,
however, ere long arrested by low, murmuring, and, as I thought,
plaintive voices at no great distance from my own bed. Seating
myself erect, I listened intently and with a good deal of surprise;
for it was not easy to imagine whence sounds so unusual for that
place and hour could proceed. The discourse was earnest and even
animated; but it was carried on in so low a tone that it would have
been utterly inaudible but for the deep quiet of the hotel.
Occasionally a word reached my ear, and I was completely at fault in
endeavoring to ascertain even the language. That it was in neither
of the five great European tongues I was certain, for all these I
either spoke or read; and there were particular sounds and
inflections that induced me to think that it savored of the most
ancient of the two classics. It is true that the prosody of these
dialects, at the same time that it is a shibboleth of learning, is a
disputed point, the very sounds of the vowels even being a matter of
national convention; the Latin word dux, for instance, being ducks
in England, docks in Italy, and dukes in France: yet there is a 'je
ne sais quoi,' a delicacy in the auricular taste of a true scholar,
that will rarely lead him astray when his ears are greeted with
words that have been used by Demosthenes or Cicero. [Footnote: Or
Chichero, or Kickero, whichever may happen to suit the prejudices of
the reader.] In the present instance I distinctly heard the word my-
bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton, which I made sure was a verb in the dual
number and second person, of a Greek root, but of a signification
that I could not on the instant master, but which beyond a question
every scholar will recognize as having a strong analogy to a well-
known line in Homer. If I was puzzled with the syllables that
accidentally reached me, I was no less perplexed with the
intonations of the voices of the different speakers. While it was
easy to understand they were of the two sexes, they had no direct
affinity to the mumbling sibilations of the English, the vehement
monotony of the French, the gagging sonorousness of the Spaniards,
the noisy melody of the Italians, the ear-splitting octaves of the
Germans, or the undulating, head-over-heels enunciation of the
countrymen of my particular acquaintance Captain Noah Poke. Of all
the living languages of which I had any knowledge, the resemblance
was nearer to the Danish and Swedish than to any other; but I much
doubted at the time I first heard the syllables, and still question,
if there is exactly such a word as my-bom-y-nos-fos-kom-i-ton to be
found in even either of those tongues. I could no longer support the
suspense. The classical and learned doubts that beset me grew
intensely painful; and arising with the greatest caution, in order
not to alarm the speakers, I prepared to put an end to them all by
the simple and natural process of actual observation.

The voices came from the antechamber, the door of which was slightly
open. Throwing on a dressing-gown, and thrusting my feet into
slippers, I moved on tiptoe to the aperture, and placed my eye in
such a situation as enabled me to command a view of the persons of
those who were still earnestly talking in the adjoining room. All
surprise vanished the moment I found that the four monkeys were
grouped in a corner of the apartment, where they were carrying on a
very animated dialogue, the two oldest of the party (a male and a
female) being the principal speakers. It was not to be expected that
even a graduate of Oxford, although belonging to a sect so
proverbial for classical lore that many of them knew nothing else,
could at the first hearing decide upon the analogies and character
of a tongue that is so little cultivated even in that ancient sea of
learning. Although I had now certainly a direct clew to the root of
the dialect of the speakers, I found it quite impossible to get any
useful acquaintance with the general drift of what was passing among
them. As they were my guests, however, and might possibly be in want
of some of the conveniences that were necessary to their habits, or
might even be suffering under still graver embarrassments, I
conceived it to be a duty to waive the ordinary usages of society,
and at once offer whatever it was in my power to bestow, at the risk
of interrupting concerns that they might possibly wish to consider
private. Using the precaution, therefore, to make a little noise, as
the best means of announcing my approach, the door was gently
opened, and I presented myself to view. At first I was a little at a
loss in what manner to address the strangers; but believing that a
people who spoke a language so difficult of utterance and so rich as
that I had just heard, like those who use dialects derived from the
Slavonian root, were most probably the masters of all others; and
remembering, moreover, that French was a medium of thought among all
polite people, I determined to have recourse to that
tongue. "Messieurs et mesdames," I said, inclining my body in
salutation, "mille pardons four cette intrusion feu convenable"--but
as I am writing in English it may be well to translate the speeches
as I proceed; although I abandon with regret the advantage of going
through them literally, and in the appropriate dialect in which they
were originally spoken.

"Gentlemen and ladies," I said, inclining my body in salutation, "I
ask a thousand pardons for this inopportune intrusion on your
retirement; but overhearing a few of what I much fear are but too
well-grounded complaints, touching the false position in which you
are placed as the occupant of this apartment, and in that light your
host, I have ventured to approach, with no other desire than the
wish that you would make me the repository of all your griefs, in
order, if possible, that they may be repaired as soon as
circumstances shall in any manner allow."

The strangers were very naturally a little startled at my unexpected
appearance, and at the substance of what I had just said. I observed
that the two ladies were apparently in some slight degree even
distressed, the younger turning her head on one side in maiden
modesty, while the elder, a duenna sort of looking person, dropped
her eyes to the floor, but succeeded in better maintaining her self-
possession and gravity. The eldest of the two gentlemen approached
me with dignified composure, after a moment of hesitation, and
returning my salute by waving his tail with singular grace and
decorum, he answered as follows. I may as well state in this place
that he spoke the French about as well as an Englishman who has
lived long enough on the continent to fancy he can travel in the
provinces without being detected for a foreigner. Au reste, his
accent was slightly Russian, and his enunciation whistling and
harmonious. The females, especially in some of the lower keys of
their voices, made sounds not unlike the sighing tones of the Eolian
harp. It was really a pleasure to hear them; but I have often had
occasion to remark that, in every country but one, which I do not
care to name, the language when uttered by the softer sex takes new
charms, and is rendered more delightful to the ear.

"Sir," said the stranger, when he had done waving his tail, "I
should do great injustice to my feelings, and to the monikin
character in general, were I to neglect expressing some small
portion of the gratitude I feel on the present occasion. Destitute,
houseless, insulted wanderers and captives, fortune has at length
shed a ray of happiness on our miserable condition, and hope begins
to shine through the cloud of our distress, like a passing gleam of
the sun. From my very tail, sir, in my own name and in that of this
excellent and most prudent matron, and in those of these two noble
and youthful lovers, I thank you. Yes! honorable and humane being of
the genus homo, species Anglicus, we all return our most tail-felt
acknowledgments of your goodness!"

Here the whole party gracefully bent the ornaments in question over
their heads, touching their receding foreheads with the several
tips, and bowed. I would have given ten thousand pounds at that
moment to have had a good investment in tails, in order to emulate
their form of courtesy; but naked, shorn, and destitute as I was,
with a feeling of humility I was obliged to put my head a little on
one shoulder and give the ordinary English bob, in return for their
more elaborate politeness.

"If I were merely to say, sir," I continued, when the opening
salutations were thus properly exchanged, "that I am charmed at this
accidental interview, the word would prove very insufficient to
express my delight. Consider this hotel as your own; its domestics
as your domestics; its stores of condiments as your stores of
condiments, and its nominal tenant as your most humble servant and
friend. I have been greatly shocked at the indignities to which you
have hitherto been exposed, and now promise you liberty, kindness,
and all those attentions to which it is very apparent you are fully
entitled by your birth, breeding, and the delicacy of your
sentiments. I congratulate myself a thousand times for having been
so fortunate as to make your acquaintance. My greatest desire has
always been to stimulate the sympathies; but until to-day various
accidents have confined the cultivation of this heaven-born property
in a great measure to my own species; I now look forward, however,
to a delicious career of new-born interests in the whole of the
animal creation, I need scarcely say in that of quadrupeds of your
family in particular."

"Whether we belong to the class of quadrupeds or not, is a question
that has a good deal embarrassed our own savans" returned the
stranger. "There is an ambiguity in our physical action that renders
the point a little questionable; and therefore, I think, the higher
castes of our natural philosophers rather prefer classing the entire
monikin species, with all its varieties, as caudae-jactans, or tail-
wavers; adopting the term from the nobler part of the animal
formation. Is not this the better opinion at home, my Lord
Chatterino?" he asked, turning to the youth, who stood respectfully
at his side.

"Such, I believe, my dear Doctor, was the last classification
sanctioned by the academy," the young noble replied, with a
readiness that proved him to be both well-informed and intelligent,
and at the same time with a reserve of manner that did equal credit
to his modesty and breeding. "The question of whether we are or are
not bipeds has greatly agitated the schools for more than three
centuries."

"The use of this gentleman's name," I hastily rejoined, "my dear
sir, reminds me that we are but half acquainted with each other.
Permit me to waive ceremony, and to announce myself at once as Sir
John Goldencalf, Baronet, of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of
Great Britain, a poor admirer of excellence wherever it is to be
found, or under whatever form, and a devotee of the system of the
'social-stake.'"

"I am happy to be admitted to the honor of this formal introduction,
Sir John. In return I beg you will suffer me to say that this young
nobleman is, in our own dialect, No. 6, purple; or, to translate the
appellation, my Lord Chat-terino. This young lady is No. 4, violet,
or, my Lady Chatterissa. This excellent and prudent matron is No.
4,626,243, russet, or, Mistress Vigilance Lynx, to translate her
appellation also into the English tongue; and that I am No. 22,817,
brown-study color, or, Dr. Reasono, to give you a literal
signification of my name--a poor disciple of the philosophers of our
race, an LL.D., and a F.U.D.G.E., the travelling tutor of this heir
of one of the most illustrious and the most ancient houses of the
island of Leaphigh, in the monikin section of mortality."

"Every syllable, learned Dr. Reasono, that falls from your revered
lips only whets curiosity and adds fuel to the flame of desire,
tempting me to inquire further into your private history, your
future intentions, the polity of your species, and all those
interesting topics that will readily suggest themselves to one of
your quick apprehension and extensive acquirements. I dread being
thought indiscreet, and yet, putting yourself in my position, I
trust you will overlook a wish so natural and so ardent."

"Apology is unnecessary, Sir John, and nothing would afford me
greater satisfaction than to answer any and every inquiry you may be
disposed to make."

"Then, sir, to cut short all useless circumlocution, suffer me to
ask at once an explanation of the system of enumeration by which you
indicate individuals? You are called No. 22,817, brown-study color--
"

"Or Dr. Reasono. As you are an Englishman, you will perhaps
understand me better if I refer to a recent practice of the new
London police. You may have observed that the men wear letters in
red or white, and numbers on the capes of their coats. By the
letters the passenger can refer to the company of the officer, while
the number indicates the individual. Now, the idea of this
improvement came, I make no doubt, from our system, under which
society is divided into castes, for the sake of harmony and
subordination, and these castes are designated by colors and shades
of colors that are significant of their stations and pursuits--the
individual, as in the new police, being known by the number. Our own
language being exceedingly sententious, is capable of expressing the
most elaborate of these combinations in a very few sounds. I should
add that there is no difference in the manner of distinguishing the
sexes, with the exception that each is numbered apart, and each has
a counterpart color to that of the same caste in the other sex. Thus
purple and violet are both noble, the former being masculine and the
latter feminine, and russet being the counterpart of brown-study
color."

"And--excuse my natural ardor to know more--and do you bear these
numbers and colors marked on your attire in your own region?"

"As for attire, Sir John, the monikins are too highly improved,
mentally and physically, to need any. It is known that in all cases
extremes meet. The savage is nearer to nature than the merely
civilized being, and the creature that has passed the mystifications
of a middle state of improvement finds himself again approaching
nearer to the habits, the wishes, and the opinions of our common
mother. As the real gentleman is more simple in manners than the
distant imitator of his deportment; as fashions and habits are
always more exaggerated in provincial towns than in polished
capitals; or as the profound philosopher has less pretensions than
the tyro, so does our common genus, as it draws nearer to the
consummation of its destiny and its highest attainments, learn to
reject the most valued usages of the middle condition, and to return
with ardor towards nature as to a first love. It is on this
principle, sir, that the monikin family never wear clothes."

"I could not but perceive that the ladies have manifested some
embarrassment ever since I entered--is it possible that their
delicacy has taken the alarm at the state of my toilet?"

"At the toilet itself, Sir John, rather than at its state, if I must
speak plainly. The female mind, trained as it is with us from
infancy upwards in the habits and usages of nature, is shocked by
any departure from her rules. You will know how to make allowances
for the squeamishness of the sex, for I believe it is much alike in
this particular, let it come from what quarter of the earth it may."

"I can only excuse the seeming want of politeness by my ignorance,
Dr. Reasono. Before I ask another question the oversight shall be
repaired. I must retire into my own chamber for an instant,
gentlemen and ladies, and I beg you will find such sources of
amusement as first offer until I can return. There are nuts, I
believe, in this closet; sugar is usually kept on that table, and
perhaps the ladies might find some relaxation by exercising
themselves on the chairs. In a single moment I shall be with you
again."

Hereupon I withdrew into my bed-chamber, and began to lay aside the
dressing-gown as well as my shirt. Remembering, however, that I was
but too liable to colds in the head, I returned to ask Dr. Reasono
to step in where I was for an instant. On mentioning the difficulty,
this excellent person assumed the office of preparing his female
friends to overlook the slight innovation of my still wearing the
nightcap and slippers.

"The ladies would think nothing of it," the philosopher good-
humoredly remarked, by way of lessening my regrets at having wounded
their sensibilities, "were you even to appear in a military cloak
and Hessian boots, provided it was not thought that you were of
their acquaintance and in their immediate society. I think you must
have often remarked among the sex of your own species, who are
frequently quite indifferent to nudities (their prejudices running
counter to ours) that appear in the streets, but which would cause
them instantly to run out of the room when exhibited in the person
of an acquaintance; these conventional asides being tolerated
everywhere by a judicious concession of punctilios that might
otherwise become insupportable."

"The distinction is too reasonable to require another word of
explanation, dear sir. Now let us rejoin the ladies, since I am at
length in some degree fit to be seen."

I was rewarded for this bit of delicate attention by an approving
smile from the lovely Chatterissa, and good Mistress Lynx no longer
kept her eyes riveted on the floor, but bent them on me with looks
of admiration and gratitude.

"Now that this little contre-temps is no longer an obstacle," I
resumed, "permit me to continue those inquiries which you have
hitherto answered with so much amenity and so satisfactorily. As you
have no clothes, in what manner is the parallel between your usage
and that of the new London police practically completed?"

"Although we have no clothes, nature, whose laws are never violated
with impunity, but who is as beneficent as she is absolute, has
furnished us with a downy covering to supply their places wherever
clothes are needed for comfort. We have coats that defy fashions,
require no tailors, and never lose their naps. But it would be
inconvenient to be totally clad in this manner; and, therefore, the
palms of the hands are, as you see, ungloved; the portions of the
frame on which we seat ourselves are left uncovered, most probably
lest some inconvenience should arise from taking accidental and
unfavorable positions. This is the part of the monikin frame the
best adapted for receiving paint, and the numbers of which I have
spoken are periodically renewed there, at public offices appointed
for that purpose. Our characters are so minute as to escape the
human eye; but by using that opera-glass, I make no doubt that you
may still see some of my own enregistration, although, alas! unusual
friction, great misery, and, I may say, unmerited wrongs, have
nearly un-monikined me in this, as well as in various other
particulars."

As Dr. Reasono had the complaisance to turn round, and to use his
tail like the index of a black-board, by aid of the glass I very
distinctly traced the figures to which he alluded. Instead of being
in paint, however, as he had given me reason to anticipate, they
seemed to be branded, or burnt in, indelibly, as we commonly mark
horses, thieves, and negroes. On mentioning the fact to the
philosopher, it was explained with his usual facility and
politeness.

"You are quite right, sir," he said; "the omission of paint was to
prevent tautology, an offence against the simplicity of the monikin
dialect, as well as against monikin taste, that would have been
sufficient, under our opinions, even to overturn the government."

"Tautology!"

"Tautology, Sir John; on examining the background of the picture,
you will perceive that it is already of a dusky, sombre hue; now,
this being of a meditative and grave character, has been denominated
by our academy the 'brown-study color'; and it would clearly have
been supererogatory to lay the same tint upon it. No, sir; we avoid
repetitions even in our prayers, deeming them to be so many proofs
of an illogical and of an anti-consecutive mind."

"The system is admirable, and I see new beauties at each moment. You
enjoy the advantage, for instance, under this mode of enumeration,
of knowing your acquaintances from behind, quite as well as if you
met them face to face!"

"The suggestion is ingenious, showing an active and an observant
mind; but it does not quite reach the motive of the politico-
numerical-identity system of which we are speaking. The objects of
this arrangement are altogether of a higher and more useful nature;
nor do we usually recognize our friends by their countenances, which
at the best are no more than so many false signals, but by their
tails."

"This is admirable! What a facility you possess for recognizing an
acquaintance who may happen to be up a tree! But may I presume to
inquire, Dr. Reasono, what are the most approved of the advantages
of the politico-numerical-identity system? For impatience is
devouring my vitals."

"They are connected with the interests of government. You know, sir,
that society is established for the purposes of governments, and
governments, themselves, mainly to facilitate contributions and
taxations. Now, by the numerical system, we have every opportunity
of including the whole monikin race in the collections, as they are
periodically checked off by their numbers. The idea was a happy
thought of an eminent statistician of ours, who gained great credit
at court by the invention, and, in fact, who was admitted to the
academy in consequence of its ingenuity."

"Still it must be admitted, my dear Doctor," put in Lord Chatterino,
always with the modesty, and, perhaps I might add, with the
generosity of youth, "that there are some among us who deny that
society was made for governments, and who maintain that governments
were made for society; or, in other words, for monikins."

"Mere theorists, my good lord; and their opinions, even if true, are
never practised on. Practice is everything in political matters; and
theories are of no use, except as they confirm practice."

"Both theory and practice are perfect," I cried, "and I make no
doubt that the classification into colors, or castes, enables the
authorities to commence the imposts with the richest, or the
'purples.'"

"Sir, monikin prudence never lays the foundation-stone at the
summit; it seeks the base of the edifice; and as contributions are
the walls of society, we commence with the bottom. When you shall
know us better, Sir John Goldencalf, you will begin to comprehend
the beauty and benevolence of the entire monikin economy."

I now adverted to the frequent use of this word "monikin"; and,
admitting my ignorance, desired an explanation of the term, as well
as a more general insight into the origin, history, hopes, and
polity of the interesting strangers; if they can be so called who
were already so well known to me. Dr. Reasono admitted that the
request was natural and was entitled to respect; but he delicately
suggested the necessity of sustaining the animal function by
nutriment, intimating that the ladies had supped but in an
indifferent way the evening before, and acknowledging that,
philosopher as he was, he should go through the desired explanations
after improving the slight acquaintance he had already made with
certain condiments in one of the armoires, with far more zeal and
point, than could possibly be done in the present state of his
appetite. The suggestion was so very plausible that there was. no
resisting it; and, suppressing my curiosity as well as I could, the
bell was rung. I retired to my bed-chamber to resume so much of my
attire as was necessary to the semi-civilization of man, and then
the necessary orders were given to the domestics, who, by the way,
were suffered to remain under the influence of those ordinary and
vulgar prejudices that are pretty generally entertained by the
human, against the monikin family.

Previously to separating from my new friend Dr. Reasono, however, I
took him aside, and stated that I had an acquaintance in the hotel,
a person of singular philosophy, after the human fashion, and a
great traveller; and that I desired permission to let him into the
secret of our intended lecture on the monikin economy, and to bring
him with me as an auditor. To this request, No. 22,817, brown-study
color, or Dr. Reasono, gave a very cordial assent; hinting
delicately, at the same time, his expectation that this new auditor,
who, of course, was no other than Captain Noah Poke, would not deem
it disparaging to his manhood, to consult the sensibilities of the
ladies, by appearing in the garments of that only decent and
respectable tailor and draper, nature. To this suggestion I gave a
ready approval; when each went his way, after the usual salutations
of bowing and tail-waving, with a mutual promise of being punctual
to the appointment.




CHAPTER X.

A GREAT DEAL OF NEGOTIATION, IN WHICH HUMAN SHREWDNESS IS COMPLETELY
SHAMED, AND HUMAN INGENUITY IS SHOWN TO BE OF A VERY SECONDARY
QUALITY.


Mr. Poke listened to my account of all that had passed, with a very
sedate gravity. He informed me that he had witnessed so much
ingenuity among the seals, and had known so many brutes that seemed
to have the sagacity of men, and so many men who appeared to have
the stupidity of brutes, that he had no difficulty whatever in
believing every word I told him. He expressed his satisfaction, too,
at the prospect of hearing a lecture on natural philosophy and
political economy from the lips of a monkey; although he took
occasion to intimate that no desire to learn anything lay at the
bottom of his compliance; for, in his country, these matters were
pretty generally studied in the district schools, the very children
who ran about the streets of 'Stunin'tun' usually knowing more than
most of the old people in foreign parts. Still a monkey might have
some new ideas; and for his part, he was willing to hear what every
one had to say; for, if a man didn't put in a word for himself in
this world, he might be certain no one else would take the pains to
speak for him. But when I came to mention the details of the
programme of the forthcoming interview, and stated that it was
expected the audience would wear their own skins, out of respect to
the ladies, I greatly feared that my friend would have so far
excited himself as to go into fits. The rough old sealer swore some
terrible oaths, protesting "that he would not make a monkey of
himself, by appearing in this garb, for all the monikin
philosophers, or high-born females, that could be stowed in a ship's
hold; that he was very liable to take cold; that he once knew a man
who undertook to play beast in this manner, and the first thing the
poor devil knew, he had great claws and a tail sprouting out of him;
a circumstance that he had always attributed to a just judgment for
striving to make himself more than Providence had intended him for;
that, provided a man's ears were naked, he could hear just as well
as if his whole body was naked; that he did not complain of the
monkeys going in their skins, and that they ought, in reason, not to
meddle with his clothes; that he should be scratching himself the
whole time, and thinking what a miserable figure he cut; that he
would have no place to keep his tobacco; that he was apt to be deaf
when he was cold; that he would be d----d if he did any such thing;
that human natur' and monkey natur' were not the same, and it was
not to be expected that men and monkeys should follow exactly the
same fashions; that the meeting would have the appearance of a
boxing match, instead of a philosophical lecture; that he never
heard of such a thing at Stunin'tun; that he should feel sneaking at
seeing his own shins in the presence of ladies; that a ship always
made better weather under some canvas than under bare poles; that he
might possibly be brought to his shirt and pantaloons, but as for
giving up these, he would as soon think of cutting the sheet-anchor
off his bows, with the vessel driving on a lee-shore; that flesh and
blood were flesh and blood, and they liked their comfort; that he
should think the whole time he was about to go in a-swimming, and
should be looking about for a good place to dive"; together with a
great many more similar objections, that have escaped me in the
multitude of things of greater interest which have since occupied my
time. I have frequently had occasion to observe, that, when a man
has one good, solid reason for his decision, it is no easy matter to
shake it; but, that he who has a great many, usually finds them of
far less account in the struggle of opinions. Such proved to be the
fact with Captain Poke on the present occasion. I succeeded in
stripping him of his garments, one by one, until I got him reduced
to the shirt, where, like a stout ship that is easily brought to her
bearings by the breeze, he "stuck and hung" in a manner to manifest
it would require a heavy strain to bring him down any lower. A lucky
thought relieved us all from the dilemma. There were a couple of
good large bison-skins among my effects, and on suggesting to Dr.
Reasono the expediency of encasing Captain Poke in the folds of one
of them, the philosopher cheerfully assented, observing that any
object of a natural and simple formation was agreeable to the
monikin senses; their objections were merely to the deformities of
art, which they deemed to be so many offences against Providence. On
this explanation, I ventured to hint that, being still in the
infancy of the new civilization, it would be very agreeable to my
ancient habits, could I be permitted to use one of the skins, also,
while Mr. Poke occupied the other. Not the slightest objection was
raised to the proposal, and measures were immediately taken to
prepare us to appear in good company. Soon after I received from Dr.
Reasono a protocol of the conditions that were to regulate the
approaching interview. This document was written in Latin, out of
respect to the ancients, and as I afterwards understood, it was
drawn up by my Lord Chatterino, who had been educated for the
diplomatic career at home, previously to the accident which had
thrown him, alas! into human hands. I translate it freely, for the
benefit of the ladies, who usually prefer their own tongues to any
others.

Protocol of an interview that is to take place between Sir John
Goldencalf, Bart., of Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great
Britain, and No. 22,817, brown-study color, or Socrates Reasono,
F.U.D.G.E., Professor of Probabilities in the University of
Monikinia, and in the kingdom of Leaphigh:

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. That there shall be an interview.

ART. 2. That the said interview shall be a peaceable interview, and
not a belligerent interview.

ART. 3. That the said interview shall be logical, explanatory, and
discursory.

ART. 4. That during said interview, Dr. Reasono shall have the
privilege of speaking most, and Sir John Goldencalf the privilege of
hearing most.

ART. 5. That Sir John Goldencalf shall have the privilege of asking
questions, and Dr. Reasono the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. That a due regard shall be had to both human and monikin
prejudices and sensibilities.

ART. 7. That Dr. Reasono, and any monikins who may accompany him,
shall smooth their coats, and otherwise dispose of their natural
vestments, in a way that shall be as agreeable as possible to Sir
John Goldencalf and his friend.

ART. 8. That Sir John Goldencalf, and any man who may accompany him,
shall appear in bison-skins, wearing no other clothing, in order to
render themselves as agreeable as possible to Dr. Reasono and his
friends.

ART. 9. That the conditions of this protocol shall be respected.

ART. 10. That any doubtful significations in this protocol shall be
interpreted, as near as may be, in favor of both parties.

ART. 11. That no precedent shall be established to the prejudice of
either the human or the monikin dialect, by the adoption of the
Latin language on this occasion.

Delighted with this proof of attention on the part of my Lord
Chatterino, I immediately left a card for that young nobleman, and
then seriously set about preparing myself, with an increased
scrupulousness, for the fulfilment of the smallest condition of the
compact. Captain Poke was soon ready, and I must say that he looked
more like a quadruped on its hind legs, in his new attire, than a
human being. As for my own appearance, I trust it was such as became
my station and character.

At the appointed time all the parties were assembled, Lord
Chatterino appearing with a copy of the protocol in his hand. This
instrument was formally read, by the young peer, in a very
creditable manner, when a silence ensued, as if to invite comment. I
know not how it is, but I never yet heard the positive stipulations
of any bargain, that I did not feel a propensity to look out for
weak places in them. I had begun to see that the discussion might
lead to argument, argument to comparisons between the two species,
and something like an esprit de corps was stirring within me. It now
struck me that a question might be fairly raised as to the propriety
of Dr. Reasono's appearing with THREE backers, while I had but ONE.
The objection was therefore urged on my part, I hope, in a modest
and conciliatory manner. In reply, my Lord Chatterino observed, it
was true the protocol spoke in general terms of mutual supporters,
but if--

"Sir John Goldencalf would be at the trouble of referring to the
instrument itself, he would see that the backers of Dr. Reasono were
mentioned in the plural number, while that of Sir John himself was
alluded to only in the singular number."

"Perfectly true, my lord; but you will, however, permit me to remark
that two monikins would completely fulfil the conditions in favor of
Dr. Reasono, while he appears here with three; there certainly must
be some limits to this plurality, or the Doctor would have a right
to attend the interview accompanied by all the inhabitants of
Leaphigh."

"The objection is highly ingenious, and creditable in the last
degree to the diplomatic abilities of Sir John Goldencalf; but,
among monikins, two females are deemed equal to only one male, in
the eye of the law. Thus, in cases which require two witnesses, as
in conveyances of real estate, two male monikins are sufficient,
whereas it would be necessary to have four female signatures, in
order to give the instrument validity. In the legal sense,
therefore, I conceive that Dr. Reasono is attended by only two
monikins."

Captain Poke hereupon observed that this provision in the law of
Leaphigh was a good one; for he often had occasion to remark that
women, quite half the time, did not know what they were about; and
he thought, in general, that they require more ballast than men.

"This reply would completely cover the case, my lord," I answered,
"were the protocol purely a monikin document, and this assembly
purely a monikin assembly. But the facts are notoriously otherwise.
The document is drawn up in a common vehicle of thought among
scholars, and I gladly seize the opportunity to add, that I do not
remember to have seen a better specimen of modern latinity."

"It is undeniable, Sir John," returned Lord Chatterino, waving his
tail in acknowledgment of the compliment, "that the protocol itself
is in a language that has now become common property; but the mere
medium of thought, on such occasions, is of no great moment,
provided it is neutral as respects the contracting parties;
moreover, in this particular case, article 11 of the protocol
contains a stipulation that no legal consequences whatever are to
follow the use of the Latin language; a stipulation that leaves the
contracting parties in possession of their original rights. Now, as
the lecture is to be a monikin lecture, given by a monikin
philosopher, and on monikin grounds, I humbly urge that it is proper
the interview should generally be conducted on monikin principles."

"If by monikin grounds, is meant monikin ground (which I have a
right to assume, since the greater necessarily includes the less), I
beg leave to remind your lordship, that the parties are, at this
moment, in a neutral country, and that, if either of them can set up
a claim of territorial jurisdiction, or the rights of the flag,
these claims must be admitted to be human, since the locataire of
this apartment is a man, in control of the locus in quo, and pro hac
vice, the suzerain."

"Your ingenuity has greatly exceeded my construction, Sir John, and
I beg leave to amend my plea. All I mean is, that the leading
consideration in this interview, is a monikin interest--that we are
met to propound, explain, digest, animadvert on, and embellish a
monikin theme--that the accessory must be secondary to the
principal--that the lesser must merge, not in your sense, but in my
sense, in the greater--and, by consequence, that--"

"You will accord me your pardon, my dear lord, but I hold--"

"Nay, my good Sir John, I trust to your intelligence to be excused
if I say--"

"One word, my Lord Chatterino, I pray you, in order that--"

"A thousand, very cheerfully, Sir John, but--"

"My Lord Chatterino!"

"Sir John Goldencalf!"

Hereupon we both began talking at the same time, the noble young
monikin gradually narrowing down the direction of his observations
to the single person of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, who, I afterwards had
occasion to know, was an excellent listener; and I, in my turn,
after wandering from eye to eye, settled down into a sort of oration
that was especially addressed to the understanding of Captain Noah
Poke. My auditor contrived to get one ear entirely clear of the
bison's skin, and nodded approbation of what fell from me, with a
proper degree of human and clannish spirit. We might possibly have
harangued in this desultory manner, to the present time, had not the
amiable Chatterissa advanced, and, with the tact and delicacy which
distinguish her sex, by placing her pretty patte on the mouth of the
young nobleman, effectually checked his volubility. When a horse is
running away, he usually comes to a dead stop, after driving through
lanes, and gates, and turnpikes, the moment he finds himself master
of his own movements, in an open field. Thus, in my own case, no
sooner did I find myself in sole possession of the argument, than I
brought it to a close. Dr. Reasono improved the pause, to introduce
a proposition that, the experiment already made by myself and Lord
Chatterino being evidently a failure, he and Mr. Poke should retire
and make an effort to agree upon an entirely new programme of the
proceedings. This happy thought suddenly restored peace; and, while
the two negotiators were absent, I improved the opportunity to
become better acquainted with the lovely Chatterissa and her female
Mentor. Lord Chatterino, who possessed all the graces of diplomacy,
who could turn from a hot and angry discussion, on the instant, to
the most bland and winning courtesy, was foremost in promoting my
wishes, inducing his charming mistress to throw aside the reserve of
a short acquaintance, and to enter, at once, into a free and
friendly discourse.

Some time elapsed before the plenipotentiaries returned, for it
appears that, owing to a constitutional peculiarity, or, as he
subsequently explained it himself, a "Stunin'tun principle," Captain
Poke conceived he was bound, in a bargain, to dispute every
proposition which came from the other party. This difficulty would
probably have proved insuperable, had not Dr. Reasono luckily
bethought him of a frank and liberal proposal to leave every other
article, without reserve, to the sole dictation of his colleague,
reserving to himself the same privilege for all the rest. Noah,
after being well assured that the philosopher was no lawyer,
assented; and the affair, once begun in this spirit of concession,
was soon brought to a close. And here I would recommend this happy
expedient to all negotiators of knotty and embarrassing treaties,
since it enables each party to gain his point, and probably leaves
as few openings for subsequent disputes, as any other mode that has
yet been adopted. The new instrument ran as follows, it having been
written, in duplicate, in English and in Monikin. It will be seen
that the pertinacity of one of the negotiators gave it very much the
character of a capitulation.

PROTOCOL of an Interview, &c., &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an interview.

ART. 2. Agreed; provided all the parties can come and go at
pleasure.

ART. 3. The said interview shall be conducted, generally, on
philosophical and liberal principles.

ART. 4. Agreed; provided tobacco may be used at discretion.

ART. 5. That either party shall have the privilege of propounding
questions, and either party the privilege of answering them.

ART. 6. Agreed; provided no one need listen, or no one talk, unless
so disposed.

ART. 7. The attire of all present shall be conformable to the
abstract rules of propriety and decorum.

ART. 8. Agreed; provided the bison-skins may be reefed, from time to
time, according to the state of the weather.

ART. 9. The provisions of this protocol shall be rigidly respected.

ART. 10. Agreed; provided no advantage be taken by lawyers.

Lord Chatterino and myself pounced upon the respective documents
like two hawks, eagerly looking for flaws, or the means of
maintaining the opinions we had before advanced, and which we had
both shown so much cleverness in supporting.

"Why, my lord, there is no provision for the appearance of any
monikins at all at this interview!"

"The generality of the terms leaves it to be inferred that all may
come and go who may be so disposed."

"Your pardon, my lord; article 8 contains a direct allusion to
BISON-SKINS in the PLURAL, and under circumstances from which it
follows, by a just deduction, that it was contemplated that more
than ONE wearer of the said skins should be present at the said
interview."

"Perfectly just, Sir John; but you will suffer me to observe that by
article 1, it is conditioned that there shall be an interview; and
by article 3, it is furthermore agreed that the said interview shall
be conducted 'on philosophical and liberal principles'; now, it need
scarcely be urged, good Sir John, that it would be the extreme of
illiberality to deny to one party any privilege that was possessed
by the other."

"Perfectly just my lord, were this an affair of mere courtesy; but
legal constructions must be made on legal principles, or else, as
jurists and diplomatists, we are all afloat on the illimitable ocean
of conjecture."

"And yet article 10 expressly stipulates that 'no advantage shall be
taken by lawyers.' By considering articles 3 and 10 profoundly and
in conjunction, we learn that it was the intention of the
negotiators to spread the mantle of liberality, apart from all the
subtleties and devices of mere legal practitioners, over the whole
proceedings. Permit me, in corroboration of what is now urged, to
appeal to the voices of those who framed the very conditions about
which we are now arguing. Did YOU, sir," continued my Lord
Chatterino, turning to Captain Poke, with emphasis and dignity; "did
you, sir, when you drew up this celebrated article 10--did you deem
that you were publishing authority of which the lawyers could take
advantage?"

A deep and very sonorous "No," was the energetic reply of Mr. Poke.

My Lord Chatterino, then turning, with equal grace, to the Doctor,
first diplomatically waving his tail three times, continued:

"And you, sir, in drawing up article 3, did you conceive that you
were supporting and promulgating illiberal principles?"

The question was met by a prompt negative, when the young noble
paused, and looked at me like one who had completely triumphed.

"Perfectly eloquent, completely convincing, irrefutably
argumentative, and unanswerably just, my lord," I put in; "but I
must be permitted to hint that the validity of all laws is derived
from the enactment; now the enactment, or, in the case of a treaty,
the virtue of the stipulation, is not derived from the intention of
the party who may happen to draw up a law or a clause, but from the
assent of the legal deputies. In the present instance, there are two
negotiators, and I now ask permission to address a few questions to
them, reversing the order of your own interrogatories; and the
result may possibly furnish a clue to the quo animo, in a new
light." Addressing the philosopher, I continued--"Did YOU, sir, in
assenting to article 10, imagine that you were defeating justice,
countenancing oppression, and succoring might to the injury of
right?"

The answer was a solemn, and, I do not doubt, a very conscientious,
"No."

"And YOU, sir," turning to Captain Poke, "did you, in assenting to
article 3, in the least conceive that, by any possibility, the foes
of humanity could torture your approbation into the means of
determining that the bison-skin wearers were not to be upon a
perfect footing with the best monikins of the land?"

"Blast me, if I did!"

But, Sir John Goldencalf, the Socratic method of reasoning--"

"Was first resorted to by yourself, my lord--"

"Nay, good Sir--"

"Permit me, my dear lord--"

"Sir John--"

"My lord--"

Hereupon the gentle Chatterissa again advanced, and by another
timely interposition of her graceful tact, she succeeded in
preventing the reply. The parallel of the runaway horse was acted
over, and I came to another stand-still. Lord Chatterino now
gallantly proposed that the whole affair should be referred, with
full powers, to the ladies. I could not refuse; and the
plenipotentiaries retired, under a growling accompaniment of Captain
Poke, who pretty plainly declared that women caused more quarrels
than all the rest of the world, and, from the little he had seen, he
expected it would turn out the same with monikinas.

The female sex certainly possess a facility of composition that is
denied our portion of the creation. In an incredibly short time, the
referees returned with the following programme:

PROTOCOL of an Interview between, &c., &c.

The contracting parties agree as follows, viz.:

ARTICLE 1. There shall be an amicable, logical, philosophical,
ethical, liberal, general, and controversial interview.

ART. 2. The interview shall be amicable.

ART. 3. The interview shall be general.

ART. 4. The interview shall be logical.

ART. 5. The interview shall be ethical.

ART. 6. The interview shall be philosophical.

ART. 7. The interview shall be liberal.

ART. 8. The interview shall be controversial.

ART. 9. The interview shall be controversial, liberal,
philosophical, ethical, logical, general, and amicable.

ART. 10. The interview shall be as particularly agreed upon.

The cat does not leap upon the mouse with more avidity than Lord
Chatterino and myself pounced upon the third protocol, seeking new
grounds for the argument that each was resolved on.

"Auguste! cher Auguste!" exclaimed the lovely Chatterissa, in the
prettiest Parisian accent I thought I had ever heard--"Pour moi!"

"A moi! monseignear!" I put in, flourishing my copy of the protocol-
-I was checked n the midst of this controversial ardor by a tug at
the bison-skin; when, casting a look behind me, I saw Captain Poke
winking and making other signs that he wished to say a word in a
corner.

"I think, Sir John," observed the worthy sealer, "if we ever mean to
let this bargain come to a catastrophe, it might as well be done
now. The females have been cunning, but the deuce is in it if we
cannot weather upon two women before the matter is well over. In
Stunin'tun, when it is thought best to accommodate proposals, why we
object and raise a breeze in the beginning, but towards the end we
kinder soften and mollify, or else trade would come to a stand. The
hardest gale must blow its pipe out. Trust to me to floor the best
argument the best monkey of them all can agitate!"

"This matter is getting serious, Noah, and I am filled with an
esprit de corps. Do you not begin yourself to feel human?"

"Kinder; but more bisonish than anything else. Let them go on, Sir
John; and, when the time comes, we will take them aback, or set me
down as a pettifogger."

The Captain winked knowingly; and I began to see that there was some
sense in his opinion. On rejoining our friends, or allies, I scarce
know which to call them, I found that the amiable Chatterissa had
equally calmed the diplomatic ardor of her lover, again, and we now
met on the best possible terms. The protocol was accepted by
acclamation; and preparations were instantly commenced for the
lecture of Dr. Reasono.




CHAPTER XI.

A PHILOSOPHY THAT IS BOTTOMED ON SOMETHING SUBSTANTIAL--SOME REASONS
PLAINLY PRESENTED, AND CAVILLING OBJECTIONS PUT TO FLIGHT BY A
CHARGE OF LOGICAL BAYONETS.


Dr. Reasono was quite as reasonable, in the personal embellishments
of his lyceum, as any public lecturer I remember to have seen, who
was required to execute his functions in the presence of ladies. If
I say that his coat had been brushed, his tail newly curled, and
that his air was a little more than usually "solemnized," as Captain
Poke described it in a decent whisper, I believe all will be said
that is either necessary or true. He placed himself behind a foot-
stool, which served as a table, smoothed its covering a little with
his paws, and at once proceeded to business. It may be well to add
that he lectured without notes, and, as the subject did not
immediately call for experiments, without any apparatus.

Waving his tail towards the different parts of the room in which his
audience were seated, the philosopher commenced.

"As the present occasion, my hearers," he said, "is one of those
accidental calls upon science, to which all belonging to the
academies are liable, and does not demand more than the heads of our
thesis to be explained, I shall not dig into the roots of the
subject, but limit myself to such general remarks as may serve to
furnish the outlines of our philosophy, natural, moral, and
political--"

"How, sir," I cried, "have you a political as well as a moral
philosophy?"

"Beyond a question; and a very useful philosophy it is. No interests
require more philosophy than those connected with politics. To
resume--our philosophy, natural, moral and political, reserving most
of the propositions, demonstrations, and corollaries, for greater
leisure, and a more advanced state of information in the class.
Prescribing to myself these salutary limits, therefore, I shall
begin only with nature.

"Nature is a term that we use to express the pervading and governing
principle of created things. It is known both as a generic and a
specific term, signifying in the former character the elements and
combinations of omnipotence, as applied to matter in general, and in
the latter its particular subdivisions, in connection with matter in
its infinite varieties. It is moreover subdivided into its physical
and moral attributes, which admit also of the two grand distinctions
just named. Thus, when we say nature, in the abstract, meaning
physically, we should be understood as alluding to those general,
uniform, absolute, consistent, and beautiful laws, which control and
render harmonious, as a great whole, the entire action, affinities,
and destinies of the universe; and when we say nature in the
speciality, we would be understood to speak of the nature of a rock,
of a tree, of air, fire, water, and land. Again, in alluding to a
moral nature in the abstract, we mean sin, and its weaknesses, its
attractions, its deformities-in a word, its totality; while, on the
other hand, when we use the term, in this sense, under the limits of
a speciality, we confine its signification to the particular shades
of natural qualities that mark the precise object named. Let us
illustrate our positions by a few brief examples.

"When we say 'Oh nature, how art thou glorious, sublime,
instructive!'--we mean that her laws emanate from a power of
infinite intelligence and perfection; and when we say 'Oh nature,
how art thou frail, vain and insufficient!' we mean that she is,
after all, but a secondary quality, inferior to that which brought
her into existence, for definite, limited, and, doubtless, useful
purposes. In these examples we treat the principle in the abstract.

"The examples of nature in the speciality will be more familiar,
and, although in no degree more true, will be better understood by
the generality of my auditors. Especial nature, in the physical
signification, is apparent to the senses, and is betrayed in the
outward forms of things, through their force, magnitude, substance,
and proportions, and, in its more mysterious properties, to
examination, by their laws, harmony, and action. Especial moral
nature is denoted in the different propensities, capacities, and
conduct of the different classes of all moral beings. In this latter
sense we have monikin nature, dog nature, horse nature, hog nature,
human nature--"

"Permit me, Dr. Reasono," I interrupted, "to inquire if, by this
classification, you intend to convey more than may be understood by
the accidental arrangement of your examples?"

"Purely the latter, I do assure you, Sir John."

"And do you admit the great distinctions of animal and vegetable
natures?"

"Our academies are divided on this point. One school contends that
all living nature is to be embraced in a great comprehensive genus,
while another admits of the distinctions you have named. I am of the
latter opinion, inclining to the belief that nature herself has
drawn the line between the two classes, by bestowing on one the
double gift of the moral and physical nature, and by withdrawing the
former from the other. The existence of the moral nature is denoted
by the presence of the will. The academy of Leaphigh has made an
elaborate classification of all the known animals, of which the
sponge is at the bottom of the list, and the monikin at the top!"

"Sponges are commonly uppermost," growled Noah.

"Sir," said I, with a disagreeable rising at the throat, "am I to
understand that your savans account man an animal in a middle state
between a sponge and a monkey?"

"Really, Sir John, this warmth is quite unsuited to philosophical
discussion--if you continue to indulge in it, I shall find myself
compelled to postpone the lecture."

At this rebuke I made a successful effort to restrain myself,
although my esprit de corps nearly choked me. Intimating, as well as
I could, a change of purpose, Dr. Reasono, who had stood suspended
over his table with an air of doubt, waved his tail, and proceeded:-
-

"Sponges, oysters, crabs, sturgeons, clams, toads, snakes, lizards,
skunks, opossums, ant-eaters, baboons, negroes, wood-chucks, lions,
Esquimaux, sloths, hogs, Hottentots, ourang-outangs, men and
monikins, are, beyond a question, all animals. The only disputed
point among us is, whether they are all of the same genus, forming
varieties or species, or whether they are to be divided into the
three great families of the improvables, the unimprovables, and the
retrogressives. They who maintain that we form but one great family,
reason by certain conspicuous analogies, that serve as so many links
to unite the great chain of the animal world. Taking man as a
centre, for instance, they show that this creature possesses, in
common with every other creature, some observable property. Thus,
man is, in one particular, like a sponge; in another, he is like an
oyster; a hog is like a man; the skunk has one peculiarity of a man;
the ourang-outang another; the sloth another--"

"King!"

"And so on, to the end of the chapter. This school of philosophers,
while it has been very ingeniously supported, is not, however, the
one most in favor just at this moment in the academy of Leaphigh--"

"Just at this moment, Doctor!"

"Certainly, sir. Do you not know that truths, physical as well as
moral, undergo their revolutions, the same as all created nature?
The academy has paid great attention to this subject; and it issues
annually an almanac, in which the different phases, the revolutions,
the periods, the eclipses, whether partial or total, the distances
from the centre of light, the apogee and perigee of all the more
prominent truths, are calculated with singular accuracy; and by the
aid of which the cautious are enabled to keep themselves, as near as
possible, within the bounds of reason. We deem this effort of the
monikin mind as the sublimest of all its inventions, and as
furnishing the strongest known evidence of its near approach to the
consummation of our earthly destiny. This is not the place to dwell
on that particular point of our philosophy, however; and, for the
present, we will postpone the subject."

"Yet you will permit me, Dr. Reasono, in virtue of clause 1, article
5, protocol No. 1 (which protocol, if not absolutely adopted, must
be supposed to contain the spirit of that which was), to inquire
whether the calculations of the revolutions of truth, do not lead to
dangerous moral extravagances, ruinous speculations in ideas, and
serve to unsettle society?"

The philosopher withdrew a moment with my Lord Chatterino, to
consult whether it would be prudent to admit of the validity of
protocol No. 1, even in this indirect manner; whereupon it was
decided between them, that, as such admission would lay open all the
vexatious questions that had just been so happily disposed of,
clause 1 of article 5 having a direct connection with clause 2;
clauses 1 and 2 forming the whole article; and the said article 5,
in its entirety, forming an integral portion of the whole
instrument; and the doctrine of constructions, enjoining that
instruments are to be construed like wills, by their general, and
not by their especial tendencies, it would be dangerous to the
objects of the interview to allow the application to be granted.
But, reserving a protest against the concession being interpreted
into a precedent, it might be well to concede that as an act of
courtesy, which was denied as a right. Hereupon, Dr. Reasono
informed me that these calculations of the revolutions of truth DID
lead to certain moral extravagances, and in many instances to
ruinous speculations in ideas; that the academy of Leaphigh. and, so
far as his information extended, the academy of every other country,
had found the subject of truth, more particularly moral truth, the
one of all others the most difficult to manage, the most likely to
be abused, and the most dangerous to promulgate. I was moreover
promised, at a future day, some illustrations of this branch of the
subject.

"To pursue the more regular thread of my lecture," continued Dr.
Reasono, when he had politely made this little digression, "we now
divide these portions of the created world into animated and
vegetable nature; the former is again divided into the improvable,
and the unimprovable, and the retrogressive. The improvable embraces
all those species which are marching, by slow, progressive, but
immutable mutations, towards the perfection of terrestrial life, or
to that last, elevated, and sublime condition of mortality, in which
the material makes its final struggle with the immaterial--mind with
matter. The improvable class of animals, agreeably to the monikin
dogmas, commences with those species in which matter has the most
unequivocal ascendency, and terminates with those in which mind is
as near perfection as this mortal coil will allow. We hold that mind
and matter, in that mysterious union which connects the spiritual
with the physical being, commence in the medium state, undergoing,
not, as some men have pretended, transmigrations of the soul only,
but such gradual and imperceptible changes of both soul and body, as
have peopled the world with so many wonderful beings--wonderful,
mentally and physically; and all of which (meaning all of the
improvable class) are no more than animals of the same great genus,
on the high road of tendencies, who are advancing towards the last
stage of improvement, previously to their final translation to
another planet, and a new existence.

"The retrogressive class is composed of those specimens which, owing
to their destiny, take a false direction; which, instead of tending
to the immaterial, tend to the material; which gradually become more
and more under the influence of matter, until, by a succession of
physical translations, the will is eventually lost, and they become
incorporated with the earth itself. Under this last transformation,
these purely materialized beings are chemically analyzed in the
great laboratory of nature, and their component parts are separated;
thus the bones become rocks, the flesh earth, the spirits air, the
blood water, the gristle clay and the ashes of the will are
converted into the element of fire. In this class we enumerate
whales, elephants, hippopotami, and divers other brutes, which
visibly exhibit accumulations of matter that must speedily triumph
over the less material portions of their natures."

"And yet, Doctor, there are facts that militate against the theory;
the elephant, for instance, is accounted one of the most intelligent
of all the quadrupeds."

"A mere false demonstration, sir. Nature delights in these little
equivocations; thus, we have false suns, false rainbows, false
prophets, false vision, and even false philosophy. There are entire
races of both our species, too, as the Congo and the Esquimaux, for
yours, and baboons and the common monkeys, that inhabit various
parts of the world possessed by the human species, for ours, which
are mere shadows of the forms and qualities that properly
distinguish the animal in its state of protection."

"How, sir! are you not, then, of the same family as all the other
monkeys that we see hopping and skipping about the streets?"

"No more, sir, than you are of the same family as the flat-nosed,
thick-lipped, low-browed, ink-skinned negro, or the squalid,
passionless, brutalized Esquimaux. I have said that nature delights
in vagaries; and all these are no more than some of her
mystifications. Of this class is the elephant, who, while verging
nearest to pure materialism, makes a deceptive parade of the quality
he is fast losing. Instances of this species of playing trumps, if I
may so express it, are common in all classes of beings. How often,
for instance, do men, just as they are about to fail, make a parade
of wealth, women seem obdurate an hour before they capitulate, and
diplomatists call Heaven to be a witness of their resolutions to the
contrary, the day before they sign and seal! In the case of the
elephant, however, there is a slight exception to the general rule,
which is founded on an extraordinary struggle between mind and
matter, the former making an effort that is unusual, and which may
be said to form an exception to the ordinary warfare between these
two principles, as it is commonly conducted in the retrogressive
class of animals. The most infallible sign of the triumph of mind
over matter, is in the development of the tail--"

"King!"

"Of the tail, Dr. Reasono?"

"By all means, sir--that seat of reason, the tail! Pray, Sir John,
what other portion of our frames did you imagine was indicative of
intellect?"

"Among men, Dr. Reasono, it is commonly thought the head is the more
honorable member, and, of late, we have made analytical maps of this
part of our physical formation, by which it is pretended to know the
breadth and length of a moral quality, no less than its boundaries."

"You have made the best use of your materials, such as they were,
and I dare say the map in question, all things considered, is a very
clever performance. But in the complication and abstruseness of this
very moral chart (one of which I perceive standing on your
mantelpiece), you may learn the confusion which still reigns over
the human intellect. Now, in regarding us, you can understand the
very converse of your dilemma. How much easier, for instance, is it
to take a yard-stick, and by a simple admeasurement of a tail, come
to a sound, obvious and incontrovertible conclusion as to the extent
of the intellect of the specimen, than by the complicated,
contradictory, self-balancing and questionable process to which you
are reduced! Were there only this fact, it would abundantly
establish the higher moral condition of the monikinrace, as it is
compared with that of man."

"Dr. Reasono, am I to understand that the monikin family seriously
entertain a position so extravagant as this; that a monkey is a
creature more intellectual and more highly civilized than man?"

"Seriously, good Sir John! Why you are the first respectable person
it has been my fortune to meet, who has even affected to doubt the
fact. It is well known that both belong to the improvable class of
animals, and that monkeys, as you are pleased to term us, were once
men, with all their passions, weaknesses, inconsistencies, mode of
philosophy, unsound ethics, frailties, incongruities and
subserviency to matter; that they passed into the monikin state by
degrees, and that large divisions of them are constantly evaporating
into the immaterial world, completely spiritualized and free from
the dross of flesh. I do not mean in what is called death--for that
is no more than an occasional deposit of matter to be resumed in a
new aspect, and with a nearer approach to the grand results (whether
of the improvable or of the retrogressive classes)--but those final
mutations which transfer us to another planet, to enjoy a higher
state of being, and leaving us always on the high road towards final
excellence."

"All this is very ingenious, sir; but before you can persuade me
into the belief that man is an animal inferior to a monkey, Dr.
Reasono, you will allow me to say that you must prove it."

"Ay, ay, or me, either," put in Captain Poke, waspishly.

"Were I to cite my proofs, gentlemen," continued the philosopher,
whose spirit appeared to be much less moved by our doubts than ours
were by his position--"I should in the first place refer you to
history. All the monikin writers are agreed in recording the gradual
translation of the species from the human family--"

"This may do very well, sir, for the latitude of Leaphigh, but
permit me to say that no human historian, from Moses down to Buffon,
has ever taken such a view of our respective races. There is not a
word in any of all these writers on the subject."

"How should there be, sir? History is not a prediction, but a record
of the past. Their silence is so much negative proof in our favor.
Does Tacitus, for instance, speak of the French revolution? Is not
Herodotus silent on the subject of the independence of the American
continent?--or do any of the Greek and Roman writers give us the
annals of Stunin'tun--a city whose foundations were most probably
laid some time after the commencement of the Christian era? It is
morally impossible that men or monikins can faithfully relate events
that have never happened; and as it has never yet happened to any
man, who is still a man, to be translated to the monikin state of
being, it follows, as a necessary consequence, that he can know
nothing about it. If you want historical proof, therefore, of what I
say, you must search the monikin annals for evidence. There it is to
be found with an infinity of curious details; and I trust the time
is not far distant, when I shall have great pleasure in pointing out
to you some of the most approved chapters of our best writers on
this subject. But we are not confined to the testimony of history,
in establishing our condition to be of the secondary formation. The
internal evidence is triumphant; we appeal to our simplicity, our
philosophy, the state of the arts among us, in short, to all those
concurrent proofs which are dependent on the highest possible state
of civilization. In addition to this, we have the infallible
testimony which is to be derived from the development of our tails.
Our system of caudology is, in itself, a triumphant proof of the
high improvement of the monikin reason."

"Do I comprehend you aright, Dr. Reasono, when I understand your
system of caudology, or tailology, to render it into the vernacular,
to dogmatize on the possibility that the seat of reason in man,
which to-day is certainly in his brains, can ever descend into a
tail?"

"If you deem development, improvement and simplification a descent,
beyond a question, sir. But your figure is a bad one, Sir John; for
ocular demonstration is before you, that a monikin can carry his
tail as high as a man can possibly carry his head. Our species, in
this sense, is morally nicked; and it costs us no effort to be on a
level with human kings. We hold, with you, that the brain is the
seat of reason, while the animal is in what we call the human
probation, but that it is a reason undeveloped, imperfect, and
confused; cased, as it were, in an envelope unsuited to its
functions; but that, as it gradually oozes out of this straitened
receptable towards the base of the animal, it acquires solidity,
lucidity, and, finally, by elongation and development, point. If you
examine the human brain, you will find it, though capable of being
stretched to a great length, compressed in a diminutive compass,
involved and snarled; whereas the same physical portion of the genus
gets simplicity, a beginning and an end, a directness and
consecutiveness that are necessary to logic, and, as has just been
mentioned, a point, in the monikin seat of reason, which, by all
analogy, go to prove the superiority of the animal possessing
advantages so great."

"Nay, sir, if you come to analogies, they will be found to prove
more than you may wish. In vegetation, for instance, saps ascend for
the purposes of fructification and usefulness; and, reasoning from
the analogies of the vegetable world, it is far more probable that
tails have ascended into brains than that brains have descended into
tails; and, consequently, that men are much more likely to be an
improvement on monkeys, than monkeys an improvement on men."

I spoke with warmth, I know; for the doctrine of Dr. Reasono was new
to me; and by this time, my esprit de corps had pretty effectually
blinded reflection.

"You gave him a red-hot shot that time, Sir John," whispered Captain
Poke at my elbow; "now, if you are so disposed, I will wring the
necks of all these little blackguards, and throw them out of the
window."

I immediately intimated that any display of brute force would
militate directly against our cause; as the object, just at that
moment, was to be as immaterial as possible.

"Well, well, manage it in your own way, Sir John, and I'm quite as
immaterial as you can wish; but should these cunning varments
ra'ally get the better of us in the argument, I shall never dare
look at Miss Poke, or show my face ag'in in Stunin'tun."

This little aside was secretly conducted, while Dr. Reasono was
drinking a glass of eau sucre; but he soon returned to the subject,
with the dignified gravity that never forsook him.

"Your remark touching saps has the usual savor of human ingenuity,
blended, however, with the proverbial short-sightedness of the
species. It is very true that saps ascend for fructification; but
what is this fructification, to which you allude? It is no more than
a false demonstration of the energies of the plant. For all the
purposes of growth, life, durability, and the final conversion of
the vegetable matter into an element, the root is the seat of power
and authority; and, in particular, the tap-root above or rather
below all others. This tap-root may be termed the tail of
vegetation. You may pluck fruits with impunity--nay, you may even
top all the branches, and the tree shall survive; but, put the axe
to the root, and the pride of the forest falls."

All this was too evidently true to be denied, and I felt worried and
badgered; for no man likes to be beaten in a discussion of this
sort, and more especially by a monkey. I bethought me of the
elephant, and determined to make one more thrust, by the aid of his
powerful tusks, before I gave up the point.

"I am inclined to think, Dr. Reasono," I put in as soon as possible,
"that your savans have not been very happy in illustrating their
theory by means of the elephant. This animal, besides being a mass
of flesh, is too well provided with intellect to be passed off for a
dunce; and he not only has ONE, but he might almost be said to be
provided with TWO tails."

"That has been his chief misfortune, sir. Matter, in the great
warfare between itself and mind, has gone on the principle of
'divide and conquer.' You are nearer the truth than you imagined,
for the trunk of the elephant is merely the abortion of a tail; and
yet, you see, it contains nearly all the intelligence that the
animal possesses. On the subject of the fate of the elephant,
however, theory is confirmed by actual experiment. Do not your
geologists and naturalists speak of the remains of animals, which
are no longer to be found among living things?"

"Certainly, sir; the mastodon--the megatherium, iguanodon; and the
plesiosaurus--"

"And do you not also find unequivocal evidences of animal matter
incorporated with rocks?"

"This fact must be admitted, too."

"These phenomena, as you call them, are no more than the final
deposits which nature has made in the cases of those creatures in
which matter has completely overcome its rival, mind. So soon as the
will is entirely extinct, the being ceases to live; or it is no
longer an animal. It falls and reverts altogether to the element of
matter. The processes of decomposition and incorporation are longer,
or shorter, according to circumstances; and these fossil remains of
which your writers say so much, are merely cases that have met with
accidental obstacles to their final decomposition. As respects our
two species, a very cursory examination of their qualities ought to
convince any candid mind of the truth of our philosophy. Thus, the
physical part of man is much greater in proportion to the spiritual,
than it is in the monikin; his habits are grosser and less
intellectual; he requires sauce and condiments in his food; he is
farther removed from simplicity, and, by necessary implication, from
high civilization; he eats flesh, a certain proof that the material
principle is still strong in the ascendant; he has no cauda---"

"On this point, Dr. Reasono, I would inquire if your scholars attach
any weight to traditions?"

"The greatest possible, sir. It is the monikin tradition that our
species is composed of men refined, of diminished matter and
augmented minds, with the seat of reason extricated from the
confinement and confusion of the caput, and extended, unravelled,
and rendered logical and consecutive, in the cauda."

Well, sir, WE too have our traditions; and an eminent writer, at no
great distance of time, has laid it down as incontrovertible, that
men once HAD caudae."

"A mere prophetic glance into the future, as coming events are known
to cast their shadows before."

"Sir, the philosopher in question establishes his position, by
pointing to the stumps."

"He has unluckily mistaken a foundation-stone for a ruin! Such
errors are not unfrequent with the ardent and ingenious. That men
WILL have tails, I make no doubt; but that they HAVE ever reached
this point of perfection, I do most solemnly deny. There are many
premonitory symptoms of their approaching this condition; the
current opinions of the day, the dress, habits, fashions, and
philosophy of the species, encourage the belief; but hitherto you
have never reached the enviable distinction. As to traditions, even
your own are all in favor of our theory. Thus, for instance, you
have a tradition that the earth was once peopled by giants. Now,
this is owing to the fact that men were formerly more under the
influence of matter, and less under that of mind than to day. You
admit that you diminish in size, and improve in moral attainments;
all of which goes to establish the truth of the monikin philosophy.
You begin to lay less stress on physical, and more on moral
excellences; and, in short, many things show that the time for the
final liberation and grand development of your brains, is not far
distant. This much I very gladly concede; for, while the dogmas of
our schools are not to be disregarded, I very cheerfully admit that
you are our fellow-creatures, though in a more infant and less
improved condition of society."

"King!"

Here Dr. Reasono announced the necessity of taking a short
intermission in order to refresh himself. I retired with Captain
Poke, to have a little communication with my fellow-mortal, under
the peculiar circumstances in which we were placed, and to ask his
opinion of what had been said. Noah swore bitterly at some of the
conclusions of the monikin philosopher, affirming that he should
like no better sport than to hear him lecture in the streets of
Stunin'tun, where, he assured me, such doctrine would not be
tolerated any longer than was necessary to sharpen a harpoon, or to
load a gun. Indeed, he did not know but the Doctor would be
incontinently kicked over into Rhode Island, without ceremony.

"For that matter," continued the indignant old sealer, "I should ask
no better sport than to have permission to put the big toe of my
right foot, under full sail, against the part of the blackguard
where his beloved tail is stepped. That would soon bring him to
reason. Why, as for his cauda, if you will believe me, Sir John, I
once saw a man, on the coast of Patagonia--a savage, to be sure, and
not a philosopher, as this fellow pretends to be--who had an
outrigger of this sort, as long as a ship's ringtail-boom. And what
was he, after all, but a poor devil who did not know a sea-lion from
a grampus!"

This assertion of Captain Poke relieved my mind considerably; and
laying aside the bison-skin, I asked him to have the goodness to
examine the localities, with some particularity, about the
termination of the dorsal bone, in order to ascertain if there were
any encouraging signs to be discovered. Captain Poke put on his
spectacles, for time had brought the worthy mariner to their use, as
he said, "whenever he had occasion to read fine print"; and, after
some time, I had the satisfaction to hear him declare, that if it
was a cauda I wanted, there was as good a place to step one, as
could be found about any monkey in the universe; "and you have only
to say the word, Sir John, and I will just step into the next room,
and by the help of my knife and a little judgment in choosing, I'll
fit you out with a jury-article, which, if there be any ra'al vartue
in this sort of thing, will qualify you at once to be a judge, or,
for that matter, a bishop."

We were now summoned again to the lecture-room, and I had barely
time to thank Captain Poke for his obliging offer, which
circumstances just then, however, forbade my accepting.




CHAPTER XII.

BETTER AND BETTER--A HIGHER FLIGHT OF REASON--MORE OBVIOUS TRUTHS,
DEEPER PHILOSOPHY, AND FACTS THAT EVEN AN OSTRICH MIGHT DIGEST.


"I gladly quit what I fear some present may have considered the
personal part of my lecture," resumed Dr. Reasono, "to turn to those
portions of the theme that should possess a common interest, awaken
common pride, and excite common felicitations. I now propose to say
a few words on that part of our natural philosophy which is
connected with the planetary system, the monikin location--and, as a
consequence from both, the creation of the world."

"Although dying with impatience to be enlightened on all these
interesting points, you will grant me leave to inquire en passant,
Dr. Reasono, if your savans receive the Mosaic account of the
creation or not."

"As far as it corroborates our own system, sir, and no farther.
There would be a manifest inconsistency in our giving an
antagonistic validity to any hostile theory, let it come from Moses
or Aaron; as one of your native good sense and subsequent
cultivation will readily perceive."

"Permit me to intimate, Dr. Reasono, that the distinction your
philosophers take in this matter, is directly opposed to a very
arbitrary canon in the law of evidence, which dictates the necessity
of repudiating the whole of a witness's testimony, when we repudiate
a part."

"That may be a human, but it is not a monikin distinction. So far
from admitting the soundness of the principle, we hold that no
monikin is ever wholly right, or that he will be wholly right, so
long as he remains in the least under the influence of matter; and
we therefore winnow the false from the true, rejecting the former as
worse than useless, while we take the latter as the nutriment of
facts."

"I now repeat my apologies for so often interrupting you, venerable
and learned sir; and I entreat you will not waste another moment in
replying to my interrogatories, but proceed at once to an
explanation of your planetary system, or of any other little thing
it may suit your convenience to mention. When one listens to a real
philosopher, one is certain to learn something that is either useful
or agreeable, let the subject be what it may."

"By the monikin philosophy, gentlemen," continued Dr. Reasono, "we
divide the great component parts of this earth into land and water.
These two principles we term the primary elements. Human philosophy
has added air and fire to the list; but these we reject either
entirely, or admit them only as secondary elements. That neither air
nor fire is a primary element, may be proved by experiment. Thus,
air can be formed, in the quality of gases, can be rendered pure or
foul; is dependent on evaporation, being no more than ordinary
matter in a state of high rarefaction. Fire has no independent
existence, requires fuel for its support, and is evidently a
property that is derived from the combinations of other principles.
Thus, by putting two or more billets of wood together, by rapid
friction you produce fire. Abstract the air suddenly, and your fire
becomes extinct; abstract the wood, and you have the same result.
From these two experiments it is shown that fire has no independent
existence, and therefore is not an element. On the other hand, take
a billet of wood and let it be completely saturated with water; the
wood acquires a new property (as also by the application of fire,
which converts it into ashes and air), for its specific gravity is
increased, it becomes less inflammable, emits vapor more readily,
and yields less readily to the blow of the axe. Place the same
billet under a powerful screw, and a vessel beneath. Compress the
billet, and by a sufficient application of force, you will have the
wood, perfectly dry, left beneath the screw, and the vessel will
contain water. Thus is it shown that land (all vegetable matter
being no more than fungi of the earth) is a. primary element, and
that water is also a primary element; while air and fire are not.

"Having established the elements, I shall, for brevity's sake,
suppose the world created. In the beginning, the orb was placed in
vacuum, stationary, and with its axis perpendicular to the plane of
what is now called its orbit. Its only revolution was the diurnal."

"And the changes of the seasons?"

"Had not yet taken place. The days and nights were equal; there were
no eclipses; the same stars were always visible. This state of the
earth is supposed, from certain geological proofs, to have continued
about a thousand years, during which time the struggle between mind
and matter was solely confined to quadrupeds. Man is thought to have
made his appearance, so far as our documents go to establish the
fact, about the year of the world one thousand and three. About this
period, too, it is supposed that fire was generated by the friction
of the earth's axis, while making the diurnal movement; or, as some
imagine, by the friction of the periphery of the orb, rubbing
against vacuum at the rate of so many miles in a minute. The fire
penetrating the crust, soon got access to the bodies of water that
fill the cavities of the earth. From this time is to be dated the
existence of a new and most important agent in the terrestrial
phenomena, called steam. Vegetation now began to appear, as the
earth received warmth from within--"

"Pray, sir, may I ask in what manner all the animals existed
previously?"

"By feeding on each other. The strong devoured the weak, until the
most diminutive of the animalcula were reached, when these turned on
their persecutors, and profiting by their insignificance, commenced
devouring the strongest. You find daily parallels to this phenomenon
in the history of man. He who by his energy and force has triumphed
over his equals, is frequently the prey of the insignificant and
vile. You doubtless know that the polar regions even in the original
attitude of the earth, owing to their receiving the rays of the sun
obliquely, must have possessed a less genial climate than the parts
of the orb that lie between the arctic and the antarctic circles.
This was a wise provision of Providence to prevent a premature
occupation of those chosen regions, or to cause them to be left
uninhabited, until mind had so far mastered matter, as to have
brought into existence the first monikin."

"May I venture to ask to what epoch you refer the appearance of the
first of your species?"

"To the monikin epocha, beyond a doubt, sir--but if you mean to ask
in what year of the world this event took place, I should answer,
about the year 4017. It is true that certain of our writers affect
to think that divers men were approaching to the sublimation of the
monikin mind, previously to this period; but the better opinion is,
that these cases were no more than what are termed premonitory.
Thus, Socrates, Plato, Confucius, Aristotle, Euclid, Zeno, Diogenes,
and Seneca, were merely so many admonishing types of the future
condition of man, indicating their near approach to the monikin, or
to the final translation."

"And Epicurus--"

"Was an exaggeration of the material principle, that denoted the
retrogression of a large portion of the race towards brutality and
matter. These phenomena are still of daily occurrence."

"Do you then hold the opinion, for instance, Dr. Reasono, that
Socrates is now a monikin philosopher, with his brain unravelled and
rendered logically consecutive, and that Epicurus is transformed
perchance into a hippopotamus or a rhinoceros, with tusks, horns,
and hide?"

"You quite mistake our dogmas, Sir John. We do not believe in
transmigration in the individual at all, but in the transmigration
of classes. Thus, we hold that whenever a given generation of men,
in a peculiar state of society, attain, in the aggregate, a certain
degree of moral improvement, or mentality, as we term it in the
schools, that there is an admixture of their qualities in masses,
some believe by scores, others think by hundreds, and others again
pretend by thousands; and if it is found, by the analysis that is
regularly instituted by nature, that the proportions are just, the
material is consigned to the monikin birth; if not, it is
repudiated, and either kneaded anew for another human experiment, or
consigned to the vast stores of dormant matter. Thus all
individuality, so far as it is connected with the past, is lost."

"But, sir, existing facts contradict one of the most important of
your propositions; while you admit that a want of a change in the
seasons would be a consequence of the perpendicularity of the
earth's axis to the plane of its present orbit, this change in the
seasons is a matter not to be denied. Flesh and blood testify
against you here, no less than reason."

"I spoke of things as they were, sir, previously to the birth of the
monikinia; since which time a great, salutary, harmonious, and
contemplated alteration has occurred. Nature had reserved the polar
region for the new species, with divers obvious and benevolent
purposes. They were rendered uninhabitable by the obliquity of the
sun's rays; and though matter, in the shape of mastodons and whales,
with an instinct of its antagonistic destination, had frequently
invaded their precincts, it was only to leave the remains of the
first embedded in fields of ice, memorials of the uselessness of
struggling against destiny, and to furnish proofs of the same great
truth in the instance of the others; who, if they did enter the
polar basins as masters of the great deep, either left their bones
there, or returned in the same characters as they went. From the
appearance of animal nature on the earth, down to the period when
the monikin race arose, the regions in question were not only
uninhabited, but virtually uninhabitable. When, however, nature,
always wary, wise, beneficent, and never to be thwarted, had
prepared the way, those phenomena were exhibited that cleared the
road for the new species. I have alluded to the internal struggle
between fire and water, and to their progeny, steam. This new agent
was now required to act. A moment's attention to the manner in which
the next great step in the progress of civilization was made, will
show with what foresight and calculation our common mother had
established her laws. The earth is flattened at the poles, as is
well imagined by some of the human philosophers, in consequence of
its diurnal movement commencing while the ball was still in a state
of fusion, which naturally threw off a portion of the unkneaded
matter towards the periphery. This was not done without the design
of accomplishing a desired end. The matter that was thus accumulated
at the equator, was necessarily abstracted from other parts; and in
this manner the crust of the globe became thinnest at the poles.
When a sufficiency of steam had been generated in the centre of the
ball, a safety-valve was evidently necessary to prevent a total
disruption. As there was no other machinist than nature, she worked
with her own tools, and agreeably to her own established laws. The
thinnest portions of the crust opportunely yielded to prevent a
catastrophe, when the superfluous and heated vapor escaped, in a
right line with the earth's axis, into vacuum. This phenomenon
occurred, as nearly as we have been able to ascertain, about the
year 700 before the Christian era commenced, or some two centuries
previously to the birth of the first monikins."

"And why so early, may I presume to inquire, Doctor?"

"Simply that there might be time for the new climate to melt the ice
that had accumulated about the islands and continents of that region
(for it was only at the southern extremity of the earth that the
explosion had taken place), in the course of so many centuries. Two
hundred and seventy years of the active and unremitted agency of
steam sufficed for this end; since the accomplishment of which, the
monikin race has been in the undisturbed enjoyment of the whole
territory, together with its blessed fruits."

"Am I to understand," asked Captain Poke, with more interest than he
had before manifested in the philosopher's lecture, "that your
folks, when at hum', live to the south'ard of the belt of ice that
we mariners always fall in with somewhere about the parallel of 77
degrees south latitude?"

"Precisely so--alas! that we should, this day, be so far from those
regions of peace, delight, intelligence, and salubrity! But the will
of Providence be done!--doubtless there is a wise motive for our
captivity and sufferings, which may yet lead to the further glory of
the monikin race!"

"Will you have the kindness to proceed with your explanations,
Doctor? If you deny the annual revolution of the earth, in what
manner do you account for the changes of the seasons, and other
astronomical phenomena, such as the eclipses which so frequently
occur?"

"You remind me that the subject is not yet exhausted," the
philosopher hurriedly rejoined, hastily and covertly dashing a tear
from his eye. "Prosperity produced some of its usual effects among
the founders of our species. For a few centuries, they went on
multiplying in numbers, elongating and rendering still more
consecutive their cauda, improving in knowledge and the arts, until
some spirits, more audacious than the rest, became restive under the
slow march of events, which led them towards perfection at a rate
ill-suited to their fiery impatience. At this time, the mechanic
arts were at the highest pitch of perfection amongst us--we have
since, in a great measure, abandoned them, as unsuited to, and
unnecessary for, an advanced state of civilization--we wore clothes,
constructed canals, and effected other works that were greatly
esteemed among the species from which we had emigrated. At this
time, also, the whole monikin family lived together as one people,
enjoyed the same laws, and pursued the same objects. But a political
sect arose in the region, under the direction of misguided and hot-
headed leaders, who brought down upon us the just judgment of
Providence, and a multitude of evils that it will require ages to
remedy. This sect soon had recourse to religious fanaticism and
philosophical sophisms, to attain its ends. It grew rapidly in power
and numbers; for we monikins, like men, as I have had occasion to
observe, are seekers of novelties. At last it proceeded to absolute
overt acts of treason against the laws of Providence itself. The
first violent demonstration of its madness and folly was, setting up
the doctrine that injustice had been done the monikin race, by
causing the safety-valve of the world to be opened within their
region. Although we were manifestly indebted to this very
circumstance for the benignity of our climate, the value of our
possessions, the general healthfulness of our families-nay, for our
separate existence itself, as an independent species, yet did these
excited and ill-judging wretches absolutely wage war upon the most
benevolent and the most unequivocal friend they had. Specious
promises led to theories, theories to declamations, declamation to
combination, combination to denunciation, and denunciation to open
hostilities. The matter in dispute was debated for two generations,
when the necessary degree of madness having been excited, the
leaders of the party, who by this time had worked themselves through
their hobby, into the general control of the monikin affairs, called
a meeting of all their partisans and passed certain resolutions,
which will never be blotted from the monikin memory, so fatal were
their consequences, so ruinous for a time their effects! They were
conceived in the following terms:--

"'At a full and overflowing meeting of the most monikinized of the
monikin race, holden at the house of Peleg Pat (we still used the
human appellations, at that epoch), in the year of the world 3,007,
and of the monikin era 317, Plausible Shout was called to the chair,
and Ready Quill was named secretary.'"

"'After several excellent and eloquent addresses from all present,
it was unanimously resolved as follows, viz.:'"

"'That steam is a curse, and not a blessing; and that it deserves to
be denounced by all patriotic and true monikins.'"

"'That we deem it the height of oppression and injustice in nature,
that she has placed the great safety-valve of the world within the
lawful limits of the monikin territories.'"

"'That the said safety-valve ought to be removed forthwith; and that
it shall be so removed, peaceably if it can, forcibly if it must.'"

"'That we cordially approve of the sentiments of John Jaw, our
present estimable chief magistrate, the incorruptible partisan, the
undaunted friend of his friends, the uncompromising enemy of steam,
and the sound, pure, orthodox, and true monikin.''

"'That we recommend the said Jaw to the confidence of all
monikins.'"

"'That we call upon the country to sustain us in our great, holy,
and glorious design, pledging ourselves, posterity, the bones of our
ancestors, and all who have gone before or who may come after us, to
the faithful execution of our intentions.

"'Signed,'"

"'PLAUSIBLE SHOUT, Chairman.'"

"'READY QUILL, Secretary.'"

"No sooner were these resolutions promulgated (for instead of being
passed at a full meeting, it is now understood they were drawn up
between Messrs. Shout and Quill, under the private dictation of Mr.
Jaw), than the public mind began seriously to meditate proceeding to
extremities. That perfection in the mechanic arts, which had
hitherto formed our pride and boast, now proved to be our greatest
enemy. It is thought that the leaders of this ill-directed party
meant, in truth, to confine themselves to certain electioneering
effects; but who can stay the torrent, or avert the current of
prejudice! The stream was setting against steam; the whole invention
of the species was put in motion; and in one year from the passage
of the resolutions I have recited, mountains were transported,
endless piles of rocks were thrown into the gulf, arches were
constructed, and the hole of the safety-valve was hermetically
sealed. You will form some idea of the waste of intelligence and
energy on this occasion, when I add that it was found, by actual
observation, that this artificial portion of the earth was thicker,
stronger, and more likely to be durable than the natural. So far did
infatuation lead the victims, that they actually caused the whole
region to be sounded, and, having ascertained the precise locality
of the thinnest portion of the crust, John Jaw, and all the most
zealous of his followers, removed to the spot, where they
established the seat of their government in triumph. All this time
nature rested upon her arms, in the quiet of conscious force. It was
not long, however, before our ancestors began to perceive the
consequences of their act, in the increase of the cold, in the
scarcity of fruits, and in the rapid augmentation of the ice. The
monikin enthusiasm is easily awakened in favor of any plausible
theory, but it invariably yields to physical pressure. No doubt the
human race, better furnished with the material of physical
resistance, does not exhibit so much of this weakness, but--"

"Do not flatter us with the exception, Doctor. I find so many points
of resemblance between us, that I really begin to think we must have
had the same origin; and if you would only admit that man is of the
secondary formation, and the monikins of the primary, I would accept
the whole of your philosophy without a moment's delay."

"As such an admission would be contrary to both fact and doctrine, I
trust, my dear sir, you will see the utter impossibility of a
Professor in the University of Leaphigh making the concession, even
in this remote part of the world. As I was about to observe, the
people began to betray uneasiness at the increasing and constant
inclemency of the weather; and Mr. John Jaw found it necessary to
stimulate their passions by a new development of his principles. His
friends and partisans were all assembled in the great square of the
new capital, and the following resolutions were, to use the language
of a handbill that is still preserved in the archives of the
Leaphigh Historical Society (for it would seem they were printed
before they were passed), 'unanimously, enthusiastically, and
finally adopted,' viz.:

"'Resolved, That this meeting has the utmost contempt for steam.'"

"'Resolved, That this meeting defies snow, and sterility, and all
other natural disadvantages.'"

"'Resolved, That we will live forever.'"

"'Resolved, That we will henceforward go naked, as the most
effectual means of setting the frost at defiance.'"

"'Resolved, That we are now over the thinnest part of the earth's
crust in the polar regions.'"

"'Resolved, That henceforth we will support no monikin for any
public trust, who will not give a pledge to put out all his fires,
and to dispense with cooking altogether.'"

"'Resolved, That we are animated by the true spirit of patriotism,
reason, good faith, and firmness.'"

"'Resolved, That this meeting now adjourn sine die.'"

"We are told that the last resolution was just carried by
acclamation, when nature arose in her might, and took ample
vengeance for all her wrongs. The great boiler of the earth burst
with a tremendous explosion, carrying away, as the thinnest part of
the workmanship, not only Mr. John Jaw, and all his partisans, but
forty thousand square miles of territory. The last that was seen of
them was about thirty seconds after the occurrence of the explosion,
when the whole mass disappeared near the northern horizon, going at
a rate a little surpassing that of a cannon ball which has just left
its gun."

"King!" exclaimed Noah; "that is what we sailors call 'to cut and
run.'"

"Was nothing ever heard of Mr. Jaw and his companions, my good
Doctor?"

"Nothing that could be depended on. Some of our naturalists assume
that the monkeys which frequent the other parts of the earth are
their descendants, who, stunned by the shock, have lost their
reasoning powers, while, at the same time, they show glimmerings of
their origin. This is, in truth, the better opinion of our savans;
and it is usual with us, to distinguish all the human species of
monkeys by the name of 'the lost monikins.' Since my captivity,
chance has thrown me in the way of several of these animals, who
were equally under the control of the cruel Savoyards; and in
conversing with them, in order to inquire into their traditions and
to trace the analogies of language, I have been led to think there
is some foundation for the opinion. Of this, however, hereafter."

"Pray, Dr. Reasono, what became of the forty thousand square miles
of territory?"

"Of that we have a better account; for one of our vessels, which was
far to the northward, on an exploring expedition, fell in with it in
longitude 2 degrees from Leaphigh, latitude 6 degrees S., and by her
means it was ascertained that divers islands had been already formed
by falling fragments; and, judging by the direction of the main body
when last seen, the fertility of that part of the world, and various
geological proofs, we hold that the great western archipelago is the
deposit of the remainder."

"And the monikin region, sir--what was the consequence of this
phenomenon to that part of the world?"

"Awful--sublime--various--and durable! The more important, or the
personal consequences, shall be mentioned first. Fully one-third of
the monikin species were scalded to death. A great many contracted
asthmas and other diseases of the lungs, by inhaling steam. Most of
the bridges were swept away by the sudden melting of the snows, and
large stores of provisions were spoiled by the unexpected appearance
and violent character of the thaw. These may be enumerated among the
unpleasant consequences. Among the pleasant, we esteem a final and
agreeable melioration of the climate, which regained most of its
ancient character, and a rapid and distinct elongation of our
caudtz, by a sudden acquisition of wisdom.

"The secondary, or the terrestrial consequences, were as follows:--
By the suddenness and force with which so much steam rushed into
space, finding its outlet several degrees from the pole, the earth
was canted from its perpendicular attitude, and remained fixed, with
its axis having an inclination of 23 degrees 27' to the plane of its
orbit. At the same time the orb began to move in vacuum, and,
restrained by antagonistic attractions, to perform what is called
its annual revolution."

"I can very well understand, friend Reasono," observed Noah, "why
the 'arth should heel under so sudden a flaw, though a well-
ballasted ship would right again when the puff was over; but I
cannot understand how a little steam leaking out at one end of a
craft should set her agoing at the rate we are told this world
travels?"

"If the escape of the steam were constant, the diurnal motion giving
it every moment a new position, the earth would not be propelled in
its orbit, of a certainty, Captain Poke; but as, in fact, this
escape of the steam has the character of pulsation, being periodical
and regular, nature has ordained that it shall occur but once in the
twenty-four hours, and this at such a time as to render its action
uniform, and its impulsion always in the same direction. The
principle on which the earth receives this impetus, can be easily
illustrated by a familiar experiment. Take, for instance, a double-
barrelled fowling-piece, load both barrels with extra quantities of
powder, introduce a ball and two wads into each barrel, place the
breech within 4 628/1000 inches of the abdomen, and take care to
fire both barrels at once. In this case, the balls will give an
example of the action of the forty thousand square miles of
territory, and the person experimenting will not fail to imitate the
impulsion, or the backward movement of the earth."

"While I do not deny that such an experiment would be likely to set
both parties in motion, friend Reasono, I do not see why the 'arth
should not finally stop, as the man would be sure to do, after he
had got through with hopping, and kicking, and swearing."

"The reason why the earth, once set in motion in vacuum, does not
stop, can also be elucidated by experiment, as follows:--Take
Captain Noah Poke, provided as he is by nature with legs and the
power of motion; lead him to the Place Vendome; cause him to pay
three sous, which will gain him admission to the base of the column;
let him ascend to the summit; thence let him leap with all his
energy, in a direction at right angles with the shaft of the column,
into the open air; and it will be found that, though the original
impulsion would not probably impel the body more than ten or twelve
feet, motion would continue until it had reached the earth.
Corollary: hence it is proved that all bodies in which the vis
inertia has been overcome will continue in motion, until they come
in contact with some power capable of stopping them."

"King!--Do you not think, Mr. Reasono, that the 'arth makes its
circuit, as much owing to this said steam of yours shoving, as it
were, always a little on one side, acting thereby in some fashion as
a rudder, which causes her to keep waring as we seamen call it, and
as big crafts take more room than small ones in waring, why, she is
compelled to run so many millions of miles, before, as it were, she
comes up to the wind ag'in? Now, there is reason in such an idee;
whereas, I never could reconcile it to my natur', that these little
bits of stars should keep a craft like the 'arth in her course, with
such a devil of a way on her, as we know in reason she must have, to
run so far in a twelvemonth. Why, the smallest yaw--and, for a
hooker of her keel, a thousand miles wouldn't be a broader yaw than
a hundred feet in a ship--the smallest yaw would send her aboard of
the Jupiter, or the Marcury, when there would be a smashing of out-
board work such as mortal never before witnessed!"

"We rather lean to the opinion of the efficacy of attraction, sir;
nor do I see that your proposition would at all obviate your own
objection."

"Then, sir, I will just explain myself. Let us suppose there was a
steamer with a hundred miles of keel; let us suppose the steam up,
and the craft with a broad offing; let us suppose her helm lash'd
hard aport, and she going at the rate of ten thousand knots the
hour, without bringing up or shortening sail for years at a time.
Now, all this being admitted, what would be her course? Why, sir,
any child could tell you, she would keep turning in a circle of some
fifty or a hundred thousand miles in circumference; and such, it
appears to me, it is much more rational to suppose is the natur' of
the 'arth's traversing, than all this steering small among stars and
attractions."

"There is truly something very plausible, Captain Poke, in your
suggestion; and I propose that you shall profit by the first
occasion to lay your opinions on the subject, more at large, before
the Academy of Leaphigh."

"With all my heart, Doctor; for I hold that knowledge, like good
liquor, is given to be passed round from one to another, and not to
be gulped in a corner by any particular individle. And now I'm
throwing out hints of this natur' I will just intimate another that
you may add to your next demonstration, by way of what you call a
corollary; which is this--that is to say--if all you tell us about
the bursting of the boiler, and the polar kick be true, then is the
'arth the first steamboat that was ever invented, and the boastings
of the French, and the English, and the Spaniards, and the Italians,
on this point, are no more than so much smoke."

"And of the Americans, too, Captain Poke," I ventured to observe.

"Why, Sir John, that is as it may happen. I don't well see how
Fulton could have stolen the idee, seeing that he did not know the
Doctor, and most probably never heard of Leaphigh in his life."

We all smiled, even to the amiable Chatterissa, at the nicety of the
navigator's distinctions; and the philosopher's lecture, in its more
didactic form, being now virtually at an end, a long and desultory
conversation took place, in which a multitude of ingenious questions
were put by Captain Poke and myself, and which were as cleverly
answered by the Doctor and his friends.

At length, Dr. Reasono, who, philosopher as he was, and much as he
loved science, had not given himself all this trouble without a view
to what are called ulterior considerations, came out with a frank
expose of his wishes. Accident had apparently combined all the means
for gratifying the burning desire I betrayed to be let into further
details of the monikin polity, morals, philosophy, and all the other
great social interests of the part of the world they inhabit. I was
wealthy beyond bounds, and the equipment of a proper vessel would be
an expenditure of no moment; both the Doctor and Lord Chatterino
were good practical geographers, after they were once within the
parallel of 77 degrees south, and Captain Poke, according to his own
account of himself, had passed half his life in poking about among
the sterile and uninhabited islands of the frozen ocean. What was
there to prevent the most earnest wishes of all present from being
gratified? The captain was out of employment, and no doubt would be
glad to get the command of a good tight sea-boat; the strangers
pined for home, and it was my most ardent wish to increase my stake
in society, by taking a further interest in monikins.

On this hint, I frankly made a proposal to the old sealer to
undertake the task of restoring these amiable and enlightened
strangers to their own firesides and families. The Captain soon
began to discover a little of his Stunin'tun propensity; for the
more I pressed the matter on him, the more readily he found
objections. The several motives he urged for declining the proposal,
may be succinctly given as follows:--

It was true that he wanted employment, but then he wanted to see
Stunin'tun too; he doubted whether monkeys would make good sailors;
it was no joke to run in among the ice, and it might be still less
of one to find our way back again; he had seen the bodies of dead
seals and bears that were frozen as hard as stone, and which might,
for anything he knew, have lain in that state a hundred years, and,
for his part, he should like to be buried when he was good for
nothing else. How did he know these monikins might not catch the
men, when they had once fairly got them in their country, and strip
them, and make them throw summersets, as the Savoyards had compelled
the Doctor, and even the Lady Chatterissa to do?--he knew he should
break his neck the very first flap-jack; if he were ten years
younger, perhaps he should like the frolic; he did not believe the
right sort of craft could be found in England, and for his part, he
liked sailing under the stars and stripes; he didn't know but he
might go if he had a crew of Stunin'tunners; he always knew how to
get along with such people; he could scare one by threatening to
tell his marm how he behaved, and bring another to reason by hinting
that the gals would shy him if he wasn't more accommodating; then
there might be no such place as Leaphigh, after all; or, if there
was, he might never find it; as for wearing a bison-skin under the
equator, it was quite out of the question, a human skin being a
heavy load to carry in the calm latitudes; and finally that he
didn't exactly see what he was to get by it.

These objections were met, one by one, reversing the order in which
they were made, and commencing with the last.

I offered a thousand pounds sterling as the reward. This proposal
brought a gleam of satisfaction into Noah's eyes, though he shook
his head, as if he thought it very little. It was then suggested
that there was no doubt we should discover certain islands that were
well stored with seals, and that I would waive all claims as owner,
and that hereafter he might turn these discoveries to his own
private account. At this bait he nibbled, and, at one time, I
thought he was about to suffer himself to be caught. But he remained
obstinate. After trying all our united rhetoric, and doubling the
amount of the pecuniary offer, Dr. Reasono luckily bethought him of
the universal engine of human weakness, and the old sealer, who had
resisted money--an influence of known efficacy at Stunin'tun--
ambition, the secret of new sealing grounds, and all the ordinary
inducements that might be thought to have weight with men of his
class, was, in the end, hooked by his own vanity!

The philosopher cunningly expatiated on the pleasure there would be
in reading a paper before the Academy of Leaphigh, on the subject of
the captain's peculiar views touching the earth's annual revolution,
and of the virtue of sailing planets, with their helms lashed hard
aport, when all the dogmatical old navigator's scruples melted away
like snow in a thaw.




CHAPTER XIII.

A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--A TIGHT FIT,
AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.


I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. During
this time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper
ship had been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put
in quiet possession of their cabins, and I had made all ray
arrangements for being absent from England for the next two years.
The vessel was a stout-built, comfortable ship of about three
hundred tons burden, and had been properly constructed to encounter
the dangers of the ice. Her accommodations were suitably arranged to
meet all the exigencies of both monikin and human wants, the
apartments of the ladies being very properly separated from those of
the gentlemen, and otherwise rendered decorous and commodious. The
Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly called their private room the
gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, was a term for the
women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikins being quite
as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing their acquirements
by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.

Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, the
service being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very
responsible character. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly
to Liverpool (the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where
he was fortunate enough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen,
two Norwegians, and a Swede, all of whom had been accustomed to
cruising as near the poles as ordinary men ever succeeded in
reaching. He was also well suited in his cook and mates; but I
observed that he had great difficulty in finding a cabin-boy to his
mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, some for the want
of one qualification, and some for the want of another. As I was
present at several examinations of different candidates for the
office, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining their
respective merits.

The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and a
pitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand at
mixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected
for manifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in
this important part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the
candidates, however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the
captain soon came to the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in
a tone, as Noah expressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-
trap and the mendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for
deficiencies on this score, the captain remarking that most of them
"were the sa'ciest blackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he
had, at length, found one who could mix a tumbler of grog, and
answer "Sir," to his liking, he proceeded to make experiments on
their abilities in carrying a soup-tureen over a slushed plank; in
wiping plates without a napkin, and without using their shirt-
sleeves; in snuffing candles with their fingers; in making a soft
bed with few materials besides boards; in mixing the various
compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which he affectedly
pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and ducks on the
sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking his
lips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he
maintained were as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their
singing-books and the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to
my uninstructed eyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the
want of a quality that he declared was indispensable to the quiet of
the ship. It appeared that he was too bony about an essential part
of his anatomy, a peculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain,
as he himself was once so unfortunate as to put his great toe out of
joint, by kicking one of those ill-formed youngsters with
unpremeditated violence; a thing that was very apt to happen to a
man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed, and was immediately
promoted to the vacant berth. The very next day the ship put to sea,
in good condition, and with every prospect of a fortunate voyage.

I will here state that a general election occurred the week before
we sailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in
order to protect the interests of those who had a natural right to
look up to me for that small favor.

We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over the
taffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.
Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about in
the cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with
the anatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging
from the amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited
for his station, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last
hold of the land loosened by the departure of the pilot, our
navigator came forth in his true colors, and showed the stuff of
which he was really made. The first thing he did was to cause a pull
to be made on every halyard, bowline, and brace in the ship; he then
rattled off both mates, in order to show them (as he afterwards told
me in confidence) that he was captain of his own vessel; gave the
people to understand he did not like to speak twice on the same
subject and on the same occasion, which he said was a privilege he
very willingly left to Congressmen and women; and then he appeared
satisfied with himself and all around him.

A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain
Poke if it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to
resort to some means in order to know where the ship was. Noah
treated this idea with great disrespect. He could see no use in
wearing out quadrants without any necessity for it. Our course was
south, we knew, for we were bound to the south pole; all we had to
do was to keep America on the starboard, and Africa on the larboard
hand. To be sure, there was something to be said about the trades,
and a little allowance to be made for currents now and then; but he
and the ship would get to be better acquainted before a great while,
and then all would go on like clockwork. A few days after this
conversation, I was on deck just as day dawned, and to my surprise
Noah, who was in his berth, called out to the mate, through the
skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore. No one had yet
seen any land; but at this summons we began to look about us, and
sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the eastern board!
Its position by compass was immediately communicated to the captain,
who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing his admonition
to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa on the
larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.

I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very
capital fall upon the trades, and that we were getting on
wonderfully well, though it was quite as great a mystery to them as
it was to me, how the captain could know where the ship was; for he
had not touched his quadrant, except to wipe it with a silk
handkerchief, since we left England. About a fortnight after we had
passed the Cape de Verds, Noah came on deck in a great rage, and
began to storm at the mate and the man at the wheel for not keeping
the ship her course. To this the former answered with spirit, that
the only order he had received in a fortnight, was "to keep her
jogging south, allowing for variation," and that she was heading at
that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noah gave Bob, who
happened to pass him just then, a smart application a posteriori,
and swore "that the compass was as big a fool as the mate; that the
ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway, and not
thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had no
northin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it
ought to be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio
instead of Leaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the
latter country, we must haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate,
to my surprise, suddenly acquiesced, and immediately brought the
ship by the wind. He afterwards told me, in a half-whisper, that the
second mate having been sharpening some harpoons, had unwittingly
left them much too close to the binnacle; and that, in fact, the
magnet had been attracted by them, so as to deceive the man at the
wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to the real points of the
compass. I must say this little occurrence greatly encouraged me,
leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival as far, at
least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from the
monikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began
to revive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been
partially interrupted by the novel and disagreeable circumstances of
a sea life.

The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with
females at sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the
equator, the philosopher and the young peer passed most of their
time on deck, or aloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild
nights in discussing subjects connected with my future travels; and
as soon as we were well clear of the rain and the thunder and
lightning of the calm latitudes, Captain Poke, Robert, and myself
began to study the language of Leaphigh. The cabin-boy was included
in this arrangement, Noah intimating we should find it convenient to
take him on shore with us, since a wish to conceal my destination
had induced me to bring no servant along. Luckily for us, the
monikin ingenuity had greatly diminished the labor of the
acquisition. The whole language was spoken and written on a system
of decimals, which rendered it particularly easy, after the
elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlike most human
tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception, no departure
from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of the pillory.
This provision, the captain protested, was the best rule of them
all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knew by
experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language of
Stunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. The
comprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage;
though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it was
the next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord
Chatterino obligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-cum" means "Madam,
I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I
love no other half as well, it would make me the happiest monikin on
earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be
models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time
henceforth and forever." In short, it was the usual and most solemn
expression for asking in marriage; and, by the laws of the land, was
binding on the proposer until as formally declined by the other
party. But, unluckily, the word "we-switch-it-me-cum" means "Madam,
I love you from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and, if
I did not love another better, it would make me the happiest monikin
on earth, if you would consent to become my wife, that we might be
models of domestic propriety before all eyes, from this time
henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle and
insignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal
of heart-burning and disappointment among the young people of
Leaphigh. Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and
two great political parties had taken root in the unfortunate
mistake of a young monikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who
used the fatal word indiscreetly. That feud, however, was now
happily appeased, having lasted only a century, but it would be
wise, as we were all three bachelors, to take note of the
distinction. Captain Poke said he thought, on the whole, he was
perfectly safe, as he was much accustomed to the use of the word
"switchel"; but he thought it might be very well to go before some
consul as soon as the ship anchored, and enter a formal protest of
our ignorance of all these niceties, lest some advantage should be
taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he in particular was
not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furious as a
hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. The
matter was deferred for future deliberation.

About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications
with Dr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the
party of which he was the principal member. It would seem that the
philosopher, though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of
the best developed caudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in
the more vulgar attributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed
freely, therefore, from the stores of his philosophy, and through
the medium of the academy of Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was
obliged to seek an especial recipient for his surplus knowledge, in
the shape of a pupil, in order to provide for the small remains of
the animal that still lingered in his habits. Lord Chatterino, the
orphan heritor of one of the noblest and wealthiest, as well as one
of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh, had been put under his
instruction at a very tender age, as had my Lady Chatterissa under
that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects. This young and
accomplished pair had early distinguished each other, in monikin
society, for their unusual graces of person, general attainments,
mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, and soundness
of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flame which
was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was met by
a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in the
heart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties,
so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order
to prevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the
aid of the matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer
especially appointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to
take cognizance of the proprieties of all engagements that are
likely to assume a character as grave and durable as that of
marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me the certificate issued from the
Marriage Department on this occasion, and which, in all his
wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within the lining of the
Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, and which he
still preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensable on
his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travel
afoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates,
who were of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as
literally as the poverty of the English language will allow.

Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh,
season of nuts, day of brightness.

Vol. 7243, p. 82.

Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable
and wood in just proportions.

Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.

Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady
Chatterissa possess in quality what they want in quantity.

Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy--four
descents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty.

Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure--three bastardies--eleven
descents pure--a certainty--a suspicion--unknown.

Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side
of my Lord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other
side is believed to equalize the parties.

(Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy.

(Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.

Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under
the charge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the
University of Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance
Lynx, licensed duenna.

The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it
might be so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to
explain it. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable
(to use a peculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential
requisites of matrimony, they are sent on the journey in question,
under the care of prudent and experienced mentors, with a view to
ascertain how far they may be able to support, in each other's
society, the ordinary vicissitudes of life. In the case of
candidates of the more vulgar classes, there are official overseers,
who usually drag them through a few mud-puddles, and then set them
to work at some hard labor that is especially profitable to the
public functionaries, who commonly get the greater part of their own
year's work done in this manner. But, as the moral provisions of all
laws are invented less for those who own 126,952 3/4 acres of land,
divided into meadow, arable and wood, in just proportions, than for
those whose virtues are more likely to yield to the fiery ordeal of
temptation, the rich and noble, after making a proper and useful
manifestation of their compliance with the usage, ordinarily retire
to their country seats, where they pass the period of probation as
agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be inserted in the
Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their letters
describing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for
the consolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor
country houses. In a good many instances the journey is actually
performed by proxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady
Chatterissa formed an exception even to these exceptions. It was
thought by the authorities that the attachment of a pair so
illustrious offered a good occasion to distinguish the Leaphigh
impartiality; and on the well-known principle which induces us
sometimes to hang an earl in England, the young couple were
commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat (secret orders
being given to their guardians to allow every possible indulgence,
at the same time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in
the sternness and integrity of their rulers.

Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for
the mountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical
commentary of the ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the
verges of precipices and in the delights of the most fertile valleys
(which, as he justly observed, was the greater danger of the two),
leading them over flinty paths, hungry and cold, in order to try
their tempers; and setting up establishments with the most awkward
peasants for servants, to ascertain the depth of Chatterissa's
philosophy; with a variety of similar ingenious devices, that will
readily suggest themselves to all who have any matrimonial
experience, whether they live in palaces or cottages. When this part
of the trial was successfully terminated (the result having shown
that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as mere temper was
concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the barrier of ice,
which divides the monikin from the human region, with a view to
ascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a nature
likely to resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here,
unfortunately, (for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of
Dr. Reasono, who was already F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring
ambition to become also M. O. R. E., led him into the extreme
imprudence of pushing through an opening, where he had formerly
discovered an island, on an ancient expedition of the same sort; and
on which island he thought he saw a rock, that formed a stratum of
what he believed to be a portion of the forty thousand square miles
that were discomposed by the great eruption of the earth's boiler.
The philosopher foresaw a thousand interesting results that were
dependent on the ascertaining of this important fact; for all the
learning of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some five hundred years
before, in establishing the greatest distance to which any fragment
had been thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention had
latterly been given to the discovery of the least distance any
fragment had been hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the
consequences of a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this
indiscretion that the whole party fell into the hands of certain
mariners who were sealing on the northern shores of this very
island, (friends and neighbors, as it afterwards appeared, of
Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized upon the travellers, and
sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which they afterwards fell
in with near the island of St. Helena--St. Helena! the tomb of him
who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of his desires,
the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration for truth,
profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clear
appreciation of all the nobler virtues.

We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasono
concluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, I
solemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,--

"If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of the
past--if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead--if
certain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for
chaining a hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of
freemen, would ever have disgraced itself, by such an act of
barbarism and vengeance?"

The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself
to some tobacco, he replied,--

"Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we catch a ferocious
critter', we always put it in a cage. I'm no great mathematician, as
I've often told you; if my dog bites me once, I kick him--twice, I
beat him--thrice, I chain him."

Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they have
no sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct and
common-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than
one who lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger
than in that of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce
his own sense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their
home-bred morality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be
classed Captain Noah Poke.

A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companions
fell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two matters
of lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however,
be entirely omitted.

When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for the
monikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain
number of jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different
animals, such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc.,
etc., with the proper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws;
and, when the ladies came on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were
no longer offended by our rude innovations upon nature, but the
whole crew were flying about the rigging, like so many animals of
the different species named. Noah and myself appeared in the
characters of sea-lions, the former having intimated that he
understood the nature of that beast better than any other. Of
course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, and
handsomely acknowledged.

I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made of
cotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near
the Falkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude,
and I might add, with pleasure.

Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme,
saying that he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered
altogether by wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing
as a good joke, never failing to hail the men, not by their names as
formerly, but, as he expressed it himself, "by their natur's";
calling out "You cat, scratch this"; "You tiger, jump here"; "You
hog, out of that dirt"'; "You dog, scamper there"; "You horse, haul
away," and divers other similar conceits, that singularly tickled
his fancy. The men themselves took up the ball, which they kept
rolling, embellished with all sorts of nautical witticisms; their
surname--they had but one, viz. Smith--being entirely dropped for
the new appellations. Thus, the sounds of "Tom Dog," "Jack Cat,"
"Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and "Dick Horse," were flying about the
deck from morning to night.

Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time
the ship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard
gales from the southward and westward; and we had the utmost
difficulty in making our southing. Observations now became a very
difficult matter, the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The
marine instinct of Noah, at this crisis, was of the last importance
to all on board. He gave us the cheering assurance, however, from
time to time, that we were going south, although the mates declared
that they knew not where the ship was, or whither she was running;
neither sun, moon, nor star having now been seen for more than a
week.

We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a
fortnight, when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called
for the cabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by
the name of "You Bob Ape"; for the duty of Robert requiring that he
should be much about the persons of the monikins, I had given him a
dress of apes' skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to
their tastes than that of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon
forthcoming, and, as he approached his master, he quietly turned his
face from him, receiving, as a matter of course, three or four smart
admonitory hints, by way of letting him know that he was to be
active in the performance of the duty on which he was about to be
sent. On this occasion I made an odd discovery. Bob had profited by
the dimensions of his lower garment, which had been cut for a much
larger boy (one of those who had broken down in essaying the true
Doric of "Sir"), by stuffing it with an old union-jack-a sort of
"sarvice," as he afterwards told me, that saved him a good deal of
wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events, however; when
Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully, and demanded
the captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest and fairest
pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke, that
navigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he
termed "Stunin'tun food." The captain took the pumpkin between his
legs, and carefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow
coat, leaving it a globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the
tar-bucket, and, with his fingers, traced various marks, which were
pretty accurate outlines of the different continents and the larger
islands of the world. The region near the south pole, however, he
left untouched; intimating that it contained certain sealing
islands, which he considered pretty much as the private property of
the Stunin'tunners.

"Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, "there is the
'arth, and here is the tar-pot--just mark down the position of your
island of Leaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts
your academy has of the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you
happen to know of any rocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down
the island where you were captured, giving a general idee of its
headlands and of the trending of the coast."

Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desired
objects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, and
seemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who
had very correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short,
on whose local knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He
then projected the position of Stunnin'tun, an occupation in which
he took great delight, actually designing the meeting-house and the
principal tavern; after which, the chart was laid aside.




CHAPTER XIV.

HOW TO STEER SMALL--HOW TO RUN THE GAUNTLET WITH A SHIP--HOW TO GO
CLEAR--A NEW-FASHIONED SCREW--DOCK, AND CERTAIN MILE-STONES.


Captain Poke no longer deliberated about the course we were to
steer. With his pumpkin for a chart, his instinct for an
observation, and his nose for a compass, the sturdy sealer stood
boldly to the southward; or, at least, he ran dead before a stiff
gale, which, as he more than once affirmed, was as true a norther as
if bred and born in the Canadas.

After coursing over the billows at a tremendous rate for a day and a
night, the captain appeared on deck, with a face of unusual meaning,
and a mind loaded with its own reflections, as was proved by his
winking knowingly whenever he delivered himself of a sentiment; a
habit that he had most probably contracted, in early youth, at
Stunin'tun, for it seemed to be quite as inveterate as it was
thoroughbred.

"We shall soon know, Sir John," he observed, hitching the sea-lion
skin into symmetry, "whether it is sink or swim!"

"Pray explain yourself, Mr. Poke," cried I, in a little alarm. "If
anything serious is to happen, you are bound to give timely notice."

"Death is always untimely to some critturs, Sir John."

"Am I to understand, sir, that you mean to cast away the ship?"

"Not if I can help it, Sir John; but a craft that is foreordained to
be a wrack, will be a wrack, in spite of reefing and bracing. Look
ahead, you Dick Lion--ay, there you have it!"

There we had it, sure enough! I can only compare the scene which now
met my eyes, to a sudden view of the range of the Oberland Alps,
when the spectator is unexpectedly placed on the verge of the
precipice of the Weissenstein. There he would see before him a
boundless barrier of glittering ice, broken into the glorious and
fantastic forms of pinnacles, walls, and valleys; while here, we saw
all that was sublime in such a view heightened by the fearful action
of the boisterous ocean, which beat upon the impassable boundary in
ceaseless violence.

"Good God! Captain Poke," I exclaimed, the instant I caught a
glimpse of the formidable danger that menaced us, "you surely do not
mean to continue madly on, with such a warning of the consequences
in plain view?"

"What would you have, Sir John? Leaphigh lies on the t'other side of
these ice-islands!"

"But you need not run the ship against them--why not go round them?"

"Because they go round the 'arth, in this latitude. Now is the time
to speak, Sir John. If we are bound to Leaphigh, we have the choice
of three pretty desperate chances; to go through, to go under, or to
go over that there ice. If we are to put back, there is not a moment
to lose, for it may be even now questioned whether the ship would
claw off, as we are, with a sending sea, and this heavy norther."

I believe I would, at that moment, gladly have given up all my
social stakes to be well rid of the adventure. Still pride, that
substitute for so many virtues, the greatest and the most potent of
all hypocrites, forbade my betraying the desire to retreat. I
deliberated, while the ship flew; and when, at length, I turned to
the captain to suggest a doubt that might, at an earlier notice,
possibly have changed the whole aspect of affairs, he bluntly told
me it was too late. It was safer to proceed than to return, if
indeed, return were possible, in the present state of the winds and
waves. Making a merit of necessity, I braced my nerves to meet the
crisis, and remained a submissive, and, apparently, a calm spectator
of that which followed.

The Walrus (such was the name of our good ship) by this time was
under easy canvas, and yet, urged by the gale, she rolled down with
alarming velocity towards the boundary of foam where the congealed
and the still liquid element held their strife. The summits of the
frozen crags waved in their glittering glory in a way just to show
that they were afloat; and I remembered to have heard that, at
times, as their bases melted, entire mountains had been known to
roll over, engulfing all that lay beneath. To me it seemed but a
moment, before the ship was fairly overshadowed by these shining
cliffs, which, gently undulating, waved their frozen summits nearly
a thousand feet in air. I looked at Noah, in alarm, for it appeared
to me that he intentionally precipitated us to destruction. But,
just as I was about to remonstrate, he made a sign with his hand,
and the vessel was brought to the wind. Still retreat was
impossible; for the heave of the sea was too powerful, and the wind
too heavy, to leave us any hope of long keeping the Walrus from
drifting down upon the ragged peaks that bristled in icy glory to
leeward. Nor did Captain Poke himself seem to entertain any such
design; for, instead of hugging the gale, in order to haul off from
the danger, he had caused the yards to be laid perfectly square, and
we were now running, at a great rate, in a line nearly parallel with
the frozen coast, though gradually setting upon it.

"Keep full! Let her go through water, you Jim Tiger," said the old
sealer, whose professional ardor was fairly aroused. "Now, Sir John,
unluckily, we are on the wrong side of these ice mountains, for the
plain reason that Leaphigh lies to the south'ard of them. We must be
stirring, therefore, for no craft that was ever launched could keep
off these crags with such a gale driving home upon them, for more
than an hour or two. Our great concern, at present, is to look out
for a hole to run into."

"Why have you come so close to the danger, with your knowledge of
the consequences?"

"To own the truth, Sir John, natur' is natur', and I'm getting to be
a little near-sighted as I grow old; besides, I'm not so sartain
that the danger is the more dangerous, for taking a good, steady
look plump in its face."

Noah raised his hand, as much as to say he wished no answer, and
both of us were immediately occupied in gazing anxiously to leeward.
The ship was just opening a small cove in the ice, which might have
been a cable's length in depth, and a quarter of a mile across its
outer, or the widest part. Its form was regular, being that of a
semicircle; but, at its bottom, the ice, instead of forming a
continued barrier, like all the rest we had yet passed, was
separated by a narrow opening, that was bounded on each side by a
frowning precipice. The two bergs were evidently drawing nearer to
each other, but there was still a strait, or a watery gorge between
them, of some two hundred feet in width. As the ship plunged onward,
the pass was opened, and we caught a glimpse of the distant view to
leeward. It was merely a glimpse--the impatient Walrus allowing us
but a moment for examination--but it appeared sufficient for the
purposes of the old sealer. We were already across the mouth of the
cove, and within a cable's length of the ice again; for as we drew
near what may be called the little cape, we found ourselves once
more in closer proximity to the menacing mountain. It was a moment
when all depended on decision; and fortunately, our sealer, who was
so wary and procrastinating in a bargain, never had occasion to make
two drafts on his thoughts, in situations of emergency. As the ship
cleared the promontory on the eastern side of the cove, we again
opened a curvature of the ice, which gave a little more water to
leeward. Tacking was impossible, and the helm was put hard aweather.
The bow of the Walrus fell off, and as she rose on the next wave, I
thought its send would carry us helplessly down upon the berg. But
the good craft, obedient to her rudder, whirled round, as if
sensible herself of the danger, and, in less time than I had ever
before known her to wear, we felt the wind on the other quarter. Our
cats and dogs bestirred themselves, for there was no one there,
Captain Noah Poke excepted, whose heart did not beat quick and hard.
In much less time than usual, the yards were braced up on the other
tack, and the ship was ploughing heavily against the sea, with her
head to the westward. It is impossible to give one who has never
been in such a situation, a just idea of the feverish impatience,
the sinking and mounting of hope, as we watch the crablike movement
of a vessel that is clawing off a lee-shore, in a gale. In the
present case, it being well known that the sea was fathomless, we
had run so near the danger that not even the smallest of its horrors
was veiled from sight.

While the ship labored along, I saw the clouds fast shutting in to
windward, by the interposition of the promontory of ice--the certain
sign that our drift was rapid--and, as we drew nearer to the point,
breathing became labored and even audible. Here Noah took a chew of
tobacco, I presume on the principle of enjoying a last quid, should
the elements prove fatal; and then he went to the wheel in person.

"Let her go through the water," he said, easing the helm a little--
"let her jog ahead, or we shall lose command of her in this devil's-
pot!"

The vessel felt the slight change, and drew faster through the
foaming brine, bringing us, with increasing velocity, nearer to the
dreaded point. As we came up to the promontory the water fell back
in spray on the decks, and there was an instant when it appeared as
if the wind was about to desert us. Happily the ship had drawn so
far ahead as to feel the good effects of a slight change of current
that was caused by the air rushing obliquely into the cove; and, as
Noah, by easing the helm still more, had anticipated this
alteration, which had been felt adversely but a moment before, while
struggling to the eastward of the promontory, we drew swiftly past
the icy cape, opening the cove handsomely, with the ship's head
falling off fast towards the gorge.

There was but a minute or two, for squaring the yards and obtaining
the proper position to windward of the narrow strait. Instead of
running down in a direct line for the latter, Captain Poke kept the
ship on such a course as to lay it well open, before her head was
pointed towards the passage. By this time, the two bergs had drawn
so near each other as actually to form an arch across its mouth; and
this, too, at a part so low as to render it questionable whether
there was sufficient elevation to permit the Walrus to pass beneath.
But retreat was impossible, the gale urging the ship furiously
onwards. The width of the passage was now but little more than a
hundred feet, and it actually required the nicest steerage to keep
our yard-arms clear of the opposite precipices, as the vessel
dashed, with foaming bows, into the gorge. The wind drew through the
opening with tremendous violence, fairly howling as if in delight at
discovering a passage by which it might continue its furious career.
We may have been aided by the sucking of the wind and the waves,
both of which were irresistibly drawn towards the pass, or it is
quite probable that the skill of Captain Poke did us good service on
this awful occasion; but, owing to the one or the other, or to the
two causes united, the Walrus shot into the gorge so accurately as
to avoid touching either of the lateral margins of the ice. We were
not so fortunate, however, with the loftier spars; for scarcely was
the vessel beneath the arch, when she lifted on a swell, and her
main-top-gallant-mast snapped off in the cap. The ice groaned and
cracked over our heads, and large fragments fell both ahead and
astern of us, several of them even tumbling upon our decks. One
large piece came down within an inch of the extremity of Dr.
Reasono's tail, just escaping the dire calamity of knocking out the
brains of that profound and philo-monikin philosopher. In another
instant the ship was through the pass, which completely closed, with
the crash of an earthquake, as soon as possible afterwards.

Still driven by the gale, we ran rapidly towards the south, along a
channel less than a quarter of a mile in width, the bergs evidently
closing on each side of us, and the ship, as if conscious of her
jeopardy, doing her utmost, with Captain Poke still at the wheel. In
a little more than an hour, the worst was over--the Walrus issuing
into an open basin of several leagues in extent, which was, however,
completely encircled by the frozen mountains. Here Noah took a look
at the pumpkin, after which he made no ceremony in plumply telling
Dr. Reasono that he had been greatly mistaken in laying down the
position of Captivity Island, as he himself had named the spot where
the amiable strangers had fallen into human hands. The philosopher
was a little tenacious of his opinion; but what is argument in the
face of facts? Here was the pumpkin, and there were the blue waters!
The captain now quite frankly declared that he had great doubts
whether there was any such place as Leaphigh at all; and as the ship
had a capital position for such an object, he bluntly, though
privately proposed to me, that we should throw all the monikins
overboard, project the entire polar basin on his chart as being
entirely free from islands, and then go a-sealing. I rejected the
propositions, firstly, as premature; secondly, as inhuman; thirdly,
as inhospitable; fourthly, as inconvenient; and lastly, as
impracticable.

There might have arisen a disagreeable controversy between us on
this point; for Mr. Poke had begun to warm, and to swear that one
good seal, of the true quality of fur, was worth a hundred monkeys;
when most happily the panther at the masthead cried out that two of
the largest mountains, to the southward of us, were separating, and
that he could discern a passage into another basin. Hereupon Captain
Poke concentrated his oaths, which he caused to explode like a bomb,
and instantly made sail again in the proper direction. By three
o'clock, P.M., we had run the gauntlet of the bergs a second time,
and were at least a degree nearer the pole, in the basin just
alluded to.

The mountains had now entirely disappeared in the southern board;
but the sea was covered, far as the eye could reach, with field-ice.
Noah stood on, without apprehension; for the water had been smooth
ever since we entered the first opening, the wind not having rake
enough to knock up a swell. When about a mile from the margin of the
frozen and seemingly interminable plain, the ship was brought to the
wind, and hove-to.

Ever since the vessel left the docks, there had been six sets of
spars of a form so singular, lying among the booms, that they had
often been the subject of conversation between the mates and myself,
neither of the former being able to tell their uses. These sticks
were of no great length, some fifteen feet at the most, of sound
English oak. Two or three pairs were alike, for they were in pairs,
each pair having one of the sides of a shape resembling different
parts of the ship's bottom, with the exception that they were
chiefly concave, while the bottom of a vessel is mainly convex. At
one extremity each pair was firmly connected by a short, massive,
iron link, of about two feet in length; and, at its opposite end, a
large eye-bolt was driven into each stick, where it was securely
forelocked. When the Walrus was stationary, we learned, for the
first time, the uses of these unusual preparations. A pair of the
timbers, which were of great solidity and strength, were dropped
over the stern, and, sinking beneath the keel, their upper
extremities were separated by means of lanyards turned into the eye-
bolts. The lanyards were then brought forward to the bilge of the
vessel, where, by the help of tackles, the timbers were rowsed up in
such a manner that the links came close to the false keel, and the
timbers themselves were laid snug against each side of the ship. As
great care had been taken, by means of marks on the vessel, as well
as in forming the skids themselves, the fit was perfect. No less
than five pairs were secured in and near the bilge, and as many more
were distributed forwards and aft, according to the shape of the
bottom. Fore-and-aft pieces, that reached from one skid to the
other, were then placed between those about the bilge of the ship,
each of them having a certain number of short ribs, extending
upwards and downwards. These fore-and-aft pieces were laid along the
waterline, their ends entering the skids by means of mortices and
tenons, where they were snugly bolted. The result of the entire
arrangement was, to give the vessel an exterior protection against
the field-ice, by means of a sort of network of timber, the whole of
which had been so accurately fitted in the dock, as to bear equally
on her frame. These preparations were not fairly completed before
ten o'clock on the following morning, when Noah stood directly for
an opening in the ice before us, which just about that time began to
be apparent.

"We sha'nt go so fast for our armor," observed the cautious old
sealer; "but what we want in heels, we'll make up in bottom."

For the whole of that day we worked our devious course, by great
labor and at uncertain intervals, to the southward; and at night we
fastened the Walrus to a floe, in waiting for the return of light.
Just as the day dawned, however, I heard a tremendous grating sound
against the side of the vessel; and rushing on deck, I found that we
were completely caught between two immense fields, which seemed to
be attracted towards each other for no other apparent purpose than
to crush us. Here it was that the expedient of Captain Poke made
manifest its merits. Protected by the massive timbers and false
ribs, the bilge of the ship resisted the pressure; and as, under
such circumstances, something must yield, luckily nothing but the
attraction of gravitation was overcome. The skids, through their
inclination, acted as wedges, the links pressing against the keel;
and in the course of an hour the Walrus was gradually lifted out of
the water, maintaining her upright position, in consequence of the
powerful nip of the floes. No sooner was this experiment handsomely
effected, than Mr. Poke jumped upon the ice, and commenced an
examination of the ship's bottom.

"Here's a dry-dock for you, Sir John!" exclaimed the old sealer,
chuckling. "I'll have a patent for this, the moment I put foot ag'in
in Stunin'tun."

A feeling of security, to which I had been a stranger ever since we
entered the ice, was created by the composure of Noah, and by his
self-congratulation at what he called his project to get a look at
the Walrus's bottom. Notwithstanding all the fine declarations of
exultation and success, however, that he flourished among us who
were not mariners, I was much disposed to think that, like other men
of extraordinary genius, he had blundered on the grand result of his
"ice-screws," and that it was not foreseen and calculated. Let this
be as it may, however, all hands were soon on the floe, with brooms,
scrapers, hammers, and nails, and the opportunity of repairing and
cleaning was thoroughly improved.

For four-and-twenty hours the ship remained in the same attitude,
still as a church, and some of us began to entertain apprehensions
that she might be kept on her frozen blocks forever. The accident
had happened, according to the statements of Captain Poke, in lat.
78 degrees 13' 26"--although I never knew in what manner he
ascertained the important particular of our precise situation.
Thinking it might be well to get some more accurate ideas on this
subject, after so long and ticklish a run, I procured the quadrant
from Bob Ape, and brought it down upon the ice, where I made it a
point, as an especial favor, the weather being favorable and the
proper hour near, that our commander would correct his instinct by a
solar observation. Noah protested that your old seaman, especially
if a sealer and a Stunin'tunner, had no occasion for such geometry
operations, as he termed them; that it might be well enough, perhaps
necessary, for your counting-house, silk-gloved captains, who run
between New York and Liverpool, to be rubbing up their glasses and
polishing their sextants, for they hardly ever knew where they were,
except at such times; but as for himself, he had little need of
turning star-gazer at his time of life, and that as he had already
told me, he was getting to be near-sighted, and had some doubts
whether he could discern an object like the sun, that was known to
be so many thousands of millions of miles from the earth. These
scruples, however, were overcome by my cleaning the glasses,
preparing a barrel for him to stand on, that he might be at the
customary elevation above his horizon, and putting the instrument
into his hands, the mates standing near, ready to make the
calculations when he gave the sun's declination.

"We are drifting south'ard, I know," said Mr. Poke before he
commenced his sight--"I feel it in my bones. We are at this moment
in 79 degrees 36' 14."--having made a southerly drift of more than
eighty miles since yesterday noon. Now mind my words, and see what
the sun will say about it."

When the calculations were made, our latitude was found to be 79
degrees 35' 47". Noah was somewhat puzzled by the difference, for
which he could in no plausible way account, as the observation had
been unusually good and certain. But an opinionated and an ingenious
man is seldom at a loss to find a sufficient reason to establish his
own correctness, or to prove the mistakes of others.

"Ay, I see how it is," he said, after a little cogitation, "the sun
must be wrong--it should be no wonder if the sun did get a little
out of his track in these high, cold latitudes. Yes, yes; the sun
must be wrong."

I was too much delighted at being certain we were going on our
course to dispute the point, and the great luminary was abandoned to
the imputation of sometimes being in error. Dr. Reasono took
occasion to say, in my private ear, that there was a sect of
philosophers in Leaphigh, who had long distrusted the accuracy of
the planetary system, and who had even thrown out hints that the
earth, In its annual revolution, moved in a direction absolutely
contrary to that which nature had contemplated when she gave the
original polar impulse; but that, as regarded himself, he thought
very little of these opinions, as he had frequent occasion to
observe that there was a large class of monikins whose ideas always
went uphill.

For two more days and as many nights, we continued to drift with the
floes to the southward, or as near as might be, towards the haven of
our wishes. On the fourth morning, there was a suitable change in
the weather; both thermometer and barometer rose; the air became
more bland, and most of our cats and dogs, notwithstanding we were
still surrounded by the ice, began to cast their skins. Dr. Reasono
noted these signs, and stepping on the floe, he brought back with
him a considerable fragment of the frozen element. This was carried
to the camboose, where it was subjected to the action of fire,
which, within a given number of minutes, pretty much as a matter of
course, as I thought, caused it to melt. The whole process was
watched with an anxiety the most intense, by the whole of the
monikins, however; and when the result was announced, the amiable
and lovely Chatterissa clapped her pretty little pattes with joy,
and gave all the other natural indications of delight, which
characterize the emotions of that gentle sex of which she was so
bright an ornament. Dr. Reasono was not backwards in explaining the
cause of so much unusual exhilaration, for hitherto her manner had
been characterized by the well-bred and sophisticated restraint
which marks high training. The experiment had shown, by the
infallible and scientific tests of monikin chemistry, that we were
now within the influence of a steam-climate, and there could no
longer be any rational doubt of our eventual arrival in the polar
basin.

The result proved that the philosopher was right. About noon the
floes, which all that day had begun to assume what is termed a
"sloppy character," suddenly gave way, and the Walrus settled down
into her proper element, with great equanimity and propriety.
Captain Poke lost no time in unshipping the skids; and a smacking
breeze, that was well saturated with steam, springing up from the
westward, we made sail. Our course was due south, without regard to
the ice, which yielded before our bows like so much thick water, and
just as the sun set, we entered the open sea, rioting in the
luxuriance of its genial climate, in triumph.

Sail was carried on the ship all that night; and just as the day
dawned, we made the first mile-stone, a proof, not to be mistaken,
that we were now actually within the monikin region. Dr. Reasono had
the goodness to explain to us the history of these aquatic
phenomena. It would seem that when the earth exploded, its entire
crust, throughout the whole of this part of the world, was started
upwards in such a way as to give a very uniform depth to the sea,
which in no place exceeds four fathoms. It follows, as a
consequence, that no prevalence of northerly winds can force the
icebergs beyond 78 degrees of south latitude, as they invariably
ground on reaching the outer edge of the polar bank. The floes,
being thin, are melted of course; and thus, by this beneficent
prevention, the monikin world is kept entirely free from the very
danger to which a vulgar mind would be the most apt to believe it is
the most exposed.

A congress of nations had been held, about five centuries since,
which was called the Holy-philo-marine-safety-and-find-the-way
Alliance. At this congress the high contracting parties agreed to
name a commission to make provision, generally, for the secure
navigation of the seas. One of the expedients of this commission,
which, by the way, is said to have been composed of very illustrious
monikins, was to cause massive blocks of stone to be laid down, at
measured distances, throughout the whole of the basin, and in which
other stone uprights were secured. The necessary inscriptions were
graved on proper tablets, and as we approached the one already
named, I observed that it had the image of a monikin, carved also in
stone, with his tail extended in a right line, pointing, as Mr. Poke
assured me, S. and by W. half W. I had made sufficient progress in
the monikin language to read, as we glided past this watermark--"To
Leaphigh,--15 miles." One monikin mile, however, we were next told,
was equal to nine English statute miles; and, consequently, we were
not so near our port as was at first supposed. I expressed great
satisfaction at finding ourselves so fairly on the road, however,
and paid Dr. Reasono some well-merited compliments on the high state
of civilization to which his species had evidently arrived. The day
was not distant, I added, when it was reasonable to suppose, our own
seas would have floating restaurants and cafes, with suitable pot-
houses for the mariners; though I did not well see how we were to
provide a substitute for their own excellent organization of mile-
stones. The Doctor received my compliments with becoming modesty,
saying that he had no doubt mankind would do all that lay in their
power to have good eating and drinking-houses, whereever they could
be established; but as to the marine milestones, he agreed with me,
that there was little hope of their being planted, until the crust
of the earth should be driven upwards, so as to rise within four
fathoms of the surface of the water. On the other hand, Captain Poke
held this latter improvement very cheap. He affirmed it was no sign
of civilization at all, for, as a man became civilized, he had less
need of primers and finger-boards; and, as for Leaphigh, any
tolerable navigator could see it bore S. by W. half W. allowing for
variation, distant 135 English miles. To these objections I was
silent, for I had frequent occasion to observe that men very often
underrate any advantage of which they have come into the enjoyment
by a providential interposition.

Just as the sun was in the meridian, the cry of "land ahead" was
heard from aloft. The monikins were all smiles and gratitude; the
crew were excited by admiration and wonder; and as for myself, I was
literally ready to jump out of my skin, not only with delight, but,
in some measure also, from the exceeding warmth of the atmosphere.
Our cats and dogs began to uncase; Bob was obliged to unmask his
most exposed frontier, by removing the union-jack; and Noah himself
fairly appeared on deck in his shirt and night-cap. The amiable
strangers were too much occupied to be particular, and I slipped
into my state-room to change my toilet to a dress of thin silk, that
was painted to resemble the skin of a polar bear--a contradiction
between things that is much too common in our species ever to be
deemed out of fashion.

We neared the land with great rapidity, impelled by a steam-breeze,
and just as the sun sank in the horizon our anchor was let go, in
the outer harbor of the city of Aggregation.




CHAPTER XV.

AN ARRIVAL--FORMS OF RECEPTION--SEVERAL NEW CHRISTENINGS--AN
OFFICIAL DOCUMENT, AND TERRA FIRMA.


It is always agreeable to arrive safe, at the end of a long,
fatiguing, and hazardous journey. But the pleasure is considerably
augmented when the visit is paid to a novel region, with a steam-
climate, and which is peopled by a new species. My own satisfaction,
too was coupled with the reflection that I had been of real service
to four very interesting and well-bred strangers, who had been cast,
by an adverse fortune, into the hands of humanity, and who owed to
me a boon far more precious than life itself--a restoration to their
natural and acquired rights, their proper stations in society, and
sacred liberty! The reader will judge, therefore, with what inward
self-congratulation I now received the acknowledgments of the whole
monikin party, and listened to their most solemn protestations ever
to consider, not only all they might jointly and severally possess
in the way of estates and dignities, at my entire disposal, but
their persons as my slaves. Of course, I made as light as possible
of any little service I might have done them, protesting in my turn,
that I looked upon the whole affair more in the light of a party of
pleasure than a tax, reminding them that I had not only obtained an
insight into a new philosophy, but that I was already, thanks to the
decimal system, a tolerable proficient in their ancient and learned
language. These civilities were scarcely well over, before we were
boarded by the boat of the port-captain.

The arrival of a human ship was an event likely to create excitement
in a monikin country; and as our approach had been witnessed for
several hours, preparations had been made to give us a proper
reception. The section of the academy to whom is committed the
custody of the "Science of Indications," was hastily assembled by
order of the king, who, by the way, never speaks except through the
mouth of his oldest male first cousin, who, by the fundamental laws
of the realm, is held responsible for all his official acts (in
private, the king is allowed almost as many privileges as any other
monikin), and who, as is due to him in simple justice, is permitted
to exercise, in a public point of view, the functions of the eyes,
ears, nose, conscience, and tail of the monarch. The savans were
active, and as they proceeded with method, and on well-established
principles, their report was quickly made. It contained, as we
afterwards understood, seven sheets of premises, eleven of argument,
sixteen of conjecture, and two lines of deduction. This heavy draft
on the monikin intellect was duly achieved by dividing the work into
as many parts as there were members of the section present, viz.,
forty. The substance of their labors was, to say that the vessel in
sight was a strange vessel; that it came to a strange country, on a
strange errand, being manned by strangers; and that its objects were
more likely to be peaceful than warlike, since the glasses of the
academy did not enable them to discover any means of annoyance, with
the exception of certain wild beasts, who appeared, however, to be
peaceably occupied in working the ship. All this was sententiously
expressed in the purest monikin language. The effect of the report
was, to cause all hostile preparations to be abandoned.

No sooner did the boat of the port-captain return to the shore with
the news that the strange ship had arrived with my Lord Chatterino,
my Lady Chatterissa and Dr. Reasono than there was a general burst
of joy along the strand. In a very short time the king--alias his
eldest first cousin of the male gender--ordered the usual
compliments to be paid to his distinguished subjects. A deputation
of young lords the hopes of Leaphigh came off to receive their
colleague; whilst a bevy of beautiful maidens of noble birth crowded
around the smiling and graceful Chatterissa, gladdening her heart
with their caressing manners and felicitations. The noble pair left
us in separate boats, each attended by an appropriate escort. We
overlooked the little neglect of forgetting to take leave of us, for
joy had quite set them both beside themselves. Next came a long
procession composed of high numbers, all of the "brown-study color."
These learned and dignified persons were a deputation from the
academy, which had sent forth no less than forty of its number to
receive Dr. Reasono. The meeting between these loving friends of
monikinity and of knowledge, was conducted on the most approved
principles of reason. Each section (there are forty in the academy
of Leaphigh) made an address, to all of which the Doctor returned
suitable replies, always using exactly the same sentiments, but
varying the subject by transpositions, as dictionaries are known to
be composed by the ingenious combinations of the twenty-six letters
of the alphabet. Dr. Reasono withdrew with his coadjutors, to my
surprise paying not a whit more attention to Captain Poke and
myself, than would be paid in any highly-civilized country of
Christendom, on a similar occasion, by a collection of the learned,
to the accidental presence of two monkeys. I thought this augured
badly, and began to feel as became Sir John Goldencalf, Bart., of
Householder Hall, in the kingdom of Great Britain, when my
sensations were nipped in the bud by the arrival of the officers of
registration and circulation. It was the duty of the latter to give
us the proper passports to enter into and to circulate within the
country, after the former had properly enregistered our numbers and
colors, in such a way as to bring us within the reach of taxation.
The officer of registration was very expeditious from long practice.
He decided, at once, that I formed a new class by myself; of which,
of course, I was No. 1. The captain and his two mates formed
another, Nos. 1, 2, and 3. Bob had a class also to himself, and the
honors of No. 1; and the crew formed a fresh class, being numbered
according to height, as the register deemed their merits to be
altogether physical. Next came the important point of color, on
which depended the quality of the class or caste, the numbers merely
indicating our respective stations in the particular divisions.
After a good deal of deliberation, and many interrogatories, I was
enregistered as No. 1, flesh-color. Noah as No. 1, sea-water color,
and his mates 2 and 3, accordingly. Bob as No. 1, smut-color, and
the crew as Nos. 1, 2, 3, etc., tar-color. The officer now called
upon an assistant to come forth with a sort of knitting-needle
heated red-hot, in order to affix the official stamp to each in
succession. Luckily for us all, Noah happened to be the first to
whom the agent of the stamp-office applied, to uncase and to prepare
for the operation. The result was one of those bursts of eloquent
and logical vituperation, and of remonstrating outcries, to which
any new personal exaction never failed to give birth in the sealer.
His discourse on this occasion might be divided into the several
following heads, all of which were very ingeniously embellished by
the usual expletives and imagery:--"He was not a beast to be branded
like a horse, nor a slave to be treated like a Congo nigger; he saw
no use in applying the marks to men, who were sufficiently
distinguished from monkeys already; Sir John had a handle before his
name, and if he liked it, he might carry his name behind his body,
by way of counterpoise, but for his part, he wanted no outriggers of
the sort, being satisfied with plain Noah Poke; he was a republican,
and it was anti-republican for a man to carry about with him graven
images; he thought it might be even flying in the face of the
Scriptures, or what was worse, turning his back on them; he said
that the Walrus had her name, in good legible characters on her
starn, and that might answer for both of them; he protested, d--n
his eyes, that he wouldn't be branded like a thief; he incontinently
wished the keeper of the privy seal to the d---l; he insisted there
was no use in the practice, unless one threw all aback, and went
starn foremost into society, a rudeness at which human natur'
revolted; he knew a man in Stunin'tun who had five names, and he
should like to know what they would do with him, if this practice
should come into fashion there; he had no objection to a little
paint, but no red-hot knitting-needle should make acquaintance with
his flesh, so long as he walked his quarter-deck."

The keeper of the seals listened to this remonstrance with singular
patience and decorum; a forbearance that was probably owing to his
not understanding a word that had been said. But there is a language
that is universal, and it is not less easy to comprehend when a man
is in a passion, than it is to comprehend any other irritated
animal. The officer of the registration department, on this hint,
politely inquired of me, if some part of his official duties were
not particularly disagreeable to No. 1, sea-water color. On my
admitting that the captain was reluctant to be branded, he merely
shrugged his shoulders, and observed that the exactions of the
public were seldom agreeable, but that duty was duty, that the stamp
act was peremptory, and not a foot of ours could touch Leaphigh
until we were all checked off in this manner, in exact conformity
with the registration. I was much puzzled what to do, by this
indomitable purpose to perform his duty in the officer; for, to own
the truth, my own cuticle had quite as much aversion to the
operation, as of Captain Poke himself. It was not the principle so
much as the novelty of its application which distressed me; for I
had travelled too much not to know that a stranger rarely enters a
civilized country without being more or less skinned, the merest
savages only permitting him to pass unscathed. It suddenly came to
my recollection that the monikins had left all the remains of their
particular stores on board, consisting of an ample supply of
delicious nuts. Sending for a bag of the best of them, I ordered it
to be put into the register's boat, informing him at the same time,
that I was conscious they were quite unworthy of him, but that I
hoped, such as they were, he would allow me to make an offering of
them to his wife. This attention was properly felt and received; and
a few minutes afterwards, a certificate in the following words was
put into my hands, viz.:

"Leaphigh, season of promise, day of performance: Whereas, certain
persons of the human species have lately presented themselves to be
enregistered, according to the statute 'for the promotion of order
and classification, and for the collection of contributions'; and
whereas, these persons are yet in the second class of the animal
probation, and are more subject to bodily impressions than the
higher, or monikin species: Now, know all monikins, etc., that they
are stamped in paint, and that only by their numbers; each class
among them being easily to be distinguished from the others, by
outward and indelible proofs.

"Signed,

"No. 8,020 office-color."

I was told that all we had to do now was to mark ourselves with
paint or tar, as we might choose, the latter being recommended for
the crew; taking no further trouble than to number ourselves; and
when we went ashore, if any of the gens-d'armes inquired why we had
not the legal impression on our persons, which quite possibly would
be the case, as the law was absolute in its requisitions, all we had
to do was to show the certificate; but if the certificate was not
sufficient, we were men of the world, and understood the nature of
things so well, that we did not require to be taught so simple a
proposition in philosophy, as that which says, "like causes produce
like effects"; and he presumed I could not have so far overrated his
merits, as to have sent the whole of my nuts into his boat. I avow
that I was not very sorry to hear the officer throw out these hints,
for they convinced me that my journey through Leaphigh would be
accompanied with less embarrassment than I had anticipated, since I
now plainly perceived that monikins act on principles that are not
very essentially different from those of the human race in general.

The complaisant register and the keeper of the privy seal took their
departure together, when we forthwith proceeded to number ourselves
in compliance with his advice. As the principle was already settled,
we had no difficulty with its application, Noah, Bob, myself, and
the largest of the seamen being all Nos. 1, and the rest ranking in
order. By this time it was night. The guard-boats began to appear on
the water, and we deferred disembarking until morning.

All hands were early afoot. It had been arranged that Captain Poke
and myself, attended by Bob, as a domestic, were to land, in order
to make a journey through the island, while the Walrus was to be
left in charge of the mates and the crew; the latter having
permission to go ashore, from time to time, as is the practice with
all seamen in port. There was a great deal of preliminary scrubbing
and shaving, before the whole party could appear on deck, properly
attired for the occasion. Mr. Poke wore a thin dress of linen,
admirably designed to make him look like a sea-lion; a conceit that
he said was not only agreeable to his feelings and habits, but which
had a cool and pleasant character that was altogether suited to a
steam-climate. For my own part, I agreed with the worthy sealer,
seeing but little difference between his going in this garb, and his
going quite naked. My dress was made, on a design of my own, after
the social-stake system; or, in other words, it was so arranged as
to take an interest in half of the animals of Exeter Change, to
which MENAGERIE the artist by whom it had been painted was sent
expressly, in order to consult nature. Bob wore the effigy, as his
master called it, of a turnspit.

The monikins were by far too polished to crowd about us when we
landed, with an impertinent and troublesome curiosity. So far from
this, we were permitted to approach the capital itself without let
or hindrance. As it is less my intention to describe physical things
than to dwell upon the philosophy and the other moral aspects of the
Leaphigh world, little more will be said of their houses, domestic
economy, and other improvements in the arts, than may be gathered
incidentally, as the narrative shall proceed. Let it suffice to say
on these heads, that the Leaphigh monikins, like men, consult, or
think they consult--which, so long as they know no better, amounts
to pretty much the same thing--their own convenience in all things,
the pocket alone excepted; and that they continue very laudably to
do as their fathers did before them, seldom making changes, unless
they may happen to possess the recommendation of being exotics;
when, indeed, they are sometimes adopted, probably on account of
their possessing the merit of having been proved suitable to another
state of things.

Among the first persons we met, on entering the great square of
Aggregation, as the capital of Leaphigh is called when rendered into
English, was my Lord Chatterino. He was gayly promenading with a
company of young nobles, who all seemed to be enjoying their youth,
health, rank, and privileges with infinite gusto. We met this party
in a way to render an escape from mutual recognition impossible. At
first I thought, from his averted eye, that it was the intention of
our late shipmate to consider our knowledge of each other as one of
those accidental acquaintances which, it is known, we all form at
watering-places, on journeys, or in the country, and which it is
ill-mannered to press upon others in town; or, as Captain Poke
afterwards expressed it, like the intimacy between an Englishman and
a Yankee, that has been formed in the house of the latter, on better
wine than is met with anywhere else, and which was never yet known
to withstand the influence of a British fog. "Why, Sir John," the
sealer added, "I once tuck (he meant to say TOOK, not TUCKED) a
countryman of yours under my wing, at Stunin'tun, during the last
war. He was a prisoner, as we make prisoners; that is, he went and
did pretty much as he pleased; and the fellow had the best of
everything--molasses that a spoon would stand up in, pork that would
do to slush down a topmast, and New England rum, that a king might
set down to, but could not get up from--well, what was the end on't?
Why, as sure as we are among these monkeys, the fellow BOOKED me.
Had I BOOKED but the half of what he guzzled, the amount, I do
believe, would have taken the transaction out of any justice's court
in the state. He said my molasses was meagre, the pork lean, and the
liquor infernal. There were truth and gratitude for you! He gave the
whul account, too, as a specimen of what he called American living!"

Hereupon I reminded my companion, that an Englishman did not like to
receive even favors on compulsion; that when he meets a stranger in
his own country, and is master of his own actions, no man
understands better what true hospitality is, as I hoped one day to
show him, at Householder Hall; as to his first remark, he ought to
remember that an Englishman considered America as no more than the
country, and that it would be ill-mannered to press an acquaintance
made there.

Noah, like most other men, was very reasonable on all subjects that
did not interfere with his prejudices or his opinions; and he very
readily admitted the general justice of my reply.

"It's pretty much as you say, Sir John," he continued; "in England
you may press men, but it won't do to press hospitality. Get a
volunteer in this way, and he is as good a fellow as heart can wish.
I shouldn't have cared so much about the chap's book, if he had said
nothin' ag'in the rum. Why, Sir John, when the English bombarded
Stunin'tun with eighteen pounders, I proposed to load our old twelve
with a gallon out of the very same cask, for I do think it would
have huv' the shot the best part of a mile!"

--But this digression is leading me from the narrative. My Lord
Chatterino turned his head a little on one side as we were passing,
and I was deliberating whether, under the circumstances, it would be
well-bred to remind him of our old acquaintance, when the question
was settled by the decision of Captain Poke, who placed himself in
such a position that it was no easy matter to get round him, through
him, or over him--or who laid himself what he called "athwart
hawse."

"Good morning, my lord," said the straightforward seaman, who
generally went at a subject as he went at a seal. "A fine warm day;
and the smell of the land, after so long a passage, is quite
agreeable to the nose, whatever its ups and downs may be to the
legs."

The companions of the young peer looked amazed; and some of them, I
thought, notwithstanding gravity and earnestness are rather
characteristic of the monikin physiognomy, betrayed a slight
disposition to laugh. Not so with my Lord Chatterino himself.

He examined us a moment through a glass, and then seemed suddenly,
and on the whole, agreeably struck at seeing us.

"How, Goldencalf!" he cried in surprise, "you in Leaphigh! This is
indeed an unexpected satisfaction; for it will now be in my power to
prove some of the facts that I am telling my friends, by actual
observation. Here are two of the humans, gents, of whom I was but
this moment giving you some account--"

Observing a disposition to merriment in his associates, he
continued, looking exceedingly grave:--

"Restrain yourselves, gentlemen, I pray you. These are very worthy
people, I do assure you, in their own way, and are not at all to be
ridiculed. I scarcely know, even in our own marine, a better or a
bolder navigator than this honest seaman; and as for the one in the
parti-colored skin, I will take upon myself to say, that he is
really a person of some consideration in his own little circle. He
is, I believe, a member of par--par--par--am I right, Sir John?--a
member of--"

"Parliament, my lord--an M.P."

"Ay--I thought I had it--an M.P., or a member of Parliament, in his
own country, which, I dare say now, is some such thing among his
people, as a public proclaimer of those laws which come from his
majesty's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, may be among
us. Some such thing--eh--now--eh--is it not, Sir John?"

"I dare say it is, my lord."

"All very true, Chatterino," put in one of the young monikins, with
a very long, elaborated tail, which he carried nearly perpendicular-
-"but what would be even a lawmaker--to say nothing of law-BREAKERS
like ourselves--among men! You should remember, my dear fellow, that
a mere title, or a profession, is not the criterion of true
greatness; but that the prodigy of a village may be a very common
monikin in town."

"Poh-poh"--interrupted Lord Chatterino, "thou art ever for refining,
Hightail--Sir John Goldencalf is a very respectable person in the
island of--a--a--a--what do you call that said island of yours,
Goldencalf?--a--a--"

"Great Britain, my lord."

"Ay, Great Breeches sure enough; yet, he is a respectable person--I
can take it upon myself to say, with confidence, a very respectable
person in Great Breeches. I dare say he owns no small portion of the
island himself. How much, now, Sir John, if the truth were told?"

"Only the estate and village of Householder, my lord, with a few
scattered manors here and there."

"Well, that is a very pretty thing, there can be no doubt--then you
have money at use?"

"And who is the debtor?" sneeringly inquired the jack-a-napes
Hightail.

"No other, my Lord Hightail, than the realm of Great Britain."

"Exquisite, that, egad! A noble's fortune in the custody of the
realm of a--Greek--a--"

"Great Breeches," interrupted my Lord Chatterino, who,
notwithstanding he swore he was excessively angry with his friend
for his obstinate incredulity, very evidently had to exercise some
forbearance to keep from joining in the general laugh. "It is a very
respectable country, I do protest; and I scarcely remember to have
tasted better gooseberries than they grow in that very island."

"What! have they really gardens, Chatterino?"

"Certainly--after a fashion--and houses, and public conveyances--and
even universities."

"You do not mean to say, certainly, that they have a system!"

"Why, as to system, I believe they are a little at sixes and sevens.
I really can't take it upon myself to say that they have a system."

"Oh, yes, my lord--of a certainty we have one--the social stake
system."

"Ask the creature," whispered audibly the filthy coxcomb Hightail,
"if he himself, now, has any income."

"How is it, Sir John--have you an income?"

"Yes, my lord, of one hundred and twelve thousand sovereigns a
year."

"Of what?--of what?" demanded two or three voices, with well-bred,
subdued eagerness.

"Of sovereigns--why that means kings!"

It would appear that the Leaphighers, while they obey only the
king's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, perform all
their official acts in the name of the sovereign himself, for whose
person and character they pretty uniformly express the profoundest
veneration; just as we men express admiration for a virtue that we
never practise. My declaration, therefore, produced a strong
sensation, and I was soon required to explain myself. This I did, by
simply stating the truth.

"Oh, gold, yclept sovereigns!" exclaimed three or four, laughing
heartily. "Why then, your famous Great Breeches people, after all,
Chatterino, are so little advanced in civilization as to use gold!
Harkee, Signior--a--a--Boldercraft, have you no currency in
'promises'?"

"I do not know, sir, that I rightly comprehend the question."

"Why, we poor barbarians, sir, who live as you see us, only in a
state of simplicity and nature,"--there was irony in every syllable
the impudent scoundrel uttered--"we poor wretches, or rather our
ancestors, made the discovery, that for the purposes of convenience,
having, as you perceive, no pockets, it might be well to convert all
our currency into 'promises.' Now, I would ask if you have any of
that coin?"

"Not as coin, sir, but as collateral to coin, we have plenty."

"He speaks of collaterals in currency, as if he were discussing a
pedigree! Are you really, Mynherr Shouldercalf, so little advanced
in your country, as not to know the immense advantages of a currency
of 'promises'?"

"As I do not understand exactly what the nature of this currency is,
sir, I cannot answer as readily as I could wish."

"Let us explain it to him; for, I vow, I am really curious to hear
his answer. Chatterino, do you, who have some knowledge of the
thing's habits, be our interpreter."

"The matter is thus, Sir John. About five hundred years ago, our
ancestors, having reached that pass in civilization when they came
to dispense with the use of pockets, began to find it necessary to
substitute a new currency for that of the metals, which it was
inconvenient to carry, of which they might be robbed, and which also
was liable to be counterfeited. The first expedient was to try a
lighter substitute. Laws were passed giving value to linen and
cotton, in the raw material; then compounded and manufactured; next,
written on, and reduced in bulk, until, having passed through the
several gradations of wrapping-paper, brown-paper, foolscap and
blotting-paper, and having set the plan fairly at work, and got
confidence thoroughly established, the system was perfected by a
coup de main,--'promises' in words were substituted for all other
coin. You see the advantage at a glance. A monikin can travel
without pockets or baggage, and still carry a million; the money
cannot be counterfeited, nor can it be stolen or burned."

"But, my lord, does it not depreciate the value of property?"

"Just the contrary;--an acre that formerly could be bought for one
promise, would now bring a thousand."

"This, certainly, is a great improvement, unless frequent failures--
"

"Not at all; there has not been a bankruptcy in Leaphigh since the
law was passed making promises a legal tender."

 "I wonder no chancellor of the exchequer ever thought of this, at
home!"

"So much for your Great Breeches, Chatterino!" And then there was
another and a very general laugh. I never before felt so deep a
sense of national humility.

"As they have universities," cried another coxcomb, "perhaps this
person has attended one of them."

"Indeed, sir," I answered, "I am regularly graduated."

"It is not easy to see what he has done with his knowledge--for,
though my sight is none of the worst, I cannot trace the smallest
sign of a cauda about him."

"Ah!" Lord Chatterino good-naturedly exclaimed, "the inhabitants of
Great Breeches carry their brains in their heads."

"Their heads!"

"Heads!"

"That's excellent, by his majesty's prerogative! Here's
civilization, with a vengeance!"

I now thought that the general ridicule would overwhelm me. Two or
three came closer, as if in pity or curiosity; and, at last, one
cried out that I actually wore clothes.

"Clothes--the wretch! Chatterino, do all your human friends wear
clothes?"

The young peer was obliged to confess the truth; and then there
arose such a clamor as may be fancied took place among the peacocks,
when they discovered the daw among them in masquerade. Human nature
could endure no more; and bowing to the company, I wished Lord
Chatterino, very hurriedly, good-morning, and proceeded towards the
tavern.

"Don't forget to step into Chatterino House, Goldencalf, before you
sail," cried my late fellow-traveller, looking over his shoulder,
and nodding in quite a friendly way towards me.

"King!" exclaimed Captain Poke. "That blackguard ate a whole bread-
locker-full of nuts on our outward passage, and now he tells us to
step into his Chatterino House, before we sail!"

I endeavored to pacify the sealer, by an appeal to his philosophy.
It was true that men never forgot obligations, and were always
excessively anxious to repay them; but the monikins were an
exceedingly instructed species; they thought more of their minds
than of their bodies, as was plain by comparing the smallness of the
latter with the length and development of the seat of reason; and
one of his experience should know that good-breeding is decidedly an
arbitrary quality, and that we ought to respect its laws, however
opposed to our own previous practices.

"I dare say, friend Noah, you may have observed some material
difference in the usages of Paris, for instance, and those of
Stunin'tun."

"That I have, Sir John, that I have; and altogether to the advantage
of Stunin'tun be they."

"We are all addicted to the weakness of believing our own customs
best; and it requires that we should travel much, before we are able
to decide on points so nice."

"And do you not call me a traveller! Haven't I been sixteen times a-
sealing, twice a-whaling, without counting my cruise overland, and
this last run to Leaphigh!"

"Ay, you have gone over much land and much water, Mr. Poke; but your
stay in any given place has been just long enough to find fault.
Usages must be worn, like a shoe, before one can judge of the fit."

It is possible Noah would have retorted, had not Mrs. Vigilance
Lynx, at that moment, come wriggling by, in a way to show she was
much satisfied with her safe return home. To own the truth, while
striving to find apologies for it, I had been a little contraire, as
the French term it, by the indifference of my Lord Chatterino,
which, in my secret heart, I was not slow in attributing to the
manner in which a peer of the realm of Leaphigh regarded, de haut en
bas, a mere baronet of Great Britain--or Great Breeches, as the
young noble so pertinaciously insisted on terming our illustrious
island. Now as Mrs. Vigilance was of "russet-color," a caste of an
inferior standing, I had little doubt that she would be as glad to
own an intimacy with Sir John Goldencalf of Householder Hall, as the
other might be willing to shuffle it off.

"Good-morrow, good Mrs. Vigilance," I said familiarly, endeavoring
to wriggle in a way that WOULD have shaken a tail, had it been my
good fortune to be the owner of one--"Good-morrow, good Mrs.
Vigilance--I'm glad to meet you again on shore."

I do not remember that Mrs. Vigilance, during the whole period of
our acquaintance, was particularly squeamish, or topping in her
deportment. On the contrary, she had rather made herself remarkable
for a modest and commendable reserve. But on the present occasion,
she disappointed all reasonable expectation, by shrinking on one
side, uttering a slight scream, and hurrying past as if she thought
we might bite her. Indeed, I can only compare her deportment to that
of a female of our own, who is so full of vanity as to fancy all
eyes on her, and who gives herself airs about a dog or a spider,
because she thinks they make her look so much the more interesting.
Conversation was quite out of the question; for the duenna hurried
on, bending her head downwards, as if heartily ashamed of an
involuntary weakness.

"Well, good madam," said Noah, whose stern eye followed her
movements until she was quite lost in the crowd, "you would have had
a sleepless v'yage, if I had foreimagined this! Sir John, these
people stare at us as if we were wild beasts!"

"I cannot say I am of your way of thinking, Captain Poke. To me they
seem to take no more notice of us, than we should take of two curs
in the streets of London."

"I begin now to understand what the parsons mean when they talk of
the lost condition of man. It's ra'ally awful to witness to what a
state of unfeelingness a people can be abandoned! Bob, get out of
the way, you grinning blackguard."

Hereupon Bob received a salutation which would have demolished his
stern-frame, had it not been for the unionjack. Just then I was glad
to see Dr. Reasono advancing towards us, surrounded by a group of
attentive listeners, all of whom, by their years, gravity, and
deportment, I made no question were savants. As he drew near, I
found he was discoursing of the marvels of his late voyage. When
within six feet of us the whole party stopped, the Doctor continuing
to descant with a very proper gesticulation, and in a way to show
that his subject was of infinite interest to his listeners.
Accidentally turning his eye in our direction, he caught a glimpse
of our figures, and making a few hurried apologies to those around
him, the excellent philosopher came eagerly forward, with both hands
extended. Here was a difference, indeed, between his treatment and
that of Lord Chatterino and the duenna! The salutation was warmly
returned; and the Doctor and myself stepped a little apart, as he
lost no time in informing me he wished to say a word in private.

"My dear Sir John," the philosopher began, "our arrival has been the
most happily-timed thing imaginable! All Leaphigh, by this time, is
filled with the subject; and you can scarcely conceive the
importance that is attached to the event. New sources of trade,
scientific discoveries, phenomena both moral and physical, and
results that it is thought may serve to raise the monikin
civilization still higher than ever! Fortunately, the academy holds
its most solemn meeting of the year this very day, and I have been
formally requested to give the assembly an outline of those events
which have lately passed before my eyes. The king's eldest first
cousin of the masculine gender is to attend openly; and it is even
conjectured, in a way to be quite authentic, that the king himself
will be present in his own royal person."

"How!" I exclaimed, "have you a mode, in Leaphigh, of rendering
conjectures certain?"

"Beyond a doubt, sir, or what would our civilization be worth? As to
the king's majesty, we always deal in the most direct ambiguities.
Now as respects many of our ceremonies, the sovereign is known
morally to be present, when he may be actually and physically eating
his dinner at the other extremity of the island; this important
illustration of the royal ubiquity is effected by means of a legal
fiction. On the other hand, the king often indulges his natural
propensities, such as curiosity, love of fun, or detestation of
ennui, by coming in person, when, by the court fiction, he is
thought to be seated on his throne, in his own royal palace. Oh! as
to all these little accomplishments and graces in the art of truths,
we are behind no people in the universe!"

"I beg pardon, Doctor--so his majesty is expected to be at the
academy this morning?"

"In a private box. Now this affair is of the last importance to me
as a savant, to you as a human being--for it will have a tendency to
raise your whole species in the monikin estimation--and, lastly, to
learning. It will be indispensably necessary that you should attend,
with as many of your companions as possible, more especially the
better specimens. I was coming down to the landing in the hope of
meeting you; and a messenger has gone off to the ship to require
that the people be sent ashore forthwith. You will have a tribune to
yourselves; and, really, I do not like to express beforehand what I
think concerning the degree of attention you will all receive; but
this much I think I can say--you will see."

"This proposition, Doctor, has taken me a little by surprise, and I
hardly know what answer to give."

"You cannot say no, Sir John; for should his majesty hear that you
have refused to come to a meeting at which he is to be present, it
would seriously, and, I might add, justly offend him, nor could I
answer for the consequences."

"Why, I was told that all the power was in the hands of his
majesty's eldest first cousin of the masculine gender; in which case
I thought I might snap my fingers at his majesty himself."

"Not in opinion, Sir John, which is one of the three estates of the
government. Ours is a government of three estates--viz., the law,
opinion, and practice. By law the king rules, by practice his cousin
rules, and by opinion the king again rules. Thus, is the strong
point of practice balanced by law and opinion. This it is that
constitutes the harmony and perfection of the system. No, it would
never do to offend his majesty."

Although I did not very well comprehend the Doctor's argument, yet,
as I had often found in human society, theories political, moral,
theological, and philosophical, that everybody had faith in, and
which nobody understood, I thought discussion useless, and gave up
the point by promising the Doctor to be at the academy in half an
hour, which was the time named for our appearance. Taking the
necessary directions to find the place, we separated; he to hasten
to make his preparations, and I to reach the tavern, in order to
deposit our baggage, that no decency might be overlooked on an
occasion so solemn.




CHAPTER XVI.

AN INN--DEBTS PAID IN ADVANCE, AND A SINGULAR TOUCH OF HUMAN NATURE
FOUND CLOSELY INCORPORATED WITH MONIKIN NATURE,


We soon secured rooms, ordered dinner, brushed our clothes, and made
the other little arrangements that it was necessary to observe for
the credit of the species. Everything being ready, we left the inn,
and hurried towards the "Palais des Arts et des Sciences." We had
not got out of sight of the inn, however, before one of its garcons
was at our heels with a message from his mistress. He told us, in
very respectful tones, that his master was out, and that he had
taken with him the key of the strong-box; that there was not
actually money enough in the drawer to furnish an entertainment for
such great persons as ourselves, and she had taken the liberty to
send us a bill receipted, with a request that we would make a small
advance, rather than reduce her to the mortification of treating
such distinguished guests in an unworthy manner. The bill read as
follows:--

No. 1 parti-color and friends,

To No. 82,763 grape-color.                              Dr.
To use of apartments, with meals and lights, as per
agreement, p.p. 300 per diem--one day,                  p.p. 300
By cash advanced,                                             50
                                                             ----
                                           Balance due, p.p. 250

"This seems all right," I observed to Noah; but I am, at this
moment, as penniless as the good woman herself. I really do not see
what we are to do, unless Bob sends her back his store of nuts--"

"Harkee, my nimble-go-hop," put in the seaman, "what is your
pleasure?"

The waiter referred to the bill, as expressing his mistress's wants.

"What are these p. p. that I find noted in the bill--play or pay,
hey?"

"Promises, of course, your honor."

"Oh! then you desire fifty promises, to provide our dinner."

"Nothing more, sir. With that sum you shall dine like noblemen--ay,
sir, like aldermen."

I was delighted to find that this worthy class of beings have the
same propensities in all countries.

"Here, take a hundred," answered Noah, snapping his fingers, "and
make no bones of it. And harkee, my worthy--lay out every farthing
of them in the fare. Let there be good cheer, and no one will
grumble at the bill. I am ready to buy the inn, and all it holds, at
need."

The waiter departed well satisfied with these assurances, and
apparently in the anticipation of good vails for his own trouble.

We soon got into the current that was setting towards our place of
destination. On reaching the gate, we found that we were anxiously
expected; for there was an attendant in waiting, who instantly
conducted us to the seats that were provided for our special
reception. It is always agreeable to be among the privileged, and I
must own that we were all not a little flattered, on finding that an
elevated tribune had been prepared for us, in the centre of the
rotunda in which the academy held its sittings, so that we could
see, and be seen by, every individual of the crowded assembly. The
whole crew, even to the negro cook, had preceded us; an additional
compliment, that I did not fail to acknowledge by suitable
salutations to all the members present. After the first feelings of
pleasure and surprise were a little abated, I had leisure to look
about me and to survey the company.

The academicians occupied the whole of the body of the rotunda, the
space taken up by the erection of our temporary tribune alone
excepted, while there were sofas, chairs, tribunes, and benches
arranged for the spectators, in the outer circles, and along the
side-walls of the hall. As the edifice itself was very large, and
mind had so essentially reduced matter in the monikin species, there
could not have been less than fifty thousand tails present. Just
before the ceremonies commenced, Dr. Reasono approached our
tribbune, passing from one to another of the party, saying a
pleasant and encouraging word to each, in a way to create high
expectations in us all as to what was to follow. We were so very
evidently honored and distinguished, that I struggled hard to subdue
any unworthy feeling of pride, as unbecoming human meekness, and in
order to maintain a philosophical equanimity under the
manifestations of respect and gratitude that I knew were about to be
lavished upon even the meanest of our party. The Doctor was yet in
the midst of his pointed attentions, when the king's eldest first
cousin of the masculine gender entered, and the business of the
meeting immediately began. I profited by a short pause, however, to
say a few words to my companions. I told them that there would soon
be a serious demand on their modesty. We had performed a great and
generous exploit, and it did not become us to lessen its merit by
betraying a vainglorious self-esteem. I implored them all to take
pattern by me; promising, in the end, that their new friends would
trebly prize their hardihood, self-denial, and skill.

There was a new member of the academy of Latent Sympathies to be
received and installed. A long discourse was read by one of this
department of the monikin learning, which pointed out and enlarged
on the rare merits of the new academician. He was followed by the
latter; who in a very elaborate production, that consumed just
fifty-five minutes in the reading, tried all he could to persuade
the audience that the defunct was a loss to the world, that no
accident or application would ever repair, and that he himself was
precisely the worst person who could have been selected to be his
successor. I was a little surprised at the perfect coolness with
which the learned body listened to a reproach that was so very
distinctly and perseveringly thrown, as it were, into their very
teeth. But a more intimate acquaintance with monikin society
satisfied me, that any one might say just what he pleased, so long
as he allowed that every one else was an excellent fellow, and he
himself the poorest devil going. When the new member had
triumphantly established his position, and just as I thought the
colleagues were bound, in common honesty, to reconsider their vote,
he concluded, and took his seat among them with quite as much
assurance as the best philosopher of them all.

After a short pause, and an abundance of felicitations on his
excellent and self-abasing discourse, the newly admitted member
again rose, and began to read an essay on some discoveries he had
made in the science of Latent Sympathies. According to his account
of the matter, every monikin possessed a fluid which was invisible,
like the animalcula which pervade nature, and which required only to
be brought into command, and to be reduced into more rigid laws, to
become the substitute for the senses of sight, touch, taste,
hearing, and smelling. This fluid was communicable; and had already
been so far rendered subject to the will, as to make it of service
in seeing in the dark, in smelling when the operator had a bad cold,
in tasting when the palate was down, and in touching by proxy. Ideas
had been transmitted, through its agency, sixty-two leagues in one
minute and a half. Two monikins, who were afflicted with diseased
tails, had during the last two years, been insulated and saturated,
and had then lost those embellishments, by operations; a quantity of
the fluid having been substituted in their places so happily, that
the patients fancied themselves more than ever conspicuous for the
length and finesse of their caudce. An experiment had also been
successfully tried on a member of the lower house of parliament,
who, being married to a monikina of unusual mind, had for a long
time been supplied with ideas from this source, although his partner
was compelled to remain at home, in order to superintend the
management of their estate, forty-two miles from town, during the
whole session. He particularly recommended to government the
promotion of this science, as it might be useful in obtaining
evidence for the purposes of justice, in detecting conspiracies, in
collecting the taxes, and selecting candidates for trusts of a
responsible nature. The suggestion was well received by the king's
cousin, more especially those parts that alluded to sedition and the
revenue.

This essay was also perfectly well received by the savans, for I
afterwards found very little came amiss to the academy; and the
members named a committee forthwith, to examine into "the facts
concerning invisible and unknown fluids, their agency, importance,
and relations to monikin happiness."

We were next favored with a discussion on the different
significations of the word gorstchwzyb; which, rendered into
English, means "eh!" The celebrated philologist who treated the
subject, discovered amazing ingenuity in expatiating on its
ramifications and deductions. First he tried the letters by
transpositions, by which he triumphantly proved that it was derived
from all the languages of the ancients; the same process showed that
it possessed four thousand and two different significations; he next
reasoned most ably and comprehensively for ten minutes, backwards
and forwards, using no other word but this, applied in its various
senses; after which, he incontrovertibly established that this
important part of speech was so useful as to be useless, and he
concluded by a proposition, in which the academy coincided by
acclamation, that it should be forever and incontinently expunged
from the Leaphigh vocabulary. As the vote was carried by
acclamation, the king's cousin arose, and declared that the writer
who should so far offend against good taste, as hereafter to make
use of the condemned word, should have two inches cut off the
extremity of his tail. A shudder among the ladies, who, I afterwards
ascertained, loved to carry their caudae as high as our women like
to carry their heads, proved the severity of the decree.

An experienced and seemingly much respected member now arose to make
the following proposal. He said it was known that the monikin
species were fast approaching perfection; that the increase of mind
and the decrease of matter were so very apparent as to admit of no
denial; that, in his own case, he found his physical powers diminish
daily, while his mental acquired new distinctness and force; that he
could no longer see without spectacles, hear without a tube, or
taste without high seasoning; from all this he inferred that they
were drawing near to some important change, and he wished that
portion of the science of Latent Sympathies which was connected with
the unknown fluid just treated on, might be referred to a committee
on the whole, in order to make some provision for the wants of a
time when monikins should finally lose their senses. There was
nothing to say against a proposition so plausible, and it was
accepted nemine contradicente, with the exception of a few in the
minority.

There was now a good deal of whispering, much wagging of tails, and
other indications that the real business of the meeting was about to
be touched upon. All eyes were turned on Dr. Reasono, who, after a
suitable pause, entered a tribune prepared for solemn occasions, and
began his discourse.

The philosopher, who, having committed his essay to memory, spoke
extempore, commenced with a beautiful and most eloquent apostrophe
to learning, and to the enthusiasm which glows in the breasts of all
her real votaries, rendering them alike indifferent to their
personal ease, their temporal interests, danger, suffering, and
tribulations of the spirit. After this exordium, which was
pronounced to be unique for its simplicity and truth, he entered at
once on the history of his own recent adventures.

First alluding to the admirable character of that Leaphigh usage
which prescribes the Journey of Trial, our philosopher spoke of the
manner in which he had been selected to accompany my lord Chatterino
on an occasion so important to his future hopes. He dwelt on the
physical preparations, the previous study, and the moral machinery
that he had employed with his pupil, before they quitted town; all
of which, there is reason to think, were well fitted to their
objects, as he was constantly interrupted by murmurs of applause.
After some time spent in dilating on these points, I had, at length,
the satisfaction to find him, Mrs. Lynx, and their two wards, fairly
setting out on a journey which, as he very justly mentioned, proved
"to be pregnant with events of so much importance to knowledge in
general, to the happiness of the species, and to several highly
interesting branches of monikin science, in particular." I say the
satisfaction, for, to own the truth, I was eager to witness the
effect that would be made on the monikin sensibilities, when he came
to speak of my own discernment in detecting their real characters
beneath the contumely and disgrace in which it had been my good
fortune to find them, the promptitude with which I had stepped
forward to their relief, and the liberality and courage with which I
had furnished the means and encountered the risks that were
necessary to restore them to their native land. The anticipation of
this human triumph could not but diffuse a general satisfaction in
our own tribune--even the common mariners, as they recalled the
dangers through which they had passed, feeling a consciousness of
deserving, mingled with that soothing sentiment which is ever the
companion of a merited reward. As the philosopher drew nearer to the
time when it would be necessary to speak of us, I threw a look of
triumph at Lord Chatterino, which, however, failed of its intended
effect--the young peer continuing to whisper to his noble companions
with just is much self-importance and coolness as if he had not been
one of the rescued captives.

Dr. Reasono was justly celebrated, among his colleagues, for
ingenuity and eloquence. The excellent morals that he threw into
every possible opening of his subject, the beauty of the figures
with which they were illustrated, and the masculine tendencies of
his argument, gave general delight to the audience. The Journey of
Trial was made to appear, what it had been intended to be by the
fathers and sages of the Leaphigh institutions, a probation replete
with admonitions and instruction. The aged and experienced, who had
grown callous by time, could not conceal their exultation; the
mature and suffering looked grave and full of meditation; while the
young and sanguine fairly trembled, and for once, doubted. But, as
the philosopher led his party from precipice to precipice in safety,
as rocks were scaled and seductive valleys avoided, a common feeling
of security began to extend itself among the audience; and we all
followed him in his last experiment among the ice, with that sort of
blind confidence which the soldier comes, in time, to entertain in
the orders of a tried and victorious general.

The Doctor was graphic in his account of the manner in which he and
his wards plunged among these new trials. The lovely Chatterissa
(for all his travelling companions were present) bent aside her head
and blushed, as the philosopher alluded to the manner in which the
pure flame that glowed in her gentle bosom resisted the chill
influence of that cold region; and when he recited an ardent
declaration that my lord Chatterino had made on the centre of a
floe, and the kind and amorous answer of his mistress, I thought the
applause of the old academicians would have actually brought the
vaulted dome clattering about our ears.

At length he reached the point in the narrative where the amiable
wanderers fell in with the sealers, on that unknown island to which
chance and an adverse fortune had unhappily led them, in their
pilgrimage. I had taken measures secretly to instruct Mr. Poke and
the rest of my companions, as to the manner in which it became us to
demean ourselves, while the Doctor was acquainting the academy with
that first outrage committed by human cupidity, or the seizure of
himself and friends. We were to rise, in a body, and, turning our
faces a little on one side, veil our eyes in sign of shame. Less
than this, it struck me, could scarcely be done, without manifesting
an improper indifference to monikin rights; and more than this,
might have been identifying ourselves with the particular
individuals of the species who had perpetrated the wrong. But there
was no occasion to exhibit this delicate attention to our learned
hosts. The Doctor, with a refinement of feeling that did credit,
indeed, to monikin civilization, gave an ingenious turn to the whole
affair, which at once removed all cause of shame from our species;
and which, if it left reason for any to blush, by a noble act of
disinterestedness, threw the entire onus of the obligation on
himself. Instead of dwelling on the ruthless manner in which he and
his friends had been seized, the worthy Doctor very tranquilly
informed his listeners, that, finding himself, by hazard, brought in
contact with another species, and that the means of pushing
important discoveries were unexpectedly placed in his power;
conscious it had long been a desideratum with the savans to obtain a
nearer view and more correct notions of human society; believing he
had a discretion in the matter of his wards, and knowing that the
inhabitants of Leaplow, a republic which all disliked, were
seriously talking of sending out an expedition for this very
purpose, he had promptly decided to profit by events, to push
inquiry to the extent of his abilities, and to hazard all in the
cause of learning and truth, by at once engaging the vessel of the
sealers, and sailing, without dread of consequences, forthwith into
the very bosom of the world of man!

I have listened with awe to the thunder of the tropics--I have held
my breath as the artillery of a fleet vomited forth its fire, and
rent the air with sudden concussions--I have heard the roar of the
tumbling river of the Canadas, and I have stood aghast at the
crashing of a forest in a tornado;--but never before did I feel so
life-stirring, so thrilling an emotion of surprise, alarm, and
sympathy, as that which arose within me, at the burst of
commendation and delight with which this announcement of self-
devotion and enterprise was received by the audience. Tails waved,
pattes met each other in ecstasy, voice whistled to voice, and there
was one common cry of exultation, of rapture and of glorification,
at this proof, not of monikin, for that would have been frittering
away the triumph, but at this proof of Leaphigh courage.

During the clamor, I took an opportunity to express my satisfaction
at the handsome manner in which our friend the Doctor had passed
over an acknowledged human delinquency, and the ingenuity with which
he had turned the whole of the unhappy transaction to the glory of
Leaphigh. Noah answered that the philosopher had certainly shown a
knowledge of human natur', and he presumed of monikin natur', in the
matter; no one would now dispute his statement, since, as he knew by
experience, no one was so likely to be set down as a liar, as he who
endeavored to unsettle the good opinion that either a community or
an individual entertained of himself. This was the way at
Stunin'tun, and he believed this was pretty much the way at New
York, or he might say with the whole 'arth from pole to pole. As for
himself, however, he owned he should like to have a few minutes'
private conversation with the sealer in question, to hear his
account of the matter; he didn't know any owner in his part of the
world, who would bear a captain out, should be abandon a v'yage in
this way, on no better security than the promises of a monkey, and
of a monkey, too, who must, of necessity, be an utter stranger to
him.

When the tumult of applause had a little abated, Dr. Reasono
proceeded with his narrative. He touched lightly on the
accommodations of the schooner, which he gave us reason to think
were altogether of a quality beneath the condition of her
passengers; and he added that, falling in with a larger and fairer
vessel, which was making a passage between Bombay and Great Britain,
he profited by the occasion, to exchange ships. This vessel touched
at the island of St. Helena, where, according to the Doctor's
account of the matter, he found means to pass the greater part of a
week on shore.

Of the island of St. Helena he gave a long, scientific, and
certainly an interesting account. It was reported to be volcanic, by
the human savans, he said, but a minute examination and a comparison
of the geological formation, etc., had quite satisfied him that
their own ancient account, which was contained in the mineralogical
works of Leaphigh, was the true one; or, in other words, that this
rock was a fragment of the polar world that had been blown away at
the great eruption, and which had become separated from the rest of
the mass at this spot, where it had fallen and become a fixture of
the ocean. Here the Doctor produced certain specimens of rock, which
he submitted to the learned present, inviting their attention to its
character, and asking, with great mineralogical confidence, if it
did not intimately resemble a well-known stratum of a mountain,
within two leagues of the very spot they were in? This triumphant
proof of the truth of his proposition was admirably received; and
the philosopher was in particular rewarded by the smiles of all the
females present; for ladies usually are well pleased with any
demonstration that saves them the trouble of comparison and
reflection.

Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed
that, interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their
histories, and of the great revolutions of inanimate nature, there
was another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he felt certain,
would excite a lively emotion in the breasts of all who heard him.
At the period of his visit, the island had been selected as a prison
for a great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures; and
public attention was much drawn to the spot by this circumstance,
few men coming there who did not permit all their thoughts to be
absorbed by the past acts and the present fortunes of the individual
in question. As for himself, there was, of course, no great
attraction in any events connected with mere human greatness, the
little struggles and convulsions of the species containing no
particular interest for a devotee of the monikin philosophy; but the
manner in which all eyes were drawn in one direction, afforded him a
liberty of action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that, he
humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether unworthy of their
approbation. While searching for minerals among the cliffs, his
attention had been drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys,
in the language of those regions; which, from very obvious
affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to believe
might have had a common origin with the monikin species. The academy
would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the interesting
particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, funerals,
religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general moral
condition of this interesting people, with a view to ascertain
whether they were merely one of those abortions, to which, it is
known, nature is in the practice of giving birth, in the outward
appearance of their own species, or whether, as several of their
best writers had plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of
those whom they had been in the habit of designating as the "lost
monikins." He had succeeded in getting access to a family of these
beings, and in passing an entire day in their society. The result of
his investigations was, that they were truly of the monikin family,
retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the spiritual notions of
their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps
their improvable qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the
elements that had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth,
houseless, hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of
climate, and a great alteration of habits, had certainly wrought
some physical changes; but there still remained sufficient
scientific identity to prove they were monikins. They even retained,
in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful catastrophe by
which they were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures;
but these necessarily were vague and profitless. Having touched on
several other points connected with these very extraordinary facts,
the Doctor concluded by saying that he saw but one way in which this
discovery could be turned to any practical advantage, beyond the
confirmation it afforded of the truth of their own annals. He
suggested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among
these islands and seize upon a number of families, which, being
transported into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful menials,
who, while they would prove much less troublesome than those who
possessed all the knowledge of monikins, would probably be found
more intelligent and useful than any domestic animal which they at
present owned. This happy application of the subject met with
decided commendation. I observed that most of the elderly females
put their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be
congratulating each other on the prospect of being speedily relieved
from their household cares.

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his
finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he
engaged certain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a
tour he intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland,
France, etc., etc., etc. I listened with admiration. Never before
had I so lively a perception of the vast difference that is effected
in our views of matters and things, by the agency of an active
philosophy, as was now furnished by the narrative of the speaker.
Instead of complaining of the treatment he had received, and of the
degradations to which he and his companions had been subjected, he
spoke of it all as so much prudent submission, on his part, to the
customs of the countries in which he happened to find himself, and
as the means of ascertaining a thousand important facts, both moral
and physical, which he proposed to submit to the academy in a
separate memoir another day. At present, he was admonished by the
clock to conclude, and he would therefore hasten his narrative as
much as possible.

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly
have passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly
interesting portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he
had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble families. The
Journey of Trial had been completed under the most favorable
auspices, and the ladies naturally became anxious to return home.
They had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable
for maritime enterprise, where he immediately commenced the
necessary preparations for their sailing. A ship had been procured
under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, free of custom-
house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A thousand
applications had been made to him for permission to be of his party,
the natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized country; but
prudence had admonished him to accept of those only who were the
most likely to make themselves useful. The king of Great Britain, no
mean prince in human estimation, had committed his only son and
heir-apparent to his care, with a view to his improvement by
travelling; and the lord high admiral himself had asked permission
to take command of an expedition that was of so much importance to
knowledge in general, and to his own profession in particular.

Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the
academy as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as
her lord high admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about
the former, the smut in particular, which had become pretty
effectually incorporated with the skin, as so many signs of royal
birth; and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew forth the
union-jack that the lad carefully kept about his nether part as a
fender, and exhibited it as his armorial bearings--a modification of
its uses that would not have been very far out of the way, had
another limb been substituted for the agent. As for Captain Poke, he
requested the academicians to study his nautical air in general, as
furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the ordinary
appearance of human sea-men.

 Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the
travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very
respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I
had some pretension to be the discoverer of something that was
called the social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very
creditable discovery for one of my opportunities.

By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had
effectually changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of
waiting on me, was, in future, to receive that trifling attention at
my hands. The mates were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse,
and the crew was said to be composed of so many post-captains in the
navy of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was given to
understand that we were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals
from St. Helena, as so many specimens of the human species!

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of
himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had
all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so
common to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in
which we are viewed by others that I could not, on the whole,
complain as much of his representations as I had at first thought it
might become me to do. At all events, I was completely spared the
necessity of blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and
in other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my own
conduct under a consciousness of its attracting attention by its
singularity on the score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I
was both surprised and a little indignant; but the sudden and
unexpected turn that had been given to the whole affair, threw me so
completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I could not say a
word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey
Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators
that, on the whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow!

After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us,
taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and
otherwise showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their
study. The king's cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had
it announced to the assembly that we were entirely welcome to
Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all
promoted to the dignity of "honorary monikins," for the entire
period of our stay in the country. He also caused it to be
proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should
have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the Doctor
himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his former title of
F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. R. E., and
that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very
highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain. 
[*sic]

At length curiosity was appeased, and we we're permitted to descend
from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to
pay attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself,
I did not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a
proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter
a protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono
had permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the
rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh
philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well
received; and I was compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to
go in quest of the crew, with the conviction that the former had
been purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal natures of
the common seamen, I thought, would not fail to meet with better
success. Here, too, I was fated to encounter disappointment. The men
swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good
country. They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in
proportion to their new rank; and having tasted the sweets of
command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their good
fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the tar-pot.

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by
their unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint
of Mr. Poke's ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite
of the union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume
his old post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little
blackguard in the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were
lavishing their attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise
doing all they could to eradicate everything like humility, or any
good quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave
me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for he wore the union-
jack over his shoulder, in the manner of a royal mantle, while the
females of inferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air
with which he received this adulation, fairly imposed on even me;
and fearful that the monikinas might mob me, should I attempt to
undeceive them--for monikinas, let them be of what species they may,
always hug a delusion--I abandoned my hostile intentions for the
moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of
bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to a right way of
thinking.

The captain heard my remonstrances with a decent respect. He even
seemed to enter into my feelings with a proper degree of sympathy.
He very frankly admitted that I had not been well treated by Dr.
Reasono, and he appeared to think that a private conversation with
that individual might yet possibly have the effect of bringing him
to a more reasonable representation of facts. But, as to any sudden
and violent appeal to public opinion for justice, or an ill-advised
recourse to a notary, he strenuously objected to both. The purport
of his remarks was somewhat as follows:--

He was not acquainted with the Leaphigh law of protests, and, in
consequence, we might spend our money in paying fees, without
reaping any advantage; the Doctor, moreover, was a philosopher, an
F. U. D. G. E., and an H. O. A. X., and these were fearful odds to
contend against in any country, and more especially in a foreign
country; he had an innate dislike for lawsuits; the loss of my
station was certainly a grievance, but still it might be borne; as
for himself, he never asked for the office of lord high admiral of
Great Britain, but as it had been thrust upon him, why, he would do
his best to sustain the character; he knew his friends at Stunin'tun
would be glad to hear of his promotion, for, though in his country
there were no lords, nor even any admirals, his countrymen were
always exceedingly rejoiced whenever any of their fellow-citizens
were preferred to those stations by anybody but themselves, seeming
to think an honor conferred on one, was an honor conferred on the
whole nation; he liked to confer honor on his own nation, for no
people on 'arth tuck up a notion of this sort and divided it among
themselves in a way to give each a share, sooner than the people of
the States, though they were very cautious about leaving any portion
of the credit in first hands, and therefore he was disposed to keep
as much as he could while it was in his power; he believed he was a
better seaman than most of the lord high admirals who had gone
before him, and he had no fears on that score; he wondered whether
his promotion made Miss Poke lady high admiral; as I seemed greatly
put out about my own rank, he would give me the acting appointment
of a chaplain (he didn't think I was qualified to be a sea-officer),
and do doubt I had interest enough at home to get it confirmed; a
great statesman in his country had said "that few die and none
resigned," and he didn't like to be the first to set new fashions;
for his part, he rather looked upon Dr. Reasono as his friend, and
it was unpleasant to quarrel with one's friends; he was willing to
do anything in reason, but resign, and if I could persuade the
Doctor to say he had fallen into a mistake in my particular case,
and that I had been sent to Leaphigh as a lord high ambassador, lord
high priest, or lord high anything else, except lord high admiral,
why, he was ready to swear to it--though he now gave notice, that in
the event of such an arrangement, he should claim to rank me in
virtue of the date of his own commission; if he gave up his
appointment a minute sooner than was absolutely necessary, he should
lose his own self-respect, and never dare look Miss Poke in the face
again--on the whole, he should do no such thing; and, finally, he
wished me a good morning, as he was about to make a call on the lord
high admiral of Leaphigh.




CHAPTER XVII.

NEW LORDS, NEW LAWS--GYRATION, ROTATION, AND ANOTHER NATION; ALSO AN
INVITATION.


I felt that my situation had now become exceedingly peculiar. It is
true that my modesty had been unexpectedly spared, by the very
ingenious turn Dr. Reasono had given to the history of our
connection with each other; but I could not see that I had gained
any other advantage by the expedient. All my own species had, in a
sense, cut me; and I was obliged to turn despondingly, and not
without humiliation, towards the inn, where the banquet ordered by
Mr. Poke waited our appearance.

I had reached the great square, when a tap on the knee drew my
attention to one at my side. The applicant for notice was a monikin,
who had all the physical peculiarities of a subject of Leaphigh, and
yet, who was to be distinguished from most of the inhabitants of
that country, by a longer and less cultivated nap to his natural
garment, greater shrewdness about the expression of the eyes and the
mouth, a general air of business, and, for a novelty, a bob-cauda.
He was accompanied by positively the least well-favored being of the
species I had yet seen. I was addressed by the former.

"Good morning, Sir John Goldencalf," he commenced, with a sort of
jerk, that I afterwards learned was meant for a diplomatic
salutation; "you have not met with the very best treatment to-day,
and I have been waiting for a good opportunity to make my
condolences, and to offer my services."

"Sir, you are only too good. I do feel a little wronged, and, I must
say, sympathy is most grateful to my feelings. You will, however,
allow me to express my surprise at your being acquainted with my
real name, as well as with my misfortunes?"

"Why, sir, to own the truth, I belong to an examining people. The
population is very much scattered in my country, and we have fallen
into a practice of inquiry that is very natural to such a state of
things. I think you must have observed that in passing along a
common highway, you rarely meet another without a nod; while
thousands are met in a crowded street without even a glance of the
eye. We develop this principle, sir; and never let any fact escape
us for the want of a laudable curiosity."

"You are not a subject of Leaphigh, then?"

"God forbid! No, sir, I am a citizen of Leaplow, a great and a
glorious republic that lies three days' sail from this island; a new
nation, which is in the enjoyment of all the advantages of youth and
vigor, and which is a perfect miracle for the boldness of its
conceptions, the purity of its institutions, and its sacred respect
for the rights of monikins. I have the honor to be, moreover, the
envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiary of the republic to
the king of Leaphigh, a nation from which we originally sprung, but
which we have left far behind us in the race of glory and
usefulness. I ought to acquaint you with my name, sir, in return for
the advantage I possess on this head, in relation to yourself."

Hereupon my new acquaintance put into my hand one of his visiting-
cards, which contained as follows:--

General-Commodore-Judge-Colonel
 PEOPLE'S FRIEND:

Envoy-Extraordinary and Minister-Plenipotentiary from the Republic
of Leaplow, near his Majesty the King of Leaphigh.

"Sir," said I, pulling off my hat with a profound reverence, "I was
not aware to whom I had the honor of speaking. You appear to fill a
variety of employments, and I make no doubt, with equal skill."

"Yes, sir, I believe I am about as good at one of my professions as
at another."

"You will permit me to observe, however, General--a--a Judge--a--a--
I scarcely know, dear sir, which of these titles is the most to your
taste?"

"Use which you please, sir--I began with General, but had got as low
as Colonel before I left home. People's Friend is the only
appellation of which I am at all tenacious. Call me People's Friend,
sir, and you may call me anything else you find most convenient."

"Sir, you are only too obliging. May I venture to ask if you have
really, propria persona, filled all these different stations in
life?"

"Certainly, sir--I hope you do not mistake me for an impostor!"

"As far from it as possible.--But a judge and a commodore, for
instance, are characters whose duties are so utterly at variance in
human affairs, that I will allow I find the conjunction, even in a
monikin, a little extraordinary."

"Not at all, sir. I was duly elected to each, served my time out in
them all, and have honorable discharges to show in every instance."

"You must have found some perplexity in the performance of duties so
very different?"

"Ah--I see you have been long enough in Leaphigh to imbibe some of
its prejudices! It is a sad country for prejudice. I got my foot
mired in some of them myself, as soon as it touched the land. Why
sir, my card is an illustration of what we call, in Leaplow,
rotation in office."

"Rotation in office!"

"Yes, sir, rotation in office; a system that we invented for our
personal convenience, and which is likely to be firm, as it depends
on principles that are eternal."

"Will you suffer me to inquire, colonel, if it has any affinity to
the social-stake system?"

"Not in the least. That, as I understand it, is a stationary, while
this is a rotatory system. Nothing is simpler. We have in Leaplow
two enormous boxes made in the form of wheels. Into one we put the
names of the citizens, and into the other the names of the offices.
We then draw forth, in the manner of a lottery, and the thing is
settled for a twelvemonth."

"I find this rotatory plan exceedingly simple--pray, sir, does it
work as well as it promises?"

"To perfection.--We grease the wheels, of course, periodically."

"And are not frauds sometimes committed by those who are selected to
draw the tickets?"

"Oh! they are chosen precisely in the same way."

"But those who draw THEIR tickets?"

"All rotatory--they are drawn exactly on the same principle."

"But there must be a beginning. Those, again, who draw THEIR
tickets--they may betray their trusts?"

"Impossible--THEY are always the most patriotic patriots of the
land! No, no, sir--we are not such dunces as to leave anything to
corruption. Chance does it all. Chance makes me a commodore to-day--
a judge to-morrow. Chance makes the lottery boys, and chance makes
the patriots. It is necessary to see in order to understand how much
purer and useful is your chance patriot, for instance, than one that
is bred to the calling."

"Why, this savors, after all, of the doctrine of descents, which is
little more than matter of chance."

"It would be so, sir, I confess, were it not that our chances centre
in a system of patriots. Our approved patriots are our guarantees
against abuses--"

"Hem!"--interrupted the companion of Commodore People's Friend, with
an awkward distinctness, as if to recall himself to our
recollection.

"Sir John, I crave pardon for great remissness--allow me to present
my fellow-citizen, Brigadier Downright, a gentleman who is on his
travels, like yourself; and as excellent a fellow as is to be found
in the whole monikin region."

"Brigadier Downright, I crave the honor of your acquaintance.--But,
gentlemen, I too have been sadly negligent of politeness. A banquet
that has cost a hundred promises is waiting my appearance; and, as
some of the expected guests are unavoidably absent, if you would
favor me with your excellent society, we might spend an agreeable
hour, in the further discussion of these important interests."

As neither of the strangers made the smallest objection to the
proposal, we were all soon comfortably situated at the dinner-table.
The commodore, who, it would seem, was habitually well fed, merely
paid a little complimentary attention to the banquet; but Mr.
Downright attacked it tooth and nail, and I had no great reason to
regret the absence of Mr. Poke. In the meantime, the conversation
did not flag.

"I think I understand the outline of your system, Judge People's
Friend," I resumed, "with the exception of the part that relates to
the patriots. Would it be asking too much to request a little
explanation on that particular point?"

"Not in the least, sir. Our social arrangement is founded on a hint
from nature; a base, as you will concede, that is broad enough to
sustain a universe. As a people, we are a hive that formerly swarmed
from Leaphigh; and finding ourselves free and independent, we set
about forthwith building the social system on not only a sure
foundation, but on sure principles. Observing that nature dealt in
duplicates, we pursued the hint, as the leading idea--"

"In duplicates, commodore!"

"Certainly, Sir John--a monikin has two eyes two ears, two nostrils,
two lungs, two arms, two hands, two legs, two feet, and so on to the
end of the chapter. On this hint, we ordered that there should be
drawn, morally, in every district of Leaplow, two distinct and
separate lines, that should run at right angles to each other. These
were termed the "political landmarks" of the country; and it was
expected that every citizen should range himself along one or the
other. All this you will understand, however, was a moral
contrivance, not a physical one."

"Is the obligation of this moral contrivance imperative?"

"Not legally, it is true; but then, he who does not respect it is
like one who is out of fashion, and he is so generally esteemed a
poor devil, that the usage has a good deal more than the force of a
law. At first, it was intended to make it a part of the
constitution; but one of our most experienced statesmen so clearly
demonstrated that, by so doing, we should not only weaken the nature
of the obligation, but most probably raise a party against it, that
the idea was abandoned. Indeed, if anything, both the letter and the
spirit of the fundamental law have been made to lean a little
against the practice; but having been cleverly introduced, in the
way of construction, it is now bone of our bone, and flesh of our
flesh. Well, sir, these two great political landmarks being fairly
drawn, the first effort of one who aspires to be thought a patriot
is to acquire the practice of 'toeing the mark' promptly and with
facility. But should I illustrate my positions by a few experiments,
you might comprehend the subject all the better.--For though, in
fact, the true evolutions are purely moral, as I have just had the
honor to explain, yet we have instituted a physical parallel that is
very congenial to our habits, with which the neophyte always
commences."

Here the commodore took a bit of chalk and drew two very distinct
lines, crossing each other at right angles, through the centre of
the room. When this was done, he placed his feet together, and then
he invited me to examine if it were possible to see any part of the
planks between the extremities of his toes and the lines. After a
rigid look, I was compelled to confess it was not.

"This is what we call 'toeing the mark'; it is social position, No.
1. Almost every citizen gets to be expert in practising it, on one
or the other of the two great political lines. After this, he who
would push his fortunes further, commences his career on the great
rotatory principle."

"Your pardon, commodore, we call the word rotary, in English."

"Sir, it is not expressive enough for our meaning; and therefore we
term it 'rotatory.' I shall now give you an example of position No.
2."

Here the commodore made a spring, throwing his body, as a soldier
would express it, to the "right about," bringing, at the same time,
his feet entirely on the other side of the line; always rigidly
toeing the mark.

"Sir," said I, "this was extremely well done; but is this evolution
as useful as certainly it is dexterous?"

"It has the advantage of changing front, Sir John; a manoeuvre quite
as useful in politics as in war. Most all in the line get to
practise this, too, as my friend Downright, there, could show you,
were he so disposed."

"I don't like to expose my flanks, or my rear, more than another,"
growled the brigadier.

"If agreeable, I will now show you gyration 2d, or position No. 3."

On my expressing a strong desire to see it, the commodore put
himself again in position No. 1; and then he threw what Captain Poke
was in the habit of calling a "flap-jack," or a summerset; coming
down in a way tenaciously to toe the mark.

I was much gratified with the dexterity of the commodore, and
frankly expressed as much; inquiring, at the same time, if many
attained to the same skill. Both the commodore and the brigadier
laughed at the simplicity of the question; the former answering that
the people of Leaplow were exceedingly active and adventurous, and
both lines had got to be so expert, that, at the word of command,
they would throw their summersets in as exact time, and quite as
promptly, as a regiment of guards would go through the evolution of
slapping their cartridge-boxes.

"What, sir," I exclaimed, in admiration, "the entire population!"

"Virtually, sir. There is, now and then, a stumbler; but he is
instantly kicked out of sight, and uniformly counts for nothing."

"But as yet, commodore, your evolutions are altogether too general
to admit of the chance selection of patriots, since patriotism is
usually a monopoly."

"Very true, Sir John; I shall therefore come to the main point
without delay. Thus far, it is pretty much an affair of the whole
population, as you say; few refusing to toe the mark, or to throw
the necessary flap-jacks, as you have ingeniously termed them. The
lines, as you may perceive, cross each other at right angles; and
there is consequently some crowding, and occasionally, a good deal
of jostling, at and near the point of junction. We begin to term a
monikin a patriot when he can perform this evolution."

Here the commodore threw his heels into the air with such rapidity
that I could not very well tell what he was about, though it was
sufficiently apparent that he was acting entirely on the rotatory
principle. I observed that he alighted, with singular accuracy, on
the very spot where he had stood before, toeing the mark with
beautiful precision.

"That is what we call gyration 3d, or position No. 4. He who can
execute it is considered an adept in our politics; and he invariably
takes his position near the enemy, or at the junction of the hostile
lines."

"How, sir, are these lines, then, manned as they are with citizens
of the same country, deemed hostile?"

"Are cats and dogs hostile, sir?--Certainly. Although standing, as
it might be, face to face, acting on precisely the same principle,
or the rotatory impulse, and professing to have exactly the same
object in view, viz., the common good, they are social, political,
and I might almost say, the moral antipodes of each other. They
rarely intermarry, never extol, and frequently refuse to speak to
one another. In short, as the brigadier could tell you, if he were
so disposed, they are antagonist, body and soul. To be plain, sir,
they are enemies."

"This is very extraordinary for fellow-citizens!"

"'Tis the monikin nature," observed Mr. Downright; "no doubt, sir,
men are much wiser?"

As I did not wish to divert the discourse from the present topic, I
merely bowed to this remark, and begged the judge to proceed.

"Well, sir," continued the latter, "you can easily imagine that they
who are placed near the point where the two lines meet, have no
sinecures. To speak the truth, they blackguard each other with all
their abilities, he who manifests the most inventive genius in this
high accomplishment, being commonly thought the cleverest fellow.
Now, sir, none but a patriot could, in the nature of things, endure
this without some other motive than his country's good, and so we
esteem them."

"But the most patriotic patriots, commodore?"

The minister of Leaphigh now toed the mark again, placing himself
within a few feet of the point of junction between the two lines,
and then he begged me to pay particular attention to his evolution.
When all was ready, the commodore threw himself, as it were,
invisibly into the air, again head over heels, so far as I could
discover, and alighted on the antagonist line, toeing the mark with
a most astonishing particularity. It was a clever gyration, beyond a
doubt; and the performer looked towards me, as if inviting
commendation.

"Admirably executed, judge, and in a way to induce one to believe
that you must have paid great attention to the practice."

"I have performed this manoeuvre, Sir John, five times in real life;
and my claim to be a patriotic patriot is founded on its invariable
success. A single false step might have ruined me; but as you say,
practice makes perfect, and perfection is the parent of success."

"And yet I do not rightly understand how so sudden a desertion of
one's own side, to go over in this active manner head over heels, I
may say, to another side, constitutes a fair claim to be deemed so
pure a character as that of a patriot."

"What, sir, is not he who throws himself defencelessly into the very
middle of the ranks of the enemy, the hero of the combat? Now, as
this is a political struggle, and not a warlike struggle, but one in
which the good of the country is alone uppermost, the monikin who
thus manifests the greatest devotion to the cause, must be the
purest patriot. I give you my honor, sir, all my own claims are
founded entirely on this particular merit."

"He is right, Sir John; you may believe every word he says,"
observed the brigadier, nodding.

"I begin to understand your system, which is certainly well adapted
to the monikin habits, and must give rise to a noble emulation in
the practice of the rotatory principle. But I understood you to say,
colonel, that the people of Leaplow are from the hive of Leaphigh?"

"Just so, sir."

"How happens it, then, that you dock yourselves of the nobler
member, while the inhabitants of this country cherish it as the
apple of the eye--nay, as the seat of reason itself?"

"You allude to our tails?--Why, sir, nature has dealt out these
ornaments with a very unequal hand, as you may perceive on looking
out of the window. We agree that the tail is the seat of reason, and
that the extremities are the most intellectual parts; but, as
governments are framed to equalize these natural inequalities, we
denounce them as anti-republican. The law requires, therefore, that
every citizen, on attaining his majority, shall be docked agreeably
to a standard measure that is kept in each district. Without some
such expedient, there might be an aristocracy of intellect among us,
and there would be an end of our liberties. This is the
qualification of a voter, too, and of course we all seek to obtain
it."

Here the brigadier leaned across the table and whispered that a
great patriot, on a most trying occasion, had succeeded in throwing
a summerset out of his own into the antagonist line, and that, as he
carried with him all the sacred principles for which his party had
been furiously contending for many years, he had been
unceremoniously dragged back by his tail, which unfortunately came
within reach of those quondam friends on whom he had turned his
back; and that the law had, in truth, been passed in the interests
of the patriots. He added, that the lawful measure allowed a longer
stump than was commonly used; but that it was considered underbred
for any one to wear a dock that reached more than two inches and
three quarters of an inch into society, and that most of their
political aspirants, in particular, chose to limit themselves to one
inch and one quarter of an inch, as a proof of excessive humility.

Thanking Mr. Downright for his clear and sensible explanation, the
conversation was resumed.

"I had thought, as your institutions are founded on reason and
nature, judge," I continued, "that you would be more disposed ta
cultivate this member than to mutilate it; and this the more
especially, as I understand all monikins believe it to be the very
quintessence of reason."

"No doubt, sir; we do cultivate our tails, but it is on the
vegetable principle, or as the skilful gardener lops the branch that
it may throw out more vigorous shoots. It is true, we do not expect
to see the tail itself sprouting out anew; but then we look to the
increase of its reason, and to its more general diffusion in
society. The extremities of our cauda, as fast as they are lopped,
are sent to a great intellectual mill, where the mind is extracted
from the matter, and the former is sold, on public account, to the
editors of the daily journals. This is the reason our Leaplow
journalists are so distinguished for their ingenuity and capacity,
and the reason, too, why they so faithfully represent the average of
the Leaplow knowledge."

"And honesty, you ought to add," growled the brigadier.

"I see the beauty of the system, judge, and very beautiful it is!
This essence of lopped tails represents the average of Leaplow
brains, being a compound of all the tails in the country; and, as a
daily journal is addressed to the average intellect of the
community, there is a singular fitness between the readers and the
readees. To complete my stock of information on this head, however,
will you just allow me to inquire what is the effect of this system
on the totality of Leaplow intelligence?"

"Wonderful! As we are a commonwealth, it is necessary to have a
unity of sentiment on all leading matters, and by thus compounding
all the extremes of our reasons we get what is called 'public
opinion'; which public opinion is uttered through the public
journals--"

"And a most patriotic patriot is always chosen to be the inspector
of the mill," interrupted the brigadier.

"Better and better! you send all the finer parts of your several
intellects to be ground up and kneaded together; the compound is
sold to the journalists, who utter it anew, as the results of the
united wisdom of the country--"

"Or, as public opinion. We make great account of reason in all our
affairs, invariably calling ourselves the most enlightened nation on
earth; but then we are especially averse to anything like an
insulated effort of the mind, which is offensive, anti-republican,
aristocratic and dangerous. We put all our trust in this
representation of brains, which is singularly in accordance with the
fundamental base of our society, as you must perceive."

"We are a commercial people, too," put in the brigadier; "and being
much accustomed to the laws of insurance, we like to deal in
averages."

"Very true, brother Downright, very true; we are particularly averse
to anything like inequality. Ods zooks! it is almost as great an
offence for a monikin to know more than his neighbors, as it is for
him to act on his own impulses. No--no--we are truly a free and an
independent commonwealth, and we hold every citizen as amenable to
public opinion, in all he does, says, thinks, or wishes."

"Pray, sir, do both of the two great political lines send their
tails to the same mills, and respect the same general sentiments?"

"No, sir; we have two public opinions in Leaplow."

"TWO public opinions!"

"Certainly, sir; the horizontal and the perpendicular."

"This infers a most extraordinary fertility of thought, and one that
I hold to be almost impossible!"

Here the commodore and the brigadier incontinently both laughed as
hard as they could; and that, too, directly in my face.

"Dear me, Sir John--why, my dear Sir John! you are really the
drollest creature!"--gasped the judge, holding his sides--"the very
funniest question I have ev--ev--ever encountered!" He now stopped
to wipe his eyes; after which he was better able to express himself.
"The same public opinion, forsooth!--Dear me--dear me, that I should
not have made myself understood!--I commenced, my good Sir John, by
telling you that we deal in duplicates, on a hint from nature; and
that we act on the rotatory principle. In obedience to the first, we
have always two public opinions; and, although the great political
landmarks are drawn in what may be called a stationary sense, they,
too, are in truth rotatory. One, which is thought to lie parallel to
the fundamental law, or the constitutional meridian of the country,
is termed the horizontal, and the other the perpendicular line. Now,
as nothing is really stationary in Leaplow, these two great
landmarks are always acting, likewise, on the rotatory principle,
changing places periodically; the perpendicular becoming the
horizontal, and vice versa; they who toe their respective marks,
necessarily taking new views of things as they vary the line of
sight. These great revolutions are, however, very slow, and are
quite as imperceptible to those who accompany them, as are the
revolutions of our planet to its inhabitants."

"And the gyrations of the patriots, of which the judge has just now
spoken," added the brigadier, "are much the same as the eccentric
movements of the comets that embellish the solar system, without
deranging it by their uncertain courses."

"No, sir, we should be poorly off, indeed, if we had but ONE public
opinion," resumed the judge. "Ecod, I do not know what would become
of the most patriotic patriots in such a dilemma!"

"Pray, sir, let me ask, as you draw for places, if you have as many
places as there are citizens?"

"Certainly, sir. Our places are divided, firstly, into the two great
subdivisions of the 'inner' and the 'outer.' Those who toe the mark
on the most popular line occupy the former, and those who toe the
mark on the least popular line take all the rest, as a matter of
course. The first, however, it is necessary to explain, are the only
places worth having. As great care is had to keep the community
pretty nearly equally divided--"

"Excuse the interruption--but in what manner is this effected?"

"Why, as only a certain number can toe the mark, we count all those
who are not successful in getting up to the line, as outcasts; and,
after fruitlessly hanging about our skirts for a time, they
invariably go over to the other line; since it is better to be first
in a village than second in Rome. We thus keep up something like an
equilibrium in the state, which, as you must know, is necessary to
liberty. The minority take the outer places, and all the inner are
left to the majority. Then comes another subdivision of the places;
that is to say, one division is formed of the honorary, and another
of the profitable places. The honorary, or about nine-tenths of all
the inner places, are divided, with great impartiality, among the
mass of those who have toed the mark on the strongest side, and who
usually are satisfied with the glory of the victory. The names of
the remainder are put into the wheels to be drawn for against the
prizes, on the rotatory principle."

"And the patriots, sir;--are they included in this chance medley?"

"Far from it. As a reward for their dangers, they have a little
wheel to themselves, although they, also, are compelled to submit to
the rotatory principle. Their cases differ from those of the others,
merely in the fact that they always get something."

I would gladly have pursued the conversation, which was opening a
flood of light upon my political understanding; but just then, a
fellow with the air of a footman entered, carrying a packet tied to
the end of his cauda. Turning round, he presented his burden, with
profound respect, and withdrew. I found that the packet contained
three notes with the following addresses:

"To His Royal Highness Bob, Prince of Wales, etc., etc., etc."

"To My Lord High Admiral Poke, etc., etc., etc."

"To Master Goldencalf, Clerk, etc., etc., etc."

Apologizing to my guests, the seal of my own note was eagerly
opened. It read as follows:

"The Right Honorable the Earl of Chatterino, lord of the bed-chamber
in waiting on his majesty, informs Master John Goldencalf, clerk,
that he is commanded to attend the drawing-room, this evening, when
the nuptial ceremony will take place between the Earl of Chatterino
and the Lady Chatterissa, the first maid of honor to Her Majesty the
Queen.

"N. B. The gentlemen will appear full dress."

On explaining the contents of my note to the judge, he informed me
that he was aware of the approaching ceremony, as he had also an
invitation to be present, in his official character. I begged, as a
particular favor, England having no representative at Leaphigh, that
he would do me the honor to present me, in his capacity of a foreign
minister. The envoy made no sort of objection, and I inquired as to
the costume necessary to be observed; as, so far as I had seen, it
was good-breeding at Leaphigh to go naked. The envoy had the
goodness to explain, that, although, in point of mere attire,
clothing was extremely offensive to the people of both Leaphigh and
Leaplow, yet, in the former country, no one could present himself at
court, foreign ministers excepted, without a cauda. As soon as we
understood each other on these points, we separated, with an
understanding that I was to be in readiness (together with my
companions, of whose interest I had not been forgetful) to attend
the envoy and the brigadier, when they should call for me, at an
hour that was named.




CHAPTER XVIII.

A COURT, A COURT-DRESS, AND A COURTIER--JUSTICE IN VARIOUS ASPECTS,
AS WELL AS HONOR.


My guests were no sooner gone, than I sent for the landlady, to
inquire if any court-dresses were to be had in the neighborhood. She
told me plenty might certainly be had, that were suited to the
monikin dimensions, but she much doubted whether there was a tail in
all Leaphigh, natural or artificial, that was at all fit for a
person of my stature. This was vexatious; and I was in a brown
study, calling up all my resources for the occasion, when Mr. Poke
entered the inn, carrying in his hand two as formidable ox-tails as
I remember ever to have seen. Throwing one towards me, he said the
lord high admiral of Leaphigh had acquainted him that there was an
invitation out for the prince and himself, as well as for the
governor of the former, to be present at court within an hour. He
had hurried off from what he called a very good dinner, considering
there was nothing solid (the captain was particularly fond of
pickled pork), to let me know the honor that was intended us; and on
the way home, he had fallen in with Dr. Reasono, who, on being
acquainted with his errand, had not failed to point out the
necessity of the whole party coming en habit de cour. Here was a
dilemma, with a vengeance; for the first idea that struck the
captain was, "the utter impossibility of finding anything in this
way, in all Leaphigh, befitting a lord high admiral of his length of
keel; for, as to going in an ordinary monikin queue, why, he should
look like a three-decked ship, with a brig's spar stepped for a
lower mast!" Dr. Reasono, however, had kindly removed the
embarrassment, by conducting him to the cabinet of natural history,
where three suitable appendages had been found, viz., two fine
relics of oxen, [Footnote: Cauda Bovum.--BUF.] and another, a
capital specimen, that had formerly been the mental lever, or, as
the captain expressed it, "the steering oar" of a kangaroo. The
latter had been sent off, express, with a kind consideration for the
honor of Great Britain, to Prince Bob, who was at a villa of one of
the royal family, in the neighborhood of Aggregation.

I was greatly indebted to Noah, for his dexterity in helping me to a
good fit with my court-dress. There was not time for much
particularity, for we were in momentary expectation of Judge
People's Friend's return. All we could do, therefore, was to make a
belt of canvas (the captain being always provided with needles,
palm, etc., in his bag), and to introduce the smaller end of the
tail through a hole in the belt, drawing its base tight up to the
cloth, which, in its turn, was stitched round our bodies. This was
but an indifferent substitute for the natural appendage, it is true;
and the hide had got to be so dry and unyielding, that it was
impossible for the least observant person to imagine there was a
particle of brains in it. The arrangement had also another
disadvantage. The cauda stuck out nearly at right angles with the
position of the body, and besides occupying much more space than
would probably be permitted in the royal presence, "it gave any
jackanapes," as Noah observed, "the great advantage over us, of
making us yaw at pleasure, since he might use the outriggers as
levers." But a seaman is inexhaustible in expedients. Two "back-
stays," or "bob-stays" (for the captain facetiously gave them both
appellations) were soon "turned in," and the tails were "stayed in,
in a way to bring them as upright as trysail masts"; to which spars,
indeed, according to Noah's account of the matter, they bore no
small resemblance.

The envoy-extraordinary of Leaplow, accompanied by his friend,
Brigadier Downright, arrived just as we were dressed; and a most
extraordinary figure the former cut, if truth must be said. Although
obliged to be docked, according to the Leaplow law, to six inches,
and brought down to a real bob, by both the public opinions of his
country, for this was one of the few points on which these
antagonist sentiments were perfectly agreed, he now appeared in just
the largest brush I remember to have seen appended to a monikin! I
felt a strong inclination to joke the rotatory republican on this
coquetry; but then I remembered how sweet any stolen indulgence
becomes; and, for the life of me, I could not give utterance to a
bon-mot. The elegance of the minister was rendered the more
conspicuous by the simplicity of the brigadier, who had contrived to
moustache his dock, a very short one at the best, in such a manner
as to render it nearly invisible. On my expressing a doubt to Mr.
Downright about his being admitted in such a costume, he snapped his
fingers, and gave me to understand he knew better. He appeared as a
brigadier of Leaplow (I found afterwards that he was in truth no
soldier, but that it was a fashion among his countrymen to travel
under the title of brigadier), and this was his uniform; and he
should like to see the chamberlain who would presume to call in
question the state of his wardrobe! As it was no affair of mine, I
prudently dropped the subject, and we were soon in the court of the
palace.

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the
sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the
reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng
composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a
great deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the
customary amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in
the sunshine of royalty. Judge People's Friend, in his character of
a foreign minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private
entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of
the royal apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in
attendance, and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great
many cordial manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound
them and their masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most
sacred amity. Judge People's Friend, according to his own account of
the matter, represented a great nation--a very great nation--and yet
I did not perceive that he met with a warm--a very warm--reception.
However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it
would have been unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb
his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore, not to betray,
by the slightest hint, my opinion that a good many near his person
seemed to think him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way.
The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly
exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of
the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held
their noses as he flourished his brush a little too near their
sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. While making
these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part of
the saloon, "Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Great
Britain!" The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up
the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of
his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping
with the rascal's assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over
his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the
cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as
alligators. The kangaroo's tail was rigged in a way to excite
audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of
it, the captain whispered, "did the young dog great credit, for it
looked as natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in
addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the
yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holding one in each
hand, the brush could be worked 'starboard and larboard' like a
rudder." I have taken this description mainly from the mouth of the
captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to the
reader.

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the
upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing
it to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and
lively admiration in the mind of Judge People's Friend--an effect
that so much the more proved the wearer's address, for that high
functionary was bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt
for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle,
however, and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the
temerity to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under
his very nose, human nature could endure no more. The right leg of
my lord high admiral slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of
the cat about to spring, and then it was projected forward, with a
rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown prince from the floor.

The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of
pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward
involuntarily to aid him--for courtiers always ran involuntarily to
the succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their
smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To
prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to
acquaint the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff
and kick the whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more
than the customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of
what I said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a
touch of my own homage. The monikins, who know that different
customs prevail in different nations, hastened to compliment the
young scion of royalty in the same manner; and both the cook and
steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track of imitation.
Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat
a retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to
the royal presence.

The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the
imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh
entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was
merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own
learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable
Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by
intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and
not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation.

Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad
enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke--who had already
pretty plainly threatened, in the Stunin'tun dialect, to unship his
cauda--into that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes
afterwards, the doors were thrown open, and the whole company
advanced into the royal apartments.

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential
particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin
region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to
any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present
occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the
salon, and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn
before each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On
the lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-
chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise
enacted the parts of the illustrious couple. The reader will
understand, therefore, that all which is here attributed to either
of these great personages, was in fact performed by one or the other
of the substitutes named, and that I never had the honor of actually
standing face to face with their majesties. Everything that is now
about to be related, in short, was actually done by deputy, on the
part of the monarch and his wife.

The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power
belonging to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and
any intercourse with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a
sentimental character. He is the head of the church--after a very
secular fashion, however;--all the bishops and clergy therefore got
down on their knees and said their prayers; though the captain
suggested that it might be their catechisms; I never knew which. I
observed, also, that all his law officers did the same thing; but as
THEY never pray, and do not know their catechisms, I presume the
genuflections were to beg something better than the places they
actually filled. After this, came a long train of military and naval
officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his paw. The civilians next had
a chance, and then it was our turn to be presented.

"I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain
to your majesty," said Judge People's Friend, who had waived his
official privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in
person; it having been decided, on a review of all the principles
that touched the case, that nothing human could take precedence of a
monikin at court, always making the exception in favor of royalty,
as in the case of Prince Bob.

"I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke," the king politely
rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by
his family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.

"King!"

"You were about to remark?--" most graciously inquired his majesty,
a little at a loss to understand what his visitor would be at.

"Why, I could not contain my astonishment at your memory, Mr. King,
which has enabled you to recall a name that you probably never
before heard!"

There was now a great, and to me, a very unaccountable confusion in
the circle. It would seem, that the captain had unwittingly
trespassed on two of the most important of the rules of etiquette,
in very mortal points. He had confessed to the admission of an
emotion as vulgar as that of astonishment in the royal presence, and
he had intimated that his majesty had a memory; a property of the
mind which, as it might prove dangerous to the liberties of
Leaphigh, were it left in the keeping of any but a responsible
minister, it had long been decided it was felony to impute to the
king. By the fundamental law of the land, the king's eldest first-
cousin of the masculine gender, may have as many memories as he
please, and he may use them, or abuse them, as he shall see fit,
either in private or in the public service; but it is held to be
utterly unconstitutional and unparliamentary, and, by consequence,
extremely underbred, to insinuate, even in the most remote manner,
that the king himself has either a memory, a will, a determination,
a resolution, a desire, a conceit, an intention, or, in short, any
other intellectual property, that of a "royal pleasure" alone
excepted. It is both constitutional and parliamentary to say the
king has a "royal pleasure" provided the context goes to prove that
this "royal pleasure" is entirely at the disposition of his eldest
first-cousin of the masculine gender.

When Mr. Poke was made acquainted with his mistake, he discovered a
proper contrition; and the final decision of the affair was
postponed, in order to have the opinion of the judges on the
propriety of taking bail, which I promptly offered to put in, in
behalf of my old shipmate. This disagreeable little interruption
temporarily disposed of, the business of the drawing-room went on.

Noah was next conducted to the queen, who was much inclined (always
by deputy) to overlook the little mistake into which he had fallen
with her royal consort, and to receive him graciously.

"May it please your majesty, I have the honor to present to your
majesty's royal notice the Lord Noah Poke, the lord high admiral of
a distant and but little known country, called Great Britain," said
the gold stick of the evening--Judge People's Friend being afraid of
committing Leaplow, and declining to introduce the captain to any
one else.

"Lord Poke is a countryman of our royal cousin, the Prince Bob!"
observed the queen, in an exceedingly gracious manner.

"No, marm," put in the sealer, promptly, "your cousin Bob is no
cousin of mine; and if it were lawful for your majesty to have a
memory, or an inclination, or anything else in that way, I should
beg the favor of you to order the young blackguard to be soundly
threshed."

The majesty of Leaphigh stood aghast, by proxy! It would seem Noah
had now actually fallen into a more serious error than the mistake
he had made with the king. By the law of Leaphigh, the queen is not
a feme couverte. She can sue and be sued in her own name, holds her
separate estate, without the intervention of trustees, and IS
supposed to have a memory, a will, an inclination, or anything else
in that way, except a "royal pleasure," to which she cannot, of
right, lay claim. As to her, the king's first-cousin is a dead
letter; he having no more control over her conscience than he has
over the conscience of an apple-woman. In short, her majesty is
quite as much the mistress of her own convictions and conscience as
it probably ever falls to the lot of women in such high stations to
be the mistress of interests that are of so much importance to those
around them. Noah, innocently enough, I do firmly believe, had
seriously wounded all those nice sensibilities which are naturally
dependent on such an improved condition of society. Forbearance
could go no further, and I saw, by the dark looks around me, that
the captain had committed a serious crime. He was immediately
arrested, and conducted from the presence to an adjoining room, into
which I obtained admission, after a good deal of solicitation and
some very strong appeals to the sacred character of the rights of
hospitality.

It now appeared that, in Leaphigh, the merits of a law are decided
on a principle very similar to the one we employ in England in
judging of the quality of our wines, viz., its age. The older a law,
the more it is to be respected, no doubt because, having proved its
fitness by outlasting all the changes of society, it has become more
mellow, if not more palatable. Now, by a law of Leaphigh that is
coeval with the monarchy, he who offends the queen's majesty at a
levee is to lose his head; and he who, under the same circumstances,
offends the king's majesty, necessarily the more heinous offence, is
to lose his tail. In consequence of the former punishment, the
criminal is invariably buried, and he is consigned to the usual
course of monikin regeneration and resuscitation; but in consequence
of the latter, it is thought that he is completely thrown without
the pale of reason, and is thereby consigned to the class of the
retrogressive animals. His mind diminishes, and his body increases;
the brain, for want of the means of development, takes the ascending
movement of sap again; his forehead dilates; bumps reappear; and,
finally, after passing gradually downwards in the scale of
intellect, he becomes a mass of insensible matter. Such, at least,
is the theory of his punishment.

By another law, that is even older than the monarchy, any one who
offends in the king's palace may be tried by a very summary process,
the king's pages acting as his judges; in which case the sentence is
to be executed without delay.

Such was the dilemma to which Noah, by an indiscretion at court, was
suddenly reduced; and, but for my prompt interference, he would
probably have been simultaneously decapitated at both extremities,
in obedience to an etiquette which prescribes that, under the
circumstances of a court trial, neither the king's nor the queen's
rights shall be entitled to precedence. In defence of my client I
urged his ignorance of the usages of the country, and, indeed, of
all other civilized countries, Stunnin'tun alone excepted. I stated
that the criminal was an object altogether unworthy of their notice;
that he was not a lord high admiral at all, but a mere pitiful
sealer; I laid some stress on the importance of maintaining friendly
relations with the sealers, who cruise so near the monikin region; I
tried to convince the judges that Noah meant no harm in imputing
moral properties to the king, and that so long as he did not impute
immoral properties to his royal consort, she might very well afford
to pardon him. I then quoted Shakspeare's celebrated lines on mercy,
which seemed to be well enough received, and committed the whole
affair to their better judgment.

I should have got along very creditably, and most probably obtained
the immediate discharge of my friend, had not the attorney-general
of Leaphigh been drawn by curiosity into the room. Although he had
nothing to say to the merits of my arguments, he objected to every
one of them, on the ground of formality. This was too long, and that
was too short; one was too high, and another too low; a fifth was
too broad, and a sixth too narrow; in short, there was no figure of
speech of this nature to which he did not resort, in order to prove
their worthlessness, with the exception that I do not remember he
charged any of my reasons with being too deep.

Matters were now beginning to look serious for poor Noah, when a
page came skipping in to say that the wedding was about to take
place, and that if his comrades wished to witness it, they must
sentence the prisoner without delay. Many a man, it is said, has
been hanged, in order that the judge might dine; but, in the present
instance, I do believe Captain Poke was spared, in order that his
judges might not miss a fine spectacle. I entered into recognizance,
in fifty thousand promises, for the due appearance of the criminal
on the following morning; and we all returned, in a body, to the
presence-chamber, treading on each other's tails, in the eagerness
to be foremost.

Any one who has ever been at a human court, must very well know
that, while it is the easiest thing in the world to throw it into
commotion by a violation of etiquette, matters of mere life and
death are not at all of a nature to disturb its tranquillity. There,
everything is a matter of routine and propriety; and, to judge from
experience, nothing is so unseemly as to appear to possess human
sympathies. The fact is not very different at Leaphigh, for the
monikin sympathies, apparently, are quite as obtuse as those of men;
although justice compels me to allow, that in the case of Captain
Poke, the appeal was made in behalf of a creature of a different
species. It is also a settled principle of Leaphigh jurisprudence,
that it would be monstrous for the king to interfere in behalf of
justice-justice, however, being always administered in his name;
although it certainly is not held to be quite so improper for him to
interfere in behalf of those who have offended justice.

As a consequence of these nice distinctions, which it requires a
very advanced stage of civilization fully to comprehend, both the
king and queen received our whole party, when we came back into the
presence, exactly as if nothing particular had occurred. Noah wore
both head and tail erect, like another; and the lord high admiral of
Leaphigh dropped into a familiar conversation with him, on the
subject of ballasting ships, in just as friendly a manner as if he
were on the best possible terms with the whole royal family. This
moral sang froid is not to be ascribed to phlegm, but is, in fact,
the result of high mental discipline, which causes the courtier to
be utterly destitute of all feeling, except in cases that affect
himself.

It was high time now that I should be presented. Judge People's
Friend, who had witnessed the dilemma of Noah with diplomatic
unconcern, very politely renewed the offer of his services in my
favor, and I went forward and stood before the throne.

"Sire, allow me to present a very eminent literary character among
men, a cunning clerk, by name Goldencalf," said the envoy, bowing to
his majesty.

"He is welcome to my court," returned the king by proxy.

"Pray, Mr. People's Friend, is not this one of the human beings who
have lately arrived in my dominions, and who have shown so much
cleverness in getting Chatterino and his governor through the ice?"

"The very same, please your majesty; and a very arduous service it
was, and right cleverly performed."

"This reminds me of a duty.--Let my cousin be summoned."

I now began to see a ray of hope, and to feel the truth of the
saying which teaches us that justice, though sometimes slow, never
fails to arrive at last. I had also, now, and for the first time, a
good view of the king's eldest first-cousin of the masculine gender,
who drew near at the summons; and, while he had the appearance of
listening with the most profound attention to the instructions of
the king of Leaphigh, was very evidently telling that potentate what
he ought to do. The conference ended, his majesty's proxy spoke in a
way to be heard by all who had the good fortune to be near the royal
person.

"Reasono did a good thing," he said; "really, a very good thing, in
bringing us these specimens of the human family. But for his
cleverness, I might have died without ever dreaming that men were
gifted with tails." [Kings never get hold of the truth at the right
end.] "I wonder if the queen knew it. Pray, did you know, my
Augusta, that men had tails?"

"Our exemption from state affairs gives us females better
opportunities than your majesty enjoys, to study these matters,"
returned his royal consort, by the mouth of her lady of the bed-
chamber.

"I dare say I'm very silly--but our cousin, here, thinks it might be
well to do something for these good people, for it may encourage
their king himself to visit us some day."

An exclamation of pleasure escaped the ladies; who declared, one and
all, it would be delightful to see a real human king--it would be so
funny!

"Well, well," added the good-natured monarch, "Heaven knows what may
happen, for I have seen stranger things. Really, we ought to do
something for these good people; for, although we owe the pleasure
of their visit, in a great degree, to the cleverness of Reasono--
who, by the way, I'm glad to hear is declared an H. O. A. X.--yet he
very handsomely admits, that but for their exertions--none of our
seamikins being within reach--it would have been quite impossible to
get through the ice. I wish I knew, now, which was the cleverest and
the most useful of their party."

Here the queen, always thinking and speaking by proxy, suggested the
propriety of leaving the point to Prince Bob.

"It would be no more than is due to his rank; for though they are
men, I dare say they have feelings like ourselves."

The question was now submitted to Bob, who sat in judgment on us
all, with as much gravity as if accustomed to such duties from
infancy. It is said that men soon get to be familiar with elevation,
and that, while he who has fallen never fails to look backwards, he
who has risen invariably limits his vision to the present horizon.
Such proved to be the case with the princely Bob.

"This person," observed the jackanapes, pointing to me, "is a very
good sort of person, it is true, but he is hardly the sort of person
your majesty wants just now. There is the lord high admiral, too--
but--" (Bob's but was envenomed by a thousand kicks!)--"but--you
wish, sire, to know which of my father's subjects was the most
useful in getting the ship to Leaphigh?"

"That is precisely the fact I desire to know."

Bob hereupon pointed to the cook; who, it will be remembered, was
present as one of his train-bearers. "I believe I must say, sire,
that this is the man. He fed us all; and without food, and that in
considerable quantities, too, nothing could have been done."

The little blackguard was rewarded for his impudence, by
exclamations of pleasure from all around him.--"It was so clever a
distinction,"--"it showed so much reflection,"--"it was so very
profound,"--"it proved how much he regarded the base of society;"--
in short, "it was evident England would be a happy country, when he
should be called to the throne!" In the meantime the cook was
required to come forth, and kneel before his majesty.

"What is your name?" whispered the lord of the bed-chamber, who now
spoke for himself.

"Jack Coppers, your honor."

The lord of the bed-chamber made a communication to his majesty,
when the sovereign turned round by proxy, with his back towards
Jack, and, giving him the accolade with his tail, he bade him rise,
as "Sir Jack Coppers."

I was a silent, an admiring, an astounded witness of this act of
gross and flagrant injustice. Some one pulled me aside, and then I
recognized the voice of Brigadier Downright.

"You think that honors have alighted where they are least due. You
think that the saying of your crown prince has more smartness than
truth, more malice than honesty. You think that the court has judged
on false principles, and acted on an impulse rather than on reason;
that the king has consulted his own ease in affecting to do justice;
that the courtiers have paid a homage to their master, in affecting
to pay a homage to merit; and that nothing in this life is pure or
free from the taint of falsehood, selfishness, or vanity. Alas! this
is too much the case with us monikins, I must allow; though,
doubtless, among men you manage a vast deal more cleverly."




CHAPTER XIX.

ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSION OF TAILS, A
BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACY
INCLUDED.


Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and that
he was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt
to render a particular species inimical to all others, I asked
permission to cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time,
that he would kindly favor me with such remarks as might be
suggested by his superior wisdom and extensive travels, on any of
those customs or opinions that would naturally present themselves in
our actual situation. The brigadier took the request in good part,
and we began to promenade the rooms in company. As the Archbishop of
Aggregation, who was to perform the marriage ceremony, was shortly
expected, the conversation very naturally turned on the general
state of religion in the monikin region.

I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulated
portion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical
with those of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a
miserable lost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so
eaten up by envy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions,
that it is quite impossible they can do anything that is good of
themselves; that their sole dependence is on the moral interference
of the great superior power of creation; and that the very first,
and the one needful step of their own, is to cast themselves
entirely on this power for support, in a proper spirit of dependence
and humility. As collateral to, and consequent on, this condition of
the mind, they lay the utmost stress on a disregard of all the
vanities of life, a proper subjection of the lusts of the flesh, and
an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory of ambition, riches,
power, and the faculties. In short, the one thing needful was
humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled to a degree
that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtained
glimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and
the condition of the just.

The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interesting
topic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other
sort of stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace
the most eminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and
thrice gracious and glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh!

The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advanced
to get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of
the great monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as
to strip all the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of
everything in the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what
new mantle of simplicity the heads of the church could take refuge!
Perhaps they shaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of
supereminent self-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the
cuticle, that they might prove, by ocular evidence, what a poor
ungainly set of wretches they really were, carnally considered; or
perhaps they went on all-fours to heaven, in sign of their unfitness
to enter into the presence of the pure of mind in an attitude more
erect and confident. Well, these fancies of mine only went to prove
how erroneous and false are the conclusions of one whose capacity
has not been amplified and concatenated by the ingenuities of a very
refined civilization. His grace the most gracious father in God,
wore a mantle of extraordinary fineness and beauty, the material of
which was composed of every tenth hair taken from all the citizens
of Leaphigh, who most cheerfully submitted to be shaved, in order
that the wants of his most eminent humility might be decently
supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warp and such a woof, was
necessarily very large; and it really appeared to me that the
prelate did not very well know what to do with so much of it, more
especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. I was
now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing that the
Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of that
appurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so
fine and glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to
some novel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at
least. I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed
not only the person, but most of the movements of the archbishop;
and it was with many doubts of my success that I led the brigadier
behind the episcopal train to reconnoitre. The result disappointed
expectation again. Instead of being destitute of a tail, or of
concealing that with which nature had supplied him beneath his
mantle, the most gracious dignitary wore no less than six caudae,
viz., his own, and five others added to it, by some subtle process
of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt to explain; one "bent
on the other," as the captain described them in a subsequent
conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweep the
floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructed
faculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of this
illustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility.

The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the
first place, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh
was illustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one
and a half; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a
rector two; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop,
four; the Primate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL
Leaphigh, six. The origin of the custom, which was very ancient, and
of course very much respected, was imputed to the doctrine of a
saint of great celebrity, who had satisfactorily proved that as the
tail was the intellectual or the spiritual part of a monikin, the
farther it was removed from the mass of matter, or the body, the
more likely it was to be independent, consecutive, logical, and
spiritualized. The idea had succeeded astonishingly at first; but
time, which will wear out even a cauda, had given birth to schisms
in the church on this interesting subject; one party contending that
two more joints ought to be added to the archbishop's embellishment,
by way of sustaining the church, and the other that two joints ought
to be incontinently abstracted, in the way of reform.

These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride
and bridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa
advanced with a most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious
train of noble maidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance
of hymeneal etiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On
the other hand, my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb
Hightail, and others of his kidney, stepped towards the altar with a
lofty confidence, which the same etiquette exacted of the
bridegroom. The parties were no sooner in their places, than the
prelate commenced.

The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the established
church of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. The
bridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none but
the bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her
merits, uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far
command his inclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a
jot. The bride, on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that
she will do just what the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will
be his bondwoman, his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is
quite certain no other monikin could make her happy, but, on the
other hand, she is absolutely sure that any other monikin would be
certain to make her miserable. When these pledges, oaths, and
asseverations were duly made and recorded, the archbishop caused the
happy pair to be wreathed together, by encircling them with his
episcopal tail, and they were then pronounced monikin and monikina.
I pass over the congratulations, which were quite in rule, to relate
a short conversation I held with the brigadier.

"Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said
"amen," "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which
showed that there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this
union, on the score of other considerations than those mentioned in
the ceremony?"

"That certificate has no connection with this ceremony."

"And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated
in the certificate?"

"This ceremony has no connection with that certificate."

"So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn
engagement!"

"Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (for
in these particulars Leaphigh is Leaplow) have two distinct
governing principles in all that we say or do, which may be divided
into the theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not
be inapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down
as far as facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may
possibly be something inconsistent in appearance in such an
arrangement; but then our most knowing ones say that it works well.
No doubt among men, you get along without the embarrassment of so
much contradiction."

I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, who
stood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity and
elegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air of
modesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a
look of natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she
pointed me out as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very
kind reception, inquiring if I had enough good things to eat,
whether I was not much astonished at the multitude of strange sights
I beheld in Leaphigh, said I ought to be much obliged to her son for
consenting to bring me over, and invited me to come and see her some
fine morning.

I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with a
view to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate the
particulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may
be well to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the
Chatterino set, as they retired from the presence immediately after
the congratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to
leaving the region, which was within a month of the marriage, that
the noble pair kept separate establishments, on account of some
disagreement about an incompatibility of temper--or a young officer
of the guards--I never knew exactly which; but as the estates suited
each other so well, there is little doubt that, on the whole, the
match was as happy as could be expected.

The archbishop received me with a great deal of professional
benevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a
comparison of the respective religious systems of Great Britain and
Leaphigh. He was delighted when he found we had an establishment;
and I believe I was indebted to his knowledge of this fact for his
treating me more as an equal than he might otherwise have done,
considering the difference in species. I was much relieved by this;
for, at the commencement of the conversation, he had sounded me a
little on doctrine, at which I am far from being expert, never
having taken an interest in the church, and I thought he looked
frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heard that we really
had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe, nor did he
once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans or Presbyterians.
But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy, I thought the good
old prelate would have shaken my hand off, and beatified me on the
spot!

"We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight;
"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We
shall meet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"

The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I was
much elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with the
Archbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thus
noticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy of
a stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend to
particulars, and that he might have found some essential points of
difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, for
instance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been
badgered; for, as near as I could recollect, their personal
illustration was of another character. The venerable prelate,
however, soon gave me his blessing, pressed me warmly to come to his
palace before I sailed, promised to send some tracts by me to
England, and then hurried away, as he said, to sign a sentence of
excommunication against an unruly presbyter, who had much disturbed
the harmony of the church, of late, by an attempt to introduce a
schism that he called "piety."

The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at some
length, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was told
that the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two
parts, the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited,
until within a few generations, when certain monikins, who were too
good to live in the old world, emigrated in a body, and set up for
themselves in the new. This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow
account of the matter; the inhabitants of the old countries, on the
other hand, invariably maintaining that they had peopled the new
countries by sending all those of their own communities there, who
were not fit to stay at home. This little obscurity in the history
of the new world, he considers of no great moment, as such trifling
discrepancies must always depend on the character of the historian.
Leaphigh was by no means the only country in the elder monikin
region. There were among others, for instance, Leapup and Leapdown;
Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort; Leapround and
Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religious establishment,
though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle, had none.
The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chief
consequences of the two systems were, that the countries which had
establishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and
those that had no establishments were well enough off in the article
itself, though but indifferently supplied on the score of
reputation.

I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had
the beneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies,
limiting and curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise
setting limits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree
with me in all these particulars; though he very frankly allowed
that it had the effect of keeping TWO truths from falling out, by
separating them. Thus, Leapup maintained one set of religious dogmas
under its establishment, and Leapdown maintained their converse. By
keeping these truths apart, no doubt, religious harmony was
promoted, and the several ministers of the gospel were enabled to
turn all their attention to the sins of the community, instead of
allowing it to be diverted to the sins of each other, as was very
apt to be the case when there was an antagonist interest to oppose.

Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah and
myself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and we
separated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream
of his trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's
Friend and the brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening
with a supper. I was left chatting with the last, while the first
went into his closet to indite a dispatch to his government,
relating to the events of the evening.

The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents of
the drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to
give royalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do
this worthy, upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite
superior to that vulgar hostility which is apt to distinguish many
of his caste, and which is founded on a principle as simple as the
fact that they cannot be kings and nobles themselves.

While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and in
undress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail
aside, Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in
his hand. He read aloud what he had written, to my great
astonishment, for I had been accustomed to think diplomatic
communications sacred. But the judge observed, that in this case it
was useless to affect secrecy, for two very good reasons; firstly,
because he had been obliged to employ a common Leaphigh scrivener to
copy what he had written--his government depending on a noble
republican economy, which taught it that, if it did get into
difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it would still
have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of the
embarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itself
would print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to have
the publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I was
even allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish a
fac-simile.

"SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-
plenipotentiary of the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has
the honor to inform the secretary of state, that our interests in
this portion of the earth are, in general, on the best possible
footing; our national character is getting every day to be more and
more elevated; our rights are more and more respected, and our flag
is more and more whitening every sea. After this flattering and
honorable account of the state of our general concerns, I hasten to
communicate the following interesting particulars.

"The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union and
Leaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteen
Leaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough
vessel of war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal
demonstration with a very improper part of his person, at us; and
the king of Leapover has caused seven of our ships to be seized and
sold, and the money to be given to his mistress.

"Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition of our
foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the glorious
constitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just
dread which the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other
nations.

"The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to
see that the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully
attended to. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of
the representative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in
this important particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that
her majesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of
the sincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for,
though there is abundant evidence that she did apply certain
unseemly words to our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed
the rules of diplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were
we to call in question her royal sincerity on this public occasion.
Indeed, sir, at all the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles
of the most sincere and encouraging character, not only from the
king, but from all his ministers, his first-cousin in particular;
and I trust they will have the most beneficial effects on the
questions at issue between the Kingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved
country. If they would now only do us justice in the very important
affair of the long-standing and long-neglected redress, which we
have been seeking in vain at their hands for the last seventy-two
years, I should say that our relations were on the best possible
footing.

"Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the
Leaplow name is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth,
and on the benign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to
exercise on all our important interests.

"I see but little probability of effecting the object of my special
mission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of
the smiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family."

"In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindest
manner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title of
the head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth
and prosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on
all occasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual
friendship. In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our
alliance, are anxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain
for us the profoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You
can tell the Great Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly
augmented under his administration, and that it has at least
quadrupled during my mission. If Leaphigh would only respect its
treaties, Leapthrough would cease taking our seamen, Leapup have
greater deference for the usages of good society, and the king of
Leapover would seize no more of our ships to supply his mistress
with pocket-money, our foreign relations might be considered to be
without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better off than I could
have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; and of one
thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universally
respected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all
in company rising and waving their caudae."

"(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND."

"Hon.---------, etc."

"P. S. (Private.)"

"Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where the
difficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put in
with those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation of
the little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home
soon, having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of
maintaining a tail, of which our people have no notion, is so very
great, that I think none of our missions should exceed a week in
duration.

"I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the
subject of the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign
nations; for, to be frank with you, facts require that this
statement should be made as often as possible."

When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion.
The brigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various
peculiarities on this subject, that I do not remember to have heard
of before. Thus, a monikin could not be born without paying
something to the church, a practice which early initiated him into
his duties towards that important branch of the public welfare; and,
even when he died, he left a fee behind him, for the parson, as an
admonition to those who still existed in the flesh, not to forget
their obligations. He added that this sacred interest was, in short,
so rigidly protected, that, whenever a monikin refused to be plucked
for a new clerical or episcopal mantle, there was a method of
fleecing him, by the application of red-hot iron rods, which
generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonly willing,
in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose at pleasure.

I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate to
stigmatize the practice as barbarous.

"Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a
stranger would be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity,
and brotherly love, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the
stalking-horses of pride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the
way with us monikins; no doubt, men manage better."




CHAPTER XX.

A VERY COMMON CASE: OR A GREAT DEAL OF LAW, AND VERY LITTLE JUSTICE-
-HEADS AND TAILS, WITH THE DANGERS OF EACH.


I was early with Noah on the following morning. The poor fellow,
when it is remembered that he was about to be tried for a capital
offence, in a foreign country, under novel institutions, and before
a jury of a different species, manifested a surprising degree of
fortitude. Still, the love of life was strong within him, as was
apparent by the way in which he opened the discourse.

"Did you observe how the wind was this morning, Sir John, as you
came in?" the straightforward sealer inquired, with a peculiar
interest.

"It is a pleasant gale from the southward."

"Right off shore! If one knew where all them blackguards of rear
admirals and post captains were to be found, I don't think, Sir,
John, that you would care much about paying those fifty thousand
promises?"

"My recognizances?--Not in the least, my dear friend, were it not
for our honor. It would scarcely be creditable for the Walrus to
sail, however, leaving an unsettled account of her captain's behind
us. What would they say at Stunin'tun--what would your own consort
think of an act so unmanly?"

"Why, at Stunin'tun, we think him the smartest who gets the easiest
out of any difficulty; and I don't well see why Miss Poke should
know it--or, if she did, why she should think the worse of her
husband, for saving his life."

"Away with these unworthy thoughts, and brace yourself to meet the
trial. We shall, at least, get some insight into the Leaphigh
jurisprudence. Come, I see you are already dressed for the occasion;
let us be as prompt as duellists."

Noah made up his mind to submit with dignity; although he lingered
in the great square, in order to study the clouds, in a way to show
he might have settled the whole affair with the fore-topsail, had he
known where to find his crew. Fortunately for the reputations of all
concerned, however, he did not; and, discarding everything like
apprehension from his countenance, the sturdy mariner entered the
Old Bailey with the tread of a man and the firmness of innocence. I
ought to have said sooner, that we had received notice early in the
morning, that the proceedings had been taken from before the pages,
on appeal, and that a new venue had been laid in the High Criminal
Court of Leaphigh.

Brigadier Downright met us at the door; where also a dozen grave,
greasy-looking counsellors gathered about us, in a way to show that
they were ready to volunteer in behalf of the stranger, on receiving
no more than the customary fee. But I had determined to defend Noah
myself (the court consenting) for I had forebodings that our safety
would depend more on an appeal to the rights of hospitality, than on
any legal defence it was in our power to offer. As the brigadier
kindly volunteered to aid me for nothing, I thought proper not to
refuse his services, however.

I pass over the appearance of the court, the empanelling of the
jury, and the arraignment; for, in matters of mere legal forms,
there is no great difference between civilized countries, all of
them wearing the same semblance of justice. The first indictment,
for unhappily there were two, charged Noah with having committed an
assault, with malice prepense, on the king's dignity, with "sticks,
daggers, muskets, blunderbusses, air-guns, and other unlawful
weapons, more especially with the tongue, in that he had accused his
majesty, face to face, with having a memory, etc., etc." The other
indictment, repeating the formula of the first, charged the honest
sealer with feloniously accusing her majesty the queen, "in defiance
of the law, to the injury of good morals and the peace of society,
with having no memory, etc., etc." To both these charges the plea of
"not guilty," was entered as fast as possible, in behalf of our
client.

I ought to have said before, that both Brigadier Downright and
myself had applied to be admitted of counsel for the accused, under
an ancient law of Leaphigh, as next of kin; I as a fellow human
being, and the brigadier by adoption.

The preliminary forms observed, the attorney-general was about to go
into proof, in behalf of the crown, when my brother Downright arose
and said that he intended to save the precious time of the court, by
admitting the facts; and that it was intended to rest the defence
altogether on the law of the case. He presumed the jury were the
judges of the law as well as of the facts, according to the rule of
Leaplow, and that "he and his brother Goldencalf were quite prepared
to show that the law was altogether with us, in this affair." The
court received the admission, and the facts were submitted to the
jury, by consent, as proven; although the chief-justice took
occasion to remark, Longbeard dissenting, that, while the jury were
certainly judges of the law, in one sense, yet there was another
sense in which they were not judges of the law. The dissent of Baron
Longbeard went to maintain that while the jury were the judges of
the law in the "another sense" mentioned, they were not judges of
the law in the "one sense" named. This difficulty disposed of, Mr.
Attorney-General arose and opened for the crown.

I soon found that we had one of a very comprehensive and
philosophical turn of mind against us, in the advocate of the other
side. He commenced his argument by a vigorous and lucid sketch of
the condition of the world previously to the subdivisions of its
different inhabitants into nations, and tribes, and clans, while in
the human or chrysalis condition. From this statement, he deduced
the regular gradations by which men become separated into
communities, and subjected to the laws of civilization, or what is
called society. Having proceeded thus far, he touched lightly on the
different phases that the institutions of men had presented, and
descended gradually and consecutively to the fundamental principles
of the social compact, as they were known to exist among monikins.
After a few general observations that properly belonged to the
subject, he came to speak of those portions of the elementary
principles of society that are connected with the rights of the
sovereign. These he divided into the rights of the king's
prerogative, the rights of the king's person, and the rights of the
king's conscience. Here he again generalized a little, and in a very
happy manner; so well, indeed, as to leave all his hearers in doubt
as to what he would next be at; when, by a fierce logical swoop, he
descended suddenly on the last of the king's rights, as the one that
was most connected with the subject.

He triumphantly showed that the branch of the royal immunities that
was chiefly affected by the offence of the prisoner at the bar, was
very clearly connected with the rights of the king's conscience.
"The attributes of royalty," observed the sagacious advocate, "are
not to be estimated in the same manner as the attributes of the
subject. In the sacred person of the king are centred many, if not
most, of the interesting privileges of monikinism. That royal
personage, in apolitical sense, can do no wrong: official
infallibility is the consequence. Such a being has no occasion for
the ordinary faculties of the monikin condition. Of what use, for
instance, is a judgment, or a conscience, to a functionary who can
do no wrong? The law, in order to relieve one on whose shoulders was
imposed the burden of the state, had consequently placed the latter
especially in the keeping of another. His majesty's first-cousin is
the keeper of his conscience, as is known throughout the realm of
Leaphigh. A memory is the faculty of the least account to a
personage who has no conscience; and, while it is not contended that
the sovereign is relieved from the possession of his memory by any
positive statute law, or direct constitutional provision, it
follows, by unavoidable implication, and by all legitimate
construction, that, having no occasion to possess such a faculty, it
is the legal presumption he is altogether without it.

"That simplicity, lucidity and distinctness, my lords," continued
Mr. Attorney-General, "which are necessary to every well-ordered
mind, would be impaired, in the case of his majesty, were his
intellectual faculties unnecessarily crowded in this useless manner,
and the state would be the sufferer. My lords, the king reigns, but
he does not govern. This is a fundamental principle of the
constitution; nay, it is more--it is the palladium of our liberties!
My lords, it is an easy matter to reign in Leaphigh. It requires no
more than the rights of primogeniture, sufficient discretion to
understand the distinction between reigning and governing, and a
political moderation that is unlikely to derange the balance of the
state. But it is quite a different thing to govern. His majesty is
required to govern nothing, the slight interests just mentioned
excepted; no, not even himself. The case is far otherwise with his
first-cousin. This high functionary is charged with the important
trust of governing. It had been found, in the early ages of the
monarchy, that one conscience, or indeed one set of faculties
generally, scarcely sufficed for him whose duty it was both to reign
and to govern. We all know, my lords, how insufficient for our
personal objects are our own private faculties; how difficult we
find it to restrain even ourselves, assisted merely by our own
judgments, consciences, and memories; and in this fact do we
perceive the great importance of investing him who governs others,
with an additional set of these grave faculties. Under a due
impression of the exigency of such a state of things, the common
law--not statute law, my lords, which is apt to be tainted with the
imperfections of monikin reason in its isolated or individual state,
usually bearing the impress of the single cauda from which it
emanated--but the common law, the known receptacle of all the common
sense of the nation--in such a state of things, then, has the common
law long since decreed that his majesty's first-cousin should be the
keeper of his majesty's conscience; and, by necessary legal
implication, endowed with his majesty's judgment, his majesty's
reason, and finally, his majesty's memory.

"My lords, this is the legal presumption. It would, in addition, be
easy for me to show, in a thousand facts, that not only the
sovereign of Leaphigh, but most other sovereigns, are and ever have
been, destitute of the faculty of a memory. It might be said to be
incompatible with the royal condition to be possessed of this
obtrusive faculty. Were a prince endowed with a memory, he might
lose sight of his high estate, in the recollection that he was born,
and that he is destined, like another, to die; he might be troubled
with visions of the past; nay, the consciousness of his very dignity
might be unsettled and weakened by a vivid view of the origin of his
royal race. Promises, obligations, attachments, duties, principles,
and even debts, might interfere with the due discharge of his sacred
trusts, were the sovereign invested with a memory; and it has,
therefore, been decided, from time immemorial, that his majesty is
utterly without the properties of reason, judgment, and memory, as a
legitimate inference from his being destitute of a conscience."

Mr. Attorney-General now directed the attention of the court and
jury to a statute of the 3d of Firstborn 6th, by which it was
enacted that any person attributing to his majesty the possession of
any faculty, with felonious intent, that might endanger the
tranquillity of the state, should suffer decaudization, without
benefit of clergy. Here he rested the case on behalf of the crown.

There was a solemn pause, after the speaker had resumed his seat.
His argument, logic, and above all, his good sense and undeniable
law, made a very sensible impression; and I had occasion to observe
that Noah began to chew tobacco ravenously. After a decent interval,
however, Brigadier Downright--who, it would seem, in spite of his
military appellation, was neither more nor less than a practising
attorney and counsellor in the city of Bivouac, the commercial
capital of the Republic of Leaplow--arose, and claimed a right to be
heard in reply. The court now took it into its head to start the
objection, for the first time, that the advocate had not been duly
qualified to plead, or to argue, at their bar. My brother Downright
instantly referred their lordships to the law of adoption, and to
that provision of the criminal code which permitted the accused to
be heard by his next of kin.

"Prisoner at the bar," said the chief-justice, "you hear the
statement of counsel. Is it your desire to commit the management of
your defence to your next of kin?"

"To anybody, your honors, if the court please," returned Noah,
furiously masticating his beloved weed; "to anybody who will do it
well, my honorables, and do it cheap."

"And do you adopt, under the provisions of the statute in such cases
made and provided, Aaron Downright as one of your next of kin, and
if so, in what capacity?"

"I do--I do--my lords and your honors--I do, body and soul--if you
please, I adopt the brigadier as my father; and my fellow human
being and tried friend, Sir John Goldencalf, here, I adopt him as my
mother."

The court now formally assenting, the facts were entered of record,
and my brother Downright was requested to proceed with the defence.

The counsel for the prisoner, like Dandin, in Racine's comedy of Les
Plaideurs, was disposed to pass over the deluge, and to plunge
instantly into the core of his subject. He commenced with a review
of the royal prerogatives, and with a definition of the words "to
reign." Referring to the dictionary of the academy, he showed
triumphantly, that to reign, was no other than to "govern as a
sovereign"; while to govern, in the familiar signification, was no
more than to govern in the name of a prince, or as a deputy. Having
successfully established this point, he laid down the position, that
the greater might contain the less, but that the less could not
possibly contain the greater. That the right to reign, or to govern,
in the generic signification of the term, must include all the
lawful attributes of him who only governed, in the secondary
signification; and that, consequently, the king not only reigned,
but governed. He then proceeded to show that memory was
indispensable to him who governed, since, without one he could
neither recollect the laws, make a suitable disposition of rewards
and punishments, nor, in fact, do any other intelligent or necessary
act. Again, it was contended that by the law of the land the king's
conscience was in the keeping of his first-cousin. Now, in order
that the king's conscience should be in such keeping, it was clear
that he must HAVE a conscience, since a nonentity could not be in
keeping, or even put in commission; and, having a conscience, it
followed, ex necessitate rei, that he must have the attributes of a
conscience, of which memory formed one of the most essential
features. Conscience was defined to be "the faculty by which we
judge of the goodness or wickedness of our own actions. (See
Johnson's Dictionary, page 162, letter C. London edition. Rivington,
publisher.) Now, in what manner can one judge of the goodness or
wickedness of his acts, or of those of any other person, if he knows
nothing about them? and how can he know anything of the past, unless
endowed with the faculty of a memory?"

Again; it was a political corollary from the institutions of
Leaphigh, that the king could do no wrong--

"I beg your pardon, my brother Downright," interrupted the chief-
justice, "it is not a corollary, but a proposition--and one, too,
that is held to be demonstrated. It is the paramount law of the
land."

"I thank you, my lord," continued the brigadier, "as your lordship's
high authority makes my case so much the stronger. It is, then,
settled law, gentle monikins of the jury, that the sovereign of this
realm can do no wrong. It is also settled law--their lordships will
correct me, if I misstate--it is also settled law that the sovereign
is the fountain of honor, that he can make war and peace, that he
administers justice, sees the laws executed--"

"I beg your pardon, again, brother Downright," interrupted the
chief-justice. "This is not the law, but the prerogative. It is the
king's prerogative to be and do all this, but it is very far from
being law."

"Am I to understand, my lord, that the court makes a distinction
between that which is prerogative, and that which is law?"

"Beyond a doubt, brother Downright! If all that is prerogative was
also law, we could not get on an hour."

"Prerogative, if your lordship pleases, or prerogativa, is defined
to be 'an exclusive or peculiar privilege.' (Johnson. Letter P, page
139, fifth clause from bottom; edition as aforesaid. Speaking slow,
in order to enable Baron Longbeard to make his notes.) Now, an
exclusive privilege, I humbly urge, must supersede all enactments,
and--"

"Not at all, sir--not at all, sir--not at all, sir," put in my lord
chief-justice, dogmatically-looking out of the window at the clouds,
in a way to show that his mind was quite made up. "Not at all, good
sir. The king has his prerogatives, beyond a question; and they are
sacred--a part of the constitution. They are, moreover, exclusive
and peculiar, as stated by Johnson; but their exclusiveness and
peculiarity are not to be constructed in the vulgar acceptations. In
treating of the vast interests of a state, the mind must take a wide
range; and I hold, brother Longbeard, there is no principle more
settled than the fact, that prerogativa is one thing, and lex, or
the law, another." The baron bowed assent. "By exclusion, in this
case, is meant that the prerogative touches only his majesty. The
prerogative is exclusively his property, and he may do what he
pleases with it; but the law is made for the nation, and is
altogether a different matter. Again: by peculiar, is clearly meant
peculiarity, or that this case is analogous to no other, and must be
reasoned on by the aid of a peculiar logic. No, sir--the king can
make peace and war, it is true, under his prerogative; but then his
conscience is hard and fast in the keeping of another, who alone can
perform all legal acts."

"But, my lord, justice, though administered by others, is still
administered in the king's name."

"No doubt, in his name: this is a part of the peculiar privilege.
War is made in his majesty's name, too--so is peace. What is war? It
is the personal conflicts between bodies of men of different
nations. Does his majesty engage in these conflicts? Certainly not.
The war is maintained by taxes. Does his majesty pay them? No. Thus
we see that while the war is constitutionally the king's, it is
practically the people's. It follows, as a corollary--since you
quote corollaries, brother Downright--that there are two wars--or
the war of the prerogative, and the war of the fact. Now, the
prerogative is a constitutional principle--a very sacred one,
certainly--but a fact is a thing that comes home to every monikin's
fireside; and therefore the courts have decided, ever since the
reign of Timid II., or ever since they dared, that the prerogative
was one thing, and the law another."

My brother Downright seemed a good deal perplexed by the
distinctions of the court, and he concluded much sooner than he
otherwise would have done; summing up the whole of his arguments, by
showing, or attempting to show, that if the king had even these
peculiar privileges, and nothing else, he must be supposed to have a
memory.

The court now called upon the attorney-general to reply; but that
person appeared to think his case strong enough as it was, and the
matter, by agreement, was submitted to the jury, after a short
charge from the bench.

"You are not to suffer your intellects to be confused,
gentlemonikins, by the argument of the prisoner's counsel,"
concluded the chief-justice. "He has done his duty, and it remains
for you to be equally conscientious. You are, in this case, the
judges of the law and the fact; but it is a part of my functions to
inform you what they both are. By the law, the king is supposed to
have no faculties. The inference drawn by counsel, that, not being
capable of erring, the king must have the highest possible moral
attributes, and consequently a memory, is unsound. The constitution
says his majesty CAN do no wrong. This inability may proceed from a
variety of causes. If he can do NOTHING, for instance, he can do no
wrong. The constitution does not say that the sovereign WILL do no
wrong--but, that he CAN do no wrong. Now, gentlemonikins, when a
thing cannot be done, it becomes impossible; and it is, of course,
beyond the reach of argument. It is of no moment whether a person
has a memory, if he cannot use it, and, in such a case, the legal
presumption is, that he is without a memory; for, otherwise, nature,
who is ever wise and beneficent, would be throwing away her gifts.

"Gentlemonikins, I have already said you are the judges, in this
case, of both the law and the fact. The fate of the prisoner is in
your hands. God forbid that it should be, in any manner, influenced
by me; but this is an offence against the king's dignity, and the
security of the realm; the law is against the prisoner, the facts
are all against the prisoner, and I do not doubt that your verdict
will be the spontaneous decision of your own excellent judgments,
and of such a nature as will prevent the necessity of our ordering a
new trial."

The jurors put their tails together, and in less than a minute,
their foremonikin rendered a verdict of guilty. Noah sighed, and
took a fresh supply of tobacco.

The case of the queen was immediately opened by her majesty's
attorney-general; the prisoner having been previously arraigned, and
a plea entered of "not guilty."

The queen's advocate made a bitter attack on the animus of the
unfortunate prisoner. He described her majesty as a paragon of
excellences; as the depositary of all the monikin virtues, and the
model of her sex. "If she, who was so justly celebrated for the
gifts of charity, meekness, religion, justice, and submission to
feminine duties, had no memory," he asked leave to demand, in the
name of God, who had? "Without a memory, in what manner was this
illustrious personage to recall her duties to her royal consort, her
duties to her royal offspring, her duties to her royal self? Memory
was peculiarly a royal attribute; and without its possession no one
could properly be deemed of high and ancient lineage. Memory
referred to the past, and the consideration due to royalty was
scarcely ever a present consideration, but a consideration connected
with the past. We venerated the past. Time was divided into the
past, present, and future. The past was invariably a monarchical
interest--the present was claimed by republicans--the future
belonged to fate. If it were decided that the queen had no memory,
we should strike a blow at royalty. It was by memory, as connected
with the public archives, that the king derived his title to his
throne; it was by memory, which recalled the deeds of his ancestors,
that he became entitled to our most profound respect."

In this manner did the queen's attorney-general speak for about an
hour, when he gave way to the counsel for the prisoner. But, to my
great surprise, for I knew that this accusation was much the gravest
of the two, since the head of Noah would be the price of conviction,
my brother Downright, instead of making a very ingenious reply, as I
had fully anticipated, merely said a few words, in which he
expressed so firm a confidence in the acquittal of his client, as to
appear to think a further defence altogether unnecessary. He had no
sooner seated himself, than I expressed a strong dissatisfaction
with this course, and avowed an intention to make an effort in
behalf of my poor friend, myself.

"Keep silence, Sir John," whispered my brother Downright; "the
advocate who makes many unsuccessful applications gets to be
disrespected. I charge myself with the care of the lord high
admiral's interests; at the proper time they shall be duly attended
to."

Having the profoundest respect for the brigadier's legal
attainments, and no great confidence in my own, I was fain to
submit. In the meantime, the business of the court proceeded; and
the jury, having received a short charge from the bench, which was
quite as impartial as a positive injunction to convict could very
well be, again rendered the verdict of "guilty."

In Leaphigh, although it is deemed indecent to wear clothes, it is
also esteemed exceedingly decorous for certain high functionaries to
adorn their persons with suitable badges of their official rank. We
have already had an account of the hierarchy of tails, and a general
description of the mantle composed of tenth-hairs; but I had
forgotten to say that both my lord chief-justice and Baron Longbeard
had tail-cases made of the skins of deceased monikins, which gave
the appearance of greater development to their intellectual organs,
and most probably had some influence in the way of coddling their
brains, which required great care and attention on account of
incessant use. They now drew over these tail-cases a sort of box-
coat of a very bloodthirsty color, which, we were given to
understand, was a sign that they were in earnest, and about to
pronounce sentence; justice in Leaphigh being of singularly
bloodthirsty habits.

"Prisoner at the bar," the chief-justice began, in a voice of
reproof, "you have heard the decision of your peers. You have been
arraigned and tried on the heinous charge of having accused the
sovereign of this realm of being in possession of the faculty called
'a memory,' thereby endangering the peace of society, unsettling the
social relations, and setting a dangerous example of insubordination
and of contempt of the laws. Of this crime, after a singularly
patient and impartial hearing, you have been found guilty. The law
allows the court no discretion in the case. It is my duty to pass
sentence forthwith; and I now solemnly ask you, if you have anything
to say why sentence of decaudization should not be pronounced
against you. "Here the chief-justice took just time enough to gape,
and then proceeded--"You are right in throwing yourself altogether
on the mercy of the court, which better knows what is fittest for
you, than you can possibly know for yourself. You will be taken,
Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color, forthwith, to the centre of
the public square, between the hours of sunrise and sunset of this
day, where your cauda will be cut off; and after it has been divided
into four parts, a part will be exposed towards each of the cardinal
points of the compass; and the brush thereof being consumed by fire,
the ashes will be thrown into your face, and this without benefit of
clergy. And may the Lord have mercy on your soul!"

"Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-water-color," put in Baron Longbeard,
without giving the culprit breathing-time, "you have been indicted,
tried, and found guilty of the enormous crime of charging the queen-
consort of this realm of being wanting in the ordinary, important,
and every-day faculty of a memory. Have you anything to say why
sentence should not be forthwith passed against you? No; I am sure
you are very right in throwing yourself altogether on the mercy of
the court, which is quite disposed to show you all that is in its
power, which happens, in this case, to be none at all. I need not
dwell on the gravity of your offence. If the law should allow that
the queen has no memory, other females might put in claims to the
same privilege, and society would become a chaos. Marriage vows,
duties, affections, and all our nearest and dearest interests would
be unhinged, and this pleasant state of being would degenerate into
a moral, or rather an immoral pandemonium. Keeping in view these
all-important considerations, and more especially the imperativeness
of the law, which does not admit of discretion, the court sentences
you to be carried hence, without delay, to the centre of the great
square, where your head will be severed from your body by the public
executioner, without benefit of clergy; after which your remains are
to be consigned to the public hospitals for the purposes of
dissection."

The words were scarcely out of Baron Longbeard's mouth, before both
the attorneys-general started up, to move the court in behalf of the
separate dignities of their respective principals. Mr. Attorney-
General of the crown prayed the court so far to amend its sentence,
as to give precedency to the punishment on account of the offence
against the king; and Mr. Attorney-General for the queen, to pray
the court it would not be so far forgetful of her majesty's rights
and dignity, as to establish a precedent so destructive of both. I
caught a glimpse of hope glancing about the eyes of my brother
Downright, who, waiting just long enough to let the two advocates
warm themselves over these points of law, arose and moved the court
for a stay of execution, on the plea that neither sentence was
legal--that delivered by my lord chief-justice containing a
contradiction, inasmuch as it ordered the decaudization to take
place between THE HOURS OF SUNRISE AND SUNSET, and also FORTHWITH;
and that delivered by Baron Longbeard, on account of its ordering
the body to be given up to dissection, contrary to the law, which
merely made that provision in the case of condemned MONIKINS, the
prisoner at the bar being entirely of another species.

The court deemed all these objections serious, but decided on its
own incompetency to take cognizance of them. It was a question for
the twelve judges, who were now on the point of assembling, and to
whom they referred the whole affair on appeal. In the meantime,
justice could not be stayed. The prisoner must be carried out into
the square, and matters must proceed; but, should either of the
points be finally determined in his favor, he could have the benefit
of it, so far as circumstances would then allow. Hereupon the court
rose, and the judges, counsel, and clerks repaired in a body to the
hall of the twelve judges.




CHAPTER XXI.

BETTER AND BETTER--MORE LAW AND MORE JUSTICE--TAILS AND HEADS: THE
IMPORTANCE OF KEEPING EACH IN ITS PROPER PLACE.


Noah was incontinently transferred to the place of execution, where
I promised to meet him in time to receive his parting sigh,
curiosity inducing me first to learn the issue on the appeal. The
brigadier told me in confidence, as we went to the other hall, that
the affair was now getting to be one of great interest; that
hitherto it had been mere boy's play, but it would in future require
counsel of great reading and research to handle the arguments, and
that he flattered himself there was a good occasion likely to
present itself, for him to show what monikin reason really was.

The whole of the twelve wore tail-cases, and altogether they
presented a formidable array of intellectual development. As the
cause of Noah was admitted to be one of more than common urgency,
after hearing only three or four other short applications on behalf
of the crown, whose rights always have precedence on such occasions,
the attorney-general of the king was desired to open his case.

The learned counsel spoke, in anticipation, to the objections of
both his adversaries, beginning with those of my brother Downright.
Forthwith, he contended, might be at any period of the twenty-four
hours, according to the actual time of using the term. Thus,
forthwith of a morning, would mean in the morning; forthwith at
noon, would mean at noon; and so on to the close of the legal day.
Moreover, in a legal signification, forthwith must mean between
sunrise and sunset, the statute commanding that all executions shall
take place by the light of the sun, and consequently the two terms
ratified and confirmed each other, instead of conveying a
contradiction, or of neutralizing each other, as would most probably
be contended by the opposite counsel.

To all this my brother Downright, as is usual on such occasions,
objected pretty much the converse. He maintained that ALL light
proceeded from the sun; and that the statute, therefore, could only
mean that there should be no executions during eclipses, a period
when the whole monikin race ought to be occupied in adoration.
Forthwith, moreover, did not necessarily mean forthwith, for
forthwith meant immediately; and "between sunrise and sunset" meant
between sunrise and sunset; which might be immediately, or might
not.

On this point the twelve judges decided, firstly, that forthwith did
not mean forthwith; secondly, that forthwith did mean forthwith;
thirdly, that forthwith had two legal meanings; fourthly, that it
was illegal to apply one of these legal meanings to a wrong legal
purpose; and fifthly, that the objection was of no avail, as
respected the case of No. 1, sea-water-color. Ordered, therefore,
that the criminal lose his tail forthwith.

The objection to the other sentence met with no better fate. Men and
monikins did not differ more than some men differed from other men,
or some monikins differed from other monikins. Ordered, that the
sentence be confirmed, with costs. I thought this decision the
soundest of the two; for I had often had occasion to observe, that
there were very startling points of resemblance between monkeys and
our own species.

The contest now commenced between the two attorneys-general in
earnest; and, as the point at issue was a question of mere rank, it
excited a lively--I may say an engrossing--interest in all the
hearers. It was settled, however, after a vigorous discussion, in
favor of the king, whose royal dignity the twelve judges were
unanimously of opinion was entitled to precedency over that of the
queen. To my great surprise, my brother Downright volunteered an
argument on this intricate point, making an exceedingly clever
speech in favor of the king's dignity, as was admitted by every one
who heard it. It rested chiefly on the point that the ashes of the
tail were, by the sentence, to be thrown into the culprit's face. It
is true this might be done physically after decapitation, but it
could not be done morally. This part of the punishment was designed
for a moral effect; and to produce that effect, consciousness and
shame were both necessary. Therefore the moral act of throwing the
ashes into the face of the criminal could only be done while he was
living, and capable of being ashamed.

Meditation, chief-justice, delivered the opinion of the bench. It
contained the usual amount of legal ingenuity and logic, was
esteemed as very eloquent in that part which touched on the sacred
and inviolable character of the royal prerogatives (prerogativae as
he termed them), and was so lucid in pointing out the general
inferiority of the queen-consort, that I felt happy her majesty was
not present to hear herself and sex undervalued. As might have been
expected, it allowed great weight to the distinction taken by the
brigadier. The decision was in the following words, viz.: "Rex et
Regina versus No. 1, sea-water-color: ordered, that the officers of
justice shall proceed forthwith to decaudizate the defendant before
they decapitate him; provided he has not been forthwith decapitated
before he can be decaudizated."

The moment this mandamus was put into the hands of the proper
officer, Brigadier Downright caught me by the knee, and led me out
of the hall of justice, as if both out lives depended on our
expedition. I was about to reproach him for having volunteered to
aid the king's attorney-general, when, seizing me by the root of the
tail, for the want of a button-hole, he said, with evident
satisfaction:

"Affairs go on swimmingly, my dear Sir John! I do not remember to
have been employed, for some years, in a more interesting
litigation. Now this cause, which, no doubt, you think is drawing to
a close, has just reached its pivot, or turning-point; and I see
every prospect of extricating our client with great credit to
myself."

"How! my brother Downright!" I interrupted; "the accused is finally
sentenced, if not actually executed!"

"Not so fast, my good Sir John--not so fast, by any means. Nothing
is final in law, while there is a farthing to meet the costs, or the
criminal can yet gasp. I hold our case to be in an excellent way;
much better than I have deemed it at any time since the accused was
arraigned."

Surprise left me no other power than that which was necessary to
demand an explanation.

"All depends on the single fact, dear sir," continued my brother
Downright, "whether the head is still on the body of the accused or
not. Do you proceed, as fast as possible, to the place of execution;
and, should our client still have a head, keep up his spirits by a
proper religious discourse, always preparing him for the worst, for
this is no more than wisdom; but, the instant his tail is separated
from his body, run hither as fast as you can, to apprise me of the
fact. I ask but two things of you--speed in coming with the news,
and perfect certainty that the tail is not yet attached to the rest
of the frame, by even a hair. A hair often turns the scales of
justice!"

"The case seems desperate--would it not be as well for me to run
down to the palace, at once; demand an audience of their majesties,
throw myself on my knees before the royal pair, and implore a
pardon?"

"Your project is impracticable, for three sufficient reasons:
firstly, there is not time; secondly, you would not be admitted
without a special appointment; thirdly, there is neither a king nor
a queen!"

"No king in Leaphigh!"

"I have said it."

"Explain yourself, brother Downright, or I shall be obliged to
refute what you say, by the evidence of my own senses."

"Your senses will prove to be false witnesses then. Formerly there
was a king in Leaphigh, and one who governed, as well as reigned.
But the nobles and grandees of the country, deeming it indecent to
trouble his majesty with affairs of state any longer, took upon
themselves all the trouble of governing, leaving to the sovereign
the sole duty of reigning. This was done in a way to save his
feelings, under the pretence of setting up a barrier to the physical
force and abuses of the mass. After a time, it was found
inconvenient and expensive to feed and otherwise support the royal
family, and all its members were privately shipped to a distant
region, which had not yet got to be so far advanced in civilization,
as to know how to keep up a monarchy without a monarch."

"And does Leaphigh succeed in effecting this prodigy?"

"Wonderfully well. By means of decapitations and decaudizations
enough, even greater exploits may be performed."

"But am I to understand literally, brother Downright, there is no
such thing as a monarch in this country?"

"Literally."

"And the presentations?"

"Are like these trials, to maintain the monarchy."

"And the crimson curtains?--"

"Conceal empty seats."

"Why not, then, dispense with so much costly representation?"

"In what way could the grandees cry out that the throne is in
danger, if there were no throne? It is one thing to have no monarch,
and another to have no throne. But all this time our client is in
great jeopardy. Hasten, therefore, and be particular to act as I
have just instructed you."

I stopped to hear no more, but in a minute was flying towards the
centre of the square. It was easy enough to perceive the tail of my
friend waving over the crowd; but grief and apprehension had already
rendered his countenance so rueful, that, at the first glance, I did
not recognize his head. He was, however, still in the body; for,
luckily for himself, and more especially for the success of his
principal counsel, the gravity of his crimes had rendered unusual
preparations necessary for the execution. As the mandate of the
court had not yet arrived--justice being as prompt in Leaphigh as
her ministers are dilatory--two blocks were prepared, and the
culprit was about to get down on his hands and knees between them,
just as I forced my way through the crowd to his side.

"Ah! Sir John, this is an awful predicament!" exclaimed the rebuked
Noah; "a ra'ally awful situation for a human Christian to have his
enemies lying athwart both bows and starn!"

"While there is life there is hope; but it is always best to be
prepared for the worst--he who is thus prepared never can meet with
a disagreeable surprise. Messrs. Executioners"--for there were two,
that of the king, and that of the queen, or one at each end of the
unhappy criminal--"Messrs. Executioners, I pray you to give the
culprit a moment to arrange his thoughts, and to communicate his
last requests in behalf of his distant family and friends!"

To this reasonable petition neither of the higher functionaries of
the law made any objection, although both insisted if they did not
forthwith bring the culprit to the last stages of preparation, they
might lose their places. They did not see, however, but a man might
pause for a moment on the brink of the grave. It would seem that
there had been a little misunderstanding between the executioners
themselves on the point of precedency, which had been one cause of
the delay, and which had been disposed of by an arrangement that
both should operate at the same instant. Noah was now brought down
to his hands and knees, "moored head and starn," as that unfeeling
blackguard Bob, who was in the crowd, expressed it, between the two
blocks, his neck lying on one and his tail on the other. While in
this edifying attitude, I was permitted to address him.

"It may be well to bethink you of your soul, my dear captain," I
said; "for, to speak truth, these axes have a very prompt and
sanguinary appearance."

"I know it, Sir John, I know it; and, not to mislead you, I will own
that I have been repenting with all my might, ever since that first
vardict. That affair of the lord high admiral, in particular, has
given me a good deal of consarn; and I now humbly ask your pardon
for being led away by such a miserable deception, which is all owing
to that riptyle Dr. Reasono, who, I hope, will yet meet with his
desarts. I forgive everybody, and hope everybody will forgive me. As
for Miss Poke, it will be a hard case; for she is altogether past
expecting another consort, and she must be satisfied to be a relic
the rest of her days."

"Repentance, repentance, my dear Noah--repentance is the one thing
needful for a man in your extremity."

"I do--I do, Sir John, body and soul--I repent, from the bottom of
my heart, ever having come on this v'y'ge--nay, I don't know but I
repent ever having come outside of Montauk Point. I might, at this
moment, have been a school-master or a tavern-keeper in Stunnin'tun;
and they are both good wholesome berths, particularly the last. Lord
love you! Sir John, if repentance would do any good, I should be
pardoned on the spot."

Here Noah caught a glimpse of Bob grinning in the crowd, and he
asked of the executioners, as a last favor, that they would have the
boy brought near, that he might take an affectionate leave of him.
This reasonable request was complied with, despite of poor Bob's
struggles; and the youngster had quite as good reasons for hearty
repentance as the culprit himself. Just at this trying moment the
mandate for the order of the punishments arrived, and the officials
seriously declared that the condemned must be prepared to meet his
fate.

The unflinching manner in which Captain Poke submitted to the mortal
process of decaudization extracted plaudits from, and awakened
sympathy in every monikin present. Having satisfied myself that the
tail was actually separated from the body, I ran, as fast as legs
could carry me, towards the hall of the twelve judges. My brother
Downright, who was impatiently expecting my appearance, instantly
arose and moved the bench to issue a mandamus for a stay of
execution in the case of "Regina versus Noah Poke, or No. 1, sea-
water-color. By the statute of the 2d of Longevity and Flirtilla, it
was enacted, my lords," put in the brigadier, "that in no case shall
a convicted felon suffer loss of life, or limb, while it can be
established that he is non compos mentis. This is also a rule, my
lords, of common law--but being common sense and common monikinity,
it has been thought prudent to enforce it by an especial enactment.
I presume Mr. Attorney-General for the queen will scarcely dispute
the law of the case--"

"Not at all, my lords--though I have some doubts as to the fact. The
fact remains to be established," answered the other, taking snuff.

"The fact is certain, and will not admit of cavil. In the case of
Rex versus Noah Poke, the court ordered the punishment of
decaudization to take precedence of that of decapitation, in the
case of Regina versus the same. Process had been issued from the
bench to that effect; the culprit has, in consequence, lost his
cauda, and with it his reason; a creature without reason has always
been held to be non compos mentis, and by the law of the land is not
liable to the punishments of life or limb."

"Your law is plausible, my brother Downright," observed my lord
chief-justice, "but it remains for the bench to be put in possession
of the facts. At the next term, you will perhaps be better prepared--"

"I pray you, my lord, to remember that this is a case which will not
admit of three months' delay."

"We can decide the principle a year hence, as well as to-day; and we
have now sat longer in banco," looking at his watch, "than is either
usual, agreeable, or expedient."

"But, my lords, the proof is at hand. Here is a witness to establish
that the cauda of Noah Poke, the defendant of record, has actually
been separated from his body--"

"Nay--nay--my brother Downright, a barrister of your experience must
know that the twelve can only take evidence on affidavit. If you had
an affidavit prepared, we might possibly find time to hear it,
before we adjourn; as it is, the affair must lie over to another
sitting."

I was now in a cold sweat, for I could distinctly scent the peculiar
odor of the burning tail; the ashes of which being fairly thrown
into Noah's face, there remained no further obstacle to the process
of decapitation--the sentence, it will be remembered, having kept
his countenance on his shoulders expressly for that object. My
brother Downright, however, was not a lawyer to be defeated by so
simple a stumbling-block. Seizing a paper that was already written
over in a good legal hand, which happened to be lying before him, he
read it, without pause or hesitation, in the following manner:

"Regina versus Noah Poke."

"Kingdom of Leaphigh, Season of Nuts,    } Personally
this fourth day of the Moon.             } appeared before me,
Meditation, Lord Chief-Justice of the Court of King's Bench, John
Goldencalf, baronet, of the Kingdom of Great Britain, who, being
duly sworn, doth depose and say, viz., that he, the said deponent,
was present at, and did witness, the decaudization of the defendant
 in this suit, and that the tail of the said Noah Poke, or No. 1,
sea-water-color, hath been truly and physically separated from his
 body.--And further this deponent sayeth not. Signature, etc."

Having read, in the most fluent manner, the foregoing affidavit,
which existed only in his own brain, my brother Downright desired
the court to take my deposition to its truth.

"John Goldencalf, baronet," said the chief-justice, "you have heard
what has just been read; do you swear to its truth?"

"I do."

Here the affidavit was signed by both my lord chief-justice and
myself, and it was duly put on file. I afterwards learned that the
paper used by my brother Downright on this memorable occasion was no
other than the notes which the chief-justice himself had taken on
one of the arguments in the case in question, and that, seeing the
names and title of the cause, besides finding it no easy matter to
read his own writing, that high officer of the crown had, very
naturally, supposed that all was right. As to the rest of the bench,
they were in too great a hurry to go to dinner, to stop and read
affidavits, and the case was instantly disposed of, by the following
decision:

"Regina versus Noah Poke, etc. Ordered, that the culprit be
considered non compos mentis, and that he be discharged, on finding
security to keep the peace for the remainder of his natural life."

An officer was instantly dispatched to the great square with this
reprieve, and the court rose. I delayed a little in order to enter
into the necessary recognizances in behalf of Noah, taking up at the
same time the bonds given the previous night, for his appearance to
answer to the indictments. These forms being duly complied with, my
brother Downright and myself repaired to the place of execution, in
order to congratulate our client--the former justly elated with his
success, which he assured me was not a little to the credit of his
own education.

We found Noah surprisingly relieved by his liberation from the hands
of the Philistines; nor was he at all backwards in expressing his
satisfaction at the unexpected turn things had taken. According to
his account of the matter, he did not set a higher value on his head
than another; still, it was convenient to have one; had it been
necessary to part with it, he made no doubt he should have submitted
to do so like a man, referring to the fortitude with which he had
borne the amputation of his cauda, as a proof of his resolution; for
his part, he should take very good care how he accused any one with
having a memory, or anything else, again, and he now saw the
excellence of those wise provisions of the laws, which cut up a
criminal in order to prevent the repetition of his offences; he did
not intend to stay much longer on shore, believing he should be less
in the way of temptation on board the Walrus than among the
monikins; and, as for his own people, he was sure of soon catching
them on board again, for they had now been off their pork twenty-
four hours, and nuts were but poor grub for foremast hands, after
all; philosophers might say what they pleased about governments,
but, in his opinion, the only ra'al tyrant on 'arth was the belly;
he did not remember ever to have had a struggle with his belly--and
he had a thousand--that the belly didn't get the better; that it
would be awkward to lay down the title of lord high admiral, but it
was easier to lay down that than to lay down his head; that as for
cauda, though it was certainly agreeable to be in the fashion, he
could do very well without one, and when he got back to Stunnin'tun,
should the worst come to the worst, there was a certain saddler in
the place who could give him as good a fit as the one he had lost;
that Miss Poke would have been greatly scandalized, however, had he
come home after decapitation; that it might be well to sail for
Leaplow as soon as convenient, for in that country he understood
bobs were in fashion, and he admitted that he should not like to
cruise about Leaphigh, for any great length of time, unless he could
look as other people look; for his part, he bore no one a grudge,
and he freely forgave everybody but Bob, out of whom, the Lord
willing, he proposed to have full satisfaction, before the ship
should be twenty-four hours at sea, etc., etc., etc.

Such was the general tendency of the remarks of Captain Poke, as we
proceeded towards the port, where he embarked and went on board the
Walrus, with some eagerness, having learned that our rear-admirals
and post-captains had, indeed, yielded to the calls of nature, and
had all gone to their duty, swearing they would rather be foremast
Jacks in a well-victualled ship, than the king of Leaphigh upon
nuts.

The captain had no sooner entered the boat, taking his head with
him, than I began to make my acknowledgments to my brother Downright
for the able manner in which he had defended my fellow human being;
paying, at the same time, some well-merited compliments to the
ingenious and truly philosophical distinctions of the Leaphigh
system of jurisprudence.

"Spare your thanks and your commendations, I beg of you, good Sir
John," returned the brigadier, as we walked back towards my
lodgings. "We did as well as circumstances would allow; though our
whole defence would have been upset, had not the chief-justice very
luckily been unable to read his own handwriting. As for the
principles and forms of the monikin law--for in these particulars
Leaplow is very much like Leaphigh--as you have seen them displayed
in these two suits, why, they are such as we have. I do not pretend
that they are faultless; on the contrary, I could point out
improvements myself--but we get on with them as well as we can: no
doubt, among men, you have codes that will better bear examination."




CHAPTER XXII.

A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--A CALCULATION--A
SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH AN ASSORTMENT.


I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I
confess, I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His
Royal Highness Prince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my
proper place in society. I was the more incited to make the change
by the representations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was
sufficient to come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in
Leaplow, and that I need not apprehend in his country any of the
ill-treatment I had received in the one in which I now was. After
talking over the matter, therefore, in a familiar way, we determined
to repair at once to the Leaplow legation, in order to ask for our
passports, and to offer, at the same time, to carry any dispatches
that Judge People's Friend might have prepared for his government--
it being the custom of the Leaplowers to trust to these godsends in
carrying on their diplomatic correspondence.

We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut,
certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night
at court. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad
to see us, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the
intention to sail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He
instantly asked a passage for himself, with republican simplicity.

There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he
said, and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for,
although everything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect
republican propriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly
how, but SOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best
prizes. If I could give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it
a great personal favor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance
would be well received by the party. Although I did not very well
understand what he meant by this party, which was to view the act so
kindly, I very cheerfully told the judge that the apartments lately
occupied by my lord Chatterino and his friends were perfectly at his
disposal. I was then asked when I intended to sail; and the answer
was, the instant the wind hauled, so we could lay out of the harbor.
It might be within half an hour. Hereupon Judge People's Friend
begged I would have the goodness to wait until he could hunt up a
charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptory never to
leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he would just
brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in five
minutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been
unkind to refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The
judge must have run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in
about ten minutes, he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He
told me his heart had misgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he
offered the place had plumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not
know but he should have a quarrel or two on his hands; but, at last,
he had luckily found one who could get nothing else to do, and he
pinned him on the spot.

So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had,
most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorably
proscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when the
representative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political
ethics, like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day
wear, and one for Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended
substitute, that it was absolutely indispensable he should submit to
an amputation, or he could not possibly confer the appointment,
queues being proscribed at home by both public opinions, the
horizontal and the perpendicular. To this the candidate objected,
that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on this head, but that he
had seen his excellency himself going to court with a singularly
apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and from sundry other
little occurrences he did not care to particularize, that the
Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could act
on the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To this
the judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in
all things that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience,
how hard it was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda;
but that tails were essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had
been formally voted down in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did
not dare to wear one, let him long for it as much as he would; and
if it were known that a public charge offended in this particular,
although he might be momentarily protected by one of the public
opinions, the matter would certainly be taken up by the opposition
public opinion, and then the people might order a new turn of the
little wheel, which heaven it knew! occurred now a great deal
oftener than was either profitable or convenient.

Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed
the queue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that
he was, after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in
masquerade; which, by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to
be the case with a great many of that eminently original people,
when they got without the limits of their own beloved land. Judge
People's Friend was now perfectly delighted. He told us this was
exactly what he could most have wished for. "Here is a bob," said
he, "for the horizontals and perpendiculars, and there is a capital
ready-made cauda for his majesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A
Leaphighized Leaplower, more especially if there be a dash of
caricature about him, is the very thing in our diplomacy." Finding
matters so much to his mind, the judge made out the letter of
appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to give his substitute
the usual instructions.

"You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care not to
offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, by
advancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond
dispute, you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be
so particular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore,
abandon republicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing
that it can easily be resumed on your return home again. You are to
remember there is nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to
have an opinion on any subject, unless it should be the opinion of
the persons you may happen to be in company with; and, as we have
the reputation of possessing that quality in an eminent degree,
everywhere but at home, take especial heed to eschew vulgarity--if
you can. You will have the greatest care, also, to wear the shortest
bob in all your private, and the longest tail in all your public
relations, this being one of the most important of the celebrated
checks and balances of our government. Our institutions being
expressly formed by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, you
will be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one
citizen, or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony
which it is so necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain
with all foreign courts; which courts being accustomed themselves to
consider their subjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the
state, are singularly restive whenever they hear of any individual
being made of so much importance. Should any Leaplower become
troublesome on this score, give him a bad name at once; and in order
to effect that object with your own single-minded and right-loving
countrymen, swear that he is a disorganizer, and, my life on it,
both public opinions at home will sustain you; for there is nothing
on which our public opinions agree so well as the absolute deference
which they pay to foreign public opinions--and this the more
especially, in all matters that are likely to affect profits, by
deranging commerce. You will, above all things, make it a point to
be in constant relations with some of the readiest paragraph-writers
of the newspapers, in order to see that facts are properly stated at
home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner, who has never
seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paid to write
for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreign
country; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent,
or one who can state things in your own way, who is already half
paid for his services, and who will not be likely to make blunders
by meddling with distinctive thought. When a person of this
character is found, let him drop a line now and then in favor of
your own sagacity and patriotism; and if he should say a pleasant
thing occasionally about me, it will do no harm, but may help the
little wheel to turn more readily. In order to conceal his origin,
let your paragraph-agent use the word OUR freely; the use of this
word, as you know, being the only qualification of citizenship in
Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the word O-U-R, and then proceed to
pronounce it, and be careful that he does not spell it H-O-U-R,
which might betray his origin. Above all things, you will be
patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of your
country and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying
that the latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you
should say this in a way to leave the impression on your hearers,
that you think the former fitted for nothing else, it will be
particularly agreeable and thoroughly republican, and most eminently
modest and praiseworthy. You will find the diplomatic agents of all
other states sensitive on the point of their peculiar political
usages, and prompt to defend them; but this is a weakness you will
rigidly abstain from imitating, for our polity being exclusively
based on reason, you are to show a dignified confidence in the
potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any way lessen the
high character that reason already enjoys, by giving any one cause
to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care of
itself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies,
which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects of
diplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and,
above all, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get
on very cleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign
dispositions, for you are now on foreign duty, and your country
reposes on your shoulders and eminent talents the whole burden of
its foreign interests in this part of the world."

Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently well
satisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He then
said--

"That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to
take leave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible,
and detain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in
pepper, to protect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize
he might draw in the next turn of the little wheel!"

We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just then
informed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting our
appearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge
undertaking to redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by
giving his own in their stead.

The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for some
private adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that
the ship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares
to the notice of these two worthies.

"It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced the captain, "to
neglect an occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry
ten thousand immigrants, and they say there are millions of them
going over to Leaplow; or it might stow half the goods in
Aggregation. I'm resolved, at any rate, to use my cabin privilege;
and I would advise you, as owner, to look out for suthin' to pay
port-charges with, to say the least."

"The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of
the state of the market on the other side, it might be well to
consult some inhabitant of the country about the choice of articles.
Here is the Brigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin
of experience and judgment, and if you please, we will first hear
what he has to say about it."

"I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the brigadier; "but,
as a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphigh
manufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as
opinions."

"Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I inquired of the broker.

"Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities--from the very lowest to
the very 'ighest prices--those that may be had for next to nothing,
to those that we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps
them ready packed for exportation, and send wast invoices of them,
hannually, to Leaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that
help to sell each other; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might
stow enough, provided they were properly assorted, to carry all
before them for the season."

Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into
an adjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots
of the manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading
the inscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several
bundles that had "Opinions on Free Trade" written on their labels, I
asked the brigadier what he thought of that article.

"Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we were
settling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand
for them now."

"You are quite right, sir," added the broker; "we did send large
invoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly
bought up, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over
again, and sold as of 'ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are
now shipped for Leapup, with whom we have negotiations that give
them a certain value."

"'Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in
General': I should think these would be of no use in Leaplow?"

"Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell
powers on 'em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go
even to Leaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I never could
say, seeing they are all government monikins in that queer country."

An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:--

"To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these
articles with some eagerness. I can only account for it, by
supposing they think differing in their tastes from the mass, makes
them more enlightened and peculiar."

"I'll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is
sure of sale. 'Opinions on Events': what can possibly be done with
these?"

"That depends a little on their classification," returned the
brigadier. "If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a
certain value, they cannot be termed of current value; but if they
refer to the events of all the rest of the earth, take them for
heaven's sake! for we trust altogether to this market for our
supplies."

On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the
least fashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue.

"'Opinions on Domestic Literature.'"

"You may buy all he has; we use no other."

"'Opinions on Continental Literature.'"

"Why, we know little about the goods themselves--but I think a
selection might answer."

I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture.

"'Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.'"

"Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the broker, "that we has
two varieties of them 'ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as
is got up by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most
approved models; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that
is really manufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour
stamp. That's all--I never deceives a customer--both sell well, I
hear, on the other side, 'owever."

I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took
the whole hundred bales.

"'Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.'"

"Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors.
They came coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption;
though I have known 'em sent to Leaplow, with success."

"The consumers of this article among us," observed the brigadier,
"are very select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality.
But then they are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new
importation would pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very
generally to the old fashions in this article, not even admitting
the changes produced by time. There was an old manufacturer called
Whiterock, who has a sort of Barlow-knife reputation among us, and
it is not easy to get another article to compete with his. Unless
they are very antiquated, I would have nothing to do with them."

"Yes. this is all true. sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities of
that 'ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the
better it sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run
at 'ome."

"I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up a
bale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have we
here?--'opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.'"

"Take them," said the brigadier, promptly.

"This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market,"
added the broker, giggling. "Wast lots of these things go across
yearly--and I don't find that any on 'em ever comes back."

"'Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.'"

"I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John,
if you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of this
manufacture?"

"Lots on 'em, sir--and they DO sell so! That 'ere are a good
harticle both at 'ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in
Leaplow!"

"This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your
readiness to take an interest!"

"To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country."

"Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this and
the last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended
our previous conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved
not only on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social
condition generally."

"We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John
Goldencalf; but, by your leave, I will take a share in the
investment in 'Opinions on the State of Society and Manners in
Leaplow,' especially if they treat at large on the deformities of
the government, while they allow us to be genteel. This is the true
notch--some of these goods have been condemned because the
manufacturers hadn't sufficient skill in dyeing."

"You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it
these said opinions come from some very well-known and approved
manufactory?"

"All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing--everything
sells, 'owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over 'ere, that
the Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir,
it would really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these
harticles, that they does take from us without higgling!"

"I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement--as a means
to pass a pleasant hour, of an evening--a sort of moral segar?"

"No, sir," put in the broker, "they doesn't smoke 'em, my word on't,
or they wouldn't buy 'em in such lots!"

I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I
turned to see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale
marked "Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul." A
little curious to know why he had made this selection, I led him
aside, and frankly put the question.

"Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said, "religion is an article
that sells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all
in the dark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always
suspect a native of the country to which I am bound, on such a
p'int; and if the things shouldn't sell there, they'll at least do
at Stunnin'tun. Miss Poke alone would use up what there is in that
there bale, in a twelvemonth. To give the woman her due, she's a
desperate consumer of snuff and religion."

We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, who
had come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to
get anything.

"Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little
thing it is," said the broker, laughing; "it don't take at all,
here, and it might do to go 'ome again--at any rate, you will get
the drawback. It is filled with 'Distinctive Opinions of the
Republic of Leaplow.'" The cook looked at the brigadier, who
appeared to think the speculation doubtful. Still it was Hobson's
choice; and, after a good deal of grumbling, the doctor, as Noah
always called his cook, consented to take the "harticle," at half
the prime cost.

Judge People's Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly
en republican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour,
Bob was kicked to Noah's heart's content, and the Walrus was fairly
under way for Leaplow.




CHAPTER XXIII.

POLITICAL BOUNDARIES--POLITICAL RIGHTS--POLITICAL SELECTIONS, AND
POLITICAL DISQUISITIONS; WITH POLITICAL RESULTS.


The aquatic mile-stones of the monikin seas have been already
mentioned; but I believe I omitted to say, that there was a line of
demarcation drawn in the water, by means of a similar invention, to
point out the limits of the jurisdiction of each state. Thus, all
within these water-marks was under the laws of Leaphigh; all between
them and those of some other country, was the high seas; and all
within those of the other country, Leaplow for instance, was under
the exclusive jurisdiction of that other country.

With a favorable wind, the Walrus could run to the watermarks in
about half a day; from thence to the water-marks of Leaplow was two
days' sail, and another half day was necessary to reach our haven.
As we drew near the legal frontiers of Leaphigh, several small fast-
sailing schooners were seen hovering just without the jurisdiction
of the king, quite evidently waiting our approach. One boarded us,
just as the outer edge of the spanker-boom got clear of the Leaphigh
sovereignty. Judge People's Friend rushed to the side of the ship,
and before the crew of the boat could get on deck, he had
ascertained that the usual number of prizes had been put into the
little wheel.

A monikin in a bob of a most pronounced character, or which appeared
to have been subjected to the second amputation, being what is
called in Leaplow a bob-upon-bob, now approached, and inquired if
there were any emigrants on board. He was made acquainted with our
characters and objects. When he understood that our stay would most
likely be short, he was evidently a little disappointed.

"Perhaps, gentlemen," he added, "you may still remain long enough to
make naturalization desirable?"

"It is always agreeable to be at home in foreign countries--but are
there no legal objections?"

"I see none, sir--you have no tails, I believe?"

"None but what are in our trunks. I did not know, however, but the
circumstance of our being of a different species might throw some
obstacles in the way."

"None in the world, sir. We act on principles much too liberal for
so narrow an objection. You are but little acquainted with the
institutions and policy of our beloved and most happy country, I
see, sir. This is not Leaphigh, nor Leapup, nor Leapdown, nor
Leapover, nor Leapthrough, nor Leapunder; but good old, hearty,
liberal, free and independent, most beloved, happy, and prosperous
beyond example, Leaplow. Species is of no account under our system.
We would as soon naturalize one animal as another, provided it be a
republican animal. I see no deficiency about any of you. All we ask
is certain general principles. You go on two legs--"

"So do turkeys, sir."

"Very true--but you have no feathers."

"Neither has a donkey."

"All very right, gentlemen--you do not bray, however."

"I will not answer for that," put in the captain, sending his leg
forwards in a straight line, in a way to raise an outcry in Bob,
that almost upset the Leaplower's proposition.

"At all events, gentlemen," he observed, "there is a test that will
put the matter at rest, at once."

He then desired us, in turn, to pronounce the word "our"--"OUR
liberties"--"OUR country"--"OUR firesides"--"OUR altars," Whoever
expressed a wish to be naturalized, and could use this word in the
proper manner, and in the proper place, was entitled to be a
citizen. We all did very well but the second mate, who, being a
Herefordshire man, could not, for the life of him, get any nearer to
the Doric, in the latter shibboleth, than "our halters." Now, it
would seem that, in carrying out a great philanthropic principle in
Leaplow, halters had been proscribed; for, whenever a rogue did
anything amiss, it had been discovered that, instead of punishing
him for the offence, the true way to remedy the evil was to punish
the society against which he had offended. By this ingenious turn,
society was naturally made to look out sharp how it permitted any
one to offend it. This excellent idea is like that of certain
Dutchmen, who, when they cut themselves with an ax, always apply
salve and lint to the cruel steel, and leave the wound to heal as
fast as possible.

To return to our examination: we all passed but the second mate, who
hung in his halter, and was pronounced to be incorrigible.
Certificates of naturalization were delivered on the spot, the fees
were paid, and the schooner left us.

That night it blew a gale, and we had no more visitors until the
following morning. As the sun rose, however, we fell in with three
schooners, under the Leaplow flag, all of which seemed bound on
errands of life or death. The first that reached us sent a boat on
board, and a committee of six bob-upon-bobs hurried up our sides,
and lost no time in introducing themselves. I shall give their own
account of their business and characters.

It would seem that they were what is called a "nominating committee"
of the Horizontals, for the City of Bivouac, the port to which we
were bound, where an election was about to take place for members of
the great National Council. Bivouac was entitled to send seven
members; and having nominated themselves, the committee were now in
quest of a seventh candidate to fill the vacancy. In order to secure
the naturalized interests, it had been determined to select as new a
comer as possible. This would also be maintaining the principle of
liberality, in the abstract. For this reason they had been cruising
for a week, as near as the law would allow to the Leaphigh
boundaries, and they were now ready to take any one who would serve.

To this proposition I again objected the difference of species. Here
they all fairly laughed in my face, Brigadier Downright included,
giving me very distinctly to understand that they thought I had very
contracted notions on matters and things, to suppose so trifling an
obstacle could disturb the harmony and unity of a Horizontal vote.
They went for a principle, and the devil himself could not make them
swerve from the pursuit of so sacred an object.

I then candidly admitted that nature had not fitted me, as admirably
as it had fitted my friend the judge, for the throwing of
summersets; and I feared that when the order was given "to go to the
right about," I might be found no better than a bungler. This
staggered them a little; and I perceived that they looked at each
other in doubt.

"But you can, at least, turn round suddenly, at need?" one of them
asked, after a pause.

"Certainly, sir," I answered, giving ocular evidence that I was no
idle boaster, making a complete gyration on my heels, in very good
time.

"Very well!--admirably well!" they all cried in a breath. "The great
political essential is to be able to perform the evolutions in their
essence--the facility with which they are performed being no more
than a personal merit."

"But, gentlemen, I know little more of your constitution and laws,
than I have learned in a few broken discussions with my fellow-
travellers."

"This is a matter of no moment, sir. Our constitution, unlike that
of Leaphigh, is written down, and he who runs can read; and then we
have a political fugleman in the house, who saves an immense deal of
unnecessary study and reflection to the members. All you will have
to do, will be to watch his movements; and, my life on it, you will
go as well through the manual exercise as the oldest member there."

"How, sir, do all the members take the manoeuvres from this
fugleman?"

"All the Horizontals, sir--the Perpendiculars having a fugleman of
their own."

"Well, gentlemen, I conceive this to be an affair in which I am no
judge, and I put myself entirely in the hands of my friends."

This answer met with much commendation, and manifested, as they all
protested, great political capabilities; the statesman who submitted
all to his friends never failing to rise to eminence in Leaplow. The
committee took my name in writing and hastened back to their
schooner, in order to get into port to promulgate the nomination.
These persons were hardly off the deck, before another party came up
the opposite side of the ship. They announced themselves to be a
nominating committee of the Perpendiculars, on exactly the same
errand as their opponents. They, too, wished to propitiate the
foreign interests, and were in search of a proper candidate. Captain
Poke had been an attentive listener to all that occurred during the
circumstances that preceded my nomination; and he now stepped
promptly forward, and declared his readiness to serve. As there was
quite as little squeamishness on one side as on the other, and the
Perpendicular committee, as it owned itself, was greatly pressed for
time, the Horizontals having the start of them, the affair was
arranged in five minutes, and the strangers departed with the name
of NOAH POKE, THE TRIED PATRIOT, THE PROFOUND JURIST, AND THE HONEST
MONIKIN, handsomely placarded on a large board--all but the name
having been carefully prepared in advance.

When the committee were fairly out of the ship, Noah look me aside,
and made his apologies for opposing me in this important election.
His reasons were numerous and ingenious, and, as usual, a little
discursive. They might be summed up as follows: He never had sat in
a parliament, and he was curious to know how it would feel; it would
increase the respect of the ship's company, to find their commander
of so much account in a strange port; he had had some experience at
Stunnin'tun by reading the newspapers, and he didn't doubt of his
abilities at all, a circumstance that rarely failed of making a good
legislator; the congressman in his part of the country was some such
man as himself, and what was good for the goose was good for the
gander; he knew Miss Poke would be pleased to hear he had been
chosen; he wondered if he should be called the Honorable Noah Poke,
and whether he should receive eight dollars a day, and mileage from
the spot where the ship then was; the Perpendiculars might count on
him, for his word was as good as his bond; as for the constitution,
he had got on under the constitution at home, and he believed a man
who could do that might get on under any constitution; he didn't
intend to say a great deal in parliament, but what he did say he
hoped might be recorded for the use of his children; together with a
great deal more of the same sort of argumentation and apology.

The third schooner now brought us to. This vessel sent another
committee, who announced themselves to be the representatives of a
party that was termed the Tangents. They were not numerous, but
sufficiently so to hold the balance whenever the Horizontals and the
Perpendiculars crossed each other directly at right angles, as was
the case at present; and they had now determined to run a single
candidate of their own. They, too, wished to fortify themselves by
the foreign interest, as was natural, and had come out in quest of a
proper person. I suggested the first mate; but against this Noah
protested, declaring that come what would, the ship must on no
account be deserted. Time pressed; and, while the captain and the
subordinate were hotly disputing the propriety of permitting the
latter to serve, Bob, who had already tasted the sweets of political
importance, in his assumed character of prince-royal, stepped slyly
up to the committee, and gave in his name. Noah was too much
occupied to discover this well-managed movement; and by the time he
had sworn to throw the mate overboard if he did not instantly
relinquish all ambitious projects of this nature, he found that the
Tangents were off. Supposing they had gone to some other vessel, the
captain allowed himself to be soothed, and all went on smoothly
again.

From this time until we anchored in the bay of Bivouac, the
tranquillity and discipline of the Walrus were undisturbed. I
improved the occasion to study the constitution of Leaplow, of which
the judge had a copy, and to glean such information from my
companions as I believed might be useful in my future career. I
thought how pleasant it would be for a foreigner to teach the
Leaplowers their own laws, and to explain to them the application of
their own principles! Little, however, was to be got from the judge,
who was just then too much occupied with some calculations
concerning the chances of the little wheel, with which he had been
furnished by a leading man of one of the nominating committees.

I now questioned the brigadier touching that peculiar usage of his
country which rendered Leaphigh opinions concerning the Leaplow
institutions, society, and manners of so much value in the market of
the latter. To this I got but an indifferent answer, except it was
to say, that his countrymen, having cleared the interests connected
with the subjects from the rubbish of time, and set everything at
work, on the philosophical basis of reason and common sense, were
exceedingly desirous of knowing what other people thought of the
success of the experiment.

"I expect to see a nation of sages, I can assure you, brigadier; one
in which even the very children are profoundly instructed in the
great truths of your system; and, as to the monikinas, I am not
without dread of bringing my theoretical ignorance in collision with
their great practical knowledge of the principles of your
government."

"They are early fed on political pap."

"No doubt, sir, no doubt. How different must they be from the
females of other countries! Deeply imbued with the great distinctive
principles of your system, devoted to the education of their
children in the same sublime truths, and indefatigable in their
discrimination, among the meanest of their households!"

"Hum!"

"Now, sir, even in England, a country which I trust is not the most
debased on earth, you will find women, beautiful, intellectual,
accomplished and patriotic, who limit their knowledge of these
fundamental points to a zeal for a clique, and the whole of whose
eloquence on great national questions is bounded by a few heartfelt
wishes for the downfall of their opponents;--"

"It is very much so at Stunnin'tun, too, if truth must be spoken,"
remarked Noah, who had been a listener.

"Who, instead of instructing the young suckers that cling to their
sides in just notions of general social distinctions, nurture their
young antipathies with pettish philippics against some luckless
chief of the adverse party;--"

"Tis pretty much the same at Stunnin'tun, as I live!"

"Who rarely study the great lessons of history in order to point out
to the future statesmen and heroes of the empire the beacons of
crime, the incentives for public virtue, or the charters of their
liberties; but who are indefatigable in echoing the cry of the hour,
however false or vulgar, and who humanize their attentive offspring
by softly expressed wishes that Mr. Canning, or some other
frustrator of the designs of their friends, were fairly hanged!"

"Stunnin'tun, all over!"

"Beings that are angels in form--soft, gentle, refined, and tearful
as the evening with its dews, when there is a question of humanity
or suffering; but who seem strangely transformed into she-tigers,
whenever any but those of whom they can approve attain to power; and
who, instead of entwining their soft arms around their husbands and
brothers, to restrain them from the hot strife of opinions, cheer
them on by their encouragement and throw dirt with the volubility
and wit of fish-women."

"Miss Poke, to the backbone!"

"In short, sir, I expect to see an entirely different state of
things at Leaplow. There, when a political adversary is bespattered
with mud, your gentle monikinas, doubtless, appease anger by mild
soothings of philosophy, tempering zeal by wisdom, and regulating
error by apt and unanswerable quotations from that great charter
which is based on the eternal and immutable principles of right."

"Well, Sir John, if you speak in this elocutionary manner in the
house," cried the delighted Noah, "I shall be shy of answering. I
doubt, now, if the brigadier himself could repeat all you have just
said."

"I have forgotten to inquire, Mr. Downright, a little about your
Leaplow constituency. The suffrage is, beyond question, confined to
those members of society who possess a 'social stake.'"

"Certainly, Sir John, They who live and breathe."

"Surely none vote but those who possess the money, and houses, and
lands of the country?"

"Sir, you are altogether in error; all vote who possess ears, and
eyes, and noses, and bobs, and lives, and hopes, and wishes, and
feelings, and wants. Wants we conceive to be a much truer test of
political fidelity, than possessions."

"This is novel doctrine, indeed! but it is in direct hostility to
the social-stake system."

"You were never more right, Sir John, as respects your own theory,
or never more wrong as respects the truth. In Leaplow we contend--
and contend justly--that there is no broader or bolder fallacy than
to say that a representation of mere effects, whether in houses,
lands, merchandise, or money, is a security for a good government.
Property is affected by measures; and the more a monikin has, the
greater is the bribe to induce him to consult his own interests,
although it should be at the expense of those of everybody else."

"But, sir, the interest of the community is composed of the
aggregate of these interests."

"Your pardon, Sir John; nothing is composed of it, but the aggregate
of the interests of a class. If your government is instituted for
their benefit only, your social-stake system is all well enough; but
if the object be the general good, you have no choice but to trust
its custody to the general keeping. Let us suppose two men--since
you happen to be a man, and not a monikin--let us suppose two men
perfectly equal in morals, intelligence, public virtue and
patriotism, one of whom shall be rich and the other shall have
nothing. A crisis arrives in the affairs of their common country,
and both are called upon to exercise their franchise, on a question-
-as almost all great questions must--that unavoidably will have some
influence on property generally. Which would give the most impartial
vote--he who, of necessity, must be swayed by his personal interest,
or he who has no inducement of the sort to go astray?"

"Certainly he who has nothing to influence him to go wrong. But the
question is not fairly put--"

"Your pardon, Sir John--it is put fairly as an abstract question,
and one that is to prove a principle. I am glad to hear you say that
a man would be apt to decide in this manner; for it shows his
identity with a monikin. We hold that all of us are apt to think
most of ourselves on such occasions."

"My dear brigadier, do not mistake sophistry for reason. Surely, if
power belonged only to the poor--and the poor, or the comparatively
poor, always compose the mass--they would exercise it in a way to
strip the rich of their possessions."

"We think not, in Leaplow. Cases might exist, in which such a state
of things would occur under a reaction; but reactions imply abuses,
and are not to be quoted to maintain a principle. He who was drunk
yesterday, may need an unnatural stimulus to-day; while he who is
uniformly temperate preserves his proper tone of body without
recourse to a remedy so dangerous. Such an experiment, under a
strong provocation, might possibly be made; but it could scarcely be
made twice among any people, and not even once among a people that
submits in season to a just division of its authority, since it is
obviously destructive of a leading principle of civilization.
According to our monikin histories, all the attacks upon property
have been produced by property's grasping at more than fairly
belongs to its immunities. If you make political power a concomitant
of property, both may go together, certainly; but if kept separate,
the danger to the latter will never exceed the danger in which it is
put daily by the arts of the money-getters, who are, in truth, the
greatest foes of property, as it belongs to others."

I remembered Sir Joseph Job, and could not but admit that the
brigadier had, at least, some truth on his side.

"But do you deny that the sentiment of property elevates the mind,
ennobles, and purifies?"

"Sir, I do not pretend to determine what may be the fact among men,
but we hold among monikins, that 'the love of money is the root of
all evil.'"

"How, sir, do you account the education which is a consequence of
property as nothing?"

"If you mean, my dear Sir John, that which property is most apt to
teach, we hold it to be selfishness; but if you mean that he who has
money, as a rule, will also have in formation to guide him aright, I
must answer, that experience, which is worth a thousand theories,
tells us differently. We find that on questions which are purely
between those who have, and those who have not, the HAVES are
commonly united, and we think this would be the fact if they were as
unschooled as bears; but on all other questions, they certainly do
great discredit to education, unless you admit that there are in
every case TWO rights; for, with us, the most highly educated
generally take the two extremes of every argument. I state this to
be the fact with monikins, you will remember--doubtless, educated
men agree much better."

"But, my good brigadier, if your position about the greater
impartiality and independence of the elector who is not influenced
by his private interests be true, a country would do well to submit
its elections to a body of foreign umpires."

"It would indeed, Sir John, if it were certain these foreign umpires
would not abuse the power to their own particular advantage, if they
could have the feelings and sentiments which ennoble and purify a
nation far more than money, and if it were possible they could
thoroughly understand the character, habits, wants, and resources of
another people. As things are, therefore, we believe it is wisest to
trust our own elections to ourselves--not to a portion of ourselves,
but to all of ourselves."

"Immigrants included," put in the captain.

"Why, we do carry the principle well out in the case of gentlemen
like yourselves," returned the brigadier, politely, "but liberality
is a virtue. As a principle, Sir John, your idea of referring the
choice of our representatives to strangers has more merit than you
probably imagine, though, certainly, impracticable, for the reasons
already given. When we seek justice, we commonly look out for some
impartial judge. Such a judge is unattainable, however, in the
matter of the interests of a state, for the simple reason that power
of this sort, permanently wielded, would be perverted on a principle
which, after a most scrupulous analysis, we have been compelled to
admit is incorporated with the very monikin nature--viz.,
selfishness. I make no manner of doubt that you men, however, are
altogether superior to an influence so unworthy?"

Here I could only borrow the use of the brigadier's "Hum!"

"Having ascertained that it would not do to submit the control of
our affairs to utter strangers, or to those whose interests are not
identified with our own, we set about seeing what could be done with
a selection from among ourselves. Here we were again met by that
same obstinate principle of selfishness; and we were finally driven
to take shelter in the experiment of intrusting the interests of all
to the management of all."

"And, sir, are these the opinions of Leaphigh?"

"Very far from it. The difference between Leaphigh and Leaplow is
just this: the Leaphighers, being an ancient people, with a thousand
vested interests, are induced, as time improves the mind, to seek
reasons for their facts; while we Leaplowers, being unshackled by
any such restraints, have been able to make an effort to form our
facts on our reasons."

"Why do you, then, so much prize Leaphigh opinions on Leaplow
facts?"

"Why does every little monikin believe his own father and mother to
be just the two wisest, best, most virtuous, and discreetest old
monikins in the whole world, until time, opportunity, and experience
show him his error?"

"Do you make no exceptions, then, in your franchise, but admit every
citizen who, as you say, has a nose, ears, bob, and wants, to the
exercise of the suffrage?"

"Perhaps we are less scrupulous on this head than we ought to be,
since we do not make ignorance and want of character bars to the
privilege. Qualifications beyond mere birth and existence may be
useful, but they are badly chosen when they are brought to the test
of purely material possessions. This practice has arisen in the
world from the fact that they who had property had power, and not
because they ought to have it."

"My dear brigadier, this is flying in the face of all experience."

"For the reason just given, and because all experience has hitherto
commenced at the wrong end. Society should be constructed as you
erect a house; not from the roof down, but from the foundation
upwards."

"Admitting, however, that your house has been badly constructed at
first, in repairing it, would you tear away the walls at random, at
the risk of bringing all down about your ears?"

"I would first see that sufficient props were reared, and then
proceed with vigor, though always with caution. Courage in such an
experiment is less to be dreaded than timidity. Half the evils of
life, social, personal and political, are as much the effects of
moral cowardice as of fraud."

I then told the brigadier, that as his countrymen rejected the
inducements of property in the selection of the political base of
their social compact, I expected to find a capital substitute in
virtue.

"I have always heard that virtue is the great essential of a free
people, and doubtless you Leaplowers are perfect models in this
important particular?"

The brigadier smiled before he answered me, first looking about to
the right and left, as if to regale himself with the odor of
perfection.

"Many theories have been broached on these subjects," he replied,
"in which there has been some confusion between cause and effect.
Virtue is no more a cause of freedom, except as it is connected with
intelligence, than vice is a cause of slavery. Both may be
consequences, but it is not easy to say how either is necessarily a
cause. There is a homely saying among us monikins, which is quite to
the point in this matter: 'Set a rogue to catch a rogue.' Now, the
essence of a free government is to be found in the responsibility of
its agents. He who governs without responsibility is a master, while
he who discharges the duties of a functionary under a practical
responsibility is a servant. This is the only true test of
governments, let them be mystified as they may in other respects.
Responsibility to the mass of the nation is the criterion of
freedom. Now responsibility is the SUBSTITUTE for virtue in a
politician, as discipline is the substitute for courage in a
soldier. An army of brave monikins without discipline, would be very
apt to be worsted by an army of monikins of less natural spirit,
with discipline. So a corps of originally virtuous politicians,
without responsibility, would be very apt to do more selfish,
lawless, and profligate acts, than a corps of less virtue, who were
kept rigidly under the rod of responsibility. Unrestrained power is
a great corrupter of virtue, of itself; while the liabilities of a
restrained authority are very apt to keep it in check. At least,
such is the fact with us monikins--men very possibly get along
better."

"Let me tell you, Mr. Downright, you are now uttering opinions that
are diametrically opposed to those of the world, which considers
virtue an indispensable ingredient in a republic."

"The world--meaning always the monikin world--knows very little
about real political liberty, except as a theory. We of Leaplow are,
in effect, the only people who have had much to do with it, and I am
now telling you what is the result of my own observation, in my own
country. If monikins were purely virtuous, there would be no
necessity for government at all; but, being what they are, we think
it wisest to set them to watch each other."

"But yours is self-government, which implies self-restraint; and
self-restraint is but another word for virtue."

"If the merit of our system depended on self-government, in your
signification, or on self-restraint, in any signification, it would
not be worth the trouble of this argument, Sir John Goldencalf. This
is one of those balmy fallacies with which ill-judging moralists
endeavor to stimulate monikins to good deeds. Our government is
based on a directly opposite principle; that of watching and
restraining each other, instead of trusting to our ability to
restrain ourselves. It is the want of responsibility, and not of
constant and active presence, which infers virtue and self-control.
No one would willingly lay legal restraints on himself in anything,
while all are very happy to restrain their neighbors. This refers to
the positive and necessary rules of intercourse, and the
establishment of rights; as to mere morality, laws do very little
towards enforcing its ordinances. Morals usually come of
instruction; and when all have political power, instruction is a
security that all desire."

"But when all vote, all may wish to abuse their trust to their own
especial advantage, and a political chaos will be the consequence."

"Such a result is impossible, except as especial advantage is
identified with general advantage. A community can no more buy
itself in this manner, than a monikin can eat himself, let him be as
ravenous as he will. Admitting that all are rogues, necessity would
compel a compromise."

"You make out a plausible theory, and I have little doubt that I
shall find you the wisest, the most logical, the discreetest, and
the most consistent community I have yet visited. But another word:
how is it that our friend the judge gave such equivocal instructions
to his charge; and why, in particular, did he lay so much stress on
the employment of means, which gave the lie flatly to all you have
told me?"

Brigadier Downright hereupon stroked his chin, and observed that he
thought there might possibly be a shift of wind; and he also
wondered (quite audibly), when we should make the land. I afterwards
persuaded him to allow that a monikin was but a monikin, after all,
whether he had the advantages of universal suffrage, or lived under
a despot.




CHAPTER XXIV.

AN ARRIVAL--AN ELECTION--ARCHITECTURE--A ROLLING-PIN, AND PATRIOTISM
OF THE MOST APPROVED WATER.


In due time the coast of Leaplow made its appearance, close under
our larboard bow. So sudden was our arrival in this novel and
extraordinary country, that we were very near running on it, before
we got a glimpse of its shores. The seamanship of Captain Poke,
however, stood us in hand; and, by the aid of a very clever pilot,
we were soon safely moored in the harbor of Bivouac. In this happy
land, there was no registration, no passports, "no nothin'"--as Mr.
Poke pointedly expressed it. The formalities were soon observed,
although I had occasion to remark, how much easier, after all, it is
to get along in this world with vice than with virtue. A bribe
offered to a custom-house officer was refused; and the only trouble
I had, on the occasion, arose from this awkward obtrusion of a
conscience. However, the difficulty was overcome, though not quite
as easily as if douceurs had happened to be in fashion; and we were
permitted to land with all our necessary effects.

The city of Bivouac presented a singular aspect as I first put foot
within its hallowed streets. The houses were all covered with large
placards, which, at first, I took to be lists of the wares to be
vended, for the place is notoriously commercial; but which, on
examination, I soon discovered were merely electioneering handbills.
The reader will figure to himself my pleasure and surprise, on
reading the first that offered. It ran as follows:

"HORIZONTAL NOMINATION.

"Horizontal-Systematic-Indoctrinated-Republicans: Attention!

"Your sacred rights are in danger; your dearest liberties are
menaced; your wives and children are on the point of dissolution;
the infamous and unconstitutional position that the sun gives light
by day, and the moon by night, is openly and impudently propagated,
and now is the only occasion that will probably ever offer to arrest
an error so pregnant with deception and domestic evils. We present
to your notice a suitable defender of all those near and dear
interests, in the person of"

"JOHN GOLDENCALF,"

"the known patriot, the approved legislator, the profound
philosopher, the incorruptible statesman. To our adopted fellow-
citizens we need not recommend Mr. Goldencalf, for he is truly one
of themselves; to the native citizens we will only say, 'Try him,
and you will be more than satisfied.'"

I found this placard of great use, for it gave me the first
information I had yet had of the duty I was expected to perform in
the coming session of the great council; which was merely to
demonstrate that the moon gave light by day, and that the sun gave
light by night. Of course, I immediately set about, in my own mind,
hunting up the proper arguments by which this grave political
hypothesis was to be properly maintained. The next placard was in
favor

"NOAH POKE,"

"the experienced navigator, who will conduct the ship of state into
the haven of prosperity--the practical astronomer who knows by
frequent observations, that lunars are not to be got in the dark."

"Perpendiculars, be plumb, and lay your enemies on their backs!"

After this I fell in with--

"THE HONORABLE ROBERT SMUT,"

"is confidently recommended to all their fellow-citizens by the
nominating committee of the Anti-Approved-Sublimated-Politico-
Tangents, as the real gentleman, a ripe scholar, [Footnote: I
afterwards found this was a common phrase in Leaplow, being
uniformly applied to every monikin who wore spectacles.] an
enlightened politician, and a sound Democrat."

"But I should fill the manuscript with nothing else, were I to record
a tithe of the commendations and abuse that were heaped on us all,
by a community to whom, as yet, we were absolutely strangers. A
single sample of the latter will suffice."

"AFFIDAVIT."

"Personally appeared before me, John Equity, justice of the peace,
Peter Veracious, etc., etc., who, being duly sworn upon the Holy
Evangelists, doth depose and say, viz.: That he was intimately
acquainted with one John Goldencalf in his native country, and that
he is personally knowing to the fact that he, the said John
Goldencalf, has three wives, seven illegitimate children, is
moreover a bankrupt without character, and that he was obliged to
emigrate in consequence of having stolen a sheep."

"Sworn, etc."

"(Signed,) PETER VERACIOUS."

I naturally felt a little indignant at this impudent statement, and
was about to call upon the first passer-by for the address of Mr.
Veracious, when the skirts of my skin were seized by one of the
Horizontal nominating committee, and I was covered with
congratulations on my being happily elected. Success is an admirable
plaster for all wounds, and I really forgot to have the affair of
the sheep and of the illegitimate children inquired into; although I
still protest, that had fortune been less propitious, the rascal who
promulgated this calumny would have been made to smart for his
temerity. In less than five minutes it was the turn of Captain Poke.
He, too, was congratulated in due form; for, as it appeared, the
"immigrant interest," as Noah termed it, had actually carried a
candidate on each of the two great opposing tickets. Thus far, all
was well; for, after sharing his mess so long, I had not the
smallest objection to sit in the Leaplow parliament with the worthy
sealer; but our mutual surprise, and I believe I might add,
indignation, were a good deal excited, by shortly encountering a
walking notice, which contained a programme of the proceedings to be
observed at the "Reception of the Honorable Robert Smut."

It would seem that the Horizontals and the Perpendiculars had made
so many spurious and mystified ballots, in order to propitiate the
Tangents, and to cheat each other, that this young blackguard
actually stood at the head of the poll!--a political phenomenon, as
I subsequently discovered, however, by no means of rare occurrence
in the Leaplow history of the periodical selection of the wisest and
best.

There was certainly an accumulation of interest on arriving in a
strange land, to find one's self both extolled and vituperated on
most of the corners in its capital, and to be elected to its
parliament, all in the same day. Still, I did not permit myself to
be either so much elated or so much depressed, as not to have all my
eyes about me, in order to get as correctly as possible, and as
quickly as possible, some insight into the characters, tastes,
habits, wishes, and wants of my constituents.

I have already declared that it is my intention to dwell chiefly on
the moral excellences and peculiarities of the people of the monikin
world. Still I could not walk through the streets of Bivouac without
observing a few physical usages, that I shall mention, because they
have an evident connection with the state of society, and the
historical recollections of this interesting portion of the polar
region.

In the first place, I remarked that all sorts of quadrupeds are just
as much at home in the promenades of the town, as the inhabitants
themselves, a fact that I make no doubt has some very proper
connection with that principle of equal rights on which the
institutions of the country are established. In the second place, I
could not but see that their dwellings are constructed on the very
minimum of base, propping each other, as emblematic of the mutual
support obtained by the republican system, and seeking their
development in height for the want of breadth; a singularity of
customs that I did not hesitate at once to refer to a usage of
living in trees, at an epoch not very remote. In the third place, I
noted, instead of entering their dwellings near the ground like men,
and indeed like most other unfledged animals, that they ascend by
means of external steps to an aperture about half-way between the
roof and the earth, where, having obtained admission, they go up or
down within the building, as occasion requires. This usage, I made
no question, was preserved from the period (and that, too, no
distant one), when the savage condition of the country induced them
to seek protection against the ravages of wild beasts, by having
recourse to ladders, which were drawn up after the family into the
top of the tree, as the sun sank beneath the horizon. These steps or
ladders are generally of some white material, in order that they
may, even now, be found in the dark, should the danger be urgent;
although I do not know that Bivouac is a more disorderly or unsafe
town than another, in the present day. But habits linger in the
usages of a people, and are often found to exist as fashions, long
after the motive of their origin has ceased and been forgotten. As a
proof of this, many of the dwellings of Bivouac have still enormous
iron chevaux-de-frise before the doors, and near the base of the
stone-ladders; a practice unquestionably taken from the original,
unsophisticated, domestic defences of this wary and enterprising
race. Among a great many of these chevaux-de-frise, I remarked
certain iron images, that resemble the kings of chess-men, and which
I took, at first, to be symbols of the calculating qualities of the
owners of the mansions--a species of republican heraldry--but which
the brigadier told me, on inquiry, were no more than a fashion that
had descended from the custom of having stuffed images before the
doors, in the early days of the settlement, to frighten away the
beasts at night, precisely as we station scarecrows in a corn-field.
Two of these well-padded sentinels, with a stick stuck up in a fire-
lock attitude, he assured me, had often been known to maintain a
siege of a week, against a she-bear and a numerous family of hungry
cubs, in the olden times; and, now that the danger was gone, he
presumed the families which had caused these iron monuments to be
erected, had done so to record some marvellous risks of this nature,
from which their forefathers had escaped by means of so ingenious an
expedient.

Everything in Bivouac bears the impress of the sublime principle of
the institutions. The houses of the private citizens, for instance,
overtop the roofs of all the public edifices, to show that the
public is merely a servant of the citizen. Even the churches have
this peculiarity, proving that the road to heaven is not independent
of the popular will. The great Hall of Justice, an edifice of which
the Bivouackers are exceedingly proud, is constructed in the same
recumbent style, the architect, with a view to protect himself from
the imputation of believing that the firmament was within reach of
his hand, having taken the precaution to run up a wooden finger-
board from the centre of the building, which points to the place
where, according to the notions of all other people, the ridge of
the roof itself should have been raised. So very apparent was this
peculiarity, Noah observed, that it seemed to him as if the whole
"'arth" had been rolled down by a great political rolling-pin, by
way of giving the country its finishing touch.

While making these remarks, one drew near at a brisk trot, who, Mr.
Downright observed, eagerly desired our acquaintance. Surprised at
his pretending to know such a fact without any previous
communication, I took the liberty of asking why he thought that we
were the particular objects of the other's haste.

"Simply because you are fresh arrivals. This person is one of a
sufficiently numerous class among us, who, devoured by a small
ambition, seek notoriety--which, by the way, they are near obtaining
in more respects than they probably desire--by obtruding themselves
on every stranger who touches our shore. Theirs is not a generous
and frank hospitality that would fain serve others, but an irritable
vanity that would glorify themselves. The liberal and enlightened
monikin is easily to be distinguished from all of this clique. He is
neither ashamed of, nor bigoted in favor of any usages, simply
because they are domestic. With him the criterions of merit are
propriety, taste, expediency, and fitness. He distinguishes, while
these crave; he neither wholly rejects, nor wholly lives by,
imitation, but judges for himself, and uses his experience as a
respectable and useful guide; while these think that all they can
attain that is beyond the reach of their neighbors, is, as a matter
of course, the sole aim of life. Strangers they seek, because they
have long since decreed that this country, with its usages, its
people, and all it contains, being founded on popular rights, is all
that is debased and vulgar, themselves and a few of their own
particular friends excepted; and they are never so happy as when
they are gloating on, and basking in, the secondary refinements of
what we call the 'old region.' Their own attainments, however, being
pretty much godsends, or such as we all pick up in our daily
intercourse, they know nothing of any foreign country but Leaphigh,
whose language we happen to speak; and, as Leaphigh is also the very
beau ideal of exclusion, in its usages, opinions, and laws, they
deem all who come from that part of the earth, as rather more
entitled to their profound homage than any other strangers."

Here Judge People's Friend, who had been vigorously pumping the
nominating committee on the subject of the chances of the little
wheel, suddenly left us, with a sneaking, self-abased air, and with
his nose to the ground, like a dog who has just caught a fresh
scent.

The next time we met with the ex-envoy, he was in mourning for some
political backsliding that I never comprehended. He had submitted to
a fresh amputation of the bob, and had so thoroughly humbled the
seat of reason, that it was not possible for the most envious and
malignant disposition to fancy he had a particle of brains left. He
had, moreover, caused every hair to be shaved off his body, which
was as naked as the hand, and altogether he presented an edifying
picture of penitence and self-abasement. I afterwards understood
that this purification was considered perfectly satisfactory, and
that he was thought to be, again, within the limits of the most
patriotic patriots.

In the meantime the Bivouacker had approached me, and was introduced
as Mr. Gilded Wriggle.

"Count Poke de Stunnin'tun, my good sir," said the brigadier, who
was the master of ceremonies on this occasion, "and the Mogul
Goldencalf--both noblemen of ancient lineage, admirable privileges,
and of the purest water; gentlemen who, when they are at home, have
six dinners daily, always sleep on diamonds, and whose castles are
none of them less than six leagues in extent."

"My friend General Downright has taken too much pains, gentlemen,"
interrupted our new acquaintance, "your rank and extraction being
self-evident. Welcome to Leaplow! I beg you will make free with my
house, my dog, my cat, my horse, and myself. I particularly beg that
your first, your last, and all the intermediate visits, will be to
me. Well, Mogul, what do you really think of us? You have now been
on shore long enough to have formed a pretty accurate notion of our
institutions and habits. I beg you will not judge of all of us by
what you see in the streets--"

"It is not my intention, sir."

"You are cautious, I perceive? We are in an awful condition, I
confess; trampled on by the vulgar, and far--very far from being the
people that, I dare say, you expected to see. I couldn't be made the
assistant alderman of my ward, if I wished it, sir--too much
jacobism; the people are fools, sir; know nothing, sir; not fit to
rule themselves, much less their betters, sir. Here have a set of
us, some hundreds in this very town, been telling them what fools
they are, how unfit they are to manage their own affairs, and how
fast they are going to the devil, any time these twenty years, and
still we have not yet persuaded them to entrust one of us with
authority! To say the truth, we are in a most miserable condition,
and, if anything COULD ruin this country, democracy would have
ruined it just thirty-five years ago."

Here the wailings of Mr. Wriggle were interrupted by the wailings of
Count Poke de Stunnin'tun. The latter, by gazing in admiration at
the speaker, had inadvertently struck his toe against one of the
forty-three thousand seven hundred and sixty inequalities of the
pavement (for everything in Leaplow is exactly equal, except the
streets and highways), and fallen forwards on his nose. I have
already had occasion to allude to the sealer's readiness in using
opprobrious epithets. This contre-temps happened in the principal
street of Bivouac, or in what is called the Wide-path, an avenue of
more than a league in extent; but notwithstanding its great length,
Noah took it up at one end and abused it all the way to the other,
with a precision, fidelity, rapidity and point, that excited general
admiration. "It was the dirtiest, worst paved, meanest, vilest,
street he had ever seen, and if they had it at Stunnin'tun, instead
of using it as a street at all, they would fence it up at each end,
and turn it into a hog-lot." Here Brigadier Downright betrayed
unequivocal signs of alarm. Drawing us aside, he vehemently demanded
of the captain if he were mad, to berate in this unheard-of manner
the touchstone of Bivouac sentiment, nationality, taste, and
elegance! This street was never spoken of except by the use of
superlatives; a usage, by the way, that Noah himself had by no means
neglected. It was commonly thought to be the longest and the
shortest, the widest and the narrowest, the best built and the worst
built avenue in the universe. "Whatever you say or do," he
continued, "whatever you think or believe, never deny the
superlatives of the Wide-path. If asked if you ever saw a street so
crowded, although there be room to wheel a regiment, swear it is
stifling; if required to name another promenade so free from
interruption, protest, by your soul, that the place is a desert! Say
what you will of the institutions of the country--"

"How!" I exclaimed; "of the sacred rights of monikins?"

"Bedaub them, and the mass of the monikins, too, with just as much
filth as you please. Indeed, if you wish to circulate freely in
genteel society, I would advise you to get a pretty free use of the
words, 'jacobins,' 'rabble,' 'mob,' 'agrarians,' 'canaille' and
'democrats'; for they recommend many to notice who possess nothing
else. In our happy and independent country it is a sure sign of
lofty sentiment, a finished education, a regulated intellect, and a
genteel intercourse, to know how to bespatter all that portion of
your fellow-creatures, for instance, who live in one-story
edifices."

"I find all this very extraordinary, your government being
professedly a government of the mass!"

"You have intuitively discovered the reason--is it not fashionable
to abuse the government everywhere? Whatever you do, in genteel
life, ought to be based on liberal and elevated principles; and
therefore, abuse all that is animate in Leaplow, the present
company, with their relatives and quadrupeds, excepted; but do not
raise your blaspheming tongue against anything that is inanimate!
Respect, I entreat of you, the houses, the trees, the rivers, the
mountains, and, above all, in Bivouac, respect the Wide-path! We are
a people of lively sensibilities, and are tender of the reputations
of even our stocks and stones. Even the Leaplow philosophers are all
of a mind on this subject."

"King!"

"Can you account for this very extraordinary peculiarity,
brigadier?"

"Surely you cannot be ignorant that all which is property is sacred!
We have a great respect for property, sir, and do not like to hear
our wares underrated. But lay it on the mass so much the harder, and
you will only be thought to be in possession of a superior and a
refined intelligence."

Here we turned again to Mr. Wriggle, who was dying to be noticed
once more.

"Ah! gentlemen, last from Leaphigh!"--he had been questioning one of
our attendants--"how comes on that great and consistent people?"

"As usual, sir;--great and consistent."

"I think, however, we are quite their equals, eh?--chips of the same
blocks?"

"No, sir--blocks of the same chips."

Mr. Wriggle laughed, and appeared pleased with the compliment; and I
wished I had even laid it on a little thicker.

"Well, Mogul, what are our great forefathers about? Still pulling to
pieces that sublime fabric of a constitution, which has so long been
the wonder of the world, and my especial admiration?"

"They are talking of changes, sir, although I believe they have
effected no great matter. The primate of all Leaphigh, I had
occasion to remark, still has seven joints to his tail."

"Ah! they are a wonderful people, sir!" said Wriggle, looking
ruefully at his own bob, which, as I afterwards understood, was a
mere natural abortion. "I detest change, sir; were I a Leaphigher, I
would die in my tail!"

"One for whom nature has done so much in this way, is to be excused
a little enthusiasm."

"A most miraculous people, sir--the wonder of the world--and their
institutions are the greatest prodigy of the times!"

"That is well remarked, Wriggle," put in the brigadier; "for they
have been tinkering them, and altering them, any time these five
hundred and fifty years, and still they remain precisely the same!"

"Very true, brigadier, very true--the marvel of our times! But,
gentlemen, what do you indeed think of us? I shall not let you off
with generalities. You have now been long enough on shore to have
formed some pretty distinct notions about us, and I confess I should
be glad to hear them. Speak the truth with candor--are we not most
miserable, forlorn, disreputable devils, after all?"

I disclaimed the ability to judge of the social condition of a
people on so short an acquaintance; but to this Mr. Wriggle would
not listen. He insisted that I must have been particularly disgusted
with the coarseness and want of refinement in the rabble, as he
called the mass, who, by the way, had already struck me as being
relatively much the better part of the population, so far as I had
seen things--more than commonly decent, quiet, and civil. Mr.
Wriggle, also, very earnestly and piteously begged I would not judge
of the whole country by such samples as I might happen to fall in
with in the highways.

"I trust, Mogul, you will have charity to believe we are not all of
us quite so bad as appearances, no doubt, make us in your polished
eyes. These rude beings are spoiled by our jacobinical laws; but we
have a class, sir, that IS different. But, if you will not touch on
the people, how do you like the town, sir? A poor place, no doubt,
after your own ancient capitals?"

"Time will remedy all that, Mr. Wriggle."

"Do you then think we really want time? Now, that house at the
corner, there, to my taste is fit for a gentleman in any country--
eh?"

"No doubt, sir, fit for one."

"This is but a poor street in the eyes of you travellers, I know,
this Wide-path of ours; though we think it rather sublime?"

"You do yourself injustice, Mr. Wriggle; though not equal to many of
the---"

"How, sir, the Wide-path not equal to anything on earth! I know
several people who have been in the old world [so the Leaplowers
call the regions of Leaphigh, Leapup, Leapdown, etc.] and they swear
there is not as fine a street in any part of it. I have not had the
good fortune to travel, sir; but, sir, permit me, sir, to say, sir,
that some of them, sir, that HAVE travelled, sir, think, sir, the
Wide-path, the most magnificent public avenue, sir, that their
experienced eyes ever beheld, sir--yes, sir, that their very
experienced eyes ever beheld, sir."

"I have seen so little of it, as yet, Mr. Wriggle, that you will
pardon me if I have spoken hastily."

"Oh! no offence--I despise the monikin who is not above local
vanities and provincial admiration! You ought to have seen that,
sir, for I frankly admit, sir, that no rabble can be worse than
ours, and that we are all going to the devil, as fast as ever we
can. No, sir, a most miserable rabble, sir.--But as for this street,
and our houses, and our cats, and our dogs, and certain exceptions--
you understand me, sir--it is quite a different thing. Pray, Mogul,
who is the greatest personage, now, in your nation?"

"Perhaps I ought to say the Duke of Wellington, sir."

"Well, sir, allow me to ask if he lives in a better house than that
before us?--I see you are delighted, eh? We are a poor, new nation
of pitiful traders, sir, half savage, as everybody knows; but we DO
flatter ourselves that we know how to build a house! Will you just
step in and see a new sofa that its owner bought only yesterday--I
know him intimately, and nothing gives me so much pleasure as to
show his new sofa."

I declined the invitation on the plea of fatigue, and by this means
got rid of so troublesome an acquaintance. On leaving me, however,
he begged that I would not fail to make his house my home, swore
terribly at the rabble, and invited me to admire a very ordinary
view that was to be obtained by looking up the Wide-path in a
particular direction, but which embraced his own abode. When Mr.
Wriggle was fairly out of earshot, I demanded of the brigadier if
Bivouac, or Leaplow, contained many such prodigies.

"Enough to make themselves very troublesome, and us ridiculous,"
returned Mr. Downright. "We are a young nation, Sir John, covering a
great surface, with a comparatively small population, and, as you
are aware, separated from the other parts of the monikin region by a
belt of ocean. In some respects we are like people in the country,
and we possess the merits and failings of those who are so situated.
Perhaps no nation has a larger share of reflecting and essentially
respectable inhabitants than Leaplow; but, not satisfied with being
what circumstances so admirably fit them to be, there is a clique
among us, who, influenced by the greater authority of older nations,
pine to be that which neither nature, education, manners, nor
facilities will just yet allow them to become. In short, sir, we
have the besetting sin of a young community--imitation. In our case
the imitation is not always happy, either; it being necessarily an
imitation that is founded on descriptions. If the evil were limited
to mere social absurdities, it might be laughed at--but that
inherent desire of distinction, which is the most morbid and
irritable, unhappily, in the minds of those who are the least able
to attain anything more than a very vulgar notoriety, is just as
active here, as it is elsewhere; and some who have got wealth, and
who can never get more than what is purely dependent on wealth,
affect to despise those who are not as fortunate as themselves in
this particular. In their longings for pre-eminence, they turn to
other states (Leaphigh, more especially, which is the beau ideal of
all nations and people who wish to set up a caste in opposition to
despotism) for rules of thought, and declaim against that very mass
which is at the bottom of all their prosperity, by obstinately
refusing to allow of any essential innovation on the common rights.
In addition to these social pretenders, we have our political
Indoctrinated."

"Indoctrinated! Will you explain the meaning of the term?"

"Sir, an Indoctrinated is one of a political school who holds to the
validity of certain theories which have been made to justify a set
of adventitious facts, as is eminently the case in our own great
model, Leaphigh. We are peculiarly placed in this country. Here, as
a rule, facts--meaning political and social facts--are greatly in
advance of opinion, simply because the former are left chiefly to
their own free action, and the latter is necessarily trammelled by
habit and prejudice; while in the 'old region' opinion, as a rule--
and meaning the leading or better opinion--is greatly in advance of
facts, because facts are restrained by usage and personal interests,
and opinion is incited by study, and the necessity of change."

"Permit me to say, brigadier, that I find your present institutions
a remarkable result to follow such a state of things."

"They are a cause, rather than a consequence. Opinion, as a whole,
is everywhere on the advance; and it is further advanced even here,
as a whole, than anywhere else. Accident has favored the foundation
of the social compact; and once founded, the facts have been
hastening to their consummation faster than the monikin mind has
been able to keep company with them. This is a remarkable but true
state of the whole region. In other monikin countries, you see
opinion tugging at rooted practices, and making desperate efforts to
eradicate them from their bed of vested interests, while here you
see facts dragging opinion after them like a tail wriggling behind a
kite. [Footnote: One would think that Brigadier Downright had lately
paid a visit to our own happy and much enlightened land. Fifty years
since, the negro was a slave in New York, and incapable of
contracting marriage with a white. Facts have, however, been
progressive; and, from one privilege to another, he has at length
obtained that of consulting his own tastes in this matter, and, so
far as he himself is concerned, of doing as he pleases. This is the
fact, but he who presumes to speak of it has his windows broken by
opinion, for his pains! NOTE BY THE EDITOR] As to our purely social
imitation and social follies, absurd as they are, they are
necessarily confined to a small and an immaterial class; but the
Indoctrinated spirit is a much more serious affair. That unsettles
confidence, innovates on the right, often innocently and ignorantly,
and causes the vessel of state to sail like a ship with a drag
towing in her wake."

"This is truly a novel condition for an enlightened monikin nation."

"No doubt, men manage better; but of all this you will learn more in
the great council. You may, perhaps, think it strange that our facts
should preserve their ascendency in opposition to so powerful a foe
as opinion; but you will remember that a great majority of our
people, if not absolutely on a level with circumstances, being
purely practical, are much nearer to this level, than the class
termed the endoctrinated. The last are troublesome and delusive,
rather than overwhelming."

"To return to Mr. Wriggle--is his sect numerous?"

"His class flourishes most in the towns. In Leaplow we are greatly
in want of a capital, where the cultivated, educated, and well-
mannered can assemble, and, placed by their habits and tastes above
the ordinary motives and feelings of the less instructed, they might
form a more healthful, independent, appropriate, and manly public
sentiment than that which now pervades the country. As things are,
the real elite of this community are so scattered, as rather to
receive an impression FROM, than to impart one TO society, The
Leaplow Wriggles, as you have just witnessed, are selfish and
exacting as to their personal pretensions, irritably confident as to
the merit of any particular excellence which limits their own
experience, and furiously proscribing to those whom they fancy less
fortunate than themselves."

"Good heavens!--brigadier--all this is excessively human!"

"Ah! it is--is it? Well, this is certainly the way with us monikins.
Our Wriggles are ashamed of exactly that portion of our population
of which they have most reason to be proud, viz., the mass; and they
are proud of precisely that portion of which they have most reason
to be ashamed, viz., themselves. But plenty of opportunities will
offer to look further into this; and we will now hasten to the inn."

As the brigadier appeared to chafe under the subject, I remained
silent, following him as fast as I could, but keeping my eyes open,
the reader may be very sure, as we went along. There was one
peculiarity I could not but remark in this singular town. It was
this:--all the houses were smeared over with some colored earth, and
then, after all this pains had been taken to cover the material, an
artist was employed to make white marks around every separate
particle of the fabric (and they were in millions), which ingenious
particularity gives the dwellings a most agreeable air of detail,
imparting to the architecture, in general, a sublimity that is based
on the multiplication table. If to this be added the black of the
chevaux-de-frise, the white of the entrance-ladders, and a sort of
standing-collar to the whole, immediately under the eves, of some
very dazzling hue, the effect is not unlike that of a platoon of
drummers, in scarlet coats, cotton lace, and cuffs and capes of
white. What renders the similitude more striking, is the fact that
no two of the same plantoon appear to be exactly of a size, as is
very apt to be the case with your votaries in military music.




CHAPTER XXV.

A FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE, A FUNDAMENTAL LAW, AND A FUNDAMENTAL ERROR.


The people of Leaplow are remarkable for the deliberation of their
acts, the moderation of their views, and the accumulation of their
wisdom. As a matter of course such a people is never in an indecent
haste. Although I have now been legally naturalized, and regularly
elected to the great council fully twenty-four hours, three entire
days were allowed for the study of the institutions, and to become
acquainted with the genius of a nation, who, according to their own
account of the matter, have no parallel in heaven or earth, or in
the waters under the earth, before I was called upon to exercise my
novel and important functions. I profited by the delay and shall
seize a favorable moment to make the reader acquainted with some of
my acquisitions on this interesting topic.

The institutions of Leaplow are divided into two great moral
categories, viz.: the LEGAL and the SUBSTITUTIVE. The former
embraces the provisions of the great ELEMENTARY, and the latter all
the provisions of the great ALIMENTARY principle. The first,
accordingly, is limited by the constitution, or the Great National
Allegory, while the last is limited by nothing but practice; one
contains the proposition, and the other its deductions; this is all
hypothesis, that, all corollary. The two great political landmarks,
the two public opinions, the bob-upon-bobs, the rotatory action, and
the great and little wheels, are merely inferential, and I shall,
therefore, say nothing about them in my present treatise, which has
a strict relation only to the fundamental law of the land, or to the
Great and Sacred National Allegory.

It has been already stated that Leaplow was originally a scion of
Leaphigh. The political separation took place in the last
generation, when the Leaplowers publicly renounced Leaphigh and all
it contained, just as your catechumen is made to renounce the devil
and all his works. This renunciation, which is also sometimes called
the DENUNCIATION, was much more to the liking of Leaplow than to
that of Leaphigh; and a long and sanguinary war was the consequence.
The Leaplowers, after a smart struggle, however, prevailed in their
firm determination to have no more to do with Leaphigh. The sequel
will show how far they were right.

Even preceding the struggle, so active was the sentiment of
patriotism and independence, that the citizens of Leaplow, though
ill-provided with the productions of their own industry, proudly
resorted to the self-denial of refusing to import even a pin from
the mother country, actually preferring nakedness to submission.
They even solemnly voted that their venerable progenitor, instead of
being, as she clearly ought to have been, a fond, protecting, and
indulgent parent, was, in truth, no other than a rapacious,
vindictive and tyrannical step-mother. This was the opinion, it will
be remembered, when the two communities were legally united, had but
one head, wore clothes, and necessarily pursued a multitude of their
interests in common.

By the lucky termination of the war, all this was radically changed.
Leaplow pointed her thumb at Leaphigh, and declared her intention
henceforth to manage her own affairs in her own way. In order to do
this the more effectually, and, at the same time, to throw dirt into
the countenance of her late step-mother, she determined that her own
polity should run so near a parallel, and yet should be so obviously
an improvement on that of Leaphigh, as to demonstrate the
imperfections of the latter to the most superficial observer. That
this patriotic resolution was faithfully carried out in practice, I
am now about to demonstrate.

In Leaphigh, the old human principle had long prevailed, that
political authority came from God; though why such a theory should
ever have prevailed anywhere, as Mr. Downright once expressed it, I
cannot see, the devil very evidently having a greater agency in its
exercise than any other influence, or intelligence, whatever.
However, the jus divinum was the regulator of the Leaphigh social
compact, until the nobility managed to get the better of the jus,
when the divinum was left to shift for itself. It was at this epocha
the present constitution found its birth. Any one may have observed
that one stick placed on end will fall, as a matter of course,
unless rooted in the earth. Two sticks fare no better, even with
their tops united; but three sticks form a standard. This simple and
beautiful idea gave rise to the Leaphigh polity. Three moral props
were erected in the midst of the community, at the foot of one of
which was placed the king, to prevent it from slipping; for all the
danger, under such a system, came from that of the base slipping; at
the foot of the second, the nobles; and at the foot of the third,
the people. On the summit of this tripod was raised the machine of
state. This was found to be a capital invention in theory, though
practice, as practice is very apt to do, subjected it to some
essential modifications. The king, having his stick all his own way,
gave a great deal of trouble to the two other sets of stick-holders;
and, unwilling to disturb the theory, for that was deemed to be
irrevocably settled and sacred, the nobility, who, for their own
particular convenience, paid the principal workmen at the base of
the people's stick to stand steady, set about the means of keeping
the king's stick, also, in a more uniform and serviceable attitude.
It was on this occasion that, discovering the king never could keep
his end of the great social stick in the place where he had sworn to
keep it, they solemnly declared that he must have forgotten where
the constitutional foot-hole was, and that he had irretrievably lost
his memory--a decision that was the remote cause of the recent
calamity of Captain Poke. The king was no sooner constitutionally
deprived of his memory, than it was an easy matter to strip him of
all his other faculties; after which it was humanely decreed, as
indeed it ought to be in the case of a being so destitute, that he
could do no wrong. By way of following out the idea on a humane and
Christian-like principle, and in order to make one part of the
practice conform to the other, it was shortly after determined that
he should do nothing; his eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gender being legally proclaimed his substitute. In the end, the
crimson curtain was drawn before the throne. As, however, this
cousin might begin to wriggle the stick in his turn, and derange the
balance of the tripod, the other two sets of stick-holders next
decided that, though his majesty had an undeniable constitutional
right to say who SHOULD BE his eldest first-cousin of the masculine
gender, they had an undoubted constitutional right to say who he
SHOULD NOT BE. The result of all this was a compromise; his majesty,
who, like other people, found the sweets of authority more palatable
than the bitter, agreeing to get up on top of the tripod, where he
might appear seated on the machine of state, to receive salutations,
and eat and drink in peace, leaving the others to settle among
themselves who should do the work at the bottom, as well as they
could. In brief, such is the history, and such was the polity of
Leaphigh, when I had the honor of visiting that country.

The Leaplowers were resolute to prove that all this was radically
wrong. They determined, in the first place, that there should be but
one great social beam; and, in order that it should stand perfectly
steady, they made it the duty of every citizen to prop its base.
They liked the idea of a tripod well enough, but, instead of setting
one up in the Leaphigh fashion, they just reversed its form, and
stuck it on top of their beam, legs uppermost, placing a separate
agent on each leg, to work their machine of state; taking care,
also, to send a new one aloft periodically. They reasoned thus: If
one of the Leaphigh beams slip (and they will be very apt to slip in
wet weather, with the king, nobles and people wriggling and shoving
against each other), down will come the whole machine of state, or,
to say the least, it will get so much awry as never to work as well
as at first; and therefore we will have none of it. If, on the other
hand, one of our agents makes a blunder and falls, why, he will only
break his own neck. He will, moreover, fall in the midst of us, and,
should he escape with life, we can either catch him and throw him
back again, or we can send a better hand up in his place, to serve
out the rest of his time. They also maintain that one beam,
supported by all the citizens, is much less likely to slip than
three beams, supported by three powers of very uncertain, not to say
unequal, forces.

Such, in effect, is the substance of the respective national
allegories of Leaphigh and of Leaplow; I say allegories, for both
governments seem to rely on this ingenious form of exhibiting their
great distinctive national sentiments. It would, in fact, be an
improvement, were all constitutions henceforth to be written in this
manner, since they would necessarily be more explicit, intelligible,
and sacred than they are by the present attempt at literality.

Having explained the governing principles of these two important
states, I now crave the reader's attention, for a moment, while I go
a little into the details of the MODUS OPERANDI, in both cases.

Leaphigh acknowledged a principle, in the outset, that Leaplow
totally disclaimed, viz., that of primogeniture. Being an only child
myself, and having no occasion for research on this interesting
subject, I never knew the basis of this peculiar right, until I came
to read the great Leaphigh commentator, Whiterock, on the governing
rules of the social compact. I there found that the first-born,
MORALLY considered, is thought to have better claims to the honors
of the genealogical tree, on the father's side, than those offspring
whose origin is to be referred to a later period in connubial life.
On this obvious and highly discriminating principle, the crown, the
rights of the nobles, and indeed all other rights, are transferred
from father to son, in the direct male line, according to
primogeniture.

Nothing of this is practised in Leaplow. There, the supposition of
legitimacy is as much in favor of the youngest as of the oldest
born, and the practice is in conformity. As there is no hereditary
chief to poise on one of the legs of the great tripod, the people at
the foot of the beam choose one from among themselves, periodically,
who is called the Great Sachem. The same people choose another set,
few in number, who occupy a common seat, on another leg. These they
term the Riddles. Another set, still more numerous and popular in
aspect, if not in fact, fills a large seat on the third leg. These
last, from their being supposed to be supereminently popular and
disinterested, are familiarly known as the Legion. They are also
pleasantly nicknamed the Bobees, an appellation that took its rise
in the circumstance that most of the members of their body have
submitted to the second dock, and, indeed, have nearly obliterated
every sign of a CAUDA. I had, most luckily, been chosen to sit in
the House of Bobees, a station for which I felt myself well
qualified, in this great essential at least; for all the anointing
and forcing resorted to by Noah and myself, during our voyage out,
and our residence in Leaphigh, had not produced so much as a visible
sprout in either.

The Great Sachem, the Riddles, and the Legion, had conjoint duties
to perform, in certain respects, and separate duties in others. All
three, as they owed their allegorical elevation to, so were they
dependent on, the people at the foot of the great social stick, for
approbation and reward--that is to say for all rewards other than
those which they have it in their power to bestow on themselves.
There was another authority, or agent of the public, that is equally
perched on the social beam, though not quite so dependent as the
three just named, upon the main prop of the people--being also
propped by a mechanical disposition of the tripod itself. These are
termed the Supreme Arbitrators, and their duties are to revise the
acts of the other three agents of the people, and to decide whether
they are or are not in conformity with the recognized principles of
the Sacred Allegory.

I was greatly delighted with my own progress in the study of the
Leaplow institutions. In the first place, I soon discovered that the
principal thing was to reverse the political knowledge I had
acquired in Leaphigh, as one would turn a tub upside-down, when he
wished to draw from its stores at a fresh end, and then I was pretty
sure of being within at least the spirit of the Leaplow law.
Everything seemed simple, for all was dependent on the common prop,
at the base of the great social beam.

Having got a thorough insight myself into the governing principles
of the system under which I had been chosen to serve, I went to look
up my colleague, Captain Poke, in order to ascertain how he
understood the great Leaplow Allegory.

I found the mind of the sealer, according to a beautiful form of
speech already introduced in this narrative, "considerably
exercised," on the several subjects that so naturally presented
themselves to a man in his situation. In the first place, he was in
a towering passion at the impudence of Bob in presuming to offer
himself as a candidate for the great council; and having offered
himself, the rage of the Captain was in no degree abated by the
circumstance of the young rascal's being at the head of the poll. He
most unreservedly swore "that no subordinate of his should ever sit
in the same legislative body with himself; that he was a republican
by birth, and knew the usages of republican governments quite as
well as the best patriot among them; and although he admitted that
all sorts of critters were sent to Congress in his country, no man
ever knew an instance of a cabin-boy's being sent there. They might
elect just as much as they pleased; but coming ashore, and playing
politician were very different things from cleaning his boots, and
making his coffee, and mixing his grog." The captain had just been
waited on by a committee of the Perpendiculars (half the Leaplow
community is on some committee or other), by whom he had been
elected, and they had given notice, that instructions would be sent
in, forthwith, to all their representatives, to perform gyration No.
3, as soon after the meeting of the council as possible. He was no
tumbler, and he had sent for a master of political saltation, who
had just been with him practising. According to Noah's own
statement, his success was anything but flattering. "If they would
give a body room, Sir John," he said, in a complaining accent," I
should think nothing of it--but you are expected to stand shoulder
to shoulder--yard-arm and yard-arm--and throw a flap-jack as handy
as an old woman would toss a johnny-cake! It's unreasonable to think
of wearing ship without room; but give me room, and I'll engage to
get round on the other tack, and to luff into the line again, as
safely as the oldest cruiser among 'em, though not quite so quick.
They do go about spitefully, that's sartain."

Nor were the Great National Allegories without their difficulties.
Noah perfectly understood the images of the two tripods, though he
was disposed to think that neither was properly secured. A mast
would make but bad weather, he maintained, let it be ever so well
rigged and stayed, without being also securely stepped. He saw no
use in trusting the heels of the beams to anybody. Good lashings
were what were wanted, and then the people might go about their
private affairs, and not fear the work would fall. That the king of
Leaphigh had no memory, he could testify from bitter experience; nor
did he believe that he had any conscience; and, chiefly he desired
to know if we, when we got up into our places on the top of the
three inverted beams, among the other Bobees, were to make war on
the Great Sachem and the Riddles, or whether we were to consider the
whole affair as a good thing, in which the wisest course would be to
make fair weather of it?

To all these remarks and questions I answered as well as my own
limited experience would allow; taking care to inform my friend that
he had conceived the whole matter a little too literally, as all
that he had been reading about the great political beams, the
tripods, and the legislative boxes, was merely an allegory.

"And pray, then, Sir John, what may an allegory be?"

"In this case, my good sir, it is a constitution."

"And what is a constitution?"

"Why, it is sometimes as you perceive, an allegory."

"And are we not to be mast-headed, then, according to the book?"

"Figuratively, only."

"But there are actually such critters as the Great Sachem, and
Riddles, and above all, the Bobees!--We are boney fie-diddle-di-dee
elected?"

"Boney fie-diddle-di-dee."

"And may I take the liberty of asking, what it is our duty to do?"

"We are to act practically--according to the literality of the
legal, implied, figurative, allegorical significations of the Great
National Compact under a legitimate construction."

"I fear we shall have to work doubletides, Sir John, to do so much
in so short a time! Do you mean that, in honest truth, there is no
beam?"

"There is, and there is not."

"No fore, main, and mizzen tops, according to what is here written
down?"

"There is not, and there is."

"Sir John, in the name of God, speak out! Is all this about eight
dollars a day, no better than a take in?"

"That, I believe is strictly literal."

As Noah now seemed a little mollified, I seized the opportunity to
tell him he must beware how he attempted to stop Bob from attending
the council. Members were privileged, going and coming; and unless
he was guarded in his course, he might have some unpleasant
collision with the sergeant-at-arms. Besides, it was unbecoming the
dignity of a legislator to be wrangling about trifles, and he, to
whom was confided the great affairs of a state, ought to attach the
utmost importance to a grave exterior, which commonly was of more
account with his constituents than any other quality. Any one could
tell whether he was grave or not, but it was by no means so easy a
matter to tell whether he or his constituents had the greater cause
to appear so. Noah promised to be discreet, and we parted, not to
meet again until we assembled to be sworn in.

Before continuing the narrative, I will just mention that we
disposed of our commercial investments that morning. All the
Leaphigh opinions brought good prices; and I had occasion to see how
well the brigadier understood the market by the eagerness with
which, in particular, the Opinions on the State of Society in
Leaplow were bought up. But, by one of those unexpected windfalls
which raise up so many of the chosen of the earth to their high
places, the cook did better than any of us. It will be remembered,
that he had bartered an article of merchandise that he called slush
against a neglected bale of Distinctive Leaplow Opinions, which had
no success at all in Leaphigh. Coming as they did from abroad, these
articles had taken as novelties in Bivouac, and he sold them all
before night, at enormous advances; the cry being that something new
and extraordinary had found its way into the market.




CHAPTER XXVI.

HOW TO ENACT LAWS--ORATORY, LOGIC, AND ELOQUENCE; ALL CONSIDERED IN
THEIR EVERY-DAY ASPECTS.


Political oaths are very much the same sort of thing everywhere, and
I shall say no more about our inauguration than simply to state it
took place as usual. The two houses were duly organized, and we
proceeded, without delay, to the transaction of business. I will
here state that I was much rejoiced to find Brigadier Downright
among the Bobees, the captain whispering that most probably he had
been mistaken for an "immigrunt," and chosen accordingly.

It was not a great while before the Great Sachem sent us a
communication, which contained a compte rendue of the state of the
nation. Like most accounts it is my good fortune to receive, I
thought it particularly long. Agreeably to the opinions of this
document, the people of Leaplow were, by a good deal, the happiest
people in the world; they were also considerably more respected,
esteemed, beloved, honored, and properly appreciated, than any other
monikin community, and, in short, they were the admiration and glory
of the universe. I was exceedingly glad to hear this, for some of
the facts were quite new to me; a circumstance which shows one can
never get correct notions of a nation except from itself.

These important facts properly digested, we all of us set about our
several duties with a zeal that spoke fairly for our industry and
integrity. Things commenced swimmingly, and it was not long before
the Riddles sent us a resolution for concurrence, by way of opening
the ball. It was conceived in the following terms: "Resolved, that
the color which has hitherto been deemed to be black, is really
white."

As this was the first resolution that involved a principle on which
we had been required to vote, I suggested to Noah the propriety of
our going round to the brigadier, and inquiring what might be the
drift of so singular a proposition. Our colleague answered the
question with great good-nature, giving us to understand that the
Perpendiculars and the Horizontals had long been at variance on the
mere coloring property of various important questions, and the real
matter involved in the resolution was not visible. The former had
always maintained (by always, he meant ever since the time they
maintained the contrary) the doctrine of the resolution, and the
latter its converse. A majority of the Riddles, just at this moment,
are Perpendiculars; and, as it was now seen, they had succeeded in
getting a vote on their favorite principle.

"According to this account of the matter, Sir John," observed the
captain, "I shall be compelled to maintain that black is white,
seeing that I am in on the Parpendic'lar interest?"

I thought with the captain, and was pleased that my own legislative
debut was not to be characterized by the promulgation of any
doctrine so much at variance with my preconceived ways of thinking.
Curious, however, to know his opinion, I asked the brigadier in what
light he felt disposed to view the matter himself.

"I am elected by the Tangents," he said; "and, by what I can learn,
it is the intention of our friends to steer a middle course; and one
of our leaders is already selected, who, at a proper stage of the
affair, is to move an amendment."

"Can you refer me, my dear friend, to anything connected with the
Great National Allegory that bears on this point?"

"Why, there is a clause among the fundamental and immutable laws,
which it is thought was intended to meet this very case; but,
unhappily, the sages by whom our Allegory was drawn up have not paid
quite as much attention to the phraseology as the importance of the
subject demanded."

Here the brigadier laid his finger on the clause in question, and I
returned to a seat to study its meaning. It was conceived as
follows:--Art. IV. Clause 6: "The Great National Council shall, in
no case whatever, pass any law, or resolution, declaring white to be
black."

After studying this fundamental enactment to the bottom, turning it
on every side, and finally considering it upside-down, I came to the
conclusion that its tenor was, on the whole, rather more favorable
than unfavorable to the Horizontal doctrine. It struck me, a very
good argument was to be made out of the constitutional question, and
that it presented a very fair occasion for a new member to venture
on a maiden speech. Having so settled the matter, entirely to my own
satisfaction, I held myself in reserve, waiting for the proper
moment to produce an effect.

It was not long before the chairman of the committee on the
judiciary (one of the effects of the resolution was entirely to
change the coloring of all testimony throughout the vast Republic of
Leaplow) made his report on the subject-matter of the resolution.
This person was a Tangent, who had a besetting wish to become a
Riddle, although the leaning of our house was decidedly Horizontal;
and, as a matter of course, he took the Riddle side of this
question. The report, itself, required seven hours in the reading,
commencing with the subject at the epocha of the celebrated caucus
that was adjourned sine die, by the disruption of the earth's crust,
and previously to the distribution of the great monikin family into
separate communities, and ending with the subject of the resolution
in his hand. The reporter had set his political palette with the
utmost care, having completely covered the subject with neutral
tints, before he got through with it, and glazing the whole down
with ultramarine, in such a way as to cause the eye to regard the
matter through a fictitious atmosphere. Finally, he repeated the
resolution, verbatim, and as it came from the other house.

Mr. Speaker now called upon gentlemen to deliver their sentiments.
To my utter amazement, Captain Poke arose, put his tobacco back into
its box, and opened the debate without apology.

The honorable captain said he understood this question to be one
implicating the liberties of everybody. He understood the matter
literally, as it was propounded in the Allegory, and set forth in
the resolution; and, as such, he intended to look at it with
unprejudiced eyes. "The natur' of this proposal lay altogether in
color. What is color, after all? Make the most of it, and in the
most favorable position, which, perhaps, is the cheek of a comely
young woman, and it is but skin-deep. He remembered the time when a
certain female in another part of the univarse, who is commonly
called Miss Poke, might have out-rosed the best rose in a placed
called Stunnin'tun; and what did it all amount to? He shouldn't ask
Miss Poke herself, for obvious reasons--but he would ask any of the
neighbors how she looked now? Quitting female natur', he would come
to human natur' generally. He had often remarked that sea water was
blue, and he had frequently caused pails to be lowered, and the
water brought on deck, to see if he could come at any of this
blueing matter--for indigo was both scarce and dear in his part of
the world, but he never could make out anything by the experiment;
from which he concluded that, on the whull, there was pretty much no
such thing as color, at all.

"As for the resolution before the house, it depended entirely on the
meaning of words. Now, after all, what is a word? Why, some people's
words are good, and other people's words are good for nothing. For
his part, he liked sealed instruments--which might be because he was
a sealer--but as for mere words, he set but little store by them. He
once tuck a man's word for his wages; and the long and short of it
was, that he lost his money. He had known a thousand instances in
which words had proved to be of no value, and he did not see why
some gentlemen wished to make them of so much importance here. For
his part, he was for puffing up nothing, no, not even a word or a
color, above its desarts. The people seemed to call for a change in
the color of things, and he called upon gentlemen to remember that
this was a free country, and one in which the laws ruled; and
therefore he trusted they would be disposed to adapt the laws to the
wants of the people. What had the people asked of the house in this
matter? So far as his knowledge went, they had really asked nothing
in words, but he understood there was great discontent on the
subject of the old colors; and he construed their silence into an
expression of contempt for words in general. He was a Parpendic'lar,
and he should always maintain Parpendic'lar sentiments. Gentlemen
might not agree with him, but, for one, he was not disposed to
jipordyze the liberties of his constituents, and therefore he gave
the rizolution just as it came from the Riddles, without altering a
letter--although he did think there was one word misspelt--he meant
'really,' which he had been taught to spell 'ra'aily'--but he was
ready to sacrifice even his opinions on this point to the good of
the country; and therefore he went with the Riddles, even to their
misprints. He hoped the rizolution would pass, with the entire
unanimity so important a subject demanded."

This speech produced a very strong sensation. Up to this time, the
principal orators of the house had been much in the practice of
splitting hairs about some nice technicality in the Great Allegory;
but Noah, with the simplicity of a truly great mind, had made a home
thrust at the root of the whole matter; laying about him with the
single-first, I made a few apposite remarks on the necessity of
respecting the vital ordinances of the body politic, and asked the
attention of my hearers while I read to them a particular clause,
which it had struck me had some allusion to the very point now in
consideration. Having thus cleared the way, I had not the folly to
defeat the objects of so much preparation, by an indiscreet
precipitancy. So far from it, previously to reading the extract from
the constitution, I waited until the attention of every member
present was attracted more forcibly by the dignity, deliberation,
and gravity of my manner, than by the substance of what had yet been
said. In the midst of this deep silence and expectation I read
aloud, in a voice that reached every cranny in the hall--

"The great council shall, in no case whatever, pass any law, or
resolution, declaring white to be black."

If I had been calm in the presentation of this authority, I was
equally self-possessed in waiting for its effect. Looking about me I
saw surprise, perplexity, doubt, wonder, and uncertainty in every
countenance, if I did not find conviction. One fact embarrassed even
me. Our friends the Horizontals were evidently quite as much at
fault as our opponents the Perpendiculars, instead of being, as I
had good reason to hope, in an ecstasy of pleasure on hearing their
cause sustained by an authority so weighty.

"Will the honorable member have the goodness to explain from what
author he has quoted?" one of the leading Perpendiculars at length
ventured to inquire.

"The language you have just heard, Mr. Speaker," I resumed,
believing that now was the favorable instant to follow up the
matter, "is language that must find an echo in every heart--it is
language that can never be used in vain in this venerable hall,
language that carries with it conviction and command."--I observed
that the members were now fairly gaping at each other with wonder.--
"Sir, I am asked to name the author from whom I have quoted these
sententious and explicit words--Sir, what you have just heard is to
be found in the Article IV., Clause 6, of the Great National
Allegory--"

"Order--order--order!" shouted a hundred raven throats.

I stood aghast, even more amazed than the house itself had been only
the instant before.

"Order--order--order--order--order!" continued to be yelled, as if a
million of demons were screeching in the hall.

"The honorable member will please to recollect," said the bland and
ex-officio impartial speaker, who, by the way, was a Perpendicular,
elected by fraud, "that it is out of order to use personalities."

"Personalities! I do not understand, sir--"

"The instrument to which the honorable member has alluded, his own
good sense will tell him, was never written by itself--so far from
this, the very members of the convention by which it was drawn up,
are at this instant members of this house, and most of them
supporters of the resolution now before the house; and it will be
deemed personal to throw into their faces former official acts, in
this unheard-of manner. I am sorry it is my duty to say, that the
honorable member is entirely out of order."

"But, sir, the Sacred National--"

"Sacred, sir, beyond a doubt--but in a sense different from what you
imagine--much too sacred, sir, ever to be alluded to here. There are
the works of the commentators, the books of constructions, and
specially the writings of various foreign and perfectly
disinterested statesmen--need I name Ekrub in particular!--that are
at the command of members; but so long as I am honored with a seat
in this chair, I shall peremptorily decide against all
personalities."

I was dumfounded. The idea that the authority itself would be
refused never crossed my mind, though I had anticipated a sharp
struggle on its construction. The constitution only required that no
law should be passed declaring black to be white, whereas the
resolution merely ordered that henceforth white should be black.
Here was matter for discussion, nor was I at all sanguine as to the
result; but to be thus knocked on the head by a club, in the outset,
was too much for the modesty of a maiden speech. I took my seat in
confusion; and I plainly saw that the Perpendiculars, by their
sneers, now expected to carry everything triumphantly their own way.
This, most probably, would have been the case, had not one of the
Tangents immediately got the floor, to move the amendment. To the
vast indignation of Captain Poke, and, in some degree, to my own
mortification, this duty was intrusted to the Hon. Robert Smut. Mr.
Smut commenced with entreating members not to be led away by the
sophistry of the first speaker. That honorable member, no doubt,
felt himself called upon to defend the position taken by his
friends; but those that knew him well, as it had been his fate to
know him, must be persuaded that his sentiments had, at least,
undergone a sudden and miraculous change. That honorable member
denied the existence of color at all! He would ask that honorable
member if he had never been instrumental himself in producing what
is generally called "black and blue color"? He should like to know
if that honorable member placed as little value, at present, on
blows as he now seemed to set on words. He begged pardon of the
house--but this was a matter of great interest to himself--he knew
that there never had been a greater manufacturer of "black and blue
color" than that honorable member, and he wondered at his now so
pertinaciously denying the existence of colors, and at his wish to
underrate their value. For his part, he trusted he understood the
importance of words, and the value of hues; and while he did not
exactly see the necessity of deeming black so inviolable as some
gentlemen appeared to think it, he was not by any means prepared to
go as far as those who had introduced this resolution. He did not
believe that public opinion was satisfied with maintaining that
black was black, but he thought it was not yet disposed to affirm
that black was white. He did not say that such a day might not
arrive; he only maintained that it had not yet arrived, and with a
view to meet that which he believed was the public sentiment, he
should move, by way of amendment, to strike out the whole of the
resolution after the word "really," and insert that which would
cause the whole resolution to read as follows, viz.:

"Resolved, that the color which has hitherto been deemed to be
black, is really lead-color."

Hereupon, the Honorable Mr. Smut took his seat, leaving the house to
its own ruminations. The leaders of the Perpendiculars, foreseeing
that if they got half-way this session, they might effect the rest
of their object the next, determined to accept the compromise; and
the resolution, amended, passed by a handsome majority. So this
important point was finally decided for the moment, leaving great
hopes among the Perpendiculars of being able to lay the Horizontals
even flatter on their backs than they were just then.

The next question that presented itself was of far less interest,
exciting no great attention. To understand it, however, it will be
necessary to refer a little to history. The government of
Leapthrough had, about sixty-three years before, caused one hundred
and twenty-six Leaplow ships to be burned on the high seas, or
otherwise destroyed. The pretence was, that they incommoded
Leapthrough. Leaplow was much too great a nation to submit to so
heinous an outrage, while, at the same time, she was much too
magnanimous and wise a nation to resent it in an every-day and
vulgar manner. Instead of getting in a passion and loading her
cannon, she summoned all her logic and began to reason. After
reasoning the matter with Leapthrough for fifty-two years, or until
all the parties who had been wronged were dead, and could no longer
be benefited by her logic, she determined to abate two-thirds of her
pretensions in a pecuniary sense, and all her pretensions in an
honorary sense, and to compromise the affair by accepting a certain
insignificant sum of money as a salve to the whole wrong.
Leapthrough conditioned to pay this money, in the most solemn and
satisfactory manner; and everybody was delighted with the amicable
termination of a very vexatious and a seemingly interminable
discussion. Leapthrough was quite as glad to get rid of the matter
as Leaplow, and very naturally, under all the circumstances, thought
the whole thing at length done with, when she conditioned to pay the
money. The Great Sachem of Leaplow, most unfortunately, however, had
a "will of iron," or, in other words, he thought the money ought to
be paid as well as conditioned to be paid. This despotic
construction of the bargain had given rise to unheard-of
dissatisfaction in Leapthrough, as indeed might have been expected;
but it was, oddly enough, condemned with some heat even in Leaplow
itself, where it was stoutly maintained by certain ingenious
logicians, that the only true way to settle a bargain to pay money,
was to make a new one for a less sum whenever the amount fell due; a
plan that, with a proper moderation and patience would be certain,
in time, to extinguish the whole debt.

Several very elaborate patriots had taken this matter in hand, and
it was now about to be presented to the house under four different
categories. Category No. 1, had the merit of simplicity and
precision. It proposed merely that Leaplow should pay the money
itself, and take up the bond, using its own funds. Category No. 2,
embraced a recommendation of the Great Sachem for Leaplow to pay
itself, using, however, certain funds of Leapthrough. Category No. 3
was a proposal to offer ten millions to Leapthrough to say no more
about the transaction at all. Category No. 4, was to commence the
negotiating or abating system mentioned, without delay, in order to
extinguish the claim by instalments as soon as possible.

The question came up on the consideration of the different projects
connected with these four leading principles. My limits will not
admit of a detailed history of the debate. All I can do, is merely
to give an outline of the logic that these various propositions set
in motion, of the legislative ingenuity of which they were the
parents, and of the multitude of legitimate conclusions that so
naturally followed.

In favor of category No 1, it was urged that, by adopting its
leading idea, the affair would be altogether in our own hands, and
might consequently be settled with greater attention to purely
Leaplow interests; that further delay could only proceed from our
own negligence; that no other project was so likely to get rid of
this protracted negotiation in so short a time; that by paying the
debt with the Leaplow funds, we should be sure of receiving its
amount in the good legal currency of the republic; that it would be
singularly economical, as the agent who paid might also be
authorized to receive, whereby there would be a saving in salary;
and, finally, that under this category, the whole affair might be
brought within the limits of a nutshell, and the compass of any
one's understanding.

In favor of category No. 2, little more than very equivocal
sophisms, which savored strongly of commonplace opinions, were
presented. It was pretended, for instance, that he who signed a bond
was in equity bound to pay it; that, if he refused, the other party
had the natural and legal remedy of compulsion; that it might not
always be convenient for a creditor to pay all the obligations of
other people which he might happen to hold; that if his transactions
were extensive, money might be wanting to carry out such a
principle; and that, as a precedent, it would comport much more with
Leaplow prudence and discretion to maintain the old and tried
notions of probity and justice, than to enter on the unknown ocean
of uncertainty that was connected with the new opinions, by
admitting which, we could never know when we were fairly out of
debt.

Category No. 3, was discussed on an entirely new system of logic,
which appeared to have great favor with that class of the members
who were of the more refined school of ethics. These orators
referred the whole matter to a sentiment of honor. They commenced by
drawing vivid pictures of the outrages in which the original wrongs
had been committed. They spoke of ruined families, plundered
mariners, and blasted hopes. They presented minute arithmetical
calculations to show that just forty times as much wrong had, in
fact, been done, as this bond assumed; and that, as the case
actually stood, Leaplow ought, in strict justice, to receive exactly
forty times the amount of the money that was actually included in
the instrument. Turning from these interesting details, they next
presented the question of honor. Leapthrough, by attacking the
Leaplow flag, and invading Leaplow rights, had made it principally a
question of honor, and, in disposing of it, the principle of honor
ought never to be lost sight of. It was honorable to PAY ones'
debts--this no one could dispute but it was not so clear, by any
means, that there was any honor in RECEIVING ones' dues. The
national honor was concerned; and they called on members, as they
cherished the sacred sentiment, to come forward and sustain it by
their votes. As the matter stood, Leaplow had the best of it. In
compounding with her creditor, as had been done in the treaty,
Leapthrough lost some honor--in refusing to pay the bond, she lost
still more; and now, if we should send her the ten millions
proposed, and she should have the weakness to accept it, we should
fairly get our foot upon her neck, and she could never look us in
the face again!

The category No. 4, brought up a member who had made political
economy his chief study. This person presented the following case:--
According to his calculations, the wrong had been committed
precisely sixty-three years, and twenty-six days, and two-thirds of
a day ago. For the whole of that long period Leaplow had been
troubled with this vexatious question, which had hung like a cloud
over the otherwise unimpaired brightness of her political landscape.
It was time to get rid of it. The sum stipulated was just twenty-
five millions, to be paid in twenty-five annual instalments, of a
million each. Now, he proposed to reduce the instalments to one-half
the number, but in no way to change the sum. That point ought to be
considered as irrevocably settled. This would diminish the debt one-
half. Before the first instalment should become due he would effect
a postponement, by diminishing the instalments again to six,
referring the time to the latest periods named in the last treaty,
and always most sacredly keeping the sums precisely the same. It
would be impossible to touch the sums, which, he repeated, ought to
be considered as sacred. Before the expiration of the first seven
years, a new arrangement might reduce the instalments to two, or
even to one--always respecting the sum; and finally, at the proper
moment, a treaty could be concluded, declaring that there should be
no instalment at all, reserving the point, that if there HAD been an
instalment, Leaplow could never have consented to reduce it below
one million. The result would be that in about five-and-twenty years
the country would be fairly rid of the matter, and the national
character, which it was agreed on all hands was even now as high as
it well could be, would probably be raised many degrees higher. The
negotiations had commenced in a spirit of compromise; and our
character for consistency required that this spirit of compromise
should continue to govern our conduct as long as a single farthing
remained unpaid.

This idea took wonderfully; and I do believe it would have passed by
a handsome majority, had not a new proposition been presented, by an
orator of singularly pathetic powers.

The new speaker objected to all four of the categories. He said that
each and every one of them would lead to war. Leapthrough was a
chivalrous and high-minded nation, as was apparent by the present
aspect of things. Should we presume to take up the bond, using our
own funds, it would mortally offend her pride, and she would fight
us; did we presume to take up the bond, using her funds, it would
offend her financial system, and she would fight us; did we presume
to offer her ten millions to say no more about the matter, it would
offend her dignity by intimating that she was to be bought off from
her rights, and she would fight us; did we presume to adopt the
system of new negotiations, it would mortally offend her honor, by
intimating that she would not respect her old negotiations, and she
would fight us. He saw war in all four of the categories. He was for
a peace category, and he thought he held in his hand a proposition,
that by proper management, using the most tender delicacy, and
otherwise respecting the sensibilities of the high and honorable
nation in question, we might possibly get out of this embarrassing
dilemma without actually coming to blows--he said to blows, for he
wished to impress on honorable members the penalties of war. He
invited gentlemen to recollect that a conflict between two great
nations was a serious affair. If Leapthrough were a little nation,
it would be a different matter, and the contest might be conducted
in a corner; our honor was intimately connected with all we did with
great nations. What was war? Did gentlemen know? He would tell them.

Here the orator drew a picture of war that caused suffering
monikinity to shudder. He viewed it in its four leading points: its
religious, its pecuniary, its political, and its domestic penalties.
He described war to be the demon state of the monikin mind; as
opposed to worship, to charity, brotherly love, and all the virtues.
On its pecuniary penalties, he touched by exhibiting a tax-sheet.
Buttons which cost sixpence a gross, he assured the house, would
shortly cost sevenpence a gross.--Here he was reminded that monikins
no longer wore buttons.--No matter, they bought and sold buttons,
and the effects on trade were just the same. The political penalties
of war he fairly showed to be frightful; but when he came to speak
of the domestic penalties, there was not a dry eye in the house.
Captain Poke blubbered so loud that I was in an agony lest he should
be called to order.

"Regard that pure spirit," he cried, "crushed as it has been in the
whirlwind of war. Behold her standing over the sod that covers the
hero of his country, the husband of her virgin affections. In vain
the orphan at her side turns its tearful eye upwards, and asks for
the plumes that so lately pleased its infant fancy; in vain its
gentle voice inquires when he is to return, when he is to gladden
their hearts with his presence--" But I can write no more. Sobs
interrupted the speaker, and he took his seat in an ecstasy of
godliness and benevolence.

I hurried across the house, to beg the brigadier would introduce me
to this just monikin without a moment's delay. I felt as if I could
take him to my heart at once, and swear an eternal friendship with a
spirit so benevolent. The brigadier was too much agitated, at first,
to attend to me; but, after wiping his eyes at least a hundred
times, he finally succeeded in arresting the torrents, and looked
upwards with a bland smile.

"Is he not a wonderful monikin?"

"Wonderful indeed! How completely he puts us all to shame!--Such a
monikin can only be influenced by the purest love for the species."

"Yes, he is of a class that we call the third monikinity. Nothing
excites our zeal like the principles of the class of which he is a
member!"

"How! Have you more than one class of the humane?"

"Certainly--the Original, the Representative, and the Speculative."

"I am devoured by the desire to understand the distinctions, my dear
brigadier."

"The Original is an every-day class, that feels under the natural
impulses. The Representative is a more intellectual division, that
feels chiefly by proxy. The Speculatives are those whose sympathies
are excited by positive interests, like the last speaker. This
person has lately bought a farm by the acre, which he is about to
sell, in village lots, by the foot, and war will knock the whole
thing in the head. It is this which stimulates his benevolence in so
lively a manner."

"Why, this is no more than a development of the social-stake system-
-"

I was interrupted by the speaker, who called the house to order. The
vote on the resolution of the last orator was to be taken. It read
as follows:--

"Resolved, that it is altogether unbecoming the dignity and
character of Leapthrough, for Leaplow to legislate on the subject of
so petty a consideration as a certain pitiful treaty between the two
countries."

"Unanimity--unanimity!" was shouted by fifty voices. Unanimity there
was; and then the whole house set to work shaking hands and hugging
each other, in pure joy at the success of the honorable and
ingenious manner in which it had got rid of this embarrassing and
impertinent question.




CHAPTER XXVII.

AN EFFECT OF LOGARITHMS ON MORALS--AN OBSCURATION, A DISSERTATION,
AND A CALCULATION.


The house had not long adjourned before Captain Poke and myself were
favored with a visit from our colleague Mr. Downright, who came on
an affair of absorbing interest. He carried in his hand a small
pamphlet; and the usual salutations were scarcely over, before he
directed our attention to a portion of its contents. It would seem
that Leaplow was on the eve of experiencing a great moral eclipse.
The periods and dates of the phenomenon (if that can be called a
phenomenon which was of too frequent occurrence) had been
calculated, with surprising accuracy, by the Academy of Leaphigh,
and sent, through its minister, as an especial favor, to our beloved
country in order that we should not be taken by surprise. The
account of the affair read as follows:--

"On the third day of the season of nuts, there will be the
commencement of a great moral eclipse, in that portion of the
monikin region which lies immediately about the pole. The property
in eclipse will be the great moral postulate usually designated by
the term Principle; and the intervening body will be the great
immoral postulate, usually known as Interest. The frequent
occurrence of the conjunction of these two important postulates has
caused our moral mathematicians to be rather negligent of their
calculations on this subject of late years; but, to atone for this
inexcusable indifference to one of the most important concerns of
life, the calculating committee was instructed to pay unusual
attention to all the obscurations of the present year, and this
phenomenon, one of the most decided of our age, has been calculated
with the utmost nicety and care. We give the results.

"The eclipse will commence by a motive of monikin vanity coming in
contact with the sub-postulate of charity, at 1 A. M. The postulate
in question will be totally hid from view, in the course of 6 h. 17
m. from the moment of contact. The passage of a political intrigue
will instantly follow, when the several sub-postulates of truth,
honesty, disinterestedness, and patriotism, will all be obscured in
succession, beginning with the lower limb of the first, and ending
with all the limbs of the whole of them, in 3 h. 42 m. from the
moment of contact. The shadow of vanity and political intrigue will
first be deepened by the approach of prosperity, and this will be
soon succeeded by the contact of a great pecuniary interest, at 10
h. 2 m. 1s.; and in exactly 2 m. and 3-7 s., the whole of the great
moral postulate of Principle will be totally hid from view. In
consequence of this early passage of the darkest shadow that is ever
cast by Interest, the passages of the respective shadows of
ambition, hatred, jealousy, and all the other minor satellites of
Interest, will be invisible.

"The country principally affected by this eclipse will be the
Republic of Leaplow, a community whose known intelligence and
virtues are perhaps better qualified to resist its influence than
any other. The time of occultation will be 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m.
2 s. Principle will begin to reappear to the moral eye at the end of
this period, first by the approach of Misfortune, whose atmosphere
being much less dense than that of Interest, will allow of imperfect
views of the obscured postulate; but the radiance of the latter will
not be completely restored until the arrival of Misery, whose
chastening colors invariably permit all truths to be discernible,
although through a sombre medium. To resume:

"Beginning of eclipse, 1 A. M.

Ecliptic opposition, in 4 y. 6 m. 12 d. 9 h. from beginning of
eclipse.

Middle, in 4 y. 9 m. 0 d. 7 h. 9 m. from beginning of eclipse.

End of eclipse, 9 y. 11 m. 20 d. 3 h. 2 m. from beginning.

Period of occultation, 9 y. 7 m. 26 d. 4 h. 16 m. 2 s."

I gazed at the brigadier in admiration and awe. There was nothing
remarkable in the eclipse itself, which was quite an every-day
affair; but the precision with which it had been calculated added to
its other phenomena the terrible circumstance of obtaining a glimpse
into the future, I now began to perceive the immense difference
between living consciously under a moral shadow, and living under it
unconsciously. The latter was evidently a trifle compared with the
former. Providence had most kindly provided for our happiness in
denying the ability to see beyond the present moment.

Noah took the affair even more at heart than myself. He told me,
with a rueful and prognosticating countenance, that we were fast
drawing near to the autumnal equinox, when we should reach the
commencement of a natural night of six months' duration; and
although the benevolent substitute of steam might certainly in some
degree lessen the evil, that it was a furious evil, after all, to
exist for a period so weary without enjoying the light of the sun.
He found the external glare of day bad enough, but he did not
believe he should be able to endure its total absence. "Natur' had
made him a 'watch and watch' critter. As for the twilight of which
so much was said, it was worse than nothin', being neither one thing
nor the other. For his part, he liked things 'made out of whole
cloth.' Then he had sent the ship round to a distant roadstead, in
order that there might be no more post-captains and rear-admirals
among the people; and here had he been as much as four days on
nothing but nuts. Nuts might do for the philosophy of a monkey, but
he found, on trial, that it played the devil with the philosophy of
a man. Things were bad enough as they were. He pined for a little
pork--he cared not who knew it; it might not be very sentimental, he
knew, but it was capital sea-food; his natur' was pretty much pork;
he believed most men had, in some way or other, more or less pork in
their human natur's; nuts might do for monikin natur', but human
natur' loved meat; if monikins did not like it, monikins need not
eat it; there would be so much the more for those who did like it--
he pined for his natural aliment, and as for living nine years in an
eclipse, it was quite out of the question. The longest Stunnin'tun
eclipses seldom went over three hours--he once knew Deacon Spiteful
pray quite through one, from apogee to perigee. He therefore
proposed that Sir John and he should resign their seats without
delay, and that they should try to get the Walrus to the north'ard
as quick as possible, lest they should be caught in the polar night.
As for the Hon. Robert Smut, he wished him no better luck than to
remain where he was all his life, and to receive his eight dollars a
day in acorns."

Although it was impossible not to hear, and, having heard, not to
record the sentiments of Noah, still my attention was much more
strongly attracted by the demeanor of the brigadier, than by the
jeremiad of the sealer. To an anxious inquiry if he were not well,
our worthy colleague answered plaintively, that he mourned over the
misfortune of his country.

"I have often witnessed the passage of the passions, and of the
minor motives, across the disc of the great moral postulate,
Principle; but an occultation of its light by a pecuniary Interest,
and for so long a period, is fearful! Heaven only knows what will
become of us!"

"Are not these eclipses, after all, so many mere illustrations of
the social-stake system? I confess this occultation, of which you
seem to have so much dread, is not so formidable a thing, on
reflection, as it at first appeared to be."

"You are quite right, Sir John, as to the character of the eclipse
itself, which, as a matter of course, must depend on the character
of the intervening body. But the wisest and best of our philosophers
hold that the entire system of which we are but insignificant parts,
is based on certain immutable truths of a divine origin. The
premises, or postulates, of all these truths, are so many moral
guides in the management of monikin affairs; and, the moment they
are lost sight of, as will be the case during these frightful nine
years that are to come, we shall be abandoned entirely to
selfishness. Now selfishness is only too formidable when restrained
by Principle; but left to its own grasping desires and audacious
sophisms, to me the moral perspective is terrible. We are only too
much addicted to turn our eyes from Principle, when it is shining in
heavenly radiance, and in full glory, before us; it is not
difficult, therefore, to foresee the nature of the consequences
which are to follow its total and protracted obscuration."

"You then conceive there is a rule superior to interest, which ought
to be respected in the control of monikin affairs?"

"Beyond a doubt; else in what should we differ from the beasts of
prey?"

"I do not exactly see whether this does, or does not accord with the
notions of the political economists of the social-stake system."

"As you say, Sir John, it does, and it does not. Your social-stake
system supposes that he who has what is termed a distinct and
prominent interest in society, will be the most likely to conduct
its affairs wisely, justly, and disinterestedly. This would be true,
if those great principles which lie at the root of all happiness
were respected; but unluckily, the stake in question, instead of
being a stake in justice and virtue, is usually reduced to be merely
a stake in property. Now, all experience shows that the great
property-incentives are to increase property, protect property, and
to buy with property those advantages which ought to be independent
of property, viz., honors, dignities, power, and immunities. I
cannot say how it is with men, but our histories are eloquent on
this head. We have had the property-principle carried out thoroughly
in our practice, and the result has shown that its chief operation
is to render property as intact as possible, and the bones, and
sinews, and marrow of all who do not possess it, its slaves. In
short, the time has been, when the rich were even exempt from
contributing to the ordinary exigencies of the state. But it is
quite useless to theorize on this subject, for, by that cry in the
streets, the lower limb of the great postulate is beginning to be
obscured, and, alas! we shall soon have too much practical
information."

The brigadier was right. On referring to the clocks, it was found
that, in truth, the eclipse had commenced some time before, and that
we were on the verge of an absolute occultation of Principle, by the
basest and most sordid of all motives, pecuniary Interest.

The first proof that was given of the true state of things, was in
the language of the people. The word Interest was in every monikin's
mouth, while the word Principle, as indeed was no more than
suitable, seemed to be quite blotted out of the Leaplow vocabulary.
To render a local term into English, half of the vernacular of the
country appeared to be compressed into the single word "dollar."
"Dollar--dollar--dollar"--nothing but "dollar! Fifty thousand
dollars--twenty thousand dollars--a hundred thousand dollars"--met
one at every turn. The words rang at the corners--in the public
ways--at the exchange--in the drawing-rooms--ay, even in the
churches. If a temple had been reared for the worship of the
Creator, the first question was, how much did it cost? If an artist
submitted the fruits of his labors to the taste of his fellow-
citizens, conjectures were whispered among the spectators, touching
its value in the current coin of the republic. If an author
presented the offspring of his genius to the same arbiters, its
merits were settled by a similar standard; and one divine, who had
made a strenuous, but an ill-timed appeal to the charity of his
countrymen, by setting forth the beauties as well as the rewards of
the god-like property, was fairly put down by a demonstration that
his proposition involved a considerable outlay, while it did not
clearly show much was to be gained by going to heaven!

Brigadier Downright had good reasons for his sombre anticipations,
for all the acquirements, knowledge, and experience, obtained in
many years of travel, were now found to be worse than useless. If my
honorable colleague and covoyager ventured a remark on the subject
of foreign policy, a portion of politics to which he had given
considerable attention, it was answered by a quotation from the
stock market; an observation on a matter of taste was certain to
draw forth a nice distinction between the tastes of certain liquors,
together with a shrewd investigation of their several prices; and
once, when the worthy monikin undertook to show, from what struck me
to be singularly good data, that the foreign relations of the
country were in a condition to require great firmness, a proper
prudence, and much foresight, he was completely silenced by an
antagonist showing, from the last sales, the high value of lots up
town!

In short, there was no dealing with any subject that could not
resolve itself into dollars, by means of the customary exchanges.
The infatuation spread from father to son; from husband to wife;
from brother to sister; and from one collateral to another, until it
pretty effectually assailed the whole of what is usually termed
"society." Noah swore bitterly at this antagonist state of things.
He affirmed that he could not even crack a walnut in a corner, but
every monikin that passed appeared to grudge him the satisfaction,
small as it was; and that Stunin'tun, though a scramble-penny place
as any he knew, was paradise to Leaplow, in the present state of
things.

It was melancholy to remark how the lustre of the ordinary virtues
grew dim, as the period of occultation continued, and the eye
gradually got to be accustomed to the atmosphere cast by the shadow
of pecuniary interest. I involuntarily shuddered at the open and
undisguised manner in which individuals, who might otherwise pass
for respectable monikins, spoke of the means that they habitually
employed in effecting their objects, and laid bare their utter
forgetfulness of the great postulate that was hid. One coolly
vaunted how much cleverer he was than the law; another proved to
demonstration that he had outwitted his neighbor; while a third,
more daring or more expert, applied the same grounds of exultation
to the entire neighborhood. This had the merit of cunning; that of
dissimulation; another of deception, and all of success!

The shadow cast its malign influence on every interest connected
with monikin life. Temples were raised to God on speculation; the
government was perverted to a money-investment, in which profit, and
not justice and security, was the object; holy wedlock fast took the
aspect of buying and selling, and few prayed who did not identify
spiritual benefits with gold and silver.

The besetting propensity of my ancestor soon began to appear in
Leaplow. Many of those pure and unsophisticated republicans shouted,
"Property is in danger!" as stoutly as it was ever roared by Sir
Joseph Job, and dark allusions were made to "revolutions" and
"bayonets." But certain proof of the prevalence of the eclipse, and
that the shadow of pecuniary interest lay dark on the land, was to
be found in the language of what are called the "few." They began to
throw dirt at all opposed to them, like so many fish-women: a sure
symptom that the spirit of selfishness was thoroughly awakened. From
much experience, I hold this sign to be infallible, that the
sentiment of aristocracy is active and vigilant. I never yet visited
a country in which a minority got into its head the crotchet it was
alone fit to dictate to the rest of its fellow-creatures, that it
did not, without delay, set about proving its position, by reviling
and calling names. In this particular "the few" are like women, who,
conscious of their weakness, seldom fail to make up for the want of
vigor in their limbs, by having recourse to the vigor of the tongue.
The "one" hangs; the "many" command by the dignity of force; the
"few" vituperate and scold. This is, I believe, the case all over
the world, except in those peculiar instances in which the "few"
happen also to enjoy the privilege of hanging.

It is worthy of remark that the terms, "rabble," "disorganizers,"
"jacobins," and "agrarians," [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to
tell the intelligent reader there is no proof that any political
community was ever so bent on self-destruction as to enact agrarian
laws, in the vulgar sense in which it has suited the arts of narrow-
minded politicians to represent them ever since the revival of
letters. The celebrated agrarian laws of Rome did not essentially
differ from the distribution of our own military lands, or perhaps
the similitude is greater to the modern Russian military colonies.
Those who feel an interest in this subject would do well to consult
Niebuhr. NOTE BY THE EDITOR.] were bandied from one to the other, in
Leaplow, under this malign influence, with precisely the same
justice, discrimination, and taste, as they had been used by my
ancestor in London, a few years before. Like causes notoriously
produce like effects; and there is no one thing so much like an
Englishman under the property-fever, as a Leaplow monikin suffering
under the same malady.

The effect produced on the state of parties by the passage of the
shadow of Pecuniary Interest, was so singular as to deserve our
notice. Patriots who had long been known for an indomitable
resolution to support their friends, openly abandoned their claims
on the rewards of the little wheel, and went over to the enemy; and
this, too, without recourse to the mysteries of the "flapjack."
Judge People's Friend was completely annihilated for the moment--so
much so, indeed, as to think seriously of taking another mission--
for, during these eclipses, long service, public virtue, calculated
amenity, and all the other bland qualities of your patriot, pass for
nothing, when weighed in the scale against profit and loss. It was
fortunate the Leapthrough question was, in its essence, so well
disposed of, though the uneasiness of those who bought and sold land
by the inch, pushed even that interest before the public again by
insisting that a few millions should be expended in destroying the
munitions of war, lest the nation might improvidently be tempted to
make use of them in the natural way. The cruisers were accordingly
hauled into the stream and converted into tide-mills, the gun-
barrels were transformed into gas-pipes, and the forts were
converted, as fast as possible, into warehouses and tea-gardens.
After this, it was much the fashion to affirm that the advanced
state of civilization had rendered all future wars quite out of the
question. Indeed, the impetus that was given, by the effects of the
shadow, in this way, to humanity in gross, was quite as remarkable
as were its contrary tendencies on humanity in detail.

Public opinion was not backward in showing how completely it was
acting under the influence of the shadow. Virtue began to be
estimated by rent-rolls. The affluent, without hesitation, or,
indeed, opposition, appropriated to themselves the sole use of the
word respectable, while taste, judgment, honesty, and wisdom,
dropped like so many heirlooms quietly into the possession of those
who had money. The Leaplowers are a people of great acuteness, and
of singular knowledge of details. Every considerable man in Bivouac
soon had his social station assigned him, the whole community being
divided into classes of "hundred-thousand-dollar monikins"--"fifty-
thousand-dollar monikins"--"twenty-thousand-dollar monikins." Great
conciseness in language was a consequence of this state of feeling.
The old questions of "is he honest?" "is he capable?" "is he
enlightened?" "is he wise?" "is he good?" being all comprehended in
the single interrogatory of "is he rich?"

There was one effect of this very unusual state of things, that I
had not anticipated. All the money-getting classes, without
exception, showed a singular predilection in favor of what is
commonly called a strong government; being not only a republic, but
virtually a democracy, I found that much the larger portion of this
highly respectable class of citizens, were not at all backward in
expressing their wish for a change.

"How is this?" I demanded of the brigadier, whom I rarely quitted;
for his advice and opinions were of great moment to me, just at this
particular crisis--"how is this, my good friend? I have always been
led to think trade is especially favorable to liberty; and here are
all your commercial interests the loudest in their declamations
against the institutions."

The brigadier smiled; it was but a melancholy smile, after all; for
his spirits appeared to have quite deserted him.

"There are three great divisions among politicians," he said--"they
who do not like liberty at all--they who like it, as low down as
their own particular class--and they who like it for the sake of
their fellow-creatures. The first are not numerous, but powerful by
means of combinations; the second is a very irregular corps,
including, as a matter of course, nearly everybody, but is wanting,
of necessity, in concert and discipline, since no one descends below
his own level; the third are but few, alas, how few! and are
composed of those who look beyond their own selfishness. Now, your
merchants, dwelling in towns, and possessing concert, means, and
identity of interests, have been able to make themselves remarkable
for contending with despotic power, a fact which has obtained for
them a cheap reputation for liberality of opinion; but, so far as
monikin experience goes--men may have proved to be better disposed--
no government that is essentially influenced by commerce has ever
been otherwise than exclusive, or aristocratic."

I bethought me of Venice, Genoa, Pisa, the Hanse Towns, and all the
other remarkable places of this character in Europe, and I felt the
justice of my friend's distinction, at the same time I could not but
observe how much more the minds of men are under the influence of
names and abstractions than under the influence of positive things.
To this opinion the brigadier very readily assented, remarking, at
the same time, that a well-wrought theory had generally more effect
on opinion than fifty facts; a result that he attributed to the
circumstance of monikins having a besetting predisposition to save
themselves the trouble of thinking.

I was, in particular, struck with the effect of the occultation of
Principle on motives. I had often remarked that it was by no means
safe to depend on one's own motives, for two sufficient reasons;
first, that we did not always know what our own motives were; and
secondly, admitting that we did, it was quite unreasonable to
suppose that our friends would believe them what we thought them to
be ourselves. In the present instance, every monikin seemed
perfectly aware of the difficulty; and, instead of waiting for his
acquaintances to attribute some moral enormity as his governing
reason, he prudently adopted a moderately selfish inducement for his
acts, which he proclaimed with a simplicity and frankness that
generally obtained credit. Indeed, the fact once conceded that the
motive was not offensively disinterested and just, no one was
indisposed to listen to the projects of his friend, who usually rose
in estimation, as he was found to be ingenious, calculating, and
shrewd. The effect of all this was to render society singularly
sincere and plain-spoken; and one unaccustomed to so much
ingenuousness, or who was ignorant of the cause, might, plausibly
enough, suppose, at times, that accident had thrown him into an
extraordinary association with so many ARTISTES, who, as it is
commonly expressed, lived by their wits. I will avow that, had it
been the fashion to wear pockets at Leaplow, I should often have
been concerned for their contents; for sentiments so purely
unsophisticated, were so openly advanced under the influence of the
shadow, that one was inevitably led, oftener than was pleasant, to
think of the relations between meum and tuum, as well as of the
unexpected causes by which they were sometimes disturbed.

A vacancy occurred, the second day of the eclipse, among the
representatives of Bivouac, and the candidate of the Horizontals
would certainly have been chosen to fill it, but for a contretemps
connected with this affair of motives. The individual in question
had lately performed that which, in most other countries, and under
other circumstances, would have passed for an act of creditable
national feeling; but which, quite as a matter of course, was
eagerly presented to the electors, by his opponents, as a proof of
his utter unfitness to be intrusted with their interests. The
friends of the candidate took the alarm, and indignantly denied the
charges of the Perpendiculars, affirming that their monikin had been
well paid for what he had done. In an evil hour, the candidate
undertook to explain, by means of a handbill, in which he stated
that he had been influenced by no other motive than a desire to do
that which he believed to be right. Such a person was deemed to be
wanting in natural abilities, and, as a matter of course, he was
defeated; for your Leaplow elector was not such an ass as to confide
the care of his interests to one who knew so little how to take care
of his own.

About this time, too, a celebrated dramatist produced a piece in
which the hero performed prodigies under the excitement of
patriotism, and the labor of his pen was incontinently damned for
his pains; both pit and boxes--the galleries dissenting--deciding
that it was out of all nature to represent a monikin incurring
danger in this unheard-of manner, without a motive. The unhappy
wight altered the last scene, by causing his hero to be rewarded by
a good, round sum of money, when the piece had a very respectable
run for the rest of the season, though I question if it ever were as
popular as it would have been, had this precaution been taken before
it was first acted.




CHAPTER XXVIII.

THE IMPORTANCE OF MOTIVES TO A LEGISLATOR--MORAL CONSECUTIVENESS,
COMETS, KITES, AND A CONVOY; WITH SOME EVERY-DAY LEGISLATION;
TOGETHER WITH CAUSE AND EFFECT.


Legislation, during the occultation of the great moral postulate
Principle by the passage of Pecuniary Interest, is, at the best, but
a melancholy affair. It proved to be peculiarly so with us just at
that moment, for the radiance of the divine property had been a good
deal obscured in the houses, for a long time previously, by the
interference of various minor satellites. In nothing, therefore, did
the deplorable state of things which existed make itself more
apparent, than in our proceedings.

As Captain Poke and myself, notwithstanding our having taken
different stands in politics, still continued to live together, I
had better opportunities to note the workings of the obscuration on
the ingenuous mind of my colleague than on that of most other
persons. He early began to keep a diary of his expenses, regularly
deducting the amount at night from the sum of eight dollars, and
regarding the balance as so much clear gain. His conversation, too,
soon betrayed a leaning to his personal interests, instead of being
of that pure and elevated cast which should characterize the
language of a statesman. He laid down the position, pretty
dogmatically, that legislation, after all, was work; that "the
laborer was worthy of his hire"; and that, for his part, he felt no
great disposition to go through the vexation and trouble of helping
to make laws, unless he could see, with a reasonable certainty, that
something was to be got by it. He thought Leaplow had quite laws
enough as it was--more than she respected or enforced--and if she
wanted any more, all she had to do was to pay for them. He should
take an early occasion to propose that all our wages--or, at any
rate, his own; others might do as they pleased--should be raised, at
the very least, two dollars a day, and this while he merely sat in
the house; for he wished to engage me to move, by way of amendment,
that as much more should be given to the committees. He did not
think it was fair to exact of a member to be a committee-man for
nothin', although most of them were committee-men for nothin'; and
if we were called on to keep two watches, in this manner, the least
that could be done would be to give us TWO PAYS. He said,
considering it in the most favorable point of view, that there was
great wear and tear of brain in legislation, and he should never be
the man he was before he engaged in the trade; he assured me that
his idees, sometimes, were so complicated that he did not know where
to find the one he wanted, and that he had wished for a cauda, a
thousand times, since he had been in the house, for, by keeping the
end of it in his hand, like the bight of a rope, he might always
have suthin' tangible to cling to. He told me, as a great secret,
that he was fairly tired of rummaging among his thoughts for the
knowledge necessary to understand what was going on, and that he had
finally concluded to put himself, for the rest of the session, under
the convoy of a God-like. He had been looking out for a fit fugleman
of this sort, and he had pretty much determined to follow the signal
of the great God-like of the Parpendic'lars, like the rest of them,
for it would occasion less confusion in the ranks, and enable him to
save himself a vast deal of trouble in making up his mind. He didn't
know, on the whole, but eight dollars a day might give a living
profit, provided he could throw all the thinking on his God-like,
and turn his attention to suthin' else; he thought of writing his
v'y'ges, for he understood that anything from foreign parts took
like wild-fire in Leaplow; and if they didn't take, he could always
project charts for a living.

Perhaps it will be necessary to explain what Noah meant by saying
that he thought of engaging a God-like. The reader has had some
insight into the nature of one set of political leaders in Leaplow,
who are known by the name of the Most Patriotic Patriots. These
persons, it is scarcely necessary to say, are always with the
majority, or in a situation to avail themselves of the evolutions of
the little wheel. Their great rotatory principle keeps them pretty
constantly in motion, it is true; but while there is a centrifugal
force to maintain this action, great care has been had to provide a
centripetal counterpoise, in order to prevent them from bolting out
of the political orbit. It is supposed to be owing to this
peculiarity in their party organizations, that your Leaplow patriot
is so very remarkable for going round and round a subject, without
ever touching it.

As an offset to this party arrangement, the Perpendiculars have
taken refuge in the God-likes. A God-like, in Leaplow politics, in
some respects resembles a saint in the Catholic calendar; that is to
say, he is canonized, after passing through a certain amount of
temptation and vice with a whole skin; after having his cause
pleaded for a certain number of years before the high authorities of
his party; and, usually, after having had a pretty good taste of
purgatory. Canonization attained, however, all gets to be plain
sailing with him. He is spared, singular as it may appear, even a
large portion of his former "wear and tear" of brains, as Noah had
termed it, for nothing puts one so much at liberty in this respect,
as to have full powers to do all the thinking. Thinking in company,
like travelling in company, requires that we should have some
respect to the movements, wishes, and opinions of others; but he who
gets a carte blanche for his sentiments, resembles the uncaged bird,
and may fly in whatever direction most pleases himself, and feel
confident, as he goes, that his ears will be saluted with the usual
traveller's signal of "all's right." I can best compare the
operation of your God-like and his votaries, to the action of a
locomotive with its railroad train. As that goes, this follows;
faster or slower, the movement is certain to be accompanied; when
the steam is up they fly, when the fire is out they crawl, and that,
too, with a very uneasy sort of motion; and when a bolt is broken,
they who have just been riding without the smallest trouble to
themselves, are compelled to get out and push the load ahead as well
as they can, frequently with very rueful faces, and in very dirty
ways. The cars whisk about, precisely as the locomotive whisks
about, all the turn-outs are necessarily imitated, and, in short,
one goes after the other very much as it is reasonable to suppose
will happen when two bodies are chained together, and the entire
moving power is given to only one of them. A God-like in Leaplow,
moreover, is usually a Riddle. It was the object of Noah to hitch on
to one of these moral steam-tugs, in order that he too might be
dragged through his duties without effort to himself; an expedient,
as the old sealer expressed it, that would in some degree remedy his
natural want of a cauda, by rendering him nothing but tail.

"I expect, Sir John," he said, for he had a practice of expecting by
way of conjecture, "I expect this is the reason why the Leaplowers
dock themselves. They find it more convenient to give up the
management of their affairs to some one of these God-likes, and fall
into his wake like the tail of a comet, which makes it quite
unnecessary to have any other cauda."

"I understand you; they amputate to prevent tautology."

Noah rarely spoke of any project until his mind was fairly made up;
and the execution usually soon followed the proposition. The next
thing I heard of him, therefore, he was fairly under the convoy, as
he called it, of one of the most prominent of the Riddles. Curious
to know how he liked the experiment, after a week's practice, I
called his attention to the subject, by a pretty direct inquiry.

He told me it was altogether the pleasantest mode of legislating
that had ever been devised. He was now perfectly master of his own
time, and in fact, he was making out a set of charts for the Leaplow
marine, a task that was likely to bring him in a good round sum, as
pumpkins were cheap, and in the polar seas he merely copied the
monikin authorities, and out of it he had things pretty much his own
way. As for the Great Allegory, when he wanted a hint about it, or,
indeed, about any other point at issue, all he had to do was to
inquire what his God-like thought about it, and to vote accordingly.
Then he saved himself a great deal of breath in the way of argument
out of doors, for he and the rest of the clientele of this Riddle,
having officially invested their patron with all their own parts,
the result had been such an accumulation of knowledge in this one
individual, as enabled them ordinarily to floor any antagonist by
the simple quotation of his authority. Such or such is the opinion
of God-like this or of God-like that, was commonly sufficient; and
then there was no lack of material, for he had taken care to provide
himself with a Riddle who, he really believed, had given an opinion,
at some time or other, on every side of every subject that had ever
been mooted in Leaplow. He could nullify, or mollify, or qualify,
with the best of them; and these, which he termed the three fies, he
believed were the great requisites of a Leaplow legislator. He
admitted, however, that some show of independence was necessary, in
order to give value to the opinion of even a God-like, for monikin
nature revolted at anything like total mental dependence; and that
he had pretty much made up his mind to think for himself on a
question that was to be decided that very day.

The case to which the captain alluded was this. The city of Bivouac
was divided in three pretty nearly equal parts which were separated
from each other by two branches of a marsh; one part of the town
being on a sort of island, and the other two parts on the respective
margins of the low land. It was very desirable to connect these
different portions of the capital by causeways, and a law to that
effect had been introduced in the house. Everybody, in or out of the
house, was in favor of the project, for the causeways had become, in
some measure, indispensable. The only disputed point was the length
of the works in question. One who is but little acquainted with
legislation, and who has never witnessed the effects of an
occultation of the great moral postulate Principle, by the orb
Pecuniary Interest, would very plausibly suppose that the whole
affair lay in a nutshell, and that all we had to do was to pass a
law ordering the causeways to extend just as far as the public
convenience rendered it necessary. But these are mere tyros in the
affairs of monikins. The fact was that there were just as many
different opinions and interests at work to regulate the length of
the causeways, as there were, owners of land along their line of
route. The great object was to start in what was called the business
quarter of the town, and then to proceed with the work as far as
circumstances would allow. We had propositions before us in favor of
from one hundred feet as far as up to ten thousand. Every inch was
fought for with as much obstinacy as if it were an important breach
that was defended; and combinations and conspiracies were as rife as
if we were in the midst of a revolution. It was the general idea
that by filling in with dirt, a new town might be built wherever the
causeway terminated, and fortunes made by an act of parliament. The
inhabitants of the island rallied en masse against the causeway
leading one inch from their quarter, after it had fairly reached it;
and, so throughout the entire line, monikins battled for what they
called their interests, with an obstinacy worthy of heroes.

On this great question, for it had, in truth, become of the last
importance by dragging into its consideration most of the leading
measures of the day, as well as six or seven of the principal
ordinances of the Great National Allegory, the respective partisans
logically contending that, for the time being, nothing should
advance a foot in Leaplow that did not travel along that causeway,
Noah determined to take an independent stand. This resolution was
not lightly formed, for he remained rather undecided, until, by
waiting a sufficient time, he felt quite persuaded that nothing was
to be got by following any other course. His God-like luckily was in
the same predicament, and everything promised a speedy occasion to
show the world what it was to act on principle; and this, too, in
the middle of a moral eclipse.

When the question came to be discussed, the landholders along the
first line of the causeway were soon reasoned down by the superior
interests of those who lived on the island. The rub was, the point
of permitting the work to go any further. The islanders manifested
great liberality, according to their account of themselves; for they
even consented that the causeway should be constructed on the other
marsh to precisely such a distance as would enable any one to go as
near as possible to the hostile quarter, without absolutely entering
it. To admit the latter, they proved to demonstration, would be
changing the character of their own island from that of an entrepot
to that of a mere thoroughfare. No reasonable monikin could expect
it of them.

As the Horizontals, by some calculation that I never understood, had
satisfied themselves it might better answer their purposes to
construct the entire work, than to stop anywhere between the two
extremes, my duty was luckily, on this occasion, in exact accordance
with my opinions; and, as a matter of course, I voted, this time, in
a way of which I could approve. Noah, finding himself a free agent,
now made his push for character, and took sides with us. Very
fortunately we prevailed, all the beaten interests joining
themselves, at the last moment, to the weakest side, or, in other
words, to that which was right; and Leaplow presented the singular
spectacle of having a just enactment passed during the occultation
of the great moral postulate, so often named. I ought to mention
that I have termed principle a postulate, throughout this narrative,
simply because it is usually in the dilemma of a disputed
proposition.

No sooner was the result known, than my worthy colleague came round
to the Horizontal side of the house, to express his satisfaction
with himself for the course he had just taken. He said it was
certainly very convenient and very labor-saving to obey a God-like,
and that he got on much better with his charts now he was at liberty
to give his whole mind to the subject; but there was suthin'--he
didn't know what--but "a sort of Stunin'tun feeling" in doing what
one thought right, after all, that caused him to be glad that he had
voted for the whole causeway. He did not own any land in Leaplow,
and therefore he concluded that what he had done, he had done for
the best; at any rate, if he had got nothin' by it, he had lost
nothin' by it, and he hoped all would come right in the end. The
people of the island, it is true, had talked pretty fair about what
they would do for those who should sustain their interests, but he
had got sick of a currency in promises; and fair words, at his time
of life, didn't go for much; and so, on the whole, he had pretty
much concluded to do as he had done. He thought no one could call in
question his vote, for he was just as poor and as badly off now he
had voted, as he was while he was making up his mind. For his part,
he shouldn't be ashamed, hereafter, to look both Deacon Snort and
the Parson in the face, when he got home, or even Miss Poke. He knew
what it was to have a clean conscience, as well as any man; for none
so well knew what it was to be without anything, as they who had
felt by experience its want. His God-like was a very labor-saving
God-like, but he had found, on inquiry, that he came from another
part of the island, and that he didn't care a straw which way his
kite-tail (Noah's manner of pronouncing clientele) voted. In short,
he defied any one to say ought ag'in' him this time, and he was not
sorry the occasion had offered to show his independence, for his
enemies had not been backward in remarking that, for some days, he
had been little better than a speaking-trumpet to roar out anything
his God-like might wish to have proclaimed. He concluded by stating
that he could not hold out much longer without meat of some sort or
other, and by begging that I would second a resolution he thought of
offering, by which regular substantial rations were to be dealt out
to all the human part of the house. The inhumans might live upon
nuts still, if they liked them.

I remonstrated against the project of the rations, made a strong
appeal to his pride, by demonstrating that we should be deemed
little better than brutes if we were seen eating flesh, and advised
him to cause some of his nuts to be roasted, by way of variety.
After a good deal of persuasion, he promised further abstinence,
although he went away with a singularly carnivorous look about the
mouth, and an eye that spoke pork in every glance.

I was at home the next day, busy with my friend the brigadier, in
looking over the Great National Allegory, with a view to prevent
falling, unwittingly, into any more offences of quoting its
opinions, when Noah burst into the room, as rabid as a wolf that had
been bitten by a whole pack of hounds. Such, indeed, was, in some
measure, his situation; for, according to his statement, he had been
baited that morning, in the public streets even, by every monikin,
monikina, monikino, brat, and beggar, that he had seen. Astonished
to hear that my colleague had fallen into this disfavor with his
constitutents, I was not slow in asking an explanation.

The captain affirmed that the matter was beyond the reach of any
explanation it was in his power to give. He had voted in the affair
of the causeway, in strict conformity with the dictates of his
conscience, and yet here was the whole population accusing him of
bribery--nay, even the journals had openly flouted at him for what
they called his barefaced and flagrant corruption. Here the captain
laid before us six or seven of the leading journals of Bivouac, in
all of which his late vote was treated with quite as little ceremony
as if it had been an unequivocal act of sheep-stealing.

I looked at my friend the brigadier for an explanation. After
running his eye over the articles in the journals, the latter
smiled, and cast a look of commiseration at our colleague.

"You have certainly committed a grave fault here, my friend," he
said, "and one that is seldom forgiven in Leaplow--perhaps I might
say never, during the occultation of the great moral postulate, as
happens to be the case at present."

"Tell me my sins at once, brigadier," cried Noah, with the look of a
martyr, "and put me out of pain."

"You have forgotten to display a motive for your stand during the
late hot discussion; and, as a matter of course, the community
ascribes the worst that monikin ingenuity can devise. Such an
oversight would ruin even a God-like!"

"But, my dear Mr. Downright," I kindly interposed, "our colleague,
in this instance, is supposed to have acted on principle."

The brigadier looked up, turning his nose into the air, like a pup
that has not yet opened its eyes, and then intimated that he could
not see the quality I had named, it being obscured by the passage of
the orb of Pecuniary Interest before its disc. I now began to
comprehend the case, which really was much more grave than, at
first, I could have believed possible. Noah himself seemed
staggered; for, I believe, he had fallen on the simple and natural
expedient of inquiring what he himself would have thought of the
conduct of a colleague who had given a vote on a subject so weighty,
without exposing a motive.

"Had the captain owned but a foot square of earth, at the end of the
causeway," observed the brigadier, mournfully, "the matter might be
cleared up; but as things are, it is beyond dispute, a most
unfortunate occurrence."

"But Sir John voted with me, and he is no more a free-holder in
Leaplow, than I am myself."

"True; but Sir John voted with the bulk of his political friends."

"All the Horizontals were not in the majority; for at least twenty
went, on this occasion, with the minority."

"Undeniable--yet every monikin of them had a visible motive. This
owned a lot by the wayside; that had houses on the island, and
another was the heir of a great proprietor at the same point of the
road. Each and all had their distinct and positive interests at
stake, and not one of them was guilty of so great a weakness as to
leave his cause to be defended by the extravagant pretension of mere
principle!"

"My God-like, the greatest of all the Riddles, absented himself, and
did not vote at all."

"Simply because he had no good ground to justify any course he might
take. No public monikin can expect to escape censure, if he fail to
put his friends, in the way of citing some plausible and
intelligible motive for his conduct."

"How, sir! cannot a man, once in his life, do an act without being
bought like a horse or a dog, and escape with an inch of character?"

"I shall not take upon myself to say what MEN can do," returned the
brigadier; "no doubt they manage this affair better than it is
managed here; but, so far as monikins are concerned, there is no
course more certain to involve a total loss of character--I may say
so destructive to reputation even for intellect--as to act without a
good, apparent, and substantial MOTIVE."

"In the name of God, what is to be done, brigadier?"

"I see no other course than to resign. Your constituents must very
naturally have lost all confidence in you; for one who so very
obviously neglects his own interests, it cannot be supposed will be
very tenacious about protecting the interests of others. If you
would escape with the little character that is left, you will
forthwith resign. I do not perceive the smallest chance for you by
going through gyration No. 4, both public opinions uniformly
condemning the monikin who acts without a pretty obvious, as well as
a pretty weighty motive."

Noah made a merit of necessity; and, after some further deliberation
between us, he signed his name to the following letter to the
speaker, which was drawn up on the spot, by the brigadier.

"Mr. Speaker:--The state of my health obliges me to return the high
political trust which has been confided to me by the citizens of
Bivouac, into the hands from which it was received. In tendering my
resignation, I wish to express the great regret with which I part
from colleagues so every way worthy of profound respect and esteem,
and I beg you to assure them, that wherever fate may hereafter lead
me, I shall ever retain the deepest regard for every honorable
member with whom it has been my good fortune to serve. The emigrant
interest, in particular, will ever be the nearest and dearest to my
heart." Signed,

"NOAH POKE."

The captain did not affix his name to this letter without many heavy
sighs, and divers throes of ambition; for even a mistaken politician
yields to necessity with regret. Having changed the word emigrant to
that of "immigrunt," however, he put as good a face as possible on
the matter, and wrote the fatal signature. He then left the house,
declaring he didn't so much begrudge his successor the pay, as
nothing but nuts were to be had with the money; and that, as for
himself, he felt as sneaking as he believed was the case with
Nebuchadnezzar, when he was compelled to get down on all-fours, and
eat grass.




CHAPTER XXIX.

SOME EXPLANATIONS--A HUMAN APPETITE--A DINNER AND A BONNE BOUCHE.


The brigadier and myself remained behind to discuss the general
bearings of this unexpected event.

"Your rigid demand for motives, my good sir," I remarked, "reduces
the Leaplow political morality very much, after all, to the level of
the social-stake system of our part of the world."

"They both depend on the crutch of personal Interests, it is true;
though there is, between them, the difference of the interests of a
part and of the interests of the whole."

"And could a part act less commendably than the whole appear to have
acted in this instance?"

"You forget that Leaplow, just at this moment, is under a moral
eclipse. I shall not say that these eclipses do not occur often, but
they occur quite as frequently in other parts of the region, as they
occur here. We have three great modes of controlling monikin
affairs, viz., the one, the few, and the many--"

"Precisely the same classification exists among men!" I interrupted.

"Some of our improvements are reflected backward; twilight following
as well as preceding the passage of the sun," quite coolly returned
the brigadier. "We think that the many come nearest to balancing the
evil, although we are far from believing even them to be immaculate.
Admitting that the tendencies to wrong are equal in the three
systems (which we do not, however, for we think our own has the
least), it is contended that the many escape one great source of
oppression and injustice, by escaping the onerous provisions which
physical weakness is compelled to make, in order to protect itself
against physical strength."

"This is reversing a very prevalent opinion among men, sir, who
usually maintain that the tyranny of the many is the worst sort of
all tyrannies."

"This opinion has got abroad simply because the lion has not been
permitted to draw his own picture. As cruelty is commonly the
concomitant of cowardice, so is oppression nine times out of ten the
result of weakness. It is natural for the few to dread the many,
while it is not natural for the many to dread the few. Then, under
institutions in which the many rule, certain great principles that
are founded on natural justice, as a matter of course, are openly
recognized; and it is rare, indeed, that they do not, more or less,
influence the public acts. On the other hand, the control of a few
requires that these same truths should be either mystified or
entirely smothered: and the consequence is injustice."

"But, admitting all your maxims, brigadier, as regards the few and
the many, you must yourself allow that here, in your beloved Leaplow
itself, monikins consult their own interests; and this, after all,
is acting on the fundamental principle of the great European social-
stake system."

"Meaning that the goods of the world ought to be the test of
political power. By the sad confusion which exists among us, at this
moment, Sir John, you must perceive that we are not exactly under
the most salutary of all possible influences. I take it that the
great desideratum of society is to be governed by certain great
moral truths. The inferences and corollaries of these truths are
principles, which come of heaven. Now, agreeably to the monikin
dogmas, the love of money is 'of the earth, earthy'; and, at the
first blush, it would not seem to be quite safe to receive such an
inducement as the governing motive of one monikin, and, by a pretty
fair induction, it would seem to be equally unwise to admit it for a
good many. You will remember, also, that when none but the rich have
authority, they control not only their own property, but that of
others who have less. Your principle supposes, that in taking care
of his own, the elector of wealth must take care of what belongs to
the rest of the community; but our experience shows that a monikin
can be particularly careful of himself, and singularly negligent of
his neighbor. Therefore do we hold that money is a bad foundation
for power."

"You unsettle everything, brigadier, without finding a substitute."

"Simply because it is easy to unsettle everything and very difficult
to find substitutes. But, as respects the base of society, I merely
doubt the wisdom of setting up a qualification that we all know
depends on an unsound principle. I much fear, Sir John, that, so
long as monikins are monikins, we shall never be quite perfect; and
as to your social-stake system, I am of opinion that as society is
composed of all, it may be well to hear what all have to say about
its management."

"Many men, and, I dare say, many monikins, are not to be trusted
even with the management of their own concerns."

"Very true; but it does not follow that other men, or other
monikins, will lose sight of their own interests on this account, if
vested with the right to act as their substitutes. You have been
long enough a legislator, now, to have got some idea how difficult
it is to make even a direct and responsible representative respect
entirely the interests and wishes of his constituents; and the fact
will show you how little he will be likely to think of others, who
believes that he acts as their master and not as their servant."

"The amount of all this, brigadier, is that you have little faith in
monikin disinterestedness, in any shape; that you believe he who is
intrusted with power will abuse it; and therefore, you choose to
divide the trust, in order to divide the abuses; that the love of
money is an 'earthy' quality, and not to be confided in as the
controlling power of a state; and, finally, that the social-stake
system is radically wrong, inasmuch as it is no more than carrying
out a principle that is in itself defective."

My companion gaped, like one content to leave the matter there. I
wished him a good morning, and walked upstairs in quest of Noah,
whose carnivorous looks had given me considerable uneasiness. The
captain was out; and, after searching for him in the streets for an
hour or two, I returned to our abode fatigued and hungry.

At no great distance from our own door, I met Judge People's Friend,
shorn and dejected, and I stopped to say a kind word, before going
up the ladder. It was quite impossible to see a gentleman, whom one
had met in good society and in better fortunes, with every hair
shaved from his body, his apology for a tail still sore from its
recent amputation, and his entire mien expressive of republican
humility, without a desire to condole with him. I expressed my
regrets, therefore, as succinctly as possible, encouraging him with
the hope of seeing a new covering of down before long, but
delicately abstaining from any allusion to the cauda, whose loss I
knew was irretrievable. To my great surprise, however, the judge
answered cheerfully; discarding, for the moment, every appearance of
self-abasement and mortification.

"How is this?" I cried; "you are not then miserable?"

"Very far from it, Sir John--I never was in better spirits, or had
better prospects, in my life."

I remembered the extraordinary manner in which the brigadier had
saved Noah's head, and was fully resolved not to be astonished at
any manifestation of monikin ingenuity. Still I could not forbear
demanding an explanation.

"Why, it may seem odd to you, Sir John, to find a politician, who is
apparently in the depths of despair, really on the eve of a glorious
preferment. Such, however, is in fact my case. In Leaplow, humility
is everything. The monikin who will take care and repeat
sufficiently often that he is just the poorest devil going, that he
is absolutely unfit for even the meanest employment in the land, and
in other respects ought to be hooted out of society, may very safely
consider himself in a fair way to be elevated to some of the
dignities he declares himself the least fitted to fill."

"In such a case, all he will have to do then, will be to make his
choice, and denounce himself loudest touching his especial
disqualifications for that very station?"

"You are apt, Sir John, and would succeed, if you would only consent
to remain among us!" said the judge, winking.

"I begin to see into your management--after all, you are neither
miserable nor ashamed?"

"Not the least in the world. It is of more importance for monikins
of my calibre to seem to be anything than to be it. My fellow-
citizens are usually satisfied with this sacrifice; and, now
principle is eclipsed, nothing is easier."

"But how happens it, judge, that one of your surprising dexterity
and agility should be caught tripping? I had thought you
particularly expert, and infallible in all the gyrations. Perhaps
the little affair of the cauda has leaked out?"

The judge laughed in my face.

"I see you know little of us, after all, Sir John. Here have we
proscribed caudae, as anti-republican, both public opinions setting
their faces against them; and yet a monikin may wear one abroad a
mile long with impunity if he will just submit to a new dock when he
comes home, and swear that he is the most miserable wretch going. If
he can throw in a favorable word, too, touching the Leaplow cats and
dogs--Lord bless you, sir! they would pardon treason!"

"I begin to comprehend your policy, judge, if not your polity.
Leaplow being a popular government, it becomes necessary that its
public agents should be popular too. Now, as monikins naturally
delight in their own excellences, nothing so disposes them to give
credit to another, as his professions that he is worse than
themselves."

The judge nodded and grinned.

"But another word, dear sir--as you feel yourself constrained to
commend the cats and dogs of Leaplow, do you belong to that school
of philocats, who take their revenge for their amenity to the
quadrupeds, by berating their fellow-creatures?"

The judge started, and glanced about him as if he dreaded a thief-
taker. Then earnestly imploring me to respect his situation, he
added in a whisper, that the subject of the people was sacred with
him, that he rarely spoke of them without a reverence, and that his
favorable sentiments in relation to the cats and dogs were not
dependent on any particular merits of the animals themselves, but
merely because they were the people's cats and dogs. Fearful that I
might say something still more disagreeable, the judge hastened to
take his leave, and I never saw him afterward. I make no doubt,
however, that in good time his hair grew as he grew again into
favor, and that he found the means to exhibit the proper length of
tail on all suitable occasions.

A crowd in the street now caught my attention. On approaching it, a
colleague who was there was kind enough to explain its cause.

It would seem that certain Leaphighers had been travelling in
Leaplow; and, not satisfied with this liberty, they had actually
written books concerning things that they had seen, and things that
they had not seen. As respects the latter, neither of the public
opinions was very sensitive, although many of them reflected on the
Great National Allegory and the sacred rights of monikins; but as
respects the former, there was a very lively excitement. These
writers had the audacity to say that the Leaplowers had cut off all
their caudae, and the whole community was convulsed at an outrage so
unprecedented. It was one thing to take such a step, and another to
have it proclaimed to the world in books. If the Leaplowers had no
tails, it was clearly their own fault. Nature had formed them with
tails. They had bobbed themselves on a republican principle; and no
one's principles ought to be thrown into his face, in this rude
manner, more especially during a moral eclipse.

The dispensers of the essence of lopped tails threatened vengeance;
caricaturists were put in requisition; some grinned, some menaced,
some swore, and all read!

I left the crowd, taking the direction of my door again, pondering
on this singular state of society, in which a peculiarity that had
been deliberately and publicly adopted, should give rise to a
sensitiveness of a character so unusual. I very well knew that men
are commonly more ashamed of natural imperfections than those which,
in a great measure, depend on themselves; but then men are, in their
own estimation at least, placed by nature at the head of creation,
and in that capacity it is reasonable to suppose they will be
jealous of their natural privileges. The present case was rather
Leaplow than generic; and I could only account for it, by supposing
that nature had placed certain nerves in the wrong part of the
Leaplow anatomy.

On entering the house, a strong smell of roasted meat saluted my
nostrils, causing a very unphilosophical pleasure to the olfactory
nerves, a pleasure which acted very directly, too, on the gastric
juices of the stomach. In plain English, I had very sensible
evidence that it was not enough to transport a man to the monikin
region, send him to parliament, and keep him on nuts for a week, to
render him exclusively ethereal, I found it was vain "to kick
against the pricks." The odor of roasted meat was stronger than all
the facts just named, and I was fain to abandon philosophy, and
surrender to the belly. I descended incontinently to the kitchen,
guided by a sense no more spiritual than that which directs the
hound in the chase.

On opening the door of our refectory, such a delicious perfume
greeted the nose, that I melted like a romantic girl at the murmur
of a waterfall, and, losing sight of all the sublime truths so
lately acquired, I was guilty of the particular human weakness which
is usually described as having the "mouth water."

The sealer had quite taken leave of his monikin forbearance, and was
enjoying himself in a peculiarly human manner. A dish of roasted
meat was lying before him, and his eyes fairly glared as he turned
them from me to the viand, in a way to render it a little doubtful
whether I was a welcome visitor. But that honest old principle of
seamen which never refuses to share equally with an ancient mess-
mate, got the better even of his voracity.

"Sit down, Sir John," the captain cried, without ceasing to
masticate, "and make no bones of it. To own the fact, the latter are
almost as good as the flesh. I never tasted a sweeter morsel!"

I did not wait for a second invitation, the reader may be sure; and
in less than ten minutes the dish was as clear as a table that had
been swept by harpies. As this work is intended for one in which
truth is rigidly respected, I shall avow that I do not remember any
cultivation of sentiment which gave me half so much satisfaction as
that short and hurried repast. I look back to it, even now, as to
the very beau ideal of a dinner! Its fault was in the quantity, and
not in quality.

I gazed greedily about for more. Just then, I caught a glimpse of a
face that seemed looking at me with melancholy reproach. The truth
flashed upon me in a flood of horrible remorse. Rushing upon Noah
like a tiger, I seized him by the throat, and cried, in a voice of
despair:

"Cannibal! what hast thou done?"

"Loosen your grip, Sir John--we do not relish these hugs at
Stunin'tun."

"Wretch! thou hast made me the participator of thy crime! We have
eaten Brigadier Downright."

"Loosen, Sir John, or human natur' will rebel."

"Monster! give up thy unholy repast--dost not see a million
reproaches in the eyes of the innocent victim of thy insatiable
appetites?"

"Cast off, Sir John, cast off, while we are friends, I care not if I
have swallowed all the brigadiers in Leaplow--off hands!"

"Never, monster! until thou disgorgest thy unholy meal!"

Noah could endure no more; but, seizing me by the throat, on the
retaliating principle, I soon had some such sensations as one would
be apt to feel if his gullet were in a vice. I shall not attempt to
describe very minutely the miracle that followed. Hanging ought to
be an effectual remedy for many delusions; for, in my case, the
bowstring I was under certainly did wonders in a very short time.
Gradually the whole scene changed. First came a mist, then a
vertigo; and finally, as the captain relaxed his hold, objects
appeared in new forms, and instead of being in our lodgings in
Bivouac, I found myself in my old apartment in the Rue de Rivoli,
Paris.

"King!" exclaimed Noah, who stood before me, red in the face with
exertion; "this is no boy's play, and if it's to be repeated, I
shall use a lashing! Where would be the harm, Sir John, if a man had
eaten a monkey?"

Astonishment kept me mute. Every object, just as I had left it the
morning we started for London, on our way to Leaphigh, was there. A
table, in the centre of the room, was covered with sheets of paper
closely written over, which, on examination, I found contained this
manuscript as far as the last chapter. Both the captain and myself
were attired as usual; I a la Parisien and he a la Stunin'tun. A
small ship, very ingeniously made, and very accurately rigged, lay
on the floor, with "Walrus" written on her stern. As my bewildered
eye caught a glimpse of this vessel, Noah informed me that, having
nothing to do except to look after my welfare (a polite way of
characterizing his ward over my person, as I afterward found), he
had employed his leisure in constructing the toy.

All was inexplicable. There was really the smell of meat. I had also
that peculiar sensation of fulness which is apt to succeed a dinner,
and a dish well filled with bones was in plain view. I took up one
of the latter, in order to ascertain its genus. The captain kindly
informed me that it was the remains of a pig, which had cost him a
great deal of trouble to obtain, as the French viewed the act of
eating a pig as very little less heinous than the act of eating a
child. Suspicions began to trouble me, and I now turned to look for
the head and reproachful eye of the brigadier.

The head was where I had just before seen it, visible over the top
of a trunk; but it was so far raised as to enable me to see that it
was still planted on its shoulders. A second look enabled me to
distinguish the meditative, philosophical countenance of Dr.
Reasono, who was still in the hussar-jacket and petticoat, though,
being in the house, he had very properly laid aside the Spanish hat
with bedraggled feathers.

A movement followed in the antechamber, and a hurried conversation,
in a low, earnest tone, succeeded. The captain disappeared, and
joined the speakers. I listened intently, but could not catch any of
the intonations of a dialect founded on the decimal principle.
Presently the door opened, and Dr. Etherington stood before me!

The good divine regarded me long and earnestly. Tears filled his
eyes, and, stretching out both hands towards me, he asked:

"Do you know me, Jack?"

"Know you, dear sir!--Why should I not?"

"And do you forgive me, dear boy?"

"For what, sir?--I am sure, I have most reason to demand your pardon
for a thousand follies."

"Ah! the letter--the unkind--the inconsiderate letter!"

"I have not had a letter from you, sir, in a twelvemonth; the last
was anything but unkind."

"Though Anna wrote, it was at my dictation."

I passed a hand over my brow, and had dawnings of the truth.

"Anna?"

"Is here--in Paris--and miserable--most miserable!--on your
account."

Every particle of monikinity that was left in my system instantly
gave way to a flood of human sensations.

"Let me fly to her, dear sir--a moment is an age!"

"Not just yet, my boy. We have much to say to each other, nor is she
in this hotel. To-morrow, when both are better prepared, you shall
meet."

"Add, never to separate, sir, and I will be patient as a lamb."

"Never to separate, I believe it will be better to say."

I hugged my venerable guardian, and found a delicious relief from a
most oppressive burden of sensations, in a flow of tears,

Dr. Etherington soon led me into a calmer tone of mind. In the
course of the day, many matters were discussed and settled. I was
told that Captain Poke had been a good nurse, though in a sealing
fashion; and that the least I could do was to send him back to
Stunin'tun, free of cost. This was agreed to, and the worthy but
dogmatical mariner was promised the means of fitting out a new
"Debby and Dolly."

"These philosophers had better be presented to some academy,"
observed the doctor, smiling, as he pointed to the family of amiable
strangers, "being already F. U. D. G. E.'s and H. O. A. X.'s. Mr.
Reasono, in particular, is unfit for ordinary society."

"Do with them as you please, my more than father. Let the poor
animals, however, be kept from physical suffering."

"Attention shall be paid to all their wants, both physical and
moral."

"And in a day or two, we shall proceed to the rectory?"

"The day after to-morrow, if you have strength."

"And to-morrow?"

"Anna will see you."

"And the next day?"

"Nay, not quite so soon, Jack; but the moment we think you perfectly
restored, she shall share your fortunes for the remainder of your
common probation."




CHAPTER XXX.

EXPLANATIONS--A LEAVE-TAKING--LOVE--CONFESSIONS, BUT NO PENITENCE.


A night of sweet repose left me refreshed, and with a pulse that
denoted less agitation than on the preceding day. I awoke early, had
a bath, and sent for Captain Poke to take his coffee with me, before
we parted; for it had been settled, the previous evening, that he
was to proceed towards Stunin'tun forthwith. My old messmate,
colleague, co-adventurer, and fellow-traveller, was not slow in
obeying the summons. I confess his presence was a comfort to me, for
I did not like looking at objects that had been so inexplicably
replaced before my eyes, unsupported by the countenance of one who
had gone through so many grave scenes in my company.

"This has been a very extraordinary voyage of ours, Captain Poke," I
remarked, after the worthy sealer had swallowed sixteen eggs, an
omelet, seven cotelettes, and divers accessories. "Do you think of
publishing your private journal?"

"Why, in my opinion, Sir John, the less that either of us says of
the v'y'ge the better."

"And why so? We have had the discoveries of Columbus, Cook,
Vancouver, and Hudson--why not those of Captain Poke?"

"To own the truth, we sealers do not like to speak of our cruising
grounds--and, as for these monikins, after all, what are they good
for? A thousand of them wouldn't make a quart of 'ile, and by all
accounts their fur is worth next to nothin'."

"Do you account their philosophy for nothing? and their
jurisprudence?--you, who were so near losing your head, and who did
actually lose your tail, by the axe of the executioner?"

Noah placed a hand behind him, fumbling about the seat of reason,
with evident uneasiness. Satisfied that no harm had been done, he
very coolly placed half a muffin in what he called his "provision
hatchway."

"You will give me this pretty model of our good old 'Walrus,'
captain?"

"Take it, o' Heaven's sake, Sir John, and good luck to you with it.
You, who give me a full-grown schooner, will be but poorly paid with
a toy."

"It's as like the dear old craft as one pea is like another!"

"I dare say it may be. I never knew a model that hadn't suthin' of
the original in it."

"Well, my good shipmate, we must part. You know I am to go and see
the lady who is soon to be my wife, and the diligence will be ready
to take you to Havre, before I return."

"God bless you! Sir John--God bless you!" Noah blew his nose till it
rung like a French horn. I thought his little coals of eyes were
glittering, too, more than common, most probably with moisture.
"You're a droll navigator, and make no more of the ice than a colt
makes of a rail. But though the man at the wheel is not always awake
the heart seldom sleeps."

"When the 'Debby and Dolly' is fairly in the water, you will do me
the pleasure of letting me know it."

"Count on me, Sir John. Before we part, I have, however, a small
favor to ask."

"Name it."

Here Noah drew out of his pocket a sort of basso relievo carved in
pine. It represented Neptune armed with a harpoon instead of a
trident; the captain always contending that the god of the seas
should never carry the latter, but that, in its place, he should be
armed either with the weapon he had given him, or with a boat-hook.
On the right of Neptune was an English gentleman holding out a bag
of guineas. On the other was a female who, I was told, represented
the goddess of liberty, while it was secretly a rather flattering
likeness of Miss Poke. The face of Neptune was supposed to have some
similitude to that of her husband. The captain, with that modesty
which is invariably the companion of merit in the arts, asked
permission to have a copy of this design placed on the schooner's
stern. It would have been churlish to refuse such a compliment; and
I now offered Noah my hand, as the time for parting had arrived. The
sealer grasped me rather tightly, and seemed disposed to say more
than adieu.

"You are going to see an angel, Sir John."

"How!--Do you know anything of Miss Etherington?"

"I should be as blind as an old bumboat else. During our late
v'y'ge, I saw her often."

"This is strange!--But there is evidently something on your mind, my
friend; speak freely."

"Well, then, Sir John, talk of anything but of our v'y'ge, to the
dear crittur. I do not think she is quite prepared yet to hear of
all the wonders we saw."

I promised to be prudent; and the captain, shaking me cordially by
the hand, finally wished me farewell. There were some rude touches
of feeling in his manner, which reacted on certain chords in my own
system; and he had been gone several minutes before I recollected
that it was time to go to the Hotel de Castile. Too impatient to
wait for a carriage, I flew along the streets on foot, believing
that my own fiery speed would outstrip the zigzag movement of a
fiacre or a cabriolet tie flace.

Dr. Etherington met me at the door of his appartement, and led me to
an inner room without speaking. Here he stood gazing, for some time,
in my face, with paternal concern.

"She expects you, Jack, and believes that you rang the bell."

"So much the better, dear sir. Let us not lose a moment; let me fly
and throw myself at her feet, and implore her pardon."

"For what, my good boy?"

"For believing that any social stake can equal that which a man
feels in the nearest, dearest ties of earth!"

The excellent rector smiled, but he wished to curb my impatience.

"You have already every stake in society, Sir John Goldencalf," he
answered--assuming the air which human beings have, by a general
convention, settled shall be dignified--"that any reasonable man can
desire. The large fortune left by your late father, raises you, in
this respect, to the height of the richest in the land; and now that
you are a baronet, no one will dispute your claim to participate in
the councils of the nation. It would perhaps be better, did your
creation date a century or two nearer the commencement of the
monarchy; but, in this age of innovations, we must take things as
they are, and not as we might wish to have them."

I rubbed my forehead, for the doctor had incidentally thrown out an
embarrassing idea.

"On your principle, my dear sir, society would be obliged to begin
with its great-grandfathers to qualify itself for its own
government."

"Pardon me, Jack, if I have said anything disagreeable--no doubt all
will come right in heaven. Anna will be uneasy at our delay."

This suggestion drove all recollection of the good rector's social-
stake system, which was exactly the converse of the social-stake
system of my late ancestor, quite out of my head. Springing forward,
I gave him reason to see that he would have no farther trouble in
changing the subject. When we had passed an antechamber, he pointed
to a door, and admonishing me to be prudent, withdrew.

My hand trembled as it touched the door-knob, but the lock yielded.
Anna was standing in the middle of the room (she had heard my
footsteps), an image of womanly loveliness, womanly faith, and
womanly feeling. By a desperate effort, she was, however, mistress
of her emotions. Though her pure soul seemed willing to fly to meet
me, she obviously restrained the impulse, in order to spare my
nerves.

"Dear Jack!"--and both her soft, white, pretty little hands met me,
as I eagerly approached.

"Anna!--dearest Anna!"--I covered the rosy fingers with kisses.

"Let us be tranquil, Jack, and if possible, endeavor to be
reasonable, too."

"If I thought this could really cost one habitually discreet as you
an effort, Anna?"

"One habitually discreet as I, is as likely to feel strongly on
meeting an old friend, as another."

"I think it would make me perfectly happy, could I see thee weep."

As if waiting only for this hint, Anna burst into a flood of tears.
I was frightened, for her sobs became hysterical and convulsed.
Those precious sentiments which had been so long imprisoned in her
gentle bosom, obtained the mastery, and I was well paid for my
selfishness, by experiencing an alarm little less violent than her
own outpouring of feeling.

Touching the incidents, emotions, and language of the next half
hour, it is not my intention to be very communicative. Anna was
ingenuous, unreserved, and, if I might judge by the rosy blushes
that suffused her sweet face, and the manner in which she extricated
herself from my protecting arms, I believe I must add, she deemed
herself indiscreet in that she had been so unreserved and ingenuous.

"We can now converse more calmly, Jack," the dear creature resumed,
after she had erased the signs of emotion from her cheeks--"more
calmly, if not more sensibly."

"The wisdom of Solomon is not half so precious as the words I have
just heard--and as for the music of spheres--"

"It is a melody that angels only enjoy."

"And art not thou an angel?"

"No, Jack, only a poor, confiding girl; one instinct with the
affections and weaknesses of her sex, and one whom it must be your
part to sustain and direct. If we begin by calling each other by
these superhuman epithets, we may awake from the delusion sooner
than if we commence with believing ourselves to be no other than
what we really are. I love you for your kind, excellent, and
generous heart, Jack; and as for these poetical beings, they are
rather proverbial, I believe, for having no hearts at all."

As Anna mildly checked my exaggeration of language--after ten years
of marriage I am unwilling to admit there was any exaggeration of
idea--she placed her little velvet hand in mine again, smiling away
all the severity of the reproof.

"Of one thing, I think you may rest perfectly assured, dear girl," I
resumed, after a moment's reflection. "All my old opinions
concerning expansion and contraction are radically changed. I have
carried out the principle of the social-stake system in the extreme,
and cannot say that I have been at all satisfied with its success.
At this moment I am the proprietor of vested interests which are
scattered over half the world. So far from finding that I love my
kind any more for all these social stakes, I am compelled to see
that the wish to protect one, is constantly driving me into acts of
injustice against all the others. There is something wrong, depend
on it, Anna, in the old dogmas of political economists!"

"I know little of these things, Sir John, but to one ignorant as
myself, it would appear that the most certain security for the
righteous exercise of power is to be found in just principles."

"If available, beyond a question. They who contend that the debased
and ignorant are unfit to express their opinions concerning the
public weal, are obliged to own that they can only be restrained by
force. Now, as knowledge is power, their first precaution is to keep
them ignorant; and then they quote this very ignorance, with all its
debasing consequences, as an argument against their participating in
authority with themselves. I believe there can be no safe medium
between a frank admission of the whole principle--"

"You should remember, dear Goldencalf, that this is a subject on
which I know but little. It ought to be sufficient for us that we
find things as they are; if change is actually necessary, we should
endeavor to effect it with prudence and a proper regard to justice."

Anna, while kindly leading me back from my speculations, looked both
anxious and pained.

"True--true"--I hurriedly rejoined, for a world would not tempt me
to prolong her suffering for a moment. "I am foolish and forgetful,
to be talking thus at such a moment; but I have endured too much to
be altogether unmindful of ancient theories. I thought it might be
grateful to you, at least, to know, Anna, that I have ceased to look
for happiness in my affections for all, and am only so much the
better disposed to turn in search of it to one,"

"To love our neighbor as ourself, is the latest and highest of the
divine commands," the dear girl answered, looking a thousand times
more lovely than ever, for my conclusion was very far from being
displeasing to her. "I do not know that this object is to be
attained by centring in our persons as many of the goods of life as
possible; but I do think, Jack, that the heart which loves one
truly, will be so much the better disposed to entertain kind
feelings towards all others."

I kissed the hand she had given me, and we now began to talk a
little more like people of the world, concerning our movements. The
interview lasted an hour longer, when the heaven. "You never yet
were so unkind to one who was offensive; much less could you
willingly have plotted this cruelty to one you regard!"

Anna could no longer control herself, but her cheeks were wetted
with the usual signs of feeling in her sex. Then smiling in the
midst of this little outbreaking of womanly sensibility, her
countenance became playful and radiant.

"That letter ought not to be altogether proscribed, neither, Jack.
Had it not been written, you would never have visited Leaphigh, nor
Leaplow, nor have seen any of those wonderful spectacles which are
here recorded."

The dear creature laid her hand on a roll of manuscript which she
had just returned to me, after its perusal. At the same time, her
face flushed, as vivid and transient feelings are reflected from the
features of the innocent and ingenuous, and she made a faint effort
to laugh.

I passed a hand over my brow, for whenever this subject is alluded
to between us, I invariably feel that there is a species of
mistiness, in and about the region of thought. I was not displeased,
however, for I knew that a heart which loved so truly would not
willingly cause me pain, nor would one habitually so gentle and
considerate, utter a syllable that she might have reason to think
would seriously displease.

"Hadst thou been with me, love, that journey would always be
remembered as one of the pleasantest events of my life, for, while
it had its perils and its disagreeables, it had also its moments of
extreme satisfaction."

"You will never be an adept in political saltation, John!"

"Perhaps not--but here is a document that will render it less
necessary than formerly."

I threw her a packet which had been received that morning from town,
by a special messenger, but of whose contents I had not yet spoken.
Anna was too young a wife to open it without an approving look from
my fond eye. On glancing over its contents, she perceived that I was
raised to the House of Peers by the title of Viscount Householder.
The purchase of three more boroughs, and the influence of my old
friend Lord Pledge, had done it all.

The sweet girl looked pleased, for I believe it is in female nature
to like to be a viscountess; but, throwing herself into my arms, she
protested that her joy was at my elevation and not at her own.

"I owed you this effort, Anna, as some acknowledgment for your faith
and disinterestedness in the affair of Lord M'Dee."

"And yet, Jack, he had neither high cheek-bones, nor red hair; and
his accent was such as might please a girl less capricious than
myself!"

This was said playfully and coquettishly, but in a way to make me
feel how near folly would have been to depriving me of a treasure,
had the heart I so much prized been less ingenuous and pure. I drew
the dear creature to my bosom, as if afraid my rival might yet rob
me of her possession. Anna looked up, smiling through her tears;
and, making an effort to be calm, she said, in a voice so smothered
as to prove how delicate she felt the subject to be:--

"We will speak seldom of this journey, dear John, and try to think
of the long and dark journey which is yet before us. We will speak
of it, however, for there should be nothing totally concealed
between us."

I kissed her serene and humid eyes, and repeated what she had just
said, syllable for syllable. Anna has not been unmindful of her
words; for rarely, indeed, has she touched on the past, and then
oftener in allusion to her own sorrows, than in reference to my
impressions.

But, while the subject of my voyage to the monikin region is, in a
measure, forbidden between me and my wife, there exists no such
restraint as between me and other people. The reader may like to
know, therefore, what effect this extraordinary adventure has left
on my mind, after an interval of ten years.

There have been moments when the whole has appeared a dream; but, on
looking back, and comparing it with other scenes in which I have
been an actor, I cannot perceive that this is not quite as indelibly
stamped on my memory as those. The facts themselves, moreover, are
so very like what I see daily in the course of occurrence around me,
that I have come to the conclusion, I did go to Leaphigh in the way
related, and that I must have been brought back during the temporary
insanity of a fever. I believe, therefore, that there are such
countries as Leaphigh and Leaplow; and after much thought, I am of
opinion that great justice has here been done to the monikin
character in general.

The result of much meditation on what I witnessed, has been to
produce sundry material changes in my former opinions, and to
unsettle even many of the notions in which I may be said to have
been born and bred. In order to consume as little of the reader's
time as possible, I shall set down a summary of my conclusions, and
then take my leave of him, with many thanks for his politeness in
reading what I have written. Before completing my task in this way,
however, it will be well to add a word on the subject of one or two
of my fellow-travellers.

I never could make up my mind relating to the fact whether we did or
did not actually eat Brigadier Downright. The flesh was so savory,
and it tasted so delicious after a week of philosophical meditation
on nuts, and the recollection of its pleasures is so very vivid,
that I am inclined to think nothing but a good material dinner could
have left behind it impressions so lively, I have had many
melancholy thoughts on this subject, especially in November; but
observing that men are constantly devouring each other, in one shape
or another, I endeavor to make the best of it, and to persuade
myself that a slight difference in species may exonerate me from the
imputation of cannibalism.

I often get letters from Captain Poke. He is not very explicit on
the subject of our voyage, it is true; but, on the whole, I have
decided that the little ship he constructed was built on the model
of, and named after, our own Walrus instead of our own Walrus being
built on the model of, and named after, the little ship constructed
by Captain Poke. I keep the latter, therefore, to show my friends as
a proof of what I tell them, knowing the importance of visible
testimony with ordinary minds.

As for Bob and the mates, I never heard any more of them. The former
most probably continued a "kickee" until years and experience
enabled him to turn the tables on humanity, when, as is usually the
case with Christians, he would be very likely to take up the
business of a "kicker" with so much the greater zeal on account of
his early sufferings.

To conclude, my own adventures and observations lead to the
following inferences, viz.:

That every man loves liberty for his own sake and very few for the
sake of other people.

That moral saltation is very necessary to political success at
Leaplow, and quite probably in many other places.

That civilization is very arbitrary, meaning one thing in France,
another thing at Leaphigh, and still a third in Dorsetshire.

That there is no sensible difference between motives in the polar
region and motives anywhere else.

That truth is a comparative and local property, being much
influenced by circumstances; particularly by climate and by
different public opinions.

That there is no portion of human wisdom so select and faultless
that it does not contain the seeds of its own refutation.

That of all the 'ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included)
hypocrisy is the most flourishing.

That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if
he escape with the loss of his tail.

That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges
in one country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges
in all.

That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are
proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man's senses.

That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite
as demonstrable as the other, and more too.

That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful;
but, after all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the
belly; a man usually preferring to eat his best friend to starving.

That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion
of a commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what
this gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory
principle.

That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and
another to have neither.

That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no
reasoning for general uses.

That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break
our necks; whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing
the horse the use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a
bit!

That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of
men, in the three countries named.

That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal
is, and quite as easily accounted for.

That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating
the polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own
thinking, and put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of
a God-like.

That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one
outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new
joints to the cauda.

That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to God,
but are so tenacious of their own privileges in this particular,
they will confide in plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing
honesty.

That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People's
Friends, and become the salt of the earth--yea, even the Most
Patriotic Patriots!

That it is fortunate "all will come right in heaven," for it is
certain too much goes wrong on earth.

That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of
causing the owners of vested rights to set their own interests in
motion, while those of their fellow-citizens must follow, as a
matter of course, though perhaps a little clouded by the dust raised
by their leaders.

That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and
that if he has any repetition of his treasure, it is better still.

That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and
therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of
those who have most of it.

That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves;
witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a
benefactor into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob.

That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the
satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high admiral.

That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake
in its advancement.

That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object,
it will not fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few
men being so hardened in any grovelling passion, that they will not
endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their neighbors.

That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good
fellowship in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.'s, and H. O. A.
X.'s.

That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level
rights and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples,
and other matters that might be named.

That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is
commonly supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and
in another the people.

That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail,
so sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an
especial edict.

That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at
home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad.

That names are far more useful than things, being more generally
understood, less liable to objections, of greater circulation,
besides occupying much less room.

That ambassadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats
draw a crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it.

That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as
human institutions are intended to prevent the strong from
oppressing the weak, ergo, the laws should encourage natural
inequalities as a legitimate consequence.

That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and
another man foolish--this strong, and that weak, human laws should
reverse it all, by making another man wise and one man foolish--that
strong, and this weak. On this conclusion I obtained a peerage.

That God-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people,
are, as a matter of course, God-likes. That the expediency of
establishing the base of society on a principle of the most sordid
character, one that is denounced by the revelations of God, and
proved to be insufficient by the experience of man, may at least be
questioned without properly subjecting the dissenter to the
imputation of being a sheep-stealer.

That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement,
until forty thousand square miles of territory are blown from
beneath our feet.

That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to
bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in
honor of our pigs, our cats, our stocks, and our stones.

That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much
questionable knowledge.

That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the
people infallible.

That love for the species is a godlike and pure sentiment; but the
philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by the square mile,
and selling it by the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the
just.

That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably
squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he
can become at need.

That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale's blubber to
beefsteak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before
a band of music, and certain travelled countrymen of our own saying,
"Commend me to the English skies."

That arranging a fact by reason is embarrassing, and admits of
cavilling; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural,
easy, every-day, and sometimes necessary, process.

That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will
swear to in the end, although it should be a proposition as much
beyond the necessity of an oath, as that "black is white."

That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference
between them arising from gradations in the richness of
imaginations.

And finally:--

That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions,
cravings, antics, gratitude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins,
than is generally known.

THE END.



End of the Project Gutenberg Etext of The Monikins, by J. Fenimore Cooper